Voice of the Gators

UF Football: 0 Arrests Since Tuesday

2010-09-17T14:09:00.000-07:00

Our program is a train wreck. I honestly don’t care about the arrests. They’re a black mark and will hurt us with some recruits. Also I’d like to just say up front that I am a hypocrite and I will go off on another program’s sketch balls when they F up (see my Nu’Keese blog from last year). Expect me to turn the blind eye; it’s what Gators do. We take our cues from the top of the program, or at least that’s what the newspapers want you to think.
It’s no surprise these players are getting tossed in the slammer. These kids are commodities. They are worshipped by some, babied by many, and thus enabled. In their minds, they can do no wrong, and we deal with it. It’s the price we pay for the premier athlete with a premier ego. I’d like to say it hasn’t been awful under Urban. I could pretend there haven’t been guns, stalking, death threats, dead girl’s credit cards stolen, and a mixed race BJ video. But we have.
In writing this section I started thinking about legal nicknames for Urban. I thought about Urban of Mayberry, which doesn’t really fit but then I thought…they should make a movie for Andy Griffith. They need to amp it up like they do with every TV show turned movie. Honestly I hope they just keep the character names and then just go all Miami Vice with it. I want to see Opie get kidnapped, Aunt Bee naked, Goober kill someone while drunk driving, Floyd the barber slice someone’s throat with a shaving razor, Barney get investigated for embezzling and or having Babik-like material on his computer, and Andy blow some crack fiend’s head off because Ernest T Bass dared him to.
Despite our ugly tradition of breaking the law, we have legitimate college football traditions at UF. Mr. Two Bits, Gator Growl, We are the Boys, It’s Great to be a Florida Gator, The Cocktail Party etc. The tradition of Mr. Two Bits is great because a great man decided he wanted to support the Gators when no one else would. He didn’t just copy another school or an older tradition. He is an original, a Gator treasure. So if you are the parents of the kid who has been impersonating Mr. Two Bits in the stadium the past two seasons, listen up. Your kid isn’t Mr. Two Bits. Have him sit in his seat like the other kids who don’t actually know shit about the game or originality and leave the costume at home. I understand you probably thought it was so cute when he had the initiative to be Mr. Two Bits for Halloween last year. Great. You should have taken his picture and sent it to all of your other fat-women-friends at work and left it at that. You didn’t. Your son, like all of the other drunken frat assholes who have impersonated Mr. Two Bits is just that, an asshole. Next week when he comes around to my section, this Gator fan won’t be standing up and hollering, he’ll be throwing his Italian Ice. Note: If this kid has the express written consent of Mr. Two Bits, I take it all back, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Last week my wife finally read one of this season’s blogs. “You sound like a douche bag” she told me. She was specifically talking about my rant on America. Let me clarify, I love America but I hate PC America. Who is making all of these unspoken rules that in my opinion are softening the ideals that make America great? It’s the land of the free and the home of the brave. Free and brave have nothing to do with hyper-sensitivity and coddling. Now because of PC America we’re not supposed to call it the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party and OU and Texas aren’t supposed to call it the Red River Shootout anymore. To hell with that. I’m taking a stand and it starts now. I’m going to start renaming things to be completely un-PC. This is a decree from the Voice of the Gators. Any team in any of the women’s sports that wins multiple championships in a short span of time will not be referred to as a dynasty, but a VAGYNASTY.
VOG 1. PC America 0.

So, obviously if you are one of the fifteen loyal readers of this blog, you’ll know that I have not retired. We beat USF. I called my shot. Was I losing my mind during the first 28 minutes? Absolutely. That first half had me unbelievably frustrated but never worried. We’re stocked on both sides of the ball and we would never let ourselves lose to such an inferior opponent. FSU was playing USF last year with comparable talent to the Bulls. FSU, that’s something you’re simply going to have to admit to yourself. A premier program does not get their doors blown off by a team coming off of a 5 loss season. I predicted in week 1 that the OU game would be the game that ended your relevance. I stand by what I said. The only legitimate teams you have played over the past 5 years are the Gators and now OU. You’re winless against quality. If you were planning on counting Va Tech as a legitimate program, well let’s see how that that works out for you and Boise State. Since I’m so successful at calling my shots this year, here are a couple more predictions. Boise State will not go undefeated this season and the Gators will land on probation within the next ten years. I pray this doesn’t happen but we’re in the news for the wrong reasons way too much lately.
In creating these blogs I obviously have to Google a ton but I also watch hours and hours of college football TV on ESPN. After my third week of the same shows, I started picking up the commercial patterns. Judging by the commercials I’m seeing, ESPN does not have a high opinion about their college football viewers. Every other commercial is for an “As Seen on TV” product. If I have to watch another commercial for the Sobakawa Pillow, the commemorative 911 silver coin, the Shake Weight for Men (keep the Shake Weight for Women ads coming), the Shed Vac, or Slim T’s, I’m going to really throw my Italian Ice at the Two Bits Kid (not really).
One legitimate commercial I have been seeing is for Doritos. They’re marketing a new flavor called Late Night Cheeseburger. The commercial goes like this. It’s a hot girl riding in a cab eating these Doritos. Right off the bat I’m thinking, what kind of trashy whore eats Doritos as a snack. If your girl is a Doritos fan, your parents also probably think she’s a whore. To quote the Green Goblin, “Do what you need to with her then broom her fast.” So anyway, she finishes her cab ride and her bag of Doritos and then walks into the club. Am I the only one totally grossed about by this Doritos-eating slob? After a long night of drinking and Dorito eating, God help the man who has to smell her breath, or worse yet, one of her BMs.
My timing for toilet humor is good. This weekend, the Gators are traveling to Neyland Stadium, an overrated dump of a stadium. A few years ago I would have been worried about a trip to Rocky Top, but Urban has changed things. Aside from Zook’s two losses to UT, The Gators have quietly put the Vols next to UGA on our bitch list. We’re going for six in a row which is amazing. You may love or hate Urban; either way it’s no coincidence that our three biggest rivals are currently on the downside of success. Before the year I was worried about this game. Last week was a best case scenario for us heading into our SEC opener. We fixed our problems in the second half and the Vols fell apart. Like FSU, they don’t have the players to hang with us and I actually anticipate us having a good first quarter for once. We didn’t show our whole offense against our first two “escorts” so expect JB to open things up down field. Expect Burton and Reed to see more PT at QB in Tebow-like situations and expect Demps to continue his success against an unconfident defense. If I’m completely wrong, then expect Janoris Jenkins and our defense to win it for us. Ultimately, they will be the identity of the team this year. They set the tone for our offense. Our offense was nervous in weeks 1 and 2 and big defensive plays boosted their confidence. After two shaky weeks, the offense now knows the D will bail them out so they should be much more relaxed. Note: Janoris Jenkins is our best player and we should push him for Heisman.

Prediction: UF 38 UT 13

Random Thoughts of the Week
I want to start a new game show called, “Guess My Race.” The first person on the show will be Gator running back Emanuel Moody. The contestants would look to the audience for help and of course the audience would scream, “Navajo! Definitely some sort of Asian! Black black black. Eskimo!”

I hated Nick Saban until I saw the new College Gameday commercial where he eats the Little Debbie oatmeal sandwich off the ground. Genuinely funny.

What I had to Google this Week for the blog

Vagynasty
UF versus UT all time record
Chris Rainey Text Messages
Emanuel Moody Race
Late Night Cheeseburger
Do they use the Sobakawa pillow in “Oriental Massage Spas?”
Local Oriental Massage Spas close to my house

Facts of the Week
The Florida Gators have won 13 of the last 17 games versus Tennessee.

Weekend Football Forecast

Slap in the face pick
BYU over FSU. BYU sucks so I know this isn’t a guarantee but it just wouldn’t feel right to pick FSU over anyone, yet alone against a whole bunch of un-athletic pasty whites.

UGA over Arkansas (a must win or Richt’s gone)
Nebraska over Washington
MSU over LSU
Auburn over Clemson
ND over Mich St.
Iowa over Arizona

Last Week’s Record: 8-3
Season Record: 13-7
2009 Season Record: 59-43

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS: Nebraska
SEC: Florida
ACC: Miami
Big East: UConn
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Nebraska
Pac 10: Oregon State (Oregon looks sexy but I’m sticking with OSU)
BCS Buster: TCU unfortunately

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog or when Chris Rainey ends up playing for Auburn or when next season starts and FSU again claims they are back. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators

USF 17 FSU 7, September 26, 2009
We will always remember.

I still Blame Al-Qaeda

2010-09-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

Had our game against Tennessee in 2001 not be postponed, things in Gator Nation would be so different. I guess I’m playing the “what if” game again but I want to really think about it. Should they have cancelled that game? It’s debatable and for the record I felt they should have played. America honestly needed a break that Saturday and had they played, the Gators would have beat the Vols. We may have even gone to Auburn later that year and won with a little extra experience heading in. Maybe we beat Miami in the Fiesta Bowl, and maybe we don’t but I get the feeling Spurrier would have stuck around. Had they played that Saturday, Florida would have again embarrassed LSU in the SEC title game and the legend that is Nick Saban would be fiction. If they played that Saturday, I would have gone, just like I will go tomorrow.
Am I at all concerned about my safety, sure? Amidst the potential Quran burning and the possibility of a terrorist threat, who wouldn’t be? I know people who have sold their tickets, which is completely understandable. Guess what though. We’re all going to die at some point. It might not be today, or tomorrow but it's going to happen. I really don't think there's anything to worry about tomorrow, but if I could pick where I take my last breath, Florida Field doesn't sound like such a bad option. God Bless America, Go Gators, report any suspicious behavior, Georgia Sucks.
The only people who need to be concerned tomorrow will be wearing USF Jerseys. It’s a win and that’s all there is to it. I guarantee it. If USF beats Florida, I will shut this blog down forever. I’ve signed the contract; it’s in writing. If the Bulls beat the Gators this Saturday, I quit. Consider this game a retirement match for me. Like the Nature Boy Ric Flair and other greats who have lost retirement matches, I’m a man of my word. There’s no way I can come back. The contract is signed and notarized. Just like in any good retirement match, I won’t simply put my career on the line for nothing. What will USF and their pathetic followers have to risk? If they had some sort of title, it would be a title vs. career match. If they had long hair it could be a hair vs. career match. If they were pregnant, they could put the baby on the line. This would be easy if there was a USF blogger people actually read that I could challenge. However USF is pathetic and so this retirement match is one man, nay one voice, against a big group of nothings (when I say they are nothings, I don’t mean they are like The Nothing from The Neverending Story. Only one person actually stood up to The Nothing. The Boy.).

To put it lightly, I’m confident. We will handedly beat USF. Last week we had one problem which spawned our troubles. If we didn’t have snap errors, we would have looked impressive. Those of you calling for Addazio’s head, just hang on for a few weeks. Last year wasn’t pretty and neither was Saturday but think about it. In 2008 our offense was very impressive but who was Tebow passing it to? He was throwing to Murphy and Harvin without a doubt the two best receivers in that draft. Last year was a talent issue, not Addazio’s total fault. And lets be real, last year’s offense was the Gators’ 8th highest point output ever. The guy’s not so bad. Give him half a season and see how things shape up. We were actually good in the red zone the two times we were there last week so that’s a step forward.
Who cares about the offense as long as our D keeps looking that good? Terrell Austin seemed to have a great scheme. Miami just quit trying to run and thus it was pick city all game long. Despite our lone shining spot, the game as a whole was ugly and obviously if that happens against USF, we’ll only win by 21. Yes, I’m saying we could put the ball on the ground 9 times, 1 more than last week and still get the “W.” USF, I hope you don’t mind me talking to you in the first person, but to be honest, you’re quite the joke. You beat FSU, hooray. Do it for 7 years in a row and make it look like you played Vandy each time (I count 03). Should we really even classify the Big East as a conference? We took the best of you in the Sugar Bowl and exposed you for what you really are. Like the Joker did with Harvey Dent.

Game Prediction: Florida 45, USF 7

So a lot has happened since my last blog, and I want to tell you all about it. First of all, I need to tell all of you something that is my opinion but I’m going to state it as fact. I now feel that my blog is the best blog in the country again. A long time ago my blog was the best and then because of poor management over the years and a general lack of talent it declined. But now it’s definitely back. A new guy is running it, well sort of. He’s been here for four years now but somehow he’s got things back on track. Take my word for it; the blog is back and better than ever.
What assholes would have to talk themselves up like that?

NEWSFLASH: FSU is Back…
Because that’s what they've been telling everyone since WVU took a dive in the Gator Bowl. Why has anyone believed it simply because they keep telling us they are good again? They went up in the rankings because they beat a D2 school. Are you serious? Mike Tyson and company were letting us all know how he was in the best shape of his life before he flat out embarrassed himself before retirement. This is no different. FSU is letting everyone know that it’s different now because that’s what they have to say. How else are they going to con kids into wasting 3 to 5 years of their life? What else are they telling these kids? You’ll get to play running back even though you’re 6’2, slow as hell and rated as one of the best defensive players in the country. Something like that I’m guessing. If FSU is back then so is Steve Guttenberg because I’m sure he’s telling a whole lot of people how Police Academy 14 is going to be the next Hangover. Don’t mess with the Goot. I still like Oklahoma by an embarrassing amount in the Viper Room Bowl.
So apparently you can be retarded and have a vote in the AP poll. Boise State has 8 first place votes? I’m still a bit baffled by this. Really? They’re 3 and the Gators are 8? Okay. Did any of those 8 people watch as Virginia Tech handed Boise that game? Did anyone see how VT was clearly superior? VT is a guaranteed 2-3 loss team every year and somehow a close win over the Hokies is this big crowning achievement for the Broncos. I honestly feel like I’m taking crazy pills over this whole Boise State thing. No one in their right mind thinks they could run the table in the SEC. If any of those 8 voters really believe they could, they don’t deserve a vote. I don’t think they could run the table in the ACC. I honestly think it goes back to our country being soft. We have to baby everyone and fix every problem and make up for our wrongdoings. Some of these analysts and voters are afraid not to support BSU for fear of being called football racists. It’s like there’s a football civil rights movement going on. Now TCU is getting tossed up there too but why? Because they are actually the fourth best team in the country? I’m by no means an expert but if you read my blog last year, you know I predicted USC, Ole Miss, LSU and FSU to be garbage despite what others thought. Take my word for it; Boise State is just playing their blue turf race card. Hopefully that doesn’t offend anybody. I’m really walking a fine line in this blog trying to be PC. It’s not like I had a “Boise State should drink from their own water fountain” joke. That wouldn’t have been appropriate at all.
So Reggie Bush will lose his Heisman. It should definitely go to Vince Young now, but what a shame for USC. I’m pretty sure The Trojans have the only two Heisman winners who won’t be invited to the ceremony next year. How awesome would it be to see The Juice up there next to Wuerffel clapping it up for this year’s latest sophomore winner? What’s next for the other USC Heisman winners? Marcus Allen, Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart might pose for the sequel to the lemon party.

So last week I disclosed the list of things I had to Google during the course of creating the blog. Well Blogspot (“Blogspot” kind of looks like Bloodsport if you read it fast) is now giving stats and showing what people have Google’d to find my blog. Here is a brief list of some of the popular search queries.

Holly Rowe
Mountie
Voice of the gators
Tugboat wrestler
Frank beamer face
Wayne from the wonder years
WWF tugboat
FSU sucks
Donald Gibb
Riley Cooper
Mysexyriley
Mike Price Alabama
Jason Hervey
80’s White Trash
Lay down and bleed college pep talks (I don’t know what the hell this is)

So right now I’d say that my audience is ranking in high on my patented piece of shit index. I’ve figured out what is accidentally getting people to my site and now I need to capitalize on it, much like a veteran wrestler would capitalize on an unsuspecting referee by grabbing the rope while applying the abdominal stretch (first abdominal stretch reference).

Maybe I should use these as topics to haul in some real classy page viewers.
Conspiracy theories over Owen Hart’s death
Conspiracy theories over Bret Hart’s Survivor Series loss to Shawn Michaels
Where “Parts Unknown” could actually be
What pieces of shit Google
Ex Gator Football players now in porn
How to use the abdominal stretch in a real fight
Did Mr. Arnold ever give Mrs. Arnold a black eye on the Wonder Years?
Was Paul Pfeiffer’s grandmother in the holocaust?
Did Tugboat attend Earthquake’s funeral?
Is Tugboat still afloat? (By afloat I mean alive or actually able to walk)
Does Riley Cooper go to the same doctor as Ron Mexico in Philadelphia?
The Dolph Lundgren ab workout
Did Peter Parker ever find Uncle Ben’s porn stash?
When will Freddie vs. Jason 2 come out?
If Heath Leger got the Oscar posthumously, why didn’t Brandon Lee win for the Crow?
Will Scott Hall baby-sit my kids?

Random Thoughts of the Week
Have you ever met someone and found out that they’re a Gator fan? Cool, right? The conversation is going great and you’re talking about the upcoming season or whatnot. You talk about when you graduated, and they talk about vague things other than graduating from the University of Florida. Not a Gator. It happens to me all the time, and I pass judgment.
FYI, if you meet a guy in the panhandle, he shows you his Florida Gator tattoo that spans his entire calf, and he says he’s a graduate of the University of Florida, don’t believe him. I’ve met that guy.
Whatever happened to the old radio sideline/post game reporter? Brady Ackerman is doing it now but the old guy was definitely better.

What I had to Google this Week for the blog

Abdominal Stretch

What to say if your wife asks you, “Do you hate me?”

Retirement match

USC Heisman Winners

The plural of nothing

Why are all my friends selling their Gator tickets this week?

Twilight Book Burnings

Would the FBI track me if I blogged the word “Quran?”

What happens if you say “Quran” three times in your blog?

I just blogged “Quran” 3 times and I got a phone call telling me I’m going to die in 3 days. Is this for real?

What if I spell “Koran” with a K?

How much do I have to pay Scott Hall to hang out with him for the day?

What would Steve Babick do?

Things “a friend of mine” Google'd this week
Brandon Spikes sex tape
Stubhub Monday Night Raw Tickets

Facts of the Week
The Florida Gators have not lost to one of the current Big East schools since 1991 versus Syracuse (We lost to Miami in 2003 but they are not a current Big East school).
Florida has not lost a game versus a Florida school since 2003.

Must Watch Web
Ivan Drago’s Comeback

Drago's got a good lookin set of tits!

Weekend Football Forecast

Slap in the face pick
Vandy over LSU: LSU is in bad shape, nearly losing to a dismantled Tar Heels squad. If UNC gets those guys back, they could make big waves with serious BCS implications.

Picks

OU over FSU
Miami over Ohio State
Alabama over PSU (don’t be shocked if it’s close)
Oregon over Tennessee (I think the Vols make it respectable)
South Carolina over UGA
Cal over Colorado
Michigan over Notre Dame
USC over UVA (I’d love to be wrong)
Last Week’s Record: 5-4
2009 Season Record: 59-43

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS: Nebraska
SEC: Florida
ACC: Miami
Big East: UConn
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Nebraska
Pac 10: Oregon State
BCS Buster: TCU unfortunately. I refuse to put Boise. A little civil disobedience on my part.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or you may never hear from me again if we lose to USF this weekend like FSU last year; but they’ve completely recovered from that. They’re back! Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators

USF 17 FSU 7, September 26, 2009
We will always remember.

The Leave is Over

2010-09-02T14:56:00.000-07:00

Oh Boy. Its like I leapt into a random body on Quantum Leap. Where the hell have I been? We’ll get to that. Before I sat down tonight my wife approached me very seriously. “I’m glad you’re starting your blog again but I want you to promise me something…” This is when I got worried. Did she actually read some of the shit I posted last year? I assumed she’d say, “Quit talking about taking women to pound town,” or “Quit talking about me having sex with 2nd stringers.” Nope. “If you’re gonna do this again please keep your files organized on the computer.” Women. They’re all the same; well not all of them.
Did you see Brandon Spikes living the dream on chat roulette? That girl, whose dad must be proud by the way (by proud I mean ready to play his own game of Russian roulette in front of his web cam) probably never complains about his computer files being unorganized. She seems like a really sweet girl, who accepts Brandon even though his computer is probably a fucking mess. As far as commenting on the video goes, what can I say? I’m not appalled; if anything I think it’s really funny, and to be honest, good for you, Brandon, and I’ll leave it at that. I’m just surprised he didn’t put a Georgia helmet on her.
Note: Researching the Brandon Spikes sex tape was interesting. “What are you doing?” My wife said to me as I got out of bed too anxious to sleep, knowing I had to do blog research. “Watching the Brandon Spikes sex tape.” I said. “It’s research.” I’m not sure if she thought I was serious but I was looking over my shoulder every few seconds knowing my wife was in the other room. Now I have a pretty good excuse. If my wife asks me what I’m looking at I’ll be like, “Uh? Oh you didn’t hear about that big defensive tackle from Tennessee? Yeah, he also made a sex tape... with a tiny blonde cheerleader…and the defensive coaching staff from Grambling. Take a look at the desktop. Aren't these files are nice and organized, baby?"
So where was I between my last blog and now? I gotta be honest, I burnt out. I rushed that last blog about Urban’s retirement and I had enough, at least for the off- season. I said I was going to cover basketball but let’s be honest. I’m a Gator football fan first. I love basketball but I’ll catch games if I remember they’re on, watch the SEC tournament, and then the big dance. There are few of us Gator fans who truly give enough of a shit about basketball to read or write a blog about it. So much went on after Urban quit and I wanted to cover the entire saga including Lane to USC, USC on probation, and all the cheating scandals. I’ll rehash this off-season briefly in pictures.

I quit

Just kidding

Heart issues are no joke. Take it from a professional athlete who knows first hand about the stress and pressure of competing for championships on a week to week basis.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2v2jt_ric-flair-gets-a-heart-attack-on-ni_sport

I fucked UT

Reggie Fucked Me

Took 100 grand? Who me?

You'll never catch me.

Here comes the super-conference.

Nevermind

Will win the Heisman…

if glory hole receiving stats are considered.

Taking his talents to South Beach

Taking his talents and 7 or 8 kids to the New York.

What would his reality show be called? "Antonio, and his wife and another 6 women plus 8 or is it 9?"

And now for this season. Will Florida win the national title this year? No but it would be a lot cooler if we did. Thanks, Wooderson. It wouldn't surprise me if we did either.

It’s an even number year for Urban and he wins them every other year. We’ve got the tools. The defense I have a feeling will be better assuming the new coordinator isn’t completely Zookish. Brantley has a line, 3 amazing backs (maybe 4 with Brown) and hopefully a stable of receivers who end up looking good in the process. The schedule isn’t bad. Bama is ripe with a mostly new defense. That game will be a shootout like the game at Kentucky was in 07. If the Bama game is winnable, then they all are. Where could we stumble? At Tennessee doesn’t seem likely but I just can’t see them being as bad as everyone is predicting. It’s a must win for Dooley or he will be “building that program” until they fire him in 3 years. UGA in Jax could be a stumble as well. We’ll talk when that game gets closer. Miss. St. at home could catch us with our pants down and obviously Bama could pose problems on the road. That being said, we won’t lose all of those games giving us a worst case scenario of a 3 loss season. The worst I truly see is a two loss year (heading in the SEC title game). If we beat Bama in Bama, the Tide won’t make it to Atlanta.
So lets say we are the two loss SEC champs, that could be good enough to play an undefeated Ohio State, an undefeated Boise, or a 1 loss Big 12 champ. Don’t sleep on Nebraska; they’re definitely back and Ohio State’s party is officially over after this season.
SEC Championship Prediction: Florida over Auburn. The west is murderer’s row and Bama’s defense is too new. They are completely undeserving of their ranking but the voters couldn’t stomach Boise or Ohio State at 1 to start the year.
For the record, let’s just get this on the table. Boise State is garbage. They may sneak in; they could beat a team like Ohio State. Then we get a playoff. Hell, maybe they’d overturn the championship. It’s been done before. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIZafcGYUa0
I don’t know how that dispute isn’t still tangled up in federal court.

This summer on E60 I saw a piece about corrective rape. Did you catch it? If you missed it there will be a similar program on next weekend when Florida State travels to Oklahoma. Obviously next week I’ll lay it on pretty thick, but I’m just sayin, no pressure, FSU. It’s not like your entire brand is riding on that game. This is the 10th season since you were relevant. If Oklahoma does what I think they will, your image will be done after your season spirals out of control. Let’s compare our programs. FSU was really good a long time ago, like River Phoenix, and UF is really great now, like Leonardo DiCaprio. UF fans are enjoying the latest hit Inception while FSU fans are replaying the opening sequence of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade over and over again on VHS. Enjoy Norman next week, Nole fans, it’ll be your very own Viper Room.
While I’m predicting one program’s demise, I’m predicting another coach’s. Les Miles, enjoy your last year. I don’t need to explain; you’re a pathetic moron who is through riding a real coach’s coat tail. LSU will probably have a losing season and Ron Zook will have a tag team partner when he joins the WWE.
In the off season you may have seen College Football Live and their “What If” segments. I liked it better when voiceofthegators.blogspot.com did it last October.
http://voiceofthegators.blogspot.com/2009/10/what-ifs-are-for-losers-gators-are-7-0.html
If they EVER compare a football team to the movie Bloodsport or Best of the Best 2, I swear to God I’m suing. It does make me feel good that one of their producers has probably read my blog.
What to Expect Saturday
I’m looking forward to the game Saturday. I look forward to seeing all that’s changed in Gainesville since my last visit. I don’t look forward to the heat. I should probably just watch the game on ESPN but I can always watch Breakfast with the Gators Sunday, when we all look forward to Nat Moore’s confusion of verb tenses and pluralizing of last names.
Honestly, it’s Miami of Ohio. It’s a win. I’m not going to bother doing research on their team. I’m looking forward to seeing who gets the most balls at WR. Is Debose legit? Percy busted a long gain in his first game vs. UCF, but evidently Andre’s not filling the Harvin role after all. Will Mike Gillislee step up and be the guy. I think he’s our best overall back. Every time he played last year he busted one long; so if he’s only our third best option, I’m feeling really good about Moody and Demps.

Game Prediction: Florida 52 Miami 6

What I had to Google this Week
In making this blog, I have to look up certain facts and information to make sure I get it right for spelling and accuracy. I don’t want to look completely ignorant. Here’s a list of things I Googled to make this week’s blog or at least things I Googled while I was making this blog.

Masters of the Universe Dialogue (I wanted to make some references but couldn’t quite pull it off).
Donald Gibb’s Home Address
Ric Flair Heart Attack
WWF stripped championship
common grammar problems
black English vernacular
Brandon Spikes Video
Brandon Spikes Sex video
Brandon Spikes sex Video for real this time

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Random Thoughts of the Week
I stumbled upon this great website for runners during the off season. It lets you map out your run precisely. It’s called MapMyRun.com, or as females on Florida State’s campus call it, MapMyRape.com.

I really want to take a dump on a Dominos pizza and send them the picture.

I’m sick of America. It’s so PC, every parent tells their kid they're perfect (I blame Curt Hennig) and discipline has disappeared. Timeout is a big punishment these days I guess. We’re so soft as a country. When people have babies they go to these great lengths to baby-proof their homes. Whatever happened to evolution? I say fuck it. If I ever have a kid, I’m going to Darwinise my house. My home would be like a baby version of the Eliminator from American Gladiators, but with a lot more broken glass and faulty baby gates. It’s time America breeds some winners.

Fact of the Week
Lets say Bama is still legit this year and next. Did you realize that if we play them in the next two SEC title games, we will have played them 6 times in 4 years?

Weekend Football Forecast

Slap in the face pick
The first slap goes to you, Lane Kiffin. Hawaii over USC tonight in Hawaii. Muhalo, dickhead.

Missouri over Illinois, Colorado State over Colorado, ND over Purdue, Michigan over UConn (must win for Michigan), Washington over BYU, Oregon State over TCU, LSU over UNC and Va Tech over Boise State (prayin for the sake of everything that is right in the world)

2009 Season Record: 59-43

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS: Nebraska
SEC: Florida
ACC: Miami
Big East: UConn
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Nebraska
Pac 10: Oregon State
BCS Buster: At this point I only see extra major conference teams sneaking in. 2 Big 12 teams, 2 SEC schools etc.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU doesn’t have to rely on a fix to win the Gator Bowl. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators

P.S. Not to beat a dead horse or anything but a promise is a promise.

USF 17 FSU 7, September 26, 2009
We will always remember.

Urban Exodus

2009-12-26T19:02:00.000-08:00

Why not put a religious spin on it? Gator fans take this shit seriously so much so that Jeremy Foley is going to start having the concessions staff serve communion at the end of every 3rd quarter next fall. I’m just kidding but you’ll see me in hell either way.
Like when Spurrier left, we are all probably taking this too seriously. It’s just a team and tomorrow it won’t really matter who our coach is. Urban has been a great one though; there is no denying that. I truly do wish Urban well. Imagine if this was really it for him. What a legacy he’ll leave if he never coaches again. He’d be the Jim Brown of college coaches; he could have done so much more but what would that really prove? I’m glad he’s leaving with us thinking, “what if he stayed 5 more years?” rather than us thinking “why didn’t he leave 5 years sooner?”
Don’t cry Gator fans this will all be exciting. We’re getting a new coach and that’s always fun despite what a huge loss this is. You could have seen this coming had you been loyally following my blog. If you recall, the post-Tennessee blog stated that this would be Urban’s final year. Now I didn’t quite say he’d have heart issues but I basically let you all know why there would be no incentive for him to return in 2010. Now that being said who are we going to hire? First I’ll tell you who we won’t hire. Charlie Strong, Ron Zook, Jimbo Fisher, Steve Spurrier and Bobby Bowden will not be offered jobs at Florida. For the record, Spurrier would dominate with JB at quarterback next year, just sayin. I said in the same blog that if Urban goes, Charlie should get the job, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more I realize that Charlie is a great coordinator but I don’t think he’s head coach material. I hope I’m wrong but something in me is telling me he won’t be a good head coach.
I think the search will really come down to 4 guys we’ll legitimately look at.

1. Bob Stoops: He’s our go-to-guy every time we need a coach. Maybe we’re his go to school when he wants more money from OU. I’m all for this hire if it happens. See my previous blog if you don’t understand why I’m all gay for Stoops. I’d love to see Stoops finish he career here.

2. Dan Mullen: I honestly think this will be our next head coach. It makes way too much sense and he’s going to be a great head coach no matter where he ends up. He’s a great face for the program, be that a baby face but a great face nonetheless. He’ll recruit well and obviously our offense will stay effective under Mullen. I’m guessing he’d like to stay at Miss St. for 3 years total but his dream job just opened up. He may not go leave so he can truly make a name for himself without Meyer. Maybe he wants to blaze his own trail elsewhere. If Mullen succeeds critics will site his predecessor.

3. Chris Peterson from Boise State: I hope to hell it’s not him but his record over the past 4 seasons has been amazing. Still I think there might be a reason that big schools haven’t been knocking down his door; his school hasn’t really beaten anyone since that Oklahoma game.

4. Randy Edsall: This guy has done a lot with a brand new program at UCONN. He’d be a great guy to come in and run things as they were and manage an already successful system ala Jimmy Johnson and Dennis Erickson at the “u” in the 80s and 90s. Man, I realize that in the moment I've totally forgotten to put a wrestling reference. Well, this transition will be like when Paul Bearer and The Undertaker parted ways. Yes the Undertaker may have suffered in the short term, but overall Paul Bearer's early direction guided The Undertaker's career, which is still going strong by the way. So yeah, I feel pretty good about the future of Gator Football based on that.

One thing I do see happening is a clean transition. Urban will supposedly still be in Gainesville after all probably overseeing a lot of things going on. I think just about any capable coach can come into Gainesville and compete for championships. I’ve heard early rumblings about Petrino as well but I wouldn’t want anything to do with this guy after the Atlanta Falcons falling out. I’m trying to rush this blog out so I haven’t had a ton of time to really think this entire thing out, but I just thought about Rich Rodriguez as well. He’s done poorly at Michigan but he could win right away with the returning team at Florida. All this being said, the Gators will get someone who is definitely not Ron Zook. A huge part of me wants Spurrier, for the record, but I know it will never happen.

Enjoy your holidays and enjoy watching the final game of this amazing era.

Until next time,
The Voice of the Gators

P.S. FSU lost to USF this season. We play them next season. We’ll beat them no matter who our head coach is.

The Decade Awards

2009-12-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

I’ve got to be honest, I’m really scared about next year. If The Pounceys, Hernandez, Haden, and Dunlap go, we’re SOL. It could be one of the biggest downfalls in history. There have been some disappointing downfalls we’ve watched in the past century: Van Halen, the 90’s Chicago Bulls, The Mega Powers, Freddie Mercury’s t-cell count, and of course the Dungeon of Doom. Maybe I’m paranoid and Urban is indeed the real deal. If he puts 10 wins together next year, I’ll bow down and call him the greatest coach of all time. Our offense will be better next year; it has to be or we will have a losing season on our hands and I hate to be quoted on that.
What’s happened with this country? Everything is so PC now that it’s not fun to be American anymore. Whatever happened to the days when you could say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays or use the word niggardly when commenting on an African American co-workers good use of company funds? Again I mention that this is a blog written by blacks so it’s okay. Now coaches can’t touch their players. What the hell? Jim Leavitt is in trouble for roughing up one of his players in the locker room. Give me a break. Sometimes a coach has to slap a player around a bit to send a message to the team. In the 1980’s it was not uncommon for a coach to go so far as to sexually abuse his players in the locker room shower to motivate the team. There’s a reason my third grade soccer team was 8 and 0. It’s called good coaching.
I love that the Big 10 and Pac 10 are thinking of expanding. I’m not actually going to trash these garbage conferences. I love this part of college football and I think it’s so intriguing. If I were running the Pac 10, I’d add Fresno State and Utah. The Big 10 is not quite so easy. There are no real front runners. Would they draw from the Big East? Pittsburgh or Cincy would be the only fit geographically. Louisville and Iowa State are also possibilities. While I’m at it, the Big East certainly needs to expand but they’ve ruined it because of their basketball affiliations. They’re not going to draw any legitimate school that will join the conference for only football. ECU, Marshall or UCF would be good choices to expand that conference in football but unfortunately the basketball side of things is getting in the way. I’d love to change the SEC as well. I’d add UNC and Georgia Tech to the East while subtracting Vandy and Kentucky. Sorry UK but your basketball history can go stink up the ACC where the hard-court comes first.
I think Charlie Strong made a mistake. For whatever reason, I don’t see him being a great head coach. Ideally I wanted UF to pay him off as the highest paid coordinator in the business and keep this thing going. There would have been little pressure on him. Also I don’t think he made a good choice in Louisville. Kentucky is not exactly a hotbed of talent. Why is it that when I hear the word “hotbed” I think of racism? Example: Bithlo, Florida is a hotbed for Ku Klux Klan activity. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Now that I mentioned overt racism, who can forget Keifer Sutherland’s role in A Time to Kill?
While I’m mentioning poor hiring, I can’t help but think Notre Dame effed it up again. They replaced offense with offense. Call me crazy but Weis should have stayed and they should have pony’d up for a great defensive coordinator. Brian Kelly won back to back Big East titles which I guess means something but they are trying to hire the next Urban Meyer and Kelly is definitely not that. Hopefully ND doesn’t get too excited if he starts next year with a 3 loss season and then extends his contract to 10 years. That was so ridiculous; how do you justify that?
I’ve read that Tiger Woods was named the AP’s athlete of the decade. This is total bullshit as golf takes minimal athletic ability. I could understand cocksman of the decade but that’s about it. He’s certainly the best skill game competitor of the last decade but there’s not much athleticism in what he does. Athletic ability usually comes with the appearance of a man who can beat someone in a fight. Athletic ability allows men to jump extremely high and throw basketballs down through hoops. Athletic ability allows you to run through tacklers and speed down sidelines. Skill is a different story. That allows men to hit golf balls and women to play basketball. Golf does not require athleticism; it requires goofy pants and a fat ass. Thanks, Happy. That being said I’m going to give out my decade awards for best athlete as well as many other awards that are just as meaningless as the AP’s honors.

Best Athlete: Michael Vick
I didn’t say best quarterback. I’m sure Keifer Sutherland’s character from a Time to Kill might have something to say about his accuracy and mental ability to read defenses. That’s not what I’m talking about. He was by far the best ATHLETE in sports over the past 10 years. What he was able to do at the college level and then the pro level was amazing to watch. His speed, agility and unbelievable arm strength, to be quite honest, are legendary. I think he was an okay QB for the Falcons but his sheer athleticism made him a factor each week and that translated to wins for Atlanta.

College Football Coach: Bob Stoops
Yes, Big Game Bob is a big “0-for” in his BCS games since taking it to FSU. However I’m going to look past that and see what he has done overall. First off, he brought premier talent to Norman, Oklahoma. What the fuck is there to do in Norman? Okie-Noodling? He single handedly buried Nebraska’s program and owned Texas for the better part of this decade. He’s built a program that will continue to thrive for at least one more decade. Yes, Urban and Pete Carroll have more titles but Bob is still worthy. Carroll is obviously a cheater and Urban’s success is built partly off what Stoops did in Gainesville back in 96 with Spurrier. Let’s not forget that he took care of business against FSU in the 2001 Orange Bowl, voiding the Seminoles and Miami of a joint national championship. God bless you, Bob.

Best Coach of someone else's talent: Les Miles
Close second goes to Urban Meyer and Roy Williams of UNC Basketball.

Most likely not to win with their own players if given a couple more years: Ron Zook and Matt Doherty

College Football Team: The Florida Gators
This is a close pick between Florida, USC, LSU, and Texas but Florida is the only team on this list I actually respect. The Gators had early success in the decade and then have finished with five solid years. The Gators weren’t consistent, but they’re the only 2 time champ on the list who didn’t have to share a title. Plus USC swept through this decades version of the 90’s ACC, LSU didn’t really win 1 legit title, and Texas only succeeded when Vince Young was under center and scrambling on broken plays.

College Football Player: Vince Young
Let’s be honest here. Tebow was certainly great but he was never capable of doing what VY did in the Rose Bowl against USC. He should have been a Heisman winner; somehow a big showing against a pitiful Fresno State team can win you the Heisman even though your teammate has rushed for more touchdowns, cough, Reggie Bush, cough, you were paid to play college football, cough.

Documentary about ghetto ass football players of the decade: The U
Did anyone else see this last week? “It was certainly entertaining in an I’m terrified of you people kinda way,” said Keifer Sutherland’s character from a Time to Kill. I’m not very conservative but Miami in the 80’s and early 90’s was wrong. That’s really the easiest way to say it; it was just wrong. There was nothing good about that program. Zero legitimate tradition. It’s easy to fill a stadium when you’ve got a winning team that 2 Live Crew financed. What I found very amusing was that the “u” could have won several more titles had it not been for their lack of discipline. Also I find it interesting that Randy Shannon was allegedly responsible for doling out the payoffs for the players. The documentary did not specify whether this happened when he was a player or when he was a graduate assistant. Now Shannon’s hiring sort of makes sense; I guess it’s good to “reconnect” the “u” and the city of Miami to their winning ways. It’s no surprise his hiring brought the resurgence of enrolling the locals considering he was allegedly the link between the local players and their payday. Also, think of the nerve on Randy Shannon to complain about Urban Meyer kicking that field goal late in the game last year. Really, Randy Shannon? You’re from the “u.” You aren’t supposed to be a whining baby. Just keep your trap shut and let all of your talented coordinators run the show while you pay your locals to be on the field.

Movie: Crash
No explanation needed but it barely edged out The Departed. No tickie, no laundry. I was also really tempted to put Avatar here but I’ll avoid being a prisoner of the moment. However Avatar was phenomenal. I came out of the movie theater thinking, “James Cameron just made George Lucas look like this biggest chump.” The Star Wars prequels were already terrible but Avatar made them look pitiful. The special effects were mind blowing. I’m really sick of the Academy leaving out blockbusters. Now that there are 10 nominees, Avatar should be able to slide in; it’s clearly the best movie I’ve seen in a long time.

TV Show: The Wire
Just watch the show if you have not and you’ll understand why this is the show of the decade. Many consider this to be the greatest cop show of all time and I agree. Dexter comes in a close second. It’s about a serial killer in Miami. What’s not to love? Here’s hoping that next season Dexter takes out the “u’s” head football coach. His kill room will be plastered with pictures of Brian Bosworth, Barry Switzer, Bobby Bowden, Deon Sanders, and other college football greats from the 80’s that the “u” cheated victories away from.

Scumbag of the Decade: Nick Saban
Something about Nick just rubs me the wrong way. He’s a bit greasy for one. Also it’s really easy to think that he’s cheating, because he probably is. I have no proof on paper but I have all the proof I need every time I look into his eyes.
Water Skier of the Decade: Ron Zook
Did I say water skier? I meant to say worst coach with a stuttering problem.

Pro Wrestler of the decade: The 1, 2, 3 Kid
I didn’t say which decade. Also this is just my way to mention the 1,2,3 Kid. He was actually horrible but he did make a sex tape with China this decade so why not give him the accolade. Honorable mention goes to Wild Man Marc Mero/Johnny B. Badd.

Compound Fracture of the Decade: Tyrone Prothro
Honorable mention goes to Sid. By the way, Sid is a competitive softball player. How random is that? I wonder what other former wrestling greats have gone on to random careers. It’d be awesome to go to the Olive Garden and have Stevie Ray from Harlem Heat take your order. When I said Olive Garden I meant Bojangles.

Must Watch Web: I was told to put this up. It’s a bunch of UF white girls rapping and cussing a lot so that’s kind of interesting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZovqDLWXtwg

Oh, FSU fans, here’s a link you might enjoy. I’m being serious this is actually pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHf8Tc-yOuw

Random Thought of the Week: Dexter Spoiler Alert: Don’t read until you’ve seen the season 4 finale. What a way to end the season. I’m really hoping Rita isn’t dead; I’m thinking that maybe she just had the worst period of her life.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a consistent fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when a documentary is made about BYU’s crime riddled national championship season.

The Voice of the Gators

Got the Bama Blues? Blame it on this guy!

2009-12-10T19:20:00.001-08:00

Watch out for that boat motor, Ronnie!

I guess it would be a good time to talk about Gator Basketball but I have to jump on a monster grenade first. Fucking Gators!
That feels a little bit better but it doesn’t change the fact that we got exposed by Bama, who will never play as well as they did Saturday again. Doesn’t that just piss you off? A team can be so average against a piece of shit school like Tennessee and then finally hit on all cylinders against the Gators. They stepped up big time and our linebackers looked like a couple of “twinks” getting pounded by their” bear” running backs all game long.
This is the reason why we were all so pissed off this season because we knew deep down this was probably on the horizon. How did we get caught with our pants down at linebacker and wide receiver this year? How did that happen at Florida? Tebow just didn’t have that many targets and our linebackers couldn’t handle the only 3 good running backs they had to tackle this year (all playing for Bama). You know you’re having problems when your asshole FSU buddy texts you, “Bring out the rape kit!” at the start of the 4th quarter.
I hate to compare football to something as traumatic as rape, but Tebow was certainly crying like he belonged at the bottom of a cold shower after a premeditated, parking garage pounding. I don’t mind the crying thing but he just made himself a big target for jokes unfortunately. I’m taking aim. Who woulda thought Tim Tebow would have been playing the Crimson Tide while riding the crimson wave. That same asshole FSU buddy laid that on pretty thick, vehemently telling me that the Teebs is indeed a homosexual. Yeah, I could see that (see blog on me turning on Gator qbs). To be honest I don’t know but I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t think about it. Let’s lay out all the evidence that could prove his gayness. Cries in public, check. Talks with a slight lisp, check. Pounds dudes, check (on the football field). I’m totally fine with it if he is gay; he would be an amazing ambassador for homosexuals and he’d also be a real force if he ever went to prison. I could just see him pumping up all the cons in the yard or a shower full of people after imposing his will on some Latin King or Blood. Even in prison he would make them cheer. Now that I’m thinking about it, this doesn’t at all make sense. Tim Tebow could do anything he wants. If Superman can turn back time by flying around the world, reversing the orbit of our planet, then I’m pretty sure that Fifteen can block out fantasies of him and Urban being alone in a tent on some mission trip to the Philippines. I’m making the ruling. Tim Tebow, definitely straight! Maybe.
Last week I didn’t address the whole Carlos Dunlap issue. I honestly didn’t think it would be a huge deal and I still don’t think it was the sole reason why Bama took us to pound town. Also as a writer, it’s easy and convenient to forget about thug Florida players when you’re going on a rant about the sins of Bobby Bowden’s past. Oops. During the game I started thinking, “What if Dunlap was a suspended Bama player in a game that went in our favor?” I’m pretty sure a whole bunch of good ole boy Bama fans would have loaded their pickup trucks, and sped into the inner city yelling, “Hey, it’s Carlos Dunlap! Get him!” to the first black person they saw. Bama fans, you make me sick.
As an arrogant Gator fan, I had a lot of grand ideas for the blog after our huge SEC title win over Bama. Well instead of those awesome ideas, I started thinking of ways to reference Kevin Bacon’s character from Sleepers. If you haven’t seen that movie and want to basically know what happened, here goes. Bama is Kevin Bacon’s character and the Gators are the boys. I really wanted that championship blog to be special. I was planning on composing a whole rap song about the Gator’s current best white wide receiver called, “Do the Riley Cooper.” The song was really special and it was all about his awesome hair, his great hands, and his uncanny ability to score poon. It had awesome lyrics like, “He f***ed his 3rd grade teacher in her Halloween sweater.” Now I can’t do it. I was hoping it would catch on and maybe we could record it with auto-tune but no, we had to lose. Nothing can be fun right now. Only rape jokes and self loathing for Gator fans right now.
Maybe I should try to raise the morale and try something new and innovative. Okay, the following portion of the blog will be written by legendary director and writer, Martin Scorsese. Whoa, I can’t do that. This is an N-bomb free zone. This is a blog for blacks written by blacks. I’m just joking about the whole being written for blacks thing, but it’s definitely written by blacks as you’ve clearly picked up on by now. While I’m on the topic I’ll share a quick funny story. When I saw Harry Potter 3, the one with Sirius Black, I belted out the loudest laugh ever in a quiet movie theater. When the black kid said, “Black could be anywhere,” as they were inquiring about Sirius Black, I lost it. I don’t know why but I found that to be one of the more unintentionally funny moments in movie history. It ranks right up there with every line of Brandon Lee’s dialogue in Showdown in Little Tokyo.

No Martin Scorsese blog, bummer. What will cheer us Gator fans up? Maybe a wrestling reference or two would cheer us up! I could talk about the 1992 Royal Rumble and how it’s the only Royal Rumble in WWF history whose winner was awarded the heavyweight championship (that reference obviously relating to how the SEC championship was really for the National Championship). TRIVIA ALERT: If you can email me the winner, I’ll send you a free ticket to hell. I could talk about the 1994 Royal Rumble Match, where Brett Hart and Lex Luger both fell out of the ring at the same time, needing instant replay to determine the winner of the match, as a reference to the photo finish between Texas and Nebraska. Nah. That’s not working either. I don’t know what’s going to cheer us up. Well there’s something. It rhymes with FSU losing to USF this season. We might be down but we’re not FSU. For the record I commend the WWF and their officials for their discretion and proper usage of instant replay in the 1994 Royal Rumble. Most sports historians know this is what really started the instant replay movement for the NFL, college football, and all other legitimate sports.
It’s actually really hard to be excited if you’re a Gator fan right now. Charlie Strong is leaving us, our seniors are leaving without any new championship jewelry, and there is only one game left in the season. It’s all really kind of shitty right now. During the Bama game I did start thinking for the future of Gator football. It’s very bright if we can recruit a team to foil Alabama’s style. Urban needs to recruit receivers and linebackers who can play right away, and a replacement for Brantley. I think our help on the defensive line will come with Omar Hunter stepping up at DT and our veteran backup defensive ends. I know they say Florida is the state for the best high school recruits but I want what Bama’s got right now. Their lines are just bigger and tougher. We have all the skill position players in the world in this state but Bama’s got the big uglies.
Also we need to replace Strong. We could promote an assistant or look elsewhere. I wouldn’t mind taking someone from Nebraska’s staff after seeing their defense hold Oklahoma to 3 and stifle Texas in what should have been a big 12 Championship upset. Still this season has turned out very bad. I’m disappointed with 12-1, and I’m sure all of you are too. You know what will cheer you up? Sex! Let’s all pretend we’re blue chip high school football players, drive up to Knoxville and have sex with the Orange Pride! That would cheer me up tremendously and so would probation for Tennessee. Way to run a clean program your first year, Lane. At least you don’t look like a hypocrite.
Is it any coincidence that Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino are both out of a job at the same time? These two were made for each other. How awesome would it be if they were both coaching at the same place? It would be the second greatest duo in legitimate sports history.
Finally since football is winding down, expect to hear more about Gator Basketball (huge game vs. Syracuse tonight), the NFL, the NBA, and TNA Wrestling (definitely just kidding, maybe). Speaking of the NFL, I’m definitely a big fantasy football guy. The best part of fantasy football is creating your team name. If you’re in a league, you know what this is about. It’s not about intimidation. It’s about funny. Raunchy won’t cut it. Clever in 18 characters or less is the key. That being said, I’m starting a new bit called, “The Fantasy Team Name of the Week” Send me your best team name, and the best ones will go up.

FANTASY TEAM NAME OF THE WEEK: RonZookSexParty
I mean who wouldn’t want to be invited to that. First the sex party and then the leisurely water skiing session afterwards. That sounds like a pretty good party, if you’re in a cult or were a cast member on Jaws 3. Who still water skis anyway? Ron Zook, that’s who!
Please send me your best fantasy team names and I’ll post the best one each week. voiceofthegators@gmail.com

Must Watch Web
This is a good take on what ESPN’s programming was like in the early days. I swear to God it’s not a wrestling clip.
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/ladies-bowling/1182387/

Fact of the Week
Alabama raped us in Georgia Saturday. Georgia laws are very clear on the punishment for this.

16-6-1: Rape
A person convicted of the offense of rape shall be punished by
death, by imprisonment for life, or by imprisonment for not less than
ten nor more than 20 years.

UGA fans you may want to read up on this one.

16-6-22. Incest. (a) A person commits the offense of incest when he engages in sexualintercourse with a person to whom he knows he is related either by bloodor by marriage as follows: 1. Father and daughter or stepdaughter; 2. Mother and son or stepson; 3. Brother and sister or the whole blood or of the half blood; 4. Grandparent and grandchild; 5. Aunt and nephew; or 6. Uncle and niece. (b) A person convicted of the offense of incest shall be punished byimprisonment for not less than one nor more than 20 years.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a consistent fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when the Gators go 6 and 6 in Urban’s last season and Jeremy Foley begs to play in the Capital One Bowl.

The Voice of the Gators

P.S. “It’s called a blowjob,” in case any of you thought I forgot to mention the best quote from Sleepers.

Salute to Saint Bobby

2009-12-03T15:18:00.000-08:00

You might be asking yourself, "Why are there pictures of Hacksaw Jim

Duggan and Nick from Family Ties at the beginning of a Bobby Bowden Tribute blog?" Well for starters, if you've ever read this blog you'll know that this will definitely not be a tribute and as for these two classy gentlemen your eyes are feasting on, well you'll just have to read a little bit more to find out.

I’ve had to mull over how I would approach the Bobby Bowden situation on this blog. For a brief second I was about to make it a bit of a tribute. I’d discuss the legacy of Bobby Bowden. This guy has a legacy right? Everyone seems to love him. Even some Gator fans will tell you that Bobby deserves all this praise and respect based on all the great things he’s done for college football. They talk about what he means to college football and how his greatness transcends the game. They say he’s a great coach but an even better man. What of the legacy you will leave behind, Bobby?
I piss on your legacy. I mock the idea that you mean something to college football. How convenient for the reporters to forget the sins of your past during your last ten years. You somehow even got a pass on the recent academic scandal. Of course you passed blame and washed your hands of it. You may be a good man but that doesn’t mean you haven’t knowingly bent, ignored, or broken the rules. Hey, a lot of people thought O.J. was a good man before he took a buck knife to Ron Goldman and turned his ex-wife into “Nearly Headless Nicole.”
You’ve obviously been embroiled with your fair share of scandals, but what I remember is how casually you could dismiss your players’ misconduct. When Steve Spurrier accused Darnell Dockett of intentionally hurting Earnest Graham, you turned it against Spurrier and claimed he was whining and making crazy allegations. “Typical Steve Spurrier.” It was completely dismissed and ignored. Here’s the footage of Dockett attempting to stomp on Rex Grossman’s hand during that same game. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSNKIzIATTg It’s not the best clip but if you watch it a few times, you can see that there’s clearly malicious intent. This was subtle but it’s how I will always remember you. Instead of actually owning up to something you or your player did, you found another person to blame. It’s like you always do at halftime of a game you are losing, you’ll blame it on your players. “Blocking and tackling.” Could the ass beating you took in the first half of the Florida game have anything to do with coaching? Could it have to do with your poor recruiting? Could it have to do with your selfishness in staying around 8 years too long? Has anything ever been your fault?
What will they say about the legacy of Bobby Bowden? You won a couple national championships, great. You won a dozen or so ACC titles which roughly translates to 1.25 SEC championships. The media loves you; you give a good interview and so I guess all is forgiven. After all, you are Saint Bobby. Still before you go off into the sunset why don’t you own up to a few things instead of always basking in how beloved you are? Take responsibility for your wrongs for once and maybe then I won’t think you’re such a piece of shit.
Not done with you yet, Bobby B. How dare you request to play your final game in Florida? Are you serious? You could have had your final game in Florida 9 years ago when Oklahoma exposed you in the Orange Bowl. That would have been a good time to quit on a local note. It was, after all, the last time you had a team that actually achieved something. That game was an indicator of things to come and how you would run the program without Mark Richt. Your early season loss to USF in Tallahassee would have also been a nice time to say goodbye.
Why do you need to play your bowl in Florida? You had your final game in the state; it was against Maryland in Doak Campbell. Everyone could have known it was your final game in state (I did) if you wouldn’t have been so selfish; you couldn’t believe that you were going to lose your power until they laid it out for you in the meeting after the Gator game. You knew this was coming and you could have actually made your decision. Your ego let you think that this whole “being awful” thing could just keep on going because you’re a “legend.” “No way they’d actually do that to me.” They did and now you have to whine about not getting an in-state farewell. Why not ask to play in the Orange Bowl or in the National Championship game while you’re trying to take things you haven’t earned. You don’t get to call the shots on bowl games; it’s not like it’s your birthday when your mom asks you what kind of cake you want. There is nothing to celebrate here. You’ve been limping your way to this point and now you’re leaving on the University’s terms. Take what bowl you deserve and own up to what a 6 and 6 record is really worth.
Well, now that you got Bobby out of the way, FSU, we can talk about your new coach. What’s his name again? Jimblow? Congratulations! You promoted the offensive coordinator who couldn’t score any points on the Gators’ starting defense. Good move. I heard Kirk Herbstreit say that FSU is ready to win right now and that he thinks Jimbo will be able to do it. No he won’t. I don’t need to line up all the facts as to why Jimbo is the mental equivalent to Mallory’s boyfriend, Nick, on Family Ties, but I will make a few points. He’s already been running the show for three years and made final calls on all of your prized recruits. If you watched FSU line up against Florida, you know that talent and good coaching are two luxuries the Noles do not possess.
There is no real need to recap what happened in that game. We dominated as we all expected. Part of me is glad that Bobby didn’t announce his decision before now as our senior class got to enjoy the best sendoff in Gator history without distraction. That game would have been as much about Bowden as it was our seniors and Teebs if he had announced his retirement earlier.
What about those uniforms? I retract everything I said about them based on one poor quality web picture. I loved them. I demand that we have one game a year dedicated to a special edition uniform. Nike definitely got it right this time and it wasn’t like we were all saying, “what the hell are they wearing that for,” like we did with the storm trooper jerseys. I don’t want new uniforms for every game, just once a year. It should be a surprise when it happens with no advanced notice unlike the FSU game. It will be like Christmas morning on a fall Saturday. If some of my Jewish readers have trouble drawing up happy or emotional feelings with that Christmas simile then let’s just say will be like having your first child. You look into that child’s eyes with amazement and just think about the benefits of the tax exemptions you will receive from having dependents.
I love the early success of Billy D and the Gator basketball team. However it is still football season. During the Zook years, it would make me sick to hear the fair-weather fans talk about giving up on football for basketball. I’m a football fan first and until the SEC championship game is complete I will only briefly mention our team. It’s no surprise that we’re doing well. We finally have some size in the front court; remember, Billy’s two most successful teams were his only teams with actual size at the 4 and 5 spots. Macklin’s a beast, and Walker is the gutsiest point guard I’ve seen at UF in a long time.
Tiger Woods created some controversy this week as we all know and I’m not going to say a thing about it. I feel it’s not our business. These guys are human. So when a guy like Rick Pitino goes raw-dog with a woman who’s not his wife on a pool table in some bar after closing time, who am I to judge. Raw-dog is a slang reference for not using protection if you didn’t know. Let’s see how many references I can come up with for not using a condom. He was shooting webs without his Spiderman suit, he took a ride on his slip and slide, he did it Hacksaw Jim Duggan Style (that guy’s old school and there’s no way he uses a rubber even on the road, HEYO! Others who I assume fall into the Hacksaw category: Dolph Lungren, Frank Stallone, Rex Grossman, Ron Zook, and Christopher Lloyd.), he attended Magic Johnson’s coaching clinic, he’s like most teenagers attending inner city high schools, he made a mess without his lobster bib, he was being a good Catholic, and of course he fed the gremlin after midnight.
Honestly I could care less about Tiger Woods. He messed up and we all make mistakes. To be honest I respect Tiger for being his own person. I actually respected him for not giving an answer to the media initially about this whole ordeal. It’s not their business. I’ve respected him for quite sometime. Just because he is part African American, part Asian and probably a million other things, he’s never used race to define himself. He is his own person and he’s never felt obligated to act one way based on his “culture.” He keeps out of political issues which I love. Who is he to comment on politics or policy? He’s an athlete, not our president.
What’s this I hear about Mark Mangino being in hot water for mistreating his players at Kansas? I’m not going to research this story because this is Kansas we are talking about and it does not deserve even my minimal effort, so I don’t know specifically what he did. I’m surprised his players are upset at him at all. He’s got to be the coolest coach ever. You know he’s gotta be taking his players to Golden Corral after practices. If I knew an onomatopoeia for heavy breathing, I’d type it here.

When did you become a Gator,

Christian Bale?

As I was at the game against FSU this weekend I was thinking how awesome it would be if Christian Bale was a Gator fan. Why did I think that? Well, maybe it happened when I taunted the FSU fans in my section by yelling, “Oh, good for you!” when they finally scored their first field goal. I want to see Christian Bale go on a rant at a Gator game. If I make a million dollars, I’m going to pay Christian Bale to go to the cocktail party with me to heckle Georgia fans. This is on my bucket list.
Finally I want to talk about our SEC championship game. I’ve heard nothing but how close this game is going to be. Why does it have to be close? Alabama has done everything they’ve needed to defeat inferior teams. They have not played a better team this year. The difference is at quarterback and we’ve got one and they don’t. We will shut down the run, we’ll score on our first few drives, and the game will be over. This is bold but I’ve visualized this game several times in my mind and I see it happening this way each time. We will make Alabama change their game plan early unlike last year. If we get up, we won’t lose the lead. I like the way our passing game looked against FSU and I see us continuing with that success with a surprisingly balanced attack in a (wait for it) easy win.
Game Prediction: Florida 31 Bama 13

Random Thought of the Week
I’m coining a term. Eating Disorder Neck (EDN): the noticeably thin neck of a woman with an eating disorder. Used in a sentence: Eating Disorder Neck became popular around the time Desperate Housewives premiered.
I’m coining another term: Eatingdisorderneckophile: someone who thinks EDN is hot. An eatingdisorderneckophile says what. What! Every morning when Sportscenter goes live with Hannah Storm! She’s definitely on my list along with the Chase Financial Credit Rewards MILF.

Must Watch Web
Hopefully the Florida/Alabama pre-game interviews with Coach Meyer and Saban match those of previous great athletic contests. Think of all the great interviews with Howard Cosell and Muhammad Ali. Sports used to be covered with such journalistic integrity and I hope the coverage before the SEC title game can match those of the past. Click below.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3zg5r_irs-natural-disasters-promo-lod-big_sport

SEC Championship Facts of the Week
The winner of this year’s SEC championship game will be the 10th winner of this game to move onto the championship game.
7 winners of this game have gone on to win the National Championship.
The Gators have the most SEC championship game appearances. Saturday marks their 10th. This is Bama’s 7th.
Florida’s SEC championship game record: 7-2. Alabama: 2-4.
Kentucky, Vandy, Ole Miss, and South Carolina are the only SEC teams to never participate in this game.
SEC East Teams are 11-6 against the SEC West in this game.

Weekend Football Forecast
Last week was my final slap in the face pick of this year. Pete Carroll, you impressed me, sir. I loved that you went deep after UCLA called timeouts while attempting to win the game. I’m all for what you did and I rescind my pick from last week as you showed me some balls. UCLA was trying to win that game so you had every right to put it out of reach once and for all. That’s what football is all about.
Last week’s record: 10-3. I was impressive last week. The only games I lost were OT games.
Oregon over Oregon State, Pittsburgh over Cincinatti in the “alright already, the Big East is garbage” game, Georgia Tech over Clemson, Nebraska over Texas (why not), and UCONN over USF.
Season Record: 75-50

Yes my picks have thrown a huge wrench into what is right with the world. If all goes as planned then you guessed it, Florida would play TCU in the BCS championship game. Let’s look at my BCS bowl predictions.

BCS: Florida vs. TCU
Rose: Oregon vs. Ohio State
Fiesta: Nebraska vs. Boise State
Sugar: Alabama vs. Texas
Orange: GT vs. Pittsburgh
After looking at these bowls I really hope I’m wrong about the upset picks this week. I’d much rather see Cincinnati get in and play Alabama and have TCU play someone like Boise. The dream title match-up is Florida vs. Texas (I’ll spare you the Wrestlemania VI reference) and that will probably happen, so here’s to hoping my picks are dead wrong. On a side note, if Cincy wins this weekend, the Rose Bowl should take them to play Ohio State in what would surely be the most embarrassing loss in Buckeye history.

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Pittsburgh*
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Nebraska*
Pac 10: Oregon
BCS Buster in a big way: TCU
* Changed pick since last week

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a consistent fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU sells out a legendary coach’s final home game. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators

Be Thankful and Hateful

2009-11-27T09:01:00.001-08:00

This time of year is quite interesting for most Gator fans as it is filled with so much love during Thanksgiving and then so much hate and rage for the FSU game. This blog will express both sides of that coin and obviously because this is FSU, the hate should probably overshadow the love.
What am I thankful for? I’m thankful that FSU lost to USF earlier this season. I’m thankful for Eric Rhett, the most underrated Gator in our school’s history. I’m thankful for the cornucopia of sorority butt cleavage always on display at the early season home games. I’m thankful for Andrew Declercq; I’m not thankful for Lon Kruger who seemingly wanted to make the Gators his stepping stone. I am thankful he’s gone however. I’m thankful my wife has a healthy crush on Riley Cooper. Who am I fooling? I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and realized my hair was growing out and was looking close to what Riley unveils every time he takes his helmet off. Am I subconsciously trying to be Riley? I’ve already decided to get my hair cut ASAP and I have already laid the ground rules with my wife that there will be no Riley-role-play. My terms for any sort of Florida Gator Wide Receiver role play would include playing the role of a consistent player. If I’m going down this role-play path, my wife will learn the hard way what happens when she tries to steal Jabar Gaffney’s scooter. On the topic of white receivers, I’m thankful that my dad is always so hyper-critical of the white wide receivers for the Gators. I don’t know why; I figure he’d be proud of the guys but in the 90’s any time Travis McGriff caught a pass he was like, “Eh, whatever, lucky catch.” Cooper gets the same treatment. I guess in his eyes it’s like a white guy trying to do James Brown’s routine at the Apollo. I’m not sure if this is racist or not but I’m thankful for it. I’m thankful for “coach-in-waiting” scenarios. I’m thankful for the rich tradition and legacy of the Intercontinental Championship. This stepping stone to the heavyweight championship has held the company of such greats as: Rick Rude, Brett Hart, Shawn Michaels, HHH and The Mountie. I’m thankful for soft-core porn. If I were to make a movie of this Thanksgiving weekend/Florida FSU game I’d call it Butt Stuffing. It’ll be the hottest Thanksgiving/Football rental since 1993’s all male “Cowboy Rodeo 6: Troy’s Revenge.”
FSU, I really hate you in a way that is not healthy. I hate your fans, I hate your team, and not to sound too much like Ugly Kid Joe, but I hate everything about you. I remember when I was like 7 and my uncle was trying to tell me why the Seminoles were better than the Gators. He told me, “Well, Seminoles kill alligators with their spears and eat them with their tribe.” If I’m going with a metaphor to relate to football success, especially recently, I’m going with, “The Seminole, too drunk to now paddle his canoe due to a long and rich tradition with cheap alcohol (or demons if you prefer) lost his balance in waters he had no business being in, fell in and then became dinner for a 6-foot alligator.”
FSU, you are pathetic. In this rivalry, I know I’m on the right side. I know that there is no way that being an FSU fan can be a good thing. At heart, all FSU fans know the same thing. There is no argument in any department. Shall we go the academic route? Shall we go the tradition route? Dare I ask to go down the current success route.
Lets go down the fan loyalty route. I saw parts of the Maryland game; did your fans even realize that it was possibly Bowden’s last home game? The upper deck was teeming with empty seats. This was the game to make your team bowl eligible and you couldn’t fill seats. You had on your cute special edition jerseys and that couldn’t bring your fans out. Unload your entire coaching staff, FSU. Beg Marc Richt and call it a day. This is your answer but of course you’ve hitched your wagon to a guy named Jimbo. Did you not even look at the top of this guy’s resume? His name is Jimbo. Jimbo. Not Jumbo which of course would be a great nickname if you were well-endowed in high school but it’s not Jumbo, it’s Jimbo. Jumbo of course could intimidate opposing teams by wearing tight pants on game day but not Jimbo. At least hire a guy with an awesome nickname, like “Axe,” “Smash,” “Animal,” “Hawk,” or “The Repo Man.”
I hate you for several reasons. I feel that your 90’s “success” was built on only having two legitimate games each year with Florida and Miami. You were well equipped for both of those games each year and it’s not really hard to figure out why you had all of those top five finishes. Your 90’s success is like Boise State’s current success. I hope I’ve pissed you off now but you know it’s true. The ACC is still a joke but the field has caught up and Marc Richt is now at UGA. Obviously your 93 title is not legitimate and to be quite honest, had you played a real schedule in 99 you’d probably only have that 93 asterisks ridden banner up at Joke Campbell. There’s a reason your team lost 3 national title games in convincing fashion; because you weren’t really that good. The only Seminole who carries a legit championship from the 90’s is Ron Simmons, after defeating Vader in 1992 for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship. For the record, it’d be really funny if FSU recognized that championship and put up a sign in the stadium commemorating it.
What should you expect in the Swamp tomorrow? Expect an ass beating, FSU. Expect to think you’ve lost the game before kickoff. Expect to be humiliated. Expect John Brantley to outperform your starting QB in mop-up duty. Expect E.J. to throw several interceptions and expect to hear “3 and out” on all of your first half drives. Expect to see several 100 yard rushers cut through your “defense.” Expect to take some of the sod from our field to take home and create a new sod cemetery, one reserved for embarrassing road losses. Expect the usual.
I love that the Gators are trying to make it 6 in a row against FSU and even though I am confident, I always get so nervous for this game. Why wouldn’t I be? If FSU somehow pulls off a miracle, we’d have the worst loss in Gator history on our hands. I don’t know what I’d feel. It’d be humiliating. I expect FSU to be motivated but then again, the Gators have been motivated for this game every year under Meyer. This is their rivalry despite what UGA thinks. Tim Tebow grew up with this rivalry; our hatred for FSU is not lost on him. Our team realizes the implications and they’ll be ready. I also feel that FSU has yet to play a legitimate defense this season and thus I’m predicting the following score.
Game Prediction: Florida 41 FSU 0

Random Thoughts of the Week
Stereotypical pedophile attire = pleated khaki pants, tucked in polo or button down, zip up jacket, and white sneakers.
Stereotypical football coach attire = pleated khaki pants, tucked in polo or button down, zip up jacket, and white sneakers.
I think it’s time to change the fashion in college football.

Also, if Texas loses the big 12 game, and the UF/Bama game is close, there will be an SEC title rematch for the national title. Sorry, TCU, Boise and Cincinnati but the voters will not allow you in.

Must Watch Web
SNL is hitting stride and I feel that Kenan Thompson is becoming their star. 2 awesome sketches with Keenan from this week’s show:
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/what-up-with-that/1178425/
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/digital-short-two-worlds-collide-ft-reba-mcentire/1178383/

Fact of the Week
Bobby Bowden is 17-17 and 1 against the Florida Gators.
Urban Meyer is 4-0 against FSU.

Weekend Football Forecast
Alright, USC, I saved my pick for you last week and now I’m ready to drop it on you. I’m picking UCLA in your house. I don’t really care if you win or not but I’m still feeling you get way too much respect. You’ve been blown out twice and you’re still in the top 20. What’s really terrible is that no matter how you finish this year, you’ll start next season in the top 5 which makes me want to vomit.
Last week’s record: 6-4.
Cincinnati over Illinois, Bama over Auburn, West Virginia over Pitt, South Carolina over Clemson, Miss St. Over Ole Miss, Oklahoma over Oklahoma State, Miami over South Florida, Utah over BYU in Hitler’s Dream Match up, Arkansas over LSU, Kentucky over Tenn, Stanford over Notre Dame, Georgia over Georgia Tech
I’m rolling the dice big-time this weekend but I must say that this is one of the best weekends for college football in a long long time.
Season Record: 65-47

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: Oregon
BCS Buster: TCU

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU claims that post-season losses don’t count when they end the season with a 6 and 7 record after a December bowl loss. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators

The Best Part about Going 10 and 0

2009-11-20T22:03:00.000-08:00

Is pretending that you’re excited about it. Also the best part of being 10 and 0 is that FSU is 5-5. They’d be 6 and 4 if they would have beaten USF when they played earlier this year at Doak Cambell Stadium. I love the “best part of being 10-0” line and it’s becoming somewhat of Urban’s trademark but enough of the bullshit already. At some point you need to publicly chastise your players. Whatever happened to treat your players like dirt when they win and like kings when they lose? If we’re relating football motivation to scoring ass, then Ali G said it best, “treat em rough you’ll get your muff.” The muff in this circumstance being blowout victories.
I love Tebow but John Brantley has been in the back of our mind. I 100% believe Tebow should be our starter but we all know he’s struggling. I’m not going to trash Tebow but being a Gator fan and wanting the backup quarterback to start sort of go hand in hand. Ask Terry Dean, Doug Johnson, Jesse Palmer, Rex Grossman (The Zook Year), Ingle Martin, Chris Leak, and now Tim Tebow. Spurrier has polluted our expectations for a starting quarterback and we always look toward the bench hoping to find the next Danny Wuerffel or Rex Grossman magically waiting in the wings. Before I move on I’ve noticed that I blame Spurrier for a lot of my actions. It’s like when a sex offender blames his abusive parents. Taking responsibility for your own actions is so 1980s. Excuses are what’s hot right now.
If you haven’t thought about benching Tebow for Brantley just a little bit then you’re a liar or at the very least a little bit too comfortable with our situation. I’m the worst offender of all when it comes to this. I’ve turned on UF quarterbacks more times than Ric Flair turned on Sting. Hopefully this is my only wrestling reference this week but it helps you quantify my…it helps you realize that I’m white trash, who am I fooling?
I turned on Chris Leak during his freshman year. That’s how bad I am. I still for the record know I’m right. I feel Leak needed a redshirt without a doubt. He needed that year to get prepared and actually be ready to deal with SEC speed. However if he redshirted I don’t think he would have been able to truly claim a starting spot and of course we know Zook’s job was in jeopardy after that embarrassing loss to Tennessee. You remember that game, Gaycy Clausen connected on a Hail Mary TD at the end of the first half and we all said “F**king Zook” at the exact same time as we know the game was lost. Also I was a big Ingle Martin fan; he would have been an amazing quarterback in Meyer’s spread. When Ingle got benched, I turned on Leak. A good quarterback can stand in the pocket, period. Leak in the pocket was twitchier than an epileptic meth addict doing a Michael J. Fox impression. He’s the only player I know who could sack himself. Sometimes it’d be like the invisible man was running a safety blitz. One good thing came from Leak. The deal Zook cut with Leak’s dad to get him into the program ensured him to start. We all basically know that. However Leak brought a lot of attention when he signed and guys like Jarvis Moss, Joe Cohen, Andre Caldwell and Earl Everett might not have been on board. The defensive core of that class won our national championship in 06. Leak did have 3 good games. At LSU as a sophomore, the SEC Championship Game vs Sas (lets see if that catches on, calling Arkansas, Sas), and the 06 BCS game. Then when you look at a Tebow run offense with the same exact talent the following year, you understand why we get antsy with our current starting quarterbacks.
The biggest thing I noticed against South Carolina this past week was Steve Spurrier’s visor. What the hell was the logo on that thing? It wasn’t a gamecock or the palm tree and moon logo. It might have been something military related. To be honest it really looked like a silhouette of Swamp Thing carrying a lady through the swamp. If that’s the case then I’m going to buy that visor.
One of my friends likes to give me grief about the Gators, especially when they are lucky. He told me that to win a National Championship you need luck and we got lucky with that Trattou INT. After watching Breakfast with the Gators the following day I realized that we weren’t so lucky on that play. Markihe Anderson tipped that ball. Was it fortunate, absolutely but good defense made that happen just like it’s happened all year.
It has also become much more evident that Urban only trusts a select few on offense. If your name isn’t Tim Tebow, Aaron Hernandez, Jeff Demps, or Riley Cooper, you are not going to see the ball consistently. I really think that’s a shame because we have some extremely underutilized playmakers. I personally believe that David Nelson needs to get the ball at least 5 times a game. He can actually make plays after the catch. Obviously we know how Emmanuel Moody is underutilized and just when it looked like he was going to break through with that touchdown, he got injured. I was thinking all game long, “Why doesn’t Moody get the ball? If we could just get Emmanuel in space, we’d be able to fix our redzone problems.” Did you catch the soft-core porno reference? One major positive I saw was that Ommarius Hines saw a few balls and he made some nice plays after the catch. We have the personnel to be better than we are playing; we don’t have Murph or Harvin but we have the guys to better than we are now. Get Hines, Nelson and Moody the ball more. If you give the ball to 21 on the right play, you’ll get Emanuel in space.
If you watched the game then you saw the Enterprise car rental commercial. I’ve seen it a million times before but that was before I had my open forum to discuss things that bother me. You know this commercial. This young “couple” is packing for a trip and the woman (who’s probably not the wife because she’s obviously an immoral whore) asks her boyfriend (or pimp) if she should pack the red or black lingerie. He says both. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure this was just a John and a pro he hired for the weekend, in fact I’m positive. How this whore and client relate to renting a car is beyond me but I feel this is just the start of a deluge of whore-related commercials. Now that I’m talking about whores and commercials I can’t help but think about the scene from Dirty Work where Norm and Artie stash whores in the trunks of the Cadillacs during the live commercial during the Saturday Movie Matinee.
I’m just kidding about acting disgusted; sex sells and we all love it. Look at that Chase Rewards commercial where that milf uses her husband’s reward points to buy that dress. Guys, you all know the commercial I’m talking about. The one where you think if you were the husband you’d make her beg for mercy and promise to never use your hard earned points again. Then the consequences ; the little lady and her new dress will be taking a trip to “Poundtown.” Poundtown was a reference stolen from Tosh.0; if you’re not watching, you’re truly missing out. You might be thinking, oh man this guy is in trouble with his wife. You bet. But I’m throwing some honesty out there. She has her list and Riley Cooper’s at the top. What do I have? The Appliance Direct lady and my denial of finding Kristin Stewart attractive any time my wife interrogates me about it. No one can take the Chase Financial Milf off my list. She’s stayin. Poundtown.
That brings me to our first ever fan mail contest. I’ve slowly but surely had fans email me and it seems like my blog is getting passed around more and more each week (more than your daughter if she’s a first year at FSU, but that’s still a lot). Still you need to keep it going. I’ve been so busy at work I’m hardly finding time to do this blog every week. I want to make this my work so I need fans and a following. That being said, you know you’ve made it when you have fans in prison. Yes, prison. That is what the contest is all about. I already have a few people who claim to be my biggest fan. I love you, Mom and my web stalkers, but I want to know which of my fans has the biggest sentence. I’m a voice for the Gators for sure, but I’m a voice for all Gators. White, black, brown, Mexican, young, old, tan, pale, the brilliant, the dumb, the blonde, the bald, the gay, the straight, the fair-weathered, the loyal, the well endowed, and the Chinese. All means all including the incarcerated. I liken this to when Johnny Cash played at Folsom Prison.

Voice of the Gators Prison Fan Contest

Contest Rules: Must be in prison to apply. Between now and the end of the BCS games I will be accepting entries. All prisoners must email me the following: your picture with Gator gear or doing a Gator pose in prison (non-negotiable), the year you graduated from Florida State, the year you became a fair-weather fan, the terms of your sentence, any prison gang affiliations, how you got caught, and why you deserve to be VOG’s biggest fan in prison. I will also accept prison guards but to be eligible you must be in a photo with a prisoner doing a Gator pose or wearing Gator gear. The prisoner may be unconscious after a severe beating you have just administered.
Entrants will be disqualified for, photos in the shower, photos during a prison riot or beating, photos while you are being raped or raping an inmate, or any other Sister-like shenanigans.
Winners will be notified via email and will have their picture posted on the blog after the Gators win the BCS championship. Winner will also be invited to have a live web chat with the Voice of the Gators in which the transcript will then be posted on a future blog. Winner will not receive the address or any personal information from the Voice of the Gators. Winner will not receive a lesser sentence. Winner will not get any help in fighting off the black gang you’ve agitated by joining the Arian brotherhood.
I know I’ve made jokes but I honestly think this is a unique contest and as I’ve said I’m the voice for ALL Gators and if you do post an entry, I will not mock or make fun of your situation. I simply think this is a very unique experience to get a typically unheard voice out to the public in a creative way.
That being said, if you’ve got an uncle who loves the Gators but loves arson even more and is serving hard time, please pass this along to him.
Enter now! What have you got to lose? You’re in prison.
Email entries to Voiceofthegators@gmail.com
That brings us to FIU. I encourage you to actually show up and fill the stadium up, Gator fans. I’m a fan of the escorts (formerly cupcakes, read early blog on cupcakes if you’re confused) but I don’t like it after we’ve already completed the SEC schedule. What’s the point? I know I’m proud that we can actually sell these games out but let’s face it. Everyone’s calendar has been marked for FSU and Tebow’s final home stand for weeks. I really feel that Tebow needs to get a microphone and make some sort of speech at mid field at the end of that game. If it’s half as good as what Rocky did with the Soviets at the end of Rocky IV then every FSU fan in the Swamp will be cheering for Fifteen. I’m so excited for that game that I’m actually wasting good blog material for next week. That being said I really want to reiterate that I want the Gators to score 100 points on a team. It’s possible and I know its terrible sportsmanship but who wouldn’t want to watch that? I do it all the time playing NCAA on Playstation. I know FAMU knew I was going to beat them, but were they expecting 200 points. If you don’t like it, FAMU, go ahead and write a complaint letter to the good people at EA Sports and ask them why they allowed me to have fifteen minute quarters.

Game Prediction: Florida 62 FIU 10

Random Thought of the Week
I’m really hoping I don’t get my family murdered over this whole prison contest thing. LOL, it’s all in good fun until Kiefer Sutherland’s character from Eye for an Eye shows up.

Must Watch Web
A little bootlegged batch material.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH_oLVhuSZA&feature=related

Fact of the Week
Charlie Weiss has 25 losses in his first five years as Notre Dame’s head coach. That’s one loss per 10 pounds …when he was in the 4th grade.

Weekend Football Forecast
Hey, USC, way to finally live up to the billing I gave you at the beginning of the year. Oh wait, this is the third time you’ve lived up to it. I predicted the Washington, Oregon, and Stanford losses. Pathetic. I haven’t even looked at the schedule yet and I’m not sure who you are playing but I’m predicting a loss again because you’re a joke. The pollsters proved how pathetic they are when you were ranked in the top 10 after your first loss. Oh I totally looked at the schedule and you’re not playing; looks like you’re off the hook. I’m not even going to pick anyone else. I’m holding out for you; consider this a slap in waiting which is way more effective than a coach in waiting.

Last week’s record: 9-1.
UCONN over Notre Dame, FSU over Maryland (reluctantly and I’ll probably be wrong as backup quarterbacks usually only play well in that first game and then falter), Ohio State over Michigan, Miss St. over Arkansas (hoping more than thinking), Ole Miss over LSU, Tennessee over Vandy in a war, UGA over Kentucky, Stanford over Cal, Oklahoma over Texas Tech
Season Record: 59-43

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: Oregon
BCS Buster: UCF*
*by buster I mean go f*** yourself, UCF. I still like TCU for the BCS.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU actually wins a game wearing novelty uniforms. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators

Cock Talk (The Gay Blog)

2009-11-13T15:11:00.000-08:00

Don’t get too excited about the title, ladies. I have a few issues to talk about first. First off, do you think Bob Tebow gets his clothes out of a dumpster? I understand that you are very conservative and Christian but where in the Bible does it say you’re not allowed to own a mirror? Have you looked at yourself lately? Do you get a sneak peak before you walk out the door on game day? You look like a Farside comic in human form. I’m not sure about the look you’re going for during the games. If I had to describe it I’d call it “asshole vogue.” You look like John Wayne trying to fit in during the early 90’s Starter Jacket fashion Craze. I’m surprised UAA hasn’t been on this and found a Gator polo and baseball hat for you but they've been busy living up to their Nike contract and putting the Gators in terrible uniforms.
I mentioned last week that I like that Urban doesn’t resort to uniform ploys and now we get hit with this. If we are going to drastically change up the uniform, lets go all orange and get it over with. But no, we end up with this Nike BS for Tebow's last home game. First it was that orange sleeve nonsense for Florida Georgia in 05 and now this. By the way I call those orange sleeve jerseys the storm trooper jerseys. Not to sound too much like a college student but these new uniforms are “gay.” The throwbacks from a few years back were awesome but for a supposedly “futuristic” uniform, these new ones are pretty bland. Why not really mix it up and hire a modern artist to air brush images onto our uniforms. We’d ask for Gator related images but knowing “modern artists” we’d end up with male genitalia painted on the front of the pants and unfortunately on the butts and near the opening of the helmets.
I haven’t mentioned uniforms too often this season but I am definitely a uniform junkie. I’ve developed a coding system to help you translate the importance of the game by what uniform we wear.
Blue top white pants: This is the “we don’t respect our opponent” attire. This can also be translated as “we don’t want our opponents to think we respect them” attire. Imagine what UT would be thinking coming into the Swamp seeing the Gators wearing blue tops and white pants. I’d be pretty disappointed if I was a Vol. “They didn’t even wear blue on blue for us. How far have we fallen?”
White top and white pants: This is our road business attire. This was quite a delicacy in the 90s when we’d only wear it on special occasions but Zook made this a common road uniform and Urban has solidified it as our standard away uniform. This uniform means no nonsense and many white supremacists may feel it represents the “purity” of the game.
Blue tops and blue pants: This is our “we need to get up for this game” attire. This is also the special occasion attire, a football tuxedo if you will. This uniform may be seen for homecoming and the final home games of the season.
White top and blue pants: this is our new special occaision road uniform. This is totally garbage as we won our first national title in this attire. We need to even the mix in the pant selection department.
White top and orange pants: This was our “hot pants” uniform. This means special occasion road game, and if you are a Bama fan it means the end of Tyrone Prothro’s career. It was a sad day, not for Prothro, but it was the last time we have seen the hot pants.
Blue tops and orange pants: It has been too long since we’ve seen this uniform combination and unfortunately it will be longer. When you see this uniform it will signal “biggest home game ever.” Expect a return of this uniform for Bama at Florida in 2011.
I don’t want to be one of those blogs that does a whole segment on football look-a-likes but I couldn’t get over how similar Vandy’s coach looks like Steve Martin. To entertain myself during the boring game I kept saying Steve Martin related things like, “It’s gotta be difficult to coach an SEC school while having 12 kids and a not-so-bangable Bonnie Hunt waiting at home.” “What a jerk,” was an obvious favorite throughout the game as well and “Bowfinger was a piece of shit movie! That’s why Vandy sucks!” was pretty good too.
If you like old movies too I’ve been noticing lately that Mickey Andrews from FSU really looks like the Lars Thorwald, the murderer in Rear Window.

The only thing Mickey Andrews’ neighbors will see out their back window is Chuck Amato and Bobby Bowden sunbathing in sequenced banana hammocks. This week’s blog is definitely turning into the “gay” blog. Last week was all about suicide and wrestling and this week…well last week was definitely gay too.
Urban Meyer was fined last week for his comments about the officials in the Georgia game. I smell set up. I think Urban did this on purpose to get the heat off the SEC for fixing Gator games. Call me crazy but Urban has been playing politics way too often this year and I wouldn’t be surprised if he went overboard with this recent incident on purpose. I’m not saying this is definitely how it is but I wouldn’t be surprised.
When I was growing up I knew this insurance salesman. For the sake of this story, let’s call him my dad. My dad was a proud guy and would get upset when people wouldn’t buy insurance from him or when they cancelled their existing coverage. My dad remembered these people. Most of these people owned their own businesses and from time to time they would go out of business. My dad would love to tell me that they went out of business because they cancelled their coverage. Would he gloat about it? Definitely. Is it a little bit twisted and spiteful? Oh yeah. Do I exhibit the same behavior based on the generational stronghold forced on me by my father? Without a doubt. As you have read in previous blogs I can hold a grudge and be spiteful to others for wrongs of the past. Ask Darrell Jackson, that punt muffing SOB. Well, when I get the most upset is when talented football players scorn UF for lesser schools. I was really upset at C.J. Spiller for picking Clemson over us and Antonio Cromartie for picking FSU. I wish them the worst and if the worst happens, I chalk it up to this really F***ed up Karma I believe in that was instilled in me by my father. That being said, Nu’Keese Richardson, I hope you’re happy up there in Knoxville. You caused such a stir with that whole recruiting violation scandal that Lane uncovered. You must be on top of the world up there. Big fish in a small pond; they probably love you so much that they just give you things for free.

Unfortunately like many stupid people, you ruined a good thing. Didn’t your mom and dad ever tell you that if you want something you should say please? No? Oh they told you that if you want something you should rob someone at gunpoint? Oh, well okay then, enjoy prison. Here’s the story. http://www.gatorsports.com/article/20091112/ARTICLES/911129967/1136?Title=Richardson-2-other-Vols-charged
Now what you’ve been waiting for this week: Cock. I love male gene…
So gay this week and I apologize. I would have loved to do my same bit from last week when I talked about “The Commodores” and actually talked about the disco group, but if I get any gayer this week I’d have to rename my blog TroyAikmanShowerScene.blogspot.com.
I’m going to actually talk about the game this week based on its huge implications. I’m scared. I know we’ve blown them out 3 years running, and I know SC is faltering, but it’s Spurrier. Period. You can’t trust him. That sounds weird but it’s like an old friend you’re going to lunch with who has wronged you before and you don’t want to get hurt again. To be more specific, it’s like when Sid Justice left Hulk Hogan hanging in that tag match against the Undertaker and Ric Flair during the Saturday Night Main Event leading up to one of the finest double-main event wrestling cards of all time. Of course we all know how it turned out at Wrestlemania VIII and the obvious parallels to the 2006 championship season are apparent Back to more hetero stuff.
This rivalry is so interesting because it arrived basically out of thin air. We dominated them every year and then all of a sudden in 2005 and 2006 we have two of the most monumental regular season games in Gator football history. Arguably the 2005 game is the worst Gator loss of all time and 2006 could be considered the greatest victory. Before the 2005 game I was kind of worried about my Gator allegiance. I loved (still do) Spurrier and I loved the Gators; I was worried I would be torn in some weird way. Believe me I wasn’t. I took that loss worse than any loss I have ever seen. Beating Spurrier in the manner we did in 2006 was at the opposite end of the spectrum as we all know. Part of me feels tomorrow’s game could be like either of those and not the blowouts of the past 3 seasons. However part of me knows that when a Spurrier coached team spirals out of control, they don’t do it half assed; they nosedive into the ground.
Based on that, I feel that the Gators will continue the recent trend and dominate but not to last year’s extent.

Game Prediction: Florida 34 SEC 6

Random Thoughts of the Week
Would we call an Asian girl wearing that now popular Alabama checkered fedora “Panda Bear Bryant?”

If you’re watching a Gator game at home with your wife and she takes a phone call right at kickoff say, “Hey honey, I’m trying to watch the game can you take that outside.” When she walks out the door, lock it and make her realize the error of her ways. See the first blog if you’re unsure of the rules. You don’t go to social events during Florida games, you don’t look Chris Doering in the eyes, and you sure as shit don’t take a phone call during kickoff of a Gator game! I definitely didn't have the balls to do this by the way. Love you, baby.

Must Watch Web
Gotta gay it up just one more time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbjNNrO8CeM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpoaC_XHVSY&NR=1

Did Bob Tebow design his wardrobe? Also, someone’s definitely got Gary Busey teeth.

Fact of the Week
If you have an “apostrophe” in your first name, you have a 75% chance of serving 10 or more years in prison. Look it up, Nu’keese.

Weekend Football Forecast
My slap in the face pick goes to Stanford over USC. The Vandy of the Pac 10 just got picked to beat the cheating Trojans. If USC played in the SEC they’d be well on their way to a losing season this year and I feel they are yet again ripe for an upset.

Last week’s record: 4-4.
Cincy over WVU, Wake over FSU, UNC over Miami, Bama over Miss St (close), TCU over Utah, Pitt over ND, UGA over Auburn, Ohio State over Iowa
Season Record: 50-42

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: Oregon
BCS Buster: TCU*
*Changed pick since last week. ND is done; thank the Catholic gods, and I don’t see Boise being able to jump enough teams down the stretch if TCU stays unbeaten.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when I finally fail to mention that FSU lost to USF earlier this season. I’m sneaky like a snake, FSU.

The Voice of the Gators

Why the St. Johns River Flows North

2009-11-06T13:27:00.000-08:00

I have a lot to talk about so let’s just dive right in. Did no one notice that we went 3 and 0 against SEC West opponents? This is a miracle and it’s the first time since 1998 that we dispatched of every opponent from the other side. We were so busy being whiny assholes that we never even realized how important that Miss St. win was. However we have one more showdown with the West and I don’t think it will be the rematch you are expecting.
The Cocktail Party weekend historically is crazy; so crazy it inspired a pivotal scene in the 1994 Best Picture, Forrest Gump. No this wasn’t a Bama football scene. It was the scene where Jenny is all coked up in that hotel. You thought it was Las Vegas! Oh no it was Jax Vegas! Don’t jump Jenny!
So the Florida Georgia weekend was glorious as expected and I was actually on pretty good behavior. I had to be after disclosing nagging wife details about the Cocktail Party in the previous blog. I was in the doghouse if you will. LOL! Also I’d like to congratulate my wife for not going 0 and 3 while attending the Florida Georgia game. She can continue attending the game and the marriage will hopefully stick until Riley Cooper’s baseball contract falls through and he shows up drunk at my house wearing nothing but torn Wranglers and that gold chain of his.
Tailgating was spectacular as everyone knows but the game was a bit more interesting. Our seats were good. Close enough to see Riley Cooper one hand that touchdown catch in the first half. If you were at the game, then you realize that I must have been sitting in the Georgia section. I must admit the UGA fans weren’t so bad. They were all fairly friendly and they took my overt and flagrant cockiness in stride. They also took Brandon Spikes’ fourth quarter interception for a touchdown in stride up the bleachers and out of the stadium. The Georgia faithful can no longer truly be called faithful. When your team takes a beating, you sit there and take it with them; that’s what true fans do. After we went up 14-0 I heard nothing but poor mouthing Georgia fans crying. F***ing Richt this and Mother F***ing Cox that. Prior to the game I overheard several Bulldogs already admitting defeat. Really Georgia fans? What the F*** is that about? I obviously can’t appreciate where you are coming from as I’ve had 3 miserable years in 20 and you’ve had 17. For the record those 3 miserable years were with Zook and he still beat you 2 out of 3 times. While I’m on the topic of Zook, I have a theory that he’s the Michael Scott of college football. Back to the Georgia fans.
I don’t want to make any statements about mentally challenged people but every year at this game I see a lot of retarded Georgia fans. Not drunk fans, retarded fans. I don’t know what it is exactly but my gut is telling me it’s all that cousin f***ing. I only mention this because there was a retarded Georgia fan standing in the aisle of our section. This guy was really going nuts the whole game. I don’t want to call him the retarded guy the whole time, so for the purposes of this story I’m going name him Quincy. Quincy was not only quite slow, but he was the worst type of Georgia fan. He was a woofer. Yes, we heard “woof woof woof, woof woof woof” for the ENTIRETY of the game. He didn’t just woof and bark, but he’d spout the most ridiculous shit you’ve ever heard in between his woofs. Not to continually bring up pro wrestling references, but the guy sounded like Macho Man Randy Savage. What was also quite special about his comments were that they were all in first person as if he was actually a bulldog.
“Woof Woof Woof Gators! I’m gonna get my owner to open up a can of Purina and feed it to me. But it’s not regular Purina, it’s made from Gators! Woof Woof Woof!”
Judging by Quincy the retard’s breath, I think he ate some cat shit out of the litter box shortly after his can of Purina.
Also, the Georgia fans were whining about the refs the whole game. After every single call for the Gators I heard jeers about calling it both ways. And after every call for the Dawgs I heard applause and people yelling, “It’s about time!” I can’t totally blame them however. I’d try to pass the blame onto someone else if the Gators put on novelty uniforms and then got backdoor’d by a much better team. As much as I want to see the Gators come out in the orange jerseys, I’m glad Urban is keeping it simple and not needing stupid ploys to motivate his players. Although I must say that all black unconquered thing FSU was sporting a couple years ago against BC was pretty effective. Hey, FSU, who won that game? I forget, but the Noles are doing it again by unveiling brand new Nike Uniforms for their game against Maryland later that year. FSU could add an extra player on both sides of the ball in those new uniforms and they still wouldn’t beat Florida.
Brandon Spikes made this week’s bonehead play. Dustin Doe was last week and he’s passed the torch to our defensive leader. I don’t have a huge problem with the whole eye gouging incident. The eye gouge was in the Nature Boy Ric Flair’s repertoire for decades as he won 17 world heavyweight championships so let’s not cast stones just yet. Stuff happens in the pile but Spikes did go overboard. He needed to be punished; however I don’t like Urban’s response. A half game suspension is such a joke in any circumstance. Why not make a stipulation then? Spikes will be suspended for the second half of a game where the Gators are trailing or have a lead of less than 10 points at halftime. There’s a punishment. What is the first half against Vandy really sacrificing? The suspension looked really stupid and that’s why Urban upped it to 1 game which makes him look even worse for flip flopping.
All in all it was a great weekend and the Gators won 41-17. Did I just say 41-17? No way I could have predicted the score perfectly in last week’s blog. Oh but I did. I didn’t think the game would be a total domination but we finally clicked offensively as I said we would. I have been right about a few big things this year and so I am going to brag for a few moments. I was right about USC sucking this year and the prison yard beating they took against the Ducks proves that. I’m nearly right about my prediction of FSU’s losing season. Road games against Wake, Clemson, and UF make their final stretch look very amusing for us Gator fans. Hey, to be really specific, I predicted that FSU would lose to USF. That happened. I’m feeling so good about my predictive ability that I’m thinking of predicting other important things. I’m not sure this site is ready for a celebrity death pool but if it were, and if I’m allowed to classify pro wrestlers as “celebrities,” then I’m sure I’d be right yet again. RIP Vader, you’re next. “Woof Woof Woof! It’s Vader Time! Woof Woof Woof!”
One thing that has been amazing about this college football season has been the plethora of college football programming. There are about 200 FSN channels that show college football, ESPNU has college football shows, CBS has their own college sports network, and even local news is beefing things up with Gator post game shows. College football is everywhere and in most cases that’s a good thing. One case where it’s an awful thing is FSN South’s SEC Gridiron Live. This show makes me want to hold a press conference and put a gun in my mouth. It’s that bad. It’s not 18 Kids and Counting bad; it’s park my car in the garage and leave it running bad. Their hosts can’t read their lines, David Pollock’s rather douchey, and in general the show reeks of ESPN mimicry. It’s bound to get cancelled. I don’t even think a Cassidy Hubbarth keyhole video with Les Miles and Nick Saban wearing nothing but gag balls while being tied up to a hotel bed could drum up enough interest to keep SEC Gridiron Live presented by O’Charleys on the air.
What I’m about to say is going to make several of you hate me or you’ll think I’m an idiot. Here goes. Oregon should be ranked ahead of Boise State. This is not an opinion but a fact. Boise beat Oregon but that doesn’t make them better. Was Ole Miss better than UF last year? No way in hell just like Utah wasn’t actually better than Bama last season. Who cares about fair anymore in college football? It’s never fair so why should it start now. I know I’ve ragged on USC but there is something to be said about a team being confident enough to run it up on them. In this new era of USC dominance, that type of win over the Trojans has been unheard of. For the Ducks to be that confident to slam the door on USC is impressive and shows mental toughness. If they played Boise again, they’d win handedly. If Texas and Iowa lose, the Gators beat LSU, and the top 3 teams are UF, a 1 loss Oregon, and an undefeated Boise St. team, my vote is with Oregon. Sure I’m an elitist but until Boise gets out of that colostomy bag of a conference, they don’t deserve any BCS recognition.
Guess what, FSU fans! Bobby Bowden is choosing your next defensive coordinator with input from Jimbo Fisher! Mickey Andrews just held a press conference about his retirement (that we already knew about) in the middle of the season. Something smells funny. I know I’m not the only one thinking this but this is the most transparent plot ever. Bobby reminds me of a high school boy grinning and quickly looking down both sides of the hallway as he’s about to pull the fire alarm. Bobby is going to hire Chuck Amato and Jimbo is going to deal with it for at least his first season. The deal has been cut; you can take it to the bank. Bobby didn’t like that Jimbo wasn’t going to hire that raspy-voiced-f***,Amato, so he staged a pointless press conference with Mickey Andrews to give him a reason to talk about hiring a new defensive coordinator. Everything I’ve heard about Jimbo’s new contract would give him all hiring power starting this off season so Bobby now has the opportunity to seal the deal for Chuck before Jimbo has a say. Bobby can’t let go; he has to keep Chuck in the program like his own personal puppet so he can still try to manipulate the team he lost control of when Marc Richt left in 2000. “Woof Woof Woof! I’m going to eat what’s in Bobby’s diaper! Woof Woof Woof!” Take it easy Quincy, that’s nasty.
TV Review: Friday Night Lights premiered its 4th season last Wednesday on Direct TV and they did it in spectacular fashion. I don’t want to give any details away for any fans waiting for the 2010 NBC premier but the show has not lost any momentum from last season. There are new characters replacing old ones and Landry is somehow only a senior now which makes me smile as the writers have taken several creative liberties to keep characters playing for the Panthers for the sake of the show. Key characters Tim Riggins and Matt Saracen are also back. When you thought things couldn’t get much worse for Matt Saracen, the writers kicked him in the face yet again giving this sad-faced puppy dog one more reason to cry in the shower.
My initial concern for this season was Coach Taylor’s new job at East Dillon High but the plot line hooks you in early and you’ll be rooting against the Panthers and wishing NBC.com sold East Dillon Lions shirts five minutes into the episode. If you are football fan or just love great acting and sharp writing, go rent seasons 1-3 and get ready for season 4 when NBC debuts it early next year. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose. Episode Grade: A.

Moving onto what we all want to hear about this week: The Commodores. The Commodores played a spectacular reunion concert at 2 PM last Sunday at the High Springs Armory and I was privileged enough to be in attendance. I’ve enjoyed the Commodores for the past few decades and I must say that it doesn’t get any better than when they play “Brick House” live. “Woof Woof Woof! Black disco singers are afraid of us! Woof Woof Woof!”

Game Prediction: Florida 49 Vandy 3

Random Thought of the Week
Am I the only one who scrolls through the cable channel menu on a regular basis to get excited when I see “The Game.” I’m like, “Awesome, Michael Douglas and Sean Penn in a David Fincher thriller. Lets click on it! Wait, what is this show on BET with all these people who look much darker than Michael Douglas?”

Michael Jordan’s son (I’m pretty sure that’s his full name) cost UCF a 3 million dollar apparel deal with Adidas by wearing Air Jordan sneakers in their game. This kid is just like his dad. He wears Air Jordans just like pops. The next thing you know he’ll be throwing an NBA playoff series against the Nicks to pay off mob gambling debts, change his mind after going down 0-2 and then get his dad murdered in the process. Like father like son.

Must Watch Web
Fire in the Hole! This is the second week in a row I’m referencing Daniel Tosh from Comedy Central’s Tosh.0. However on last week’s show he opened my eyes to an amazing web phenomenon known as “fire in the hole” videos. These videos are of people who order drinks and milkshakes from the drive through and then yell, “fire in the hole” as they throw them back at the cashier. So wrong yet so right.
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/24461/

Fact of the Week
84% of female Gator fans claim to be menstruating during Florida Georgia weekend.
“Woof Woof Woof! I’m going to eat whatever you put in the garbage! I mean anything! Woof Woof!” Oh Quincy, that’s over the line.

Weekend Football Forecast
My slap in the face pick goes to Connecticut over Cincinnati. I don’t really hate you, Cincinnati, but this is the best I could come up with this week. Expect UConn to be more motivated than usual on account of Cincy’s high ranking. Don’t forget that this is the unpredictable Big East and turnovers could start happening, making this game sloppier than Diana Taurasi taking a field sobriety test. Also the Huskies have had close losses all year so a season-making win over the Bearcats is definitely plausible.

Last week’s record: 6-2.
Arkansas over South Carolina, LSU over Alabama, Ohio State over Penn St., Clemson over FSU, Oklahoma over Nebraska,

Season Record: 46-38

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: Oregon*
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State
*Changed pick since last week

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when an FSU kicker drops GHB into a girl’s drink at Bullwinkles. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

What ifs are for Losers: The Gators are 7-0 and it's Time to Party in Jacksonville

2009-10-29T20:59:00.000-07:00

The Gator dynasty has never looked stronger. 2008 capped another stellar run for the Florida Gators marking their 8th National Championship since 1991. The Gators are again on top of the world. Let’s recap key moments during the 8 National Championship seasons for the Gators.
1991: Going into the Sugar Bowl it looked like the Gators could do no better than number 3 in the final polls. Facing the Irish the Gators did not lack motivation. However they needed more than just a little bit of help and by the end of the game, the Gators got all they needed. Early in the game the Gators got all they could handle from Jerome Bettis but the Bus hopped off the field gimpy after spraining his MCL after a short gain in the first quarter. The Irish had no answer and the Gators rolled. Throw in 2 more huge favors as Washington was upset by Michigan in the Rose Bowl and the Hurricanes laid an egg against Nebraska and the Gators had the most improbable and most cherished Gator National Championship of all time.
1996: This may be my favorite National Championship as we did it against our rivals. We didn’t even know we were playing for the National Championship until Ohio State pulled the upset against the Jake Plummer led Sun Devils in the Rose Bowl. As we learned in the WWF, guys named Jake the Snake never win the gold. Once we realized a win over FSU would give us the National Championship, the Gators rolled in a 52-20 rout.
1998: The Vols had no chance against the Gators. As far as I’m concerned, the Gators had them beat in Knoxville but two f fumbles in the red zone and a missed field goal in OT did the Gators in. To get their revenge on the Vols, the Gators had to do something that Spurrier had never done as a coach: win in Tallahassee. FSU was obviously on a down year but Florida was still cautious. They knew from old high school footage that FSU qb Marcus Outzen could scramble easily on broken pass plays. The Gators had it covered and sacked the hapless backup 6 times in the second half, allowing the Gators to easily hold onto their narrow first half lead and run out the clock in typical Spurrier fashion. The Gators got an extra week to prepare for the National Championship as the Vols had to prepare for the SEC title game. After getting their second chance at a National Championship rematch, the Gators knew what to do. The Vols knew they were playing on borrowed time, escaping narrowly in several of their close wins that year. On top of their usual angst playing the Gators, the Vols had deal with Florida’s desire for revenge. First year QB Tee Martin was inept against a polished Gator Defense led by coordinator, Bob Stoops. He had time to prepare this time around and held the Vols to 3 points in the desert. Final Score: Florida 22 UT 3. Although the Gators did not win the SEC East and the SEC championship, they still got the final glory in the Fiesta Bowl.
1999: In a year where the Gators were not predicted to win much of anything, the Gators hit a turning point against Alabama. In a seesaw battle against the Tide in Gainesville, the Gators were able to run out the clock after Darrell Jackson successfully fielded a punt inside the 10 yard line late in the 4th quarter. This was the turning point. Florida coasted the rest of that season until the epic 1 versus 2 match up with Florida State. The Gators carried so much momentum into the game that FSU had no answer for the Gators’ 2 confident, rotating quarterbacks. This was the last time the Gators wore blue jerseys and orange pants. Jesse Palmer and Doug Johnson were stellar and pulled out an amazing win to set the Gators up for another shot at the National Championship. Still the SEC title game was an obstacle. Bama is usually our opponent in Atlanta but after the close loss to the Gators, Bama’s season spiraled out of control and the Gators faced an up-and-coming Miss. St. squad that was completely overmatched. The Gators dropped 35 consecutive unanswered first half points to end the game before it really ever started. Next up was Michael Vick and his Virginia Tech Hokies in the Sugar Bowl for the National Championship. In what proved to be a close game, the Gators contained Vick just enough to pull off the 34-31 win. Michael Vick called the Gators “a team of high character” and he said he “learned a lot from the way the Gators played.” Vick as we know has gone on to a stellar career in the NFL playing in 9 consecutive seasons for the Atlanta Falcons. Of all the QBs the Gators have faced, I have never seen a classier and more talented individual than Michael Vick.
2001: What an amazing season. The Gators were stellar despite the emotional tragedy of 911. The SEC decided to play their games the weekend after 911 and the Gators played with spirit, courage, and intensity as they easily handled an unprepared Tennessee team. Despite a mid season setback to Auburn, the BCS puzzle pieces fell into place allowing the Gators a shot at Miami if they could just get past LSU in the SEC title game. Unfortunately for Nick Saban’s Tigers, he had to face the Gators for a second time and it wasn’t much better during the sequel. His Tigers looked like housecats chasing a laser pointer as the Gators offense confused LSU en route to a 46-18 blowout. Cue the rematch. The Gators had payback on their mind after the 2001 Sugar Bowl loss to the Canes. Rex, Jabar, Reche and company were motivated. The media talked about it during the 4 weeks leading up to the game. I’ve never seen Spurrier so poised and ready to take on what he called “the greatest team to ever play college football.” After the fact, we realize he was playing mind games and they didn’t stop during the game either. Steve Spurrier started Brock Berlin at quarterback. Obviously we all remember the play because Rex Grossman was starting at wide receiver in a trick formation. Miami had not seen this look in any of the Gator footage and Grossman caught the lateral pass from Berlin and found Caldwell deep for a huge 50 yard gain to start the National Championship. This play was so sneaky, that some may say Spurrier was sneaky like a snake. Miami struggled after the opening touchdown and the Gators moved the ball at will through the air during the first half. Earnest Graham had the game of his life as he carried the ball for 198 yards; 164 of those yards coming in a vintage Steve Spurrier second half. The Gators had no problems with the Canes winning 31-10.
2006: Obviously this was recent history and we all know the story of this improbable championship. However after pulling out a narrow win in the SEC title game against Arkansas the Gators, who found ways to win all season, were off to the desert yet again to face the potential wire-to-wire national champion Buckeyes. We know how the game turned out. The critics initially claimed the Buckeyes had too long of a layoff before the game but the years of Buckeye mediocrity after that game have further solidified UF’s current era of dominance. Final Score: UF 41 OSU 14.
2007: Florida defies the odds and becomes a two loss national champion. After back to back losses against Auburn and LSU the Gators were reeling. Would they get it together or crumble? The Gators hit a real turning point in Jacksonville when the Bulldogs scored first. The entire Georgia team stormed the field in celebration. The Gators and a completely healthy Tim Tebow were ready to respond. Rumors of a Tebow shoulder injury were just that, rumors. Tebow was rushed in the pocket but the fleet footed sophomore playing in his home town eluded Georgia defenders all day, scrambling outside of the pocket and down field on repeated occasions. Tebow further solidified his Heisman trophy, punishing UGA through the air and on the ground all day in a 28 point Gator win. After winning their final SEC east Games, the Gators were set for a rematch with LSU in Atlanta. The Gators were poised and ready to snap at a reeling Tiger team. LSU felt Florida’s wrath after beating the Gators on several miracle 4th down conversions during the regular season. LSU could not contain a much improved Gator offense and Tim Tebow led the Gators to their 2nd straight SEC championship. During the day’s final games the commentators remarked how there is a real mess with the BCS and that Florida could indeed leap Missouri, West Virginia, Kansas, Oklahoma, and USC. The voters agreed with the commentators’ logic by a 2 loss Gator team to face a 1 loss Buckeye squad in an unlikely and undesirable rematch. OSU played much better early on in this game but the Gators got it together and the Buckeyes of course did not have an answer for Tim Tebow. The Gators won 33-14 in another SEC rout over the Big 10.
2008: This brings us to last year’s run. After the Ole Miss loss the Gators put together one of the finest runs in college football history. Blowing out top 10 teams like UGA and LSU was the trend as the Gators marched on to a match up with number 1 Alabama in Atlanta. Bama proved worthy, but the Gators showed their frequently questioned toughness in a slugfest with the Tide that ended in a Gator victory without their star Percy Harvin. The Gators’ defense was much talked about heading into the National Title match up with Oklahoma. Oklahoma boasted the highest scoring team in college football history and that gave the Gators the motivation they needed. The Gators struggled with the no huddle offense but contained it when they had to, holding the Sooners to 14 points in a performance that physically shocked qb Sam Bradford. Final Score 24-14.

2009
It would be amazing if we owned 8 National Championships. However championships are not won in what-if scenarios. What-ifs and excuses are for losers and winning games is what champions do.

The Gators are 7-0 and on pace to make another run at the SEC and National Championships and have so far avoided several what-ifs. It makes me sick when a guy like Mike Bianchi says there is no way the Gators will win the National Championship. He says that Tim Tebow can’t win the Heisman either. As bad as the Gators are playing, they know how to win and they don’t have to worry about the what-ifs. Who is really better than the Gators? Maybe Bama but if you think UF can’t win that game you’re crazy. We find ways to win or hold on and I don’t see that changing. Then if we win the SEC, who will beat us? Cincinnati? Texas? Bama in a rematch? There is no one out there that is scary, so how, as a supposedly legitimate sports journalist, can you say that the Gators can’t win? As far as the Heisman talk I could really care less if he wins or loses but again I ask who else is there? If you think enough voters will actually pull the trigger on Keenum from Houston or Ingram from Bama you’re delusional. No one is really worthy so they will award the best career as they wrongly did with Eric Crouch in 2001. It’s still between Tebow and McCoy; whichever one decides to finish out the year in a decent statistical manner will win the award. Right or wrong this is how it is going to play out.

The Gators are 7-0 but I’ve never been more frustrated in a Gator team. I’m one of the many spoiled Gator fans. The expectations of this season have left me cursing at the screen in the middle of our unconvincing wins. As I’ve said before, we’re so arrogant that we get upset even though we’ve still got it so good. And the rich get richer as we’ve been the beneficiary of a few game changing missed calls. Most of America should really hate us and I’m pretty sure they do. That brings me to this week’s feature on the college football team I hate the most.
1. The Florida Gators: That’s right the Florida Gators are on the top of my list. As you know, love and hate are so interchangeable that one can become the other in a split second and then switch back just as quickly. Ask your cousin who just burnt down her boyfriend’s trailer and then got pregnant while holding him at knife point after he dealt some bad meth to Andre Agassi. I’m sure they’re really excited for the baby. For the record, I’d have to be on meth to marry Stefi Graf and look at her face without spitting in it day after day. Do I really hate the Gators? Absolutely not but I feel like it this year. I’ve been so pissed off about our imperfection that it has ruined at least 4 of the games I’ve watched this year for me and the people I watched it with. Yes, I’ve made it physically uncomfortable for them to be in the room with me. I’ve been so rattled by the difference from last year that I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Based on this I’ve decided that I’d be a horrible parent. If I get upset over the Gators being undefeated and sloppy, imagine what my son will feel like when he brings back a B on his report card or when I tell him he has to walk home after a pedestrian little league performance. Steve Spurrier ruined me.

This was originally going to be a list of the top 10 teams I hate and the reasons why. It went on way too long as I hate all of the following teams for so many reasons. The teams I hate without any further explanation are: FSU, Miami, Notre Dame, USC, USF, Boise State, Tennessee, LSU and Ohio State.
Some notable teams not on my list include Bama and UGA. I grew up with the Gators dominating both of these teams. UGA took some steps in the right direction 2 years ago with that win but as mentioned in my what-if scenario earlier, that win was solely dependant on Tebow’s immobility. It’s still too soon for me to really legitimize them as a hated rival. Also as a Gator fan, for the record I actually thought their celebration 2 years ago was pretty cool. Had we done it, we’d all look back fondly.

This brings us to the best weekend of the year. This is my Christmas. Hell, this is probably Santa’s Christmas; he’ll probably be in Jax this weekend funneling bourbon and grabbing plenty of coed ass. That’s the nature of a weekend that has a name that is far too sophisticated for what it actually is. The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party’s the name and getting shit faced’s the game.
To start off with what a typical Cocktail Party weekend is like for me, I’ll tell you about my fond memory of last year’s game. Well I don’t actually have memory of last year’s game. I had to watch breakfast with the Gators to actually remember what happened. It’s hard to remember anything when you’re 10 drinks deep by halftime but two things I do remember were that the Gators won and that my sister in law kept telling my brother, “I think your brother’s had enough.” This is what it’s all about. If your speech isn’t severely slurred and you’re not invading other people’s personal space, you’re not doing it right.
It’s hard to beat your first time at the party. The Friday night we drove in, I was with my brother and another couple who were all older than me. They were veterans if you will. When we parked downtown I expected just to go walk around and maybe go see a movie later. I didn’t get the memo about what happens at the Landing. I wasn’t clued in that a sea of drunken southerners awaited me. I was also naïve to the custom of pre-drinking so I was quite confused when I was fed several shots of vodka before we stopped the car. Getting to the Landing was like arriving at Mecca; This was “The Party.” Everyone had a beer in their hand and was partying their ass off. It’s hard to explain if you haven’t been there but it’s special. All of the food court vendors were converted to beer vendors for that night and no one was IDing. I was still scared and asked my brother to buy me a beer. “Nonsense!” he said, “Man up and do it yourself!” This 18 year old courageously walked up to a very lovely Chinese lady, asked for a 32 ounce beer, handed over the 5 bucks, and walked away with the best tasting beer I’ve ever had, all while looking like a 13 year old. I didn’t even have to use my teen wolf eyes or anything.

Give me a keg of beer!

Here’s a math equation that the fine people of the Jacksonville Landing didn’t quite know the answer to that year. A whole lot of beer equals a whole lot of piss. Our multiple choice options for that equation were:
A: wait in line at one of two inside bathrooms for 45 minutes
B: wait in line 20 minutes at one of the outdoor portapotties
C: hold it
D: Go Elsewhere
Elsewhere is a funny word when you’re plastered. Elsewhere could mean in a Checkers to go cup, in your pants, in a trash can, or on the Modus building across the street while being interrupted by the police and having to stop mid-stream, zip up, hurdle over a railing to a ten foot drop and then flee back to the safety of the Landing. Ah the Cocktail Party.

Back to my story. Before we encountered any bathroom issues we made our way to the stage area outside where I noticed that everyone was dancing and singing along to the band. The band was on fire with cover after cover. “Big Al and the Coholics” were without a doubt the best party band I have ever heard. Anyone who changes the lyrics of the Doors’ Roadhouse Blues from “save our city, save our city, right now” to “show your titties, show your titties, right now” is okay by me.
Many beers and questionable bathroom breaks later, we made our way to the motel. I don’t remember much, but I remember we were staying with several of my brother’s older friends. Entering the room I ignored any prior sleeping arrangements and just dropped down on the first bed I saw. One of my brother’s dorm buddies tried to tell me that it was his bed to which I replied with several drunken f-bomb laced slurs and challenged him to a fight. I was left alone and was able enjoy my night of REM free drunken slumber. Elsewhere also happened to be in the bed I slept in that night.
The Cocktail Party is the Vietnam of parties. If you haven’t been, you’ll come back and tell people about all the crazy shit you saw. Believe me man, I’ve seen some things. I’ve done things in Jacksonville that you couldn’t even imagine. I don’t quite wake up in the middle of the night with night terrors but I do get a laugh any time I tell some of the stories.
The whole raucous nature of the Cocktail Party is what made my wife reluctant to attend in the first place. In all seriousness it’s not out of the ordinary for people to die in alcohol related incidents during the Cocktail Party so her points were valid. I finally convinced her to go in 2004 and promised her it wouldn’t be too crazy. I promised her I’d behave. I swore. We weren’t in Jacksonville more than 30 minutes when we saw two Georgia fans snorting cocaine off of a car key in plain view of everyone. Also my wife soon realized that when I said I would behave, I meant get shit faced. She was now the proud babysitter of a belligerent Gator fan who went to the bathroom “elsewhere” several times that evening. I was in for a long weekend and was asking her “Are you sure you’re okay?” every hour on the hour the next day. The game was a disaster as we know, giving UGA their first win against the Gators since 1997. Like many Cocktail Party veterans, I left Jacksonville that year a broken man. Many of us left piece of ourselves out there on the party lines. Some of us saw jail time, others alcohol poisoning and for the rare few, divorce. However we all came back brothers.
The Gators fell that day, but this Saturday will be different. This year I definitely like the Gators to win. Just like last week I feel we could play sloppy again and UGA had an extra week to prepare. However I feel our offense is bound to click this week. I predict that this is the turning point week and Tebow will finally look like himself again in front of his hometown fans.
Game Prediction: Florida 41 Georgia 17

Random Thought of the Week
If you have not see TLC’s show 18 Kids and Counting, don’t start now. However if you’ve seen it, I imagine you hate the Duggar family as much as I do. Who has 18 kids anyway? The show should be called 18 Kids and Mounting. After 18 pregnancies, Michelle Duggar has spent over 15 years of her life carrying a child. Who would put a woman through that? Jim Bob Duggar, the dad of this Bible Belt Brady Bunch, is the most obnoxious asshole I’ve ever seen. Who really wants 18 kids? This guy has more unprotected sex than the rap industry and NBA combined. He slings more meat than Winn Dixie, and they’re the Beef People. He lays more pipe than, well you get the point. I’ve got to give it to him credit though; this man can deliver in the red zone while the Gators cannot.

Must Watch Web

Daniel Tosh is a Gator Growl 01 Alumni and comedic genius. Check out Tosh.0 on Comedy Central Thursday nights at 10. This Florida native is the only TV comic I know who will actually talk about college sports and he even called out Lane Kiffin a few weeks ago. This isn’t that clip but it’s still really funny.
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=238859&title=motorcycle-granny
Fact of the Week
The Gators have lost both of the Florida Georgia games my wife has attended. She is attending her third this weekend. If the Gators lose this weekend, I can assure you all that my wife will never attend another Florida Georgia game for the rest of her life. If the judge is a Gator, I’ll have a strong defense in divorce court.

Weekend Football Forecast
My slap in the face pick goes to Vandy over GT. This is far fetched however I’m willing to take The SEC’s worst team and pick them over the ACC’s best to make a statement. The ACC is so pitiful that I wouldn’t be surprised to see an overconfident GT lay an egg against the Commodores. I’m pulling for you, Vandy.
Last week’s record: 4-6.
FSU over NC State (first pick for the Noles all year), Ole Miss over Auburn, Miss St. Over Kentucky, Tenn over South Carolina, Texas over Oklahoma State, Oregon over USC

Season Record: 40-36

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State
*Changed pick since last week

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when an FSU fan doesn’t have to say, “Hey, remember 6 years ago,” when talking about the last time they beat the Gators. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

The Gators Need a Pep Talk and Apparently so do I

2009-10-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

So Homecoming was an overall disappointing experience for us Gators. Growl was just eh, and obviously the Gators were even worse against Arkansas. Still I don’t know if this is truly a wakeup call like Ole Miss was like last year. We’re so spoiled from last year that when we turn in a close win against a quality SEC West opponent that we expect Tebow should have make a similar apology to last year’s. Still we didn’t lose and it almost seems like we are due for a beating. I’m not completely certain that this close call did the trick. Yes our offense finally started clicking in the fourth quarter and Riley Cooper put on some big boy pants down the stretch, but are we really ready to dominate? The Gators need a pep talk. I’ve compiled a list of several humanitarians the Gators could learn at thing or two from. These amazing people have taught, inspired and in some cases even murdered millions of people. The Gators can learn a lot from all of them. This is the “Superstar Gator Pep Talk.”

Bill the Butcher
What isn’t there to learn from Bill the Butcher from Gangs of New York? After her took a beating, he rose up and murdered Liam Neeson’s character. On top of this, he ran shit in the Five Points. If you mess with the butcher, he’ll paint paradise square with your blood. “Two coats!” Urban Meyer should let Dan Mullen know that he’ll festoon his bedroom chamber with his guts if the Bulldogs pull shenanigans Saturday.
Ray Jackson
Did he win the kumite? No. Did he nearly die when he grew overconfident and turned his back on Chon Li? Yep. Did Chon Li steal his Harley Davidson bandana to disrespect him. You bet. How do you think legends are made? They research tragic losses, and they learn from them. I don’t see the Gators letting their guard down against UGA in a few weeks. Urban Meyer will be wearing Mark Richt’s Harley bandana on his leg after that beatdown in Jaxvegas.
Sgt. Kenner from Showdown in Little Tokyo
Revenge! This man watched a tattooed Yakooza leader named Yoshida slaughter his parents in their own bed as a child. Did he just give up? No. He emersed himself in Japanese culture, lifted weights, joined the LAPD and murdered Yoshida in front of a Japanese street parade all while eating sushi of naked ladies and skinny dipping with Tia Carerre in the most famous side-bush scene from the early 90’s .
Scott Howard
Everyone wanted the wolf. You can’t always give the people what they want but you can be true to yourself. Did Scott’s best friend Stiles lose thousands of dollars on irrelevant wolf merchandise because of Scott’s decision? Maybe, but Scott did what was right and played all through the playoffs as the wolf and then had a last minute change of heart before the finals. Somehow the wolf was better with time management than Scott as Scott showed up way late to the most important game of his life. Teen Wolf Too is a travesty by the way. It’s not on the level of The Next Karate Kid but how can you make a Teen Wolf sequel with a replacement actor for Stiles?
Uncle Ben Parker
Sure he said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” But he also was wondering around a bad area of town and paid the price. “Peter. Peter.’ Dead. The lesson learned here is don’t play out of conference road games.
Angelo Pappas
Sure veteran FBI agents belittled him for his theory on the surfing bank robbers. You know what? He stuck to his guns on his sex wax hunch and with the help of Johnny Utah he caught those bastards.
Tim Riggins

I love Tebow but I’d love him a whole lot more if he wore eye black with scripture passages from the book of Tim Riggins. Riggins is a Texas football and party legend. Rexy could balance his party lifestyle and practice schedule so why can’t Timmy? Tebow needs to Netflix all 3 seasons of Friday Night Lights and start acting like Tim Riggins. Riggins never even goes to school, drinks all day, and nicknames other players by their number. What’s going on One Five? If you can’t enjoy of all the benefits of being Tim Tebow, what will you be able enjoy? Circumcising cannibals in the Ocala National Forrest? Florida Forever!
Jeff George
I really just wanted to put a picture of Jeff George on this blog and this was the best excuse I had. This train wreck had a cannon for an arm and a pretty sweet stach.
Ras al Ghul
Someone had to stand up and tell Bruce Wayne what a coward he was.“Like your father, you lack the courage to do all that is necessary.” Last year the Gators had the courage and didn’t show mercy.
Michael Barnes and Terry Silver
Just when you thought the Kobra Kai was dead, these two class acts injected life into the once proud Valley based dojo. Terry Silver was slick, wealthy, and willing to do anything necessary to do right by his Vietnam buddy and former Kobra Kai leader, John Kreese. Kreese wanted Daniel’s knuckles to bleed. So be it. Silver went so far to revitalize the Kobra Kai that he hired a new Johnny out of a top notch martial arts magazine with Karate’s Bad Boy, Mike Barnes. Mike Barnes and the Kobra Kai ultimately lost however there is much to be learned. You gotta love the effort. Mike Barnes would have won but somehow the All Valley tournament had a special rule allowing defending champions with Italian heritage automatic entry into the finals. Total bullshit. Of course Daniel won. Mike Barnes had to fight a whole tournament and Daniel was fresh. He didn’t have to get his ribs taped after the semis this year. At least Barnes walked away with a handsome percentage in Kobra Kai Dojos.
Evander Holyfield
Multiple heavyweight titles. Check. Severe brain damage. Check. Inability to process verbs and nouns into a complete sentence. Check. The nerve to never quit and star in Taco Bell commercials playing his mom. Check.
Lex Luger
A professional wrestler had to be on this list. Would Hulk Hogan serve a better example for the Gators? Absolutely. However I wanted to go a little more obscure but not too obscure. Comeon, what’s not to learn from Lex? He’s the Total Package. Follow this link if you want to know a fun fact about this true patriot.
http://www.wrestling-news.com/LizLuger.html

Barack Obama
Honestly it may be a little early in his career to earn such high praise. Can the Gators learn a lot from him? Maybe in four years but honestly I just wanted to be fair and put more than one black guy on the list.
Rowdy Burns
What a competitor. Cole Trickle might have had youth, and charisma but this SOB taught us that rubbing is racing. It didn’t matter what he was doing, he was going to put you in the wall. Whether on the racetrack, on the beach, or racing wheelchairs with another NASCAR driver who also just suffered severe head trauma, Rowdy was gonna give you a fight.

Great pep talk, mostly obscure movie characters. After the way we’ve been playing, I feel I really needed a pep talk to get motivated to do this blog. I’ve been feeling underappreciated for my work here at Voice of the Gators. I’ve been asking for fan mail and had not received any until early this week. Here is my first ever fan mail.

Awesome posts. I ran across your blog accidentally through Google (search: Riley Cooper+hair) and found Sept 17, 2009. Sorry, but I agree with your wife… yowza! Haha. Anyway, I have yet to read through all of your posts, but felt compelled to email because this has to be one of the most entertaining sites I have ever found. Well-written, hilarious, so-wrong-yet-so-right on so many levels, relevant, and I’m sure I’ll have more praise words after reading through more. I’m a Gator living in Tallahassee, so you can imagine I have to dig around to find real Gator info. Btw, we’re down to one Dillard’s here – wonder why?
Kudos-
Josephine Piscopo
P.S. Don’t post my real name when you do get your fan mail segment going, but feel free to make one up for me. You know how it is. Thanks.

Dear Josephine,
Thanks for the pep talk. Obviously you were referencing the Riley Cooper blog and how my wife really wants to have his babies. If my first son comes out with a flowing brown horse mane and a gold chain, I’m pretty sure I know who the father is. I’m okay with that because he’s on her get out of jail free list along with many other celebrities. Now, Josephine, if I really read into this email, it sounds like you might be creating your own get out of jail free list and I have a sneaking suspicion Voice of the Gators is way up there on that list. I get it. I’m a wordsmith.

Thanks for reading,
The Voice of the Gators,

P.S. Sorry I changed your name to Josephine Piscopo, but you wanted anonymity and association to Joe Piscopo is the price you must pay.

Hey, FSU, you lost to USF earlier this season. Tonight I expect the same out of you at UNC. Even though you are down and almost out, the ACC still gets up to play you. Expect UNC amped up on national TV. Can you win? Sure but every week you find another way to beat yourself and this is one area where I think you have consistency.
Also I love the rumors swirling around your program right now. Bobby to coach at UAB next year? I love that he still feels he’s got it. The only “it” you’ve had lately, Bobby, is shingles and incontinence problems. Also I’ve heard about what happened before the USF game. I think you lost to them a few weeks back, but moving on. Bobby was up in the box with a bunch of his 1993 championship players really close to kickoff. Jimbo, the coaches and players were in the locker room waiting for Bobby. Jimbo decided to start the pep talk and Mickey and Chuck shut him down saying its Bobby’s job. Jimbo waits, and tries again and they shut him down again. Jimbo then says, “Offense, come with me.” Ah, I haven’t seen this much inner turmoil since the downfall of the nWo.

Did you hear that the SEC is suspending the officiating crew from last week’s Florida Arkansas game? I’m glad the media didn’t completely blow this out of proportion and say it really cost the Razorbacks the game. If the media did that, I’d go on a tirade about how the Gators should suspend Tebow, Rainey, and Hernandez for toying with Arkansas with those fluke fumbles. One call never costs your team a game. Five is a different story, cough, 2003 FSU game, cough.

That brings us to our game this weekend. At Mississippi State has been a killer for us. What about Starkville has the Gator’s number? Based on history, I wouldn’t at all be surprised if we lost this game. However, I like us rebounding and being focused after the scare versus Arkansas. Am I worried that Dan Mullen knows our offense? No, because last year’s offense was good and we’re obviously running something different than that this year. Urban and Addazio could know Mullen’s offense just the same so this argument in my opinion is a wash.

Game Expectations
Honestly right now, no matter what I put, it will probably be the opposite. Obviously I think we’ll win, and at least I’ve been right about that 6 times in a row. But for the sake of my current cold streak, I’m going to say we’ll win a sloppy close game. Expect the Gators to be frustrated by the cow bells and racial slurs coming from the stands. It will be ugly but the Gators will take care of business when needed.
Obvious things to watch for this weekend…
Will Mullen know our offense? Will this be like when Gruden played Oakland in the Super Bowl and knew every play the Raiders called? I hope this isn’t the case but if State’s defense seems psychic, you’ll know what’s going on and our coaching staff should be scolded for lack of preparation.
Some not so obvious things to watch for…
Will we stop the run? Miss State has a hoss in Dixon. Hopefully State won’t be putting their large Dixon too far into the Gator’s defensive backfield. I believe Dixon is also African American.
Game Prediction: Florida 27 Miss. St. 7

Random Thought of the Week
I hope Dan Brown writes his next Langdon novel about the Southeastern Conference. He’ll go into Bear Bryant’s tomb, uncover what really happened to Earnest Graham at the bottom of that pile with Darnell Docket, and ultimately he’ll expose Lane Kiffin for the asshole he really is.

Must Watch Web
Danny Wuerffel was awesome at Growl doing his impression of Dana Carvey’s chopping broccoli. The clip still isn’t up but Dana Carvey’s is always awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gO57XRDDodk

Fact of the Week
The Gators have not won in Starkville since 1985. For some reason I’m really not worried about an upset.

Weekend Football Forecast
My slap in the face pick goes to BC over Notre Dame. This is a Catholic slap in the face. I think that’s a Pope slap. Notre Dame, you’re only win against a winning team came against a now 4 and 3 Mich St. team and your obese coach requires a mechanical chair to climb stairs. Sisters of St. Francis of Assisi Slap! How do you have a Heisman contender? Jimmy or Rick or Jamal or whatever Clausen brother you have starting is a hack. Ordinary Time Slap! Tebow would be throwing for huge numbers if he played against the dregs of the Midwest week in and week out. Gentile Slap!

Last week’s record: 6-2.

UNC over FSU, Arkansas over Ole Miss, Bama over Tenn (3rd common opponent between Florida and Bama), Clemson over Miami, Michigan over Penn St., TCU over BYU (why am I picking this game), Auburn over LSU

Season Record: 36-30

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: *GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State
*Changed pick since last week

This stach is so nice

I had to show it twice.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU hires an assistant coach that does not have the words “head coach” somewhere in his official title. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

Go Get Drunk at Growl

2009-10-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

Homecoming has arrived and it’s time to get drunk. Unfortunately the regime of Bernie has tamed the Gator Nation to the point that we get excited when we see the latest Gator Nation commercial. The times have quickly changed. I encourage you to get liquored up this weekend and relive good times at Homecoming. Run the Gallop Drunk, shout drunken slurs at the parade, keep it going at Growl and boo OAR because you don’t know any of their songs, rally, keep it going till 3-4 in the morning, wake up at 11 (doesn’t matter where you wake up), keep it going till 3:15 and make your way into the game and desperately try not to get arrested.

Gator Growl seems to be more inflated than usual this year. I love that Dana Carvey is coming but it seems that these college kids running this show just want to blow money. O.A.R. and Jabbawockeez are a huge waste of money. In fact bands in general are a huge waste of money for Gator Growl. Bands work in stadiums when they can connect with the audience either through their amazing anthems (Skynyrd) or when they people are allowed on the field. What about Sugar Ray makes you want to cheer for the Gators? What about Steve Miller Band makes you want to get excited? Skynyrd had anthems and who doesn’t get the chills during the Free Bird solo? This year will be interesting because you either love O.A.R. or your don’t know any of their songs. Unfortunately I think most people won’t know who they are and why they’re at a pep rally. However you can maybe make the most of this year’s Growl. You can get loaded and do your best Jabbawockeez impression as you hold back your vomit.
I complain because I love Growl. I think that it is a truly unique, underrated and underappreciated college experience. As a kid my dad would tell me loads of stories about getting trashed and getting into fights at Growl. Growl used to be filthy dirty and taking your kids was completely out of the question. I guess back in the day parents actually did some parenting.
I have two notable alcohol related Gator Growl stories. The first comes as my time in college was winding down. It was Growl 2004 and Dane Cook just killed at the Swamp. You know who else was killing? Me and my flask. When someone buys you an engraved flask for your birthday, you have an obligation to them, your family, and God to use it like a man. My buddies and I were passing my flask around like a girl at Pike after Growl. We were loaded after that show. After somehow arriving home we opted that it was a good idea to order some Dominos. At least I think we ordered Dominos; Dominos did however show up as my remaining buddies were passed out sitting upright on my garage sale couch.. I paid for the pizza, and only two of us actually managed to eat 1 slice before we were again passed out in the same upright sitting position. Cue morning as we were still asleep sitting up. I wake to the sound of my cat whining. I look around confused. Evidently we ordered pizza. Taking a closer look at the pizza I realized that all of the sauce and cheese was missing from this corpse of a pie. In the middle of the night, my obese and slightly retarded cat had managed to eat all of the sauce and cheese only to leave us the crust. The whining we awoke to was his sheer pain as he unloaded the demon inside him into the litter box. Ah Growl.
The second story was my first Gator Growl when I was in high school. I had just gotten my learner’s permit so I really didn’t know how to drive. My dad and I drove into town as soon as I got out of school and were ready to meet up with my brother and his dorm buddies. Before we met up however, my dad had to get his flask ready. Let me tell you, his flask was 3 times as big as mine from the previous story, and spoiler alert, he doesn’t share his with anyone. After loading the flask and stuffing it into his rolled up Members Only jacket, we were ready to walk to Growl.
The 1998 Growl lineup was unknown at the time but killer now. Larry the Cable Guy was the host, Carlos Mencia was the first comic, Dave Chappelle the 2nd, and Ray Romano the headliner. Everything leading up to Romano was awesome. My dad was somehow behaved despite making an impressive dent in his two liter bottle he called a flask. The skits were really funny and unbelievably abusive toward Peyton Manning who was in his first year in the NFL. Larry the Cable Guy made NASCAR and tampon jokes, Mencia did his Taco Bell dog jokes, and Chapelle was awesome as you’d expect. Everything was going fine and my dad was the fun kind of drunk, only slightly invading my personal space.
Ray Romano is about to come on stage and I notice that my dad is no longer drinking. Whew, what a relief. I felt like the pilot in Almost Famous when they stop their free fall, “I think we’re gonna make it!” I guess he was finally hitting the wall and ready to call it a night. Not a chance, the only reason he stopped drinking was because he finished all of the bourbon in that construction cooler he called a flask. When I saw he was finished I knew immediately that Ray Romano was finished too. He was like a deer in the headlights the moment he stepped on stage and my dad sensed it. My father’s eyes grew wide and they looked filled with a new sense of purpose. Ray Romano was his and he knew it. Everyone in the audience seemed to want to give him a chance but my dad would not let that happen. I don’t remember specifically what the first slip up was but my dad pounced with a showering of boos usually reserved for bad guy wrestlers facing Hulk Hogan. My dad may have even been squeezing his nose with one hand and giving a thumbs down with the other as he assaulted Raymond with jeers. The boos picked up and they started to catch on. Ray Romano was tanking. A gentlemen a few rows ahead of us tried to tell my dad to be quiet, when my dad responded with a “f*** that, this guy sucks. Boo!” It was becoming uncomfortable. The guy tried to tell my dad that he has his kids with him. To that my dad responded with, “Who brings their F***ing kids to Growl?” The guy was fuming inside and it was quite comical. He stopped asking my dad to stop as he realized engaging the beast was only making it worse. Plus I’m pretty sure my dad was looking for a fight at this point. Somehow the cops managed to only circulate in the general area of the scene. Still my dad found it appropriate to shout and call them pigs from a safe distance. Ah Growl.
Now I became my dad’s baby sitter. As we were walking out of the show I quickly realized I was going to have to drive back to the hotel. To think the criticism a standup comic got from my dad, how would he treat a first time learners permit driver? I remember getting him into the car. No way was I going to have him in the front seat with me. This would have been comparable to Wayne from the Wonder Years harassing Kevin while driving. My inner Daniel Stern monologue would have been working overtime. I got myself into the driver’s seat as my dad was taking off his shoes and socks and simultaneously lighting a cigar in the back. I looked at the controls of the car and realized I was in a bit of trouble. I had never driven this car, ever. It was an antique Mercedes and I didn’t have the slightest idea about turning the lights on. Like when Ray Romano walked on stage, I was a deer in the headlights and my dad was still bloodthirsty, puffing his cigar in the backseat. “What’s the matter up there? Don’t you know how to drive?”
“Dad, how do you turn the lights on?”
“How should I know, I’m drunk!”
My dad finally mustered the cognitive ability to tell me how to turn the lights on and we got moving on the ride from hell.
Any minor slipup or question I asked my dad about the car was met with an unbelievable onslaught of demeaning comments about my ability to drive a car. Finally arriving at our sorry excuse for a hotel we made our way back to our room. On our way back and in the elevator my dad felt there was no need to extinguish his cigar. A hotel manager met us in the elevator and tried to tell my dad that he could not smoke in an elevator. My dad replied with, “You can do whatever you want in this piece of sh** hotel.” The manager took that cue to leave the situation alone and we made our way to the room.
Upon arrival I went to the bathroom and had one of those teenage angst moments where I looked at myself in the mirror and questioned who I was. My dad had me thinking there was nothing in that mirror to be proud about after the car ride. I came back into the room and dropped to the bed ready to pass out. Not my dad. He pounced on the phone book and flipped through it so quickly you would have thought he had the Dominos page bookmarked. Like a surgeon he made his Dominos orders and two large pieces somehow quickly arrived to our room. My dad convinced me we had to eat it all as we did not have a refrigerator in the room and that would have been a huge waste. Finally we passed out with a large pizza in both of our bellies. He got to relive his college days and I got my first taste of what UF could be like. I was hooked and I knew from that night on, I was definitely going to be a Gator.
That brings us to this year. If you are not going to Growl, you are not a Gator. Growl is a truly unique college football experience. If you can’t muster up the effort to make it to this year’s show, I question your loyalty to the Gators. This is the most decorated senior class in Gator History. One day they will make a movie about this group of Gators (future segment to come, I promise).
When you go to this year’s Growl, you better cheer for all of the senior players and not just Tebow. Obviously it’s going to be a gusher when Tebow comes on stage. Urban will probably cry and so will you. However they all deserve a great ovation and that’s what we need to give them.
Also this year’s Growl brings a fairly unique experience in that the game is not a typical gimmie. Arkansas is coming off of a huge win and to be honest, it smells a little bit like Ole Miss from last year.

Game Expectations
Arkansas does not have the personnel to push us around and so we will score a lot and they won’t. This game last year was Chris Rainey’s and Jeff Demp’s coming out party and I don’t expect the Razorbacks to be able to contain them yet again.
Obvious things to watch for this weekend…
How will our defense respond to such an explosive aerial attack? Alabama kept them contained and I expect us to do the same but will we be as effective?
Some not so obvious things to watch for…
What will we do with all of the time of possession we will surely get tomorrow? They will throw on most downs and we will stop them on most downs thus giving us the ball more than usual. Will we simply run out the clock like at LSU or will run the score up? The voters and analysts love Alabama more than us right now because we’re underachieving and they beat Va Tech. This will be our second common opponent with Bama so expect Urban to silence the critics, if he can.

Game Prediction: Florida 41 Arkansas 10

Random Thought of the Week
Had Bobby Bowden retired 10 years ago, Robert Duvall would have probably played him in a big budget motion picture. Now I think Brian Dennehy would play Bobby in a straight to ESPN POS about the SOW.

Must Watch Web
Maybe Gator Growl should have brought the Whip Master instead of the Jabbawockeez http://www.clipstr.com/videos/BillMurrayAsTheWhipMasterSNL/

Fact of the Week
USF beat FSU 3 weeks ago.
2 divided by 6 is .3333333. That’s FSU’s winning percentage.

Weekend Football Forecast
Slap in the face pick of the week: UCF over Miami. This will never ever happen but the fact that you have to play at UCF is so embarrassing. For a dynasty, no one really cares about you, Miami. You could end your football program and I don’t think anyone who loves college football tradition would think twice about it.

Last week’s record: 4-4.

Picks: Texas over OU, USC over ND, Va Tech over GT, Bama over SC (potentially close), UGA over Vandy, Iowa over Wisconsin

Season Record: 30-28

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: VT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU can claim they didn’t lose this weekend without having a bye week. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

Steve Spurrier: He’s Sneaky like a Snake and New and Improved Rivalry Trophies

2009-10-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if this back stage at Raw or in SC

but I'm pretty sure both are wearing speedos.

It’s hard to believe that this is the 20th season since Steve Spurrier began coaching for the Gators. Time has slipped by in a good way. Urban Meyer came to the University of Florida with the potential to stir the pot like Spurrier. Urban hasn’t been bullet proof in the media but he hasn’t been the quote machine that Spurrier was. Urban, it would totally be fine for you to speak your mind. You’re a winner. Kiffin doesn’t get a pass because he’s yet to separate himself from Vandy. Yes that’s right; he has not won a game in the SEC and has an identical record to Vandy. So, Urban, talk some trash, it’s okay.
If you don’t miss Spurrier just a little bit, you’re not being honest with yourself. Sometimes it seemed that anything he did would piss people off. My fondest memory of people hating on Spurrier had to do with his final game against Maryland in the Orange Bowl. People were beside themselves because he benched Rex for Brock Berlin. They felt he was trying to keep Brock around so he wouldn’t transfer to Miami. No matter what you felt about Spurrier’s decision, I’m sure you’ll be able to agree with what I’m about to tell you.
On my way down to Miami that year for the game, I was listening to some sports talk radio show. I was with some college buddies and I’m pretty sure we were already drinking. The radio show was discussing Spurrier’s decision to bench Grossman for Brock and they were taking calls from the listeners. Here’s the transcript of one of those calls.

Host: You’re on the air.
Caller: Thanks, Bill. You can’t trust Spurrier. They shouldn’t call him Steve Spurrier. They should call him Steve Snakier.
Awkward Pause
Caller: Because he’s sneaky
More Awkward Pause
Caller: like a snake.
Host: Thanks for your call. Ryan, you’re on the air in Miami…

Never have I seen 3 human beings more disgusted and offended. Everyone in the car just looked at each other for a few brief moments in hateful disbelief. Did that really just happen? It probably looked similar to the scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent accidentally blows that guy’s head off in the car, but there wasn’t any blood on the back windshield because the blood was boiling in our stomachs. The thoughts racing through my head at that moment cannot be shared in this blog. We weren’t mad that he was talking bad about Spurrier; everyone did back then. Steve Snakier? I mean really? That was this guy’s comment that he had to call in and share with the country? Sneaky like a snake? Who wouldn’t be disgusted? The kicker is, the guy was really proud of himself like he just got a 10 out of 10 on a third grade spelling test. He changed out “Spur” with “Snake” and felt the need to tell the country. I hope the eternity you spend in hell was worth it.
Meanwhile we’re in the car talking about why this guy doesn’t deserve to be alive. I remember desperately listening to the show waiting for them to give out their call-in number so I could call in and give my rebuttal. I had to be heard. The number never came, and now I will never be whole until I can look that coward in the eye and make him apologize and then beg for mercy.
Since then my friends and I have discussed this story several times at length. What would we do if we met this guy? What would I say to him? Even people who weren’t there that have heard me tell this story can’t believe someone would actually say that on the radio. If I did catch this guy, I’d set up a meeting with him and Spurrier. I’d make him get on his knees and kiss Spurrier’s 96 championship ring. Then I may release a black mamba out of a briefcase or just make him watch video of every single Ron Zook press conference and make him take a shot of bourbon every time the Zooker excitedly stutters.
This story is probably out there in other circles because if anyone heard this guy that fateful day on the radio, they most certainly hate him. End of story. This guy also probably told all of his friends about his side of things. He probably talked about how the host laughed and then other people called in and remarked about how witty it was and then his friends told him, “Hey man, that’s pretty cool.” Well I got news for you Steve Snakier Guy. It’s not cool. I have no doubt our paths will cross and when they do, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do. If you know who this “person” is, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com with his name, the names of his immediate family members, and his personal phone number so I can speak with him directly. If you are this person, I’d like a formal apology in writing.

This weekend I saw the Michigan versus Michigan State game highlights on Sportscenter and saw that the winning team was awarded the Paul Bunyan Trophy. Then I started to think about all of that Big 10 tradition. It seems like every game has its own trophy. The Paul Bunyan Trophy, The Paul Bunyan Axe, Paul Bunyan’s Wife’s Tampon (I think that’s a big 10 ladies basketball trophy), The Oaken Bucket, The Little Brown Jug, and the list goes on. Outside of the Big 10 they have similar trophies that don’t seem to have the same importance. For example Florida and Miami play for The Seminole War Canoe Trophy. I know; I really don’t care either. Why not really spice up some of the rivalries around the country with some socially relevant trophies? Here’s my list of some trophies that rivals should compete for each year.

UF vs. FSU: The Battle over Terry Shiavo’s Living Will (went there)
Florida vs. Georgia: The Battle for the Golden Stomach Pump
UF vs. Miami: The Battle over Brock Berlin’s Bronze Douche Bag
Miami vs. FSU: The Battle for early season legitimacy only to always be derailed by reality
UF vs. Tennessee: The Battle for the Peyton Manning Cup. Even when UT occasionally
does beat us, they’ll be pleasantly reminded that Peyton Manning never did.
UF vs. South Carolina: The Battle for Ric Flair’s Tanning Bed
UCF vs. USF: The Battle for 3rd place in the state of Florida. That’s right, FSU. Remember 2 weeks ago when you lost to USF? Ah memories.

Yes this makes me want to throw up too. FSU sucks

but that doesn't mean USF is now legit.

Alabama vs. Auburn: The Battle over Nathan Bedford Forrest’s Cross
FAMU vs. BCC: The Battle over Uncle Tom’s Cabin
Ole Miss vs. Miss St.: The Battle for…well you got the picture with the Bama Auburn joke.
South Carolina vs. Notre Dame: The Battle for Lou Holtz’s Remains
Vandy vs. Kentucky: The Battle for the SEC’s Village Bicycle
USC vs. UCLA: The Battle over Reggie Bush’s Mom’s House
USC vs. Buffalo: The Battle for O.J.’s Bronze Buck Knife
Notre Dame vs. Michigan: The Battle over Charlie Weis’s Golden Gastric Bypass Ring
Oregon vs. Oregon State: The Battle for the Ford the River Trophy (Oregon Trail reference).
For the record I played the Oregon Trail online in order to get this screen shot. I never remember being able to go on a suicide mission playing this game in elementary school. I actually tried to win. This game tries to keep you alive. Why didn’t the Indians just mind their own business? No, they had to help me find food. I wanted Joey Harrington dead!

FSU, remember when you lost to Miami? Yes, I predicted that you were 1 game into a losing season. GT is not very good and you are probably going to lose to them at home. At least you’re signing Jimbo to a five year deal. That was such a coup. You totally hired an amazing coach from LSU. Let’s look at his numbers coaching against some quality opponents at LSU in 2006. Your offense was amazing considering you were coaching a future overall number 1 quarterback in Jamarcus Russell and future first round wide receiver Dwayne Bowe. Oh wait your offense could only score against inept defenses. The two losses your team had that season came because your offense couldn’t produce. You lost 7-3 to Auburn and 23-10 to Florida. That doesn’t sound like a big coupe for FSU. LSU’s defense was winning games especially with Nick Saban. Your job was to not mess it up. End of Story. Now that you have a bit of freedom, guess what you’ve been doing. Messing it up. FSU, I’m not excited for you to be good again but it’s not that hard to figure out what you need to do? Fire Jimbo and pay him off. You got yourself into that mess with the coach in waiting situation, now make the smart move and end it. Unload a boat load of money at Cincinnati’s Brian Kelly’s house or Chris Peterson from Boise State. Either option is better than a proven producer of mediocrity named Jimbo. You will fire Jimbo within his first three years, I promise you that. This situation isn’t like when Spurrier left Florida. Bowden’s shadow is not looming so large anymore. You could get the next Urban Meyer but we know that’s not going to happen because you’ve put all your eggs in one basket. Just because a guy was involved with a national championship (that I don’t recognize) doesn’t mean he’s a good hire. Defense won that championship at LSU and terrible offense is why the 2009 Noles will have a losing record.
All this talk about LSU and terrible offense has me really excited about this weekend’s match up. Never have I seen so much hype for one game. CBS hasn’t been this thankful for one person’s head injury since they aired Regarding Henry in primetime back in the mid nineties.

Game Expectations
I really expect Florida to turn it up in Baton Rouge. I obviously expect a win and the defense should be the reason. I think our offense will be good enough for at least 28 but I honestly think 17 would do the trick with no problems.
Obvious things to watch for this weekend…
Will he or won’t he? It won’t matter if the Teebs plays or not. Like I said I expect our defense to victimize the inept Tiger offense. In all reality this game shouldn’t be a story because the Tigers should have lost to Miss State and UGA. However I’m thankful for the extra motivation their ranking will give our players. If Tebow doesn’t play, expect a really awesome pep talk from him on the sidelines which will probably be turned into another plaque to be posted outside Florida Field. Our team will play for Tebow if he’s in the game or on the sideline. They might be even more motivated for him so they don’t blow the perfect season if he can’t go.
Some not so obvious things to watch for…
If Tebow does play, will they get JB some real playing time? I don’t think this would be a bad idea especially if our defense is rolling.
Will our running backs be able to produce like they have against mediocre talent? If they start early, this game will be over early. If Tebow doesn’t go, I’d definitely try to run some wildcat with Moody. He could easily rattle off Tebow-type runs in that formation and then some. With our defense, we can shut the door on LSU by halftime and really get Brantley some quality minutes assuming we don’t turn the ball over too frequently.
Also if Tebow plays will he run the ball the same way he did against Kentucky? He was like a tap dancer out there slipping through defenders and juking Wildcats without any problems.

Game Prediction: Florida 38 LSU 10

Random Thought of the Week
Somehow I don’t think that a Holly Rowe keyhole video would have drummed up as much media attention as the Erin Andrews video. For the record, you know you’d watch.

Tim Tebow is a great guy, but for the

record I think this is a sympathy interview.

Must Watch Web

This is more like, must play web. This is the site with the Oregon Trail Emulator. I played as Les Miles and then as Tim Tebow. Guess what Les. You’re screwed this Saturday. I tried my best to kill off Tim Tebow. He’s like the Terminator of the great frontier. He could get to the end of the Oregon Trail pulling his wagon from a wheelchair. What do you think he’s going to do this Saturday? You’ll be drowning by halftime.
http://www.virtualapple.org/oregontraildisk.html

Fact of the Week
LSU has the 82nd best offense in the country.
The Gators are giving up 7.25 points a game on defense.
Tiger Stadium at night doesn’t turn chicken shit into chicken salad.

Weekend Football Forecast
BC over Va Tech. That’s right Va Tech, you’re up this week. I think you get way too much credit. You beat Miami, hooray. You also got thumped by the only real team you played this year.
Now everyone thinks Miami is so good because they snuck by the Sooners? OU lost to BYU! This is the same team that FSU had a non-consenting conjugal visit with.
Va Tech, you snuck by Duke last week and I think you’re a little bit full of yourself with that top 10 ranking.

Last week’s record: 1-9. I’m embarrassed over last week’s record. It was pitiful. I think I was getting a little bit too cute with my picks after predicting some really good early season upsets. See Tim Tebow’s speech and you’ll get the gist of my sorrow. However I did have one pick correct, and that was BC over FSU so at the end of the day I came out a winner.

Picks: Nebraska over Missouri, Auburn over Arkansas, UGA over Tenn, Bama over Ole Miss, GT over FSU (reluctantly but why not), Miss St. over Houston

Season Record: 26-24

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: VT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU fires Jimbo Fisher. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

FSU Forced out of the Closet, Why a College Football Coach may Murder your Family, and Bye Week Blues

2009-10-01T16:06:00.000-07:00

Hey, Florida State fans, I’m going to get right down to the point. You are garbage. I’ll talk about your football team in just a minute, but right now I want to talk about you. Why did it have to come to this? For the past 9 seasons, you kept trying to fool the country and yourselves. I can’t get over the flamboyance. Was it so hard to face reality? Don’t tell me that bogus ACC title in 2005 really had you believing that you were still an elite program. Mark Furman could have convinced every African American in LA County to vote for John McCain before you could have convinced a knowledgeable college football fan that you have a good football team.
Was it so hard to realize that a 7 and 6 season is not the exception but the rule? It only took us 1 year of Zook to face reality, so why has it taken you 9? Here’s another reality check for you. You weren’t really all that great in the 90s but merely a product of your conference schedule. Also it’s not that hard to realize that your credibility left with Mark Richt. Were you afraid to tell people? Were you waiting for the right time? It’s a difficult decision to make. I bet your male baton twirler from a few years back faced a similar challenge when confronted with the reality of no longer being able to keep a big secret from his friends and family. However he was a male baton twirler. Everyone knew, just like most people have known that your program is in shambles. So why didn’t you tell?
You were scared, weren’t you? The Gators outed you five years in a row but somehow you kept telling people otherwise. Saturday when you lost to USF, you picked up your baton and I expect you to twirl it like hell for the next ten years. Be proud of who you really are.
But why, FSU? Why did you have to let USF out you? Why couldn’t you have let Jackson State take away that burden? Did it have to be USF? Now we get to listen to their fans talk about how they’re a legitimate program for the next five years. This is obviously not the case because you have to beat a legitimate program to be a legitimate program.
There’s no turning back now, FSU. You’re out. Exposed. You could win the rest of the games this season but it won’t matter. You lost to USF and there’s no turning back from that.
Now on to matters dealing with legitimate football programs. Many people thought my blog from Sunday was offensive. I posted the link in a message board with the title, “Thank God Tim Tebow doesn’t Wear Christopher Reeve’s Pajamas.” That was the original title of the blog, which has since been changed. On that same message board I heard comments ranging from me being the most despicable person in the world to it being the lowest thing anyone has ever posted on that board. I then realized that I was certainly offending some people so I changed the title of my blog. I certainly don’t want to offend people but it’s obviously going to happen. Still I do have an issue here. My issue is with people who actually get offended. What I said wasn’t exactly doing the crippled any favors; I agree with that but it was just words. It’s not like I went out on a rampage pushing paraplegics out of their wheelchairs or went number 2 on Christopher Reeve’s grave. I put a joke on the internet. If you don’t like it, don’t read it, but realize that being offended is pointless and reflects ignorance. If you were offended last week, take a good look in the mirror. Have you never said anything controversial? I’m actually offended now that I’m thinking about it. If you’re so offended, why aren’t you out there helping the handicapped instead of reading Gator message boards? You make me sick.
And so do the polls. It is seriously worse than usual this year. I was watching the Tony Barnhart Show (really good btw) on CBS’s college sports network and he was also very peeved with the current state of things. I originally wrote out my top 10 reasons why the polls are garbage but I decided I didn’t want to preach so much. You get it; most Americans are borderline retarded or on drugs and this includes the coaches and media members voting for college football’s best teams. I’ll give you the Mike Price version (This means abbreviated, like Mike Price’s coaching career at Alabama; google the story to read about a true class act).

Someone knows the exit number for Micanopy.

The SEC gets too much credit in the top 25. LSU and Ole Miss are clearly not elite teams so why were they ever treated as such?
Quit ranking the garbage teams so high. Yes this is Boise State, and BYU and so on and so forth. And while you’re still loving these POS programs, why won’t you give Cincinnati any love?
Why do you rank teams behind teams they have handedly beaten? Penn State is ahead of Iowa and Cal is ahead of Oregon; what the F is wrong with the world? Quit ranking USC because of their name. They’re not good this year; in 2006 the voters jumped USC ahead of the Gators for no apparent reason when they beat Cal by 14 points and UF rolled over Western Carolina. This put them in position to cruise their way into the national title game had they not lost in the final week of the year.

So the TV show Dexter is back; thank God. If you don’t know about the character of Dexter, he’s basically a good-doing serial killer with quick wits. This show really will make you reanalyze your beliefs on what is right and what is wrong. As I was watching this week’s episode I started wondering who else could be a serial killer. They could blend in anywhere, and even among college football’s elite. Could there be serial killers in college football?
Straight out the gate I could tell you who definitely would not fit the bill. Due to the deafening the volume of their heavy breathing, Mark Mangino and Charlie Weiss couldn’t do it. They couldn’t sneak up on a guy cutting the grass. Plus the high level of physical activity required to walk into and out of buildings in order to kill people would be out of the question for these two. Now I’ve probably offended these two coaches. I’m sorry guys. I’ll buy each of you a case of Moonpies and that should turn your frowns upside down. For the record, both of those frowns are parked right on top of 5 to 6 chins. Just saying.
Frank Beamer couldn’t do it based suspicion. Sorry man, but that skin graft/butt face/whatever it is would be a dead giveaway. Who’s the killer? I don’t know, but let’s question Butt Face.
Bobby Bowden would be one we wouldn’t suspect but he’d definitely get caught and serial murder isn’t an offense you can pin on your players.
You’d probably guess that there is no way I’d ever even mention Tim Tebow on this list. There’s no way he’d ever end up on this list. He’s a religious fanatic; that’s never been the reason for any sort of murder in the past…
There’s no way Lou Holtz would ever be in this category either but he would have a great motive. Motivation would be his motive. His speeches are legendary and he expects excellence. What if his players don’t deliver? “Boys, tomorrow, we’re going to beat Penn State. Do you know why? Because if we don’t, I’m going to murder each and every one of you.”
Lee Corso would probably be too old but how awesome would it be to see him sneak up one someone with a knife and say, “Not so fast, my friend.”
I think we all know who would be the perfect killing machine. Urban Meyer. He's like a great white shark with a headset. A guy who can get the spread option to work in the SEC is definitely calculated and borderline diabolical. He’s the type of guy who likes to savor things and prolong agony. He called a timeout at the end of the Georgia game last year to make it last just a little while longer.
So that brings us to this week’s game. Oh wait there is no game. Usually this is the worst week out of my year but somehow this week is perfect. This is the one week we actually needed a bye. Teebs is injured and needs a rest and so it was granted by the college football gods. This could go down in history with other lucky breaks that resulted in national titles. There was that infamous kick Nebraska had against Missouri in 1997 and then there was that lucky break where Bobby Bowden reinstated Peter Warrick after he received all of that stolen merchandise from Dillards in 1999. Sometimes a team just needs to catch a few lucky breaks. If we do end up going undefeated and win our 4th national title, this bye week will be one of many signs of why this was a team of destiny.

Random Thoughts of the Week
Saturday I’m going to tell my wife that the Gator game is at 3:30. I’m going to put in a tape from 2 years ago and see if she figures it out. If she doesn’t, I’m going to file for divorce.

Thursday night football is bush league. If your team plays on Thursday nights, you are not elite. You’re doing what you can to get noticed; I get it and so do the brave men who try to break into the adult film industry. These guys don’t just get to show up for their first day of work and share the screen with a beautiful lady. They have to pay their dues and slay their way through the bottom. The bottom being dudes. Thursday night football: football for dudes!

Must Watch Web
Tim Tebow’s not the only one who got a concussion this weekend. I’m such an NBC homer.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/98807/the-tonight-show-with-conan-obrien-conan-hits-his-head#http%3A%2F%2Fwww.hulu.com%2Ffeed%2Fshow%2F2133%2Fclips

Fact of the Week
My wife doesn’t know that it’s a bye week.

Weekend Football Forecast
Slap in the face pick of the week: Indiana over Ohio State. OSU, I don’t like you on the road at Indiana. I also don’t like your face. You’re suspect and if your QB is legitimately good, then Chris Leak was the best quarterback to ever play football. Before, you could at least rip through your conference but ever since the Gators exposed you in the 06 title game, it’s all been down hill. 1 loss in 06, 2 in 07, 3 in 08 and I’m guessing 4 this year.

Last week’s record: 6-4 including the Gator Game

Picks: UGA over LSU, BC over FSU, Miss St. over GT (must win for State), Tenn over Auburn, Cal over USC, Oklahoma over Miami, Washington over ND, Vandy over Ole Miss, and Syracuse over USF in your standard hiccup game. A grown man made these picks.

Season Record: 25-15

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: VT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when another FSU player tries to stomp on a Gator quarterback’s hand during a blowout loss. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

Collective Gasp and then Sigh of Relief

2009-09-27T11:50:00.001-07:00

I nearly cried yesterday. I gasped. Tim Tebow was on the ground in a position that has meant life altering injuries for too many football players before yesterday. For a split second I realized that I’m not such a bad person. I didn’t think about our football team; I thought about how something so bad could happen to one of the best people on the planet today. Tim Tebow’s future life flashed before my eyes. That should tell you how much he has become a part of our lives in the Gator Nation. I saw him overcoming paralysis to live a fruitful life despite a handicap. I saw him turning it into a positive. I saw him somehow becoming even more legendary for what he could achieve and how he could inspire. And then he sat up. Tim Tebow is okay and that is all we should care about.
Still as a would-be comedic writer, I stepped out of that moment and became a lesser person all too soon. I thought about all of the ways I could spin this in a funny way. After all the Teebs was okay. By the way, Charlie Strong stepped in for Urban Meyer this week on Florida Football with Urban Meyer and he kept calling him “Teebs.” I love it. So what I came up with was "Tim Tebow doesn’t wear Christopher Reeve’s pajamas." I'm a terrible person, I know. However it is what I thought. Tebow is always compared to Superman and when he was lying on the ground this is the thought that came to mind. Had he been seriously injured, the sorrowful irony would have been apparent. But this has me thinking, I love the whole Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas joke. What type of pajamas are the rest of the Gators and other important figures in sports wearing. Lets find out.

Lane Kiffin wears Ian Ziering pajamas.

Ian, those are some big DB PJs to fill.

Charlie Weiss wears Lane Bryant pajamas.
Debo from the movie Friday wears Charlie Strong pajamas.

The Predator wears Brandon Spikes pajamas.
Tim Brando wears LSU pajamas.
Zac Efron wears Riley Cooper Pajamas. Recycled joke but it still works.
Jimbo Fisher is waiting to wear Bobby Bowden’s pajamas.
Joke’s on Jimbo because Bobby sleeps in the nude. Take that mental picture and save it for a rainy day.
Ron Zook was wearing oversized pajamas but he took them to a tailor and got that corrected.
Urban Meyer wears Notre Dame pajamas whenever he wants a bigger contract from Florida.
Cade Holliday wears Rudy pajamas.
Mike Pouncey wears Maurkice’s pajamas when the laundry gets mixed up. LOL! It’s like a sitcom waiting to happen right after Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns.

See the Pouncey's Thursday Nights at 10 on TBS. Very Funny.

FSU wears USF pajamas. Burn! Believe me, Thursday’s blog will be almost all about your game against USF. By the way, I think I’m only going to speak to FSU in first person from here on out.

Mike Bianchi wears Dan Lebatard pajamas.
Brett Favre wears Wranglers to bed, period. No need to be indecisive about that. The man likes quality at a good price.

UGA fans might think Brett is a Gator judging by those jean shorts.

Drew Weatherford wears the negligee of a scorned lover.
Michael Vick wears Underdog pajamas but was getting used to the government issued variety.
Jamar Hornsby wears pajamas purchased with a stolen credit card.
Sam Bradford wears a nice set of buckskin pajamas, cowhide moccasins and a traditional ceremonial headdress.
Christian Ponder is now getting used to the idea of wearing Chris Rix pajamas.
John Brantley wears Brutus pajamas because deep down he wants to be the starter against LSU.

Et tu, Brantley?

Ole Miss wears Gucci Pajamas. I know the idea sounds nice but believe me, they are way overrated.

That is all for now. I wanted to rush out the Tebow blog. I’ll have one up Thursday recapping the Kentucky game and hopefully have a take on Tebow’s updated status. Oh and FSU, you lost to USF, just thought I’d remind you of that little tidbit of information.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU can actually beat a team from the state of Florida. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

Take a Good Look in the Mirror, Gator Fans: Gator Arrogance and Great Moments Against Kentucky

2009-09-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

Pardon my mediocre blogging this week; I may have come down with the flu. Enough excuses and more, well excuses. What did we learn against the Vols? Well we’re human, or at least obviously better than Tennessee but not to the point of embarrassment. They gave us a run but we learned a lot from the win. This win will hopefully serve as a wake up call like the Ole Miss game did last year, or like UNC was for FSU in 2001. Wait, that wasn’t like Ole Miss at all. FSU is still asleep…on board an oil tanker…with a drunk driving captain in waiting named Jimbo…heading straight for an ice berg off the coast of mediocrity. More on your huge victory against the Stormin Mormons later.
I still can’t believe Kiffin is talking after that game. He is by far a bad coach. His offense when it was successful was a complete copy of Alabama from the SEC championship game and at its worst showed his lack of discipline and patience as a play caller. Tennessee’s strong points came from his father, Monte, and it’s obvious. Without daddy, Lane, you’ve got nothing. You’re the George W. Bush of SEC football. Even better, you’re the Harry Osborne of SEC football, but Spiderman 3 didn’t suck nearly as bad as your offense against the Gators. Avenge me!

Back to formula?

You lost the game, so it’s time to be quiet. This isn’t the WWE where you lose your title shot and then talk your way into another match at Summerslam. This isn’t time to continue to call out Urban for discussing player illnesses. My guess is that the Gator loss will be a season peak for your team. It’s obvious that you spent the summer preparing for the Gators and only the Gators, and the loss to UCLA proved that. I’m sure your dad feels like Emperor Marcus Aurelius in the movie Gladiator embracing his pitifully-effeminate, power- hungry and genetically-watered-down son Commodus.

Losing to Florida vexes me. I'm terribly vexed.

Lane: You wrote to me once, listing the four chief coaching virtues: Wisdom, patience, fortitude and clock management. As I read the list, I knew I had none of them. But I have other virtues, father. Doucheyness. That can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Arrogance, courage, perhaps not on the gridiron calling plays, but... there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to my family and to you, and to the Volunteers until Pete Carroll goes to the NFL. But none of my virtues were on your list. Even then it was as if you didn't want me for your son.
Monte: Lane, your faults as a son is my failure as a father.
John Reaves stumbles in drunk, throwing up all over the newly upholstered antique sofa, and the scene ends.
If you don’t know who John Reaves is and what he’s been up to, read this:
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/sports/college/orl-sportsjohn-reaves-18091809sep18,0,7759869.story

John Reaves

Still this was a good test for the Gators. The expectations of this game were eerily similar to the Miami Game from last year. We were huge favorites to the point it was disrespectful and motivating for our opponents. What do you think Miami and Tennessee would do if they were 20 plus point dogs? Yet this game is a perfect example of Gator arrogance. Gator arrogance has been spreading in the Southeast since Spurrier’s arrival and is now more prominent than illiteracy in the state of Florida and is actually inching closer to the numbers of same family marriage in Georgia. This is an illness, like alcoholism. We can’t help it. Ask John Reaves. This is what you get, turncoat. If you think Urban was rough on guys who go against the program… In all honesty we’re all glad you’re sober but take off the Tennessee shirt.
The arrogance is so bad to the point that I predicted a 77 point win over Tennessee last week. I must have been lying to myself or as drunk as John Reaves at beat the clock. When I predict the Gator scores, I will usually exaggerate on purpose for humor’s sake, but there is a certain amount of truth behind every joke. The arrogance clouds our judgment and makes us hide those bad feelings and suppress them into our subconscious, much like a sorority girl would after leaving Pike. I had some bad feelings about Tennessee last week but I was scared to admit it. Who would I have been to say I’m expecting a close game? I’d be a blasphemer. How dare you predict a pedestrian performance against a traditionally strong SEC opponent?
It was a frustrating game to sit through based on our arrogance. When we’re not playing well, we’ll vent and find ways to hide our poor performance. This past week we were all commenting on how terrible the commentators were. I must have screamed at Verne Lundquist 10 times during our frustrating performance last week. For the record he was terrible.
Only for a few years at the start of this decade did we really start facing reality, but it didn’t last long. Zook got us thinking straight. Thinking like losers, but thinking straight nonetheless. I more accurately predicted Gator football games during Zook’s tenure than Spurrier’s or Meyer’s. For Zook it was quite easy. Just pick us to lose the games we were supposed to win but that can of worms is for another blog. Now that I’m speaking candidly, let me use this one opportunity to let down my guard and briefly set aside my Gator arrogance and throw out some thoughts that I think many of us Gators are afraid to say.

1. We didn’t look that good against Tennessee. Period. We know this is true when we go around saying things like, “A win is a win,” or “1 and 0 in the SEC and that’s all that matters.” This is why Urban called it a great win against a great opponent after the game and then started bringing up the flu issue. Typical politics. I hate Kiffin but I agree with him on calling Urban out on this. Urban, you don’t need to play politics when you’re team is ranked number 1. Just win all the games and you’re fine, but if you lose one it’s over.

2. Our offense hasn’t been as good as Spurrier’s from the 90’s. Sure we scored more points than any other Gator team last year but it still wasn’t the same. I still don’t have the confidence in a Meyer offense that I had with Spurrier. The 90s offense was so much more calculated and consistent and I feel Meyer over-relies on his playmakers to create match-up problems. We saw what happened against UT when we were devoid of playmakers. I’m not trying to bash Meyer; I feel he is an overall better head coach than Spurrier but the offense isn’t as consistent.

3. Meyer is probably gone after this year. Search your feelings; you know it to be true. Why would he stay? He’s bound to have a down year and who wants to rebuild after winning a national title? I might be dropping the Gator arrogance but I still know that Florida is the clear cut favorite to win the national title this year. When will Meyer ever get to coach a Tim Tebow again? The NFL is the only place and what would be left to accomplish after a 3rd national championship? For the record, if anyone other than Charlie Strong took over, it would be a travesty. Can you believe he said he felt he wasn’t offered any head coaching jobs because of the negative stigma of having a white wife? Insert your favorite jungle fever joke here, because I’m not touching this one.

4. We weren’t that much better than Oklahoma in the national title game. They could have won that game and now all of a sudden Oklahoma doesn’t look so good, so how does that reflect on us? It doesn’t reflect but the thought is still there. If you don’t think Oklahoma could have won that game, you’re completely delusional. Speaking of Oklahoma, I really need to come up with an Indian nickname for Sam Bradford. “Chief” something or other. If you think of one please email it to me at Voiceofthegators@gmail.com.

5. The run is about to be over. Look at Miami earlier this decade, FSU in the 90s, and all great dynasties. It’s going to come to an end. Right now our team looks held together by the best senior class in Gator history and when that’s gone, it’s time to face reality. The dynasty will be over, at least for a couple years. How far will we fall? When will be back? Hopefully soon.

Some of this is hard to admit but I want to leave this topic with one final thought. Our arrogance could change the system one day. The BCS will eventually wrong the Gators. We might one day be left out in the cold like Texas last year, Michigan 2 years prior, Auburn before them, and USC and even Oregon in 2001. When that time comes, the Gator Nation of cry babies will speak up and all hell will break loose. Fan bases like Michigan and Texas may be polite but not the Gators. If we had been left out last year, we would have whined and cried and begged and pleaded until something happened. I truly believe when that time comes, a playoff would finally be set in motion. It feels good to come clean; which of the 12 steps is this, John? Snapping out of it.

So I was wrong about picking BYU over FSU. For the record I definitely felt FSU was probably going to win. I never said FSU will win, the pick was simply a slap in the face. You were underdogs to BYU; win or lose that’s pathetic.

USC is done for this year. Their offense is terrible and if you don’t believe it, look at tape of Pete Carrol from the Ohio State game. He was melting down and getting into his offensive coordinator’s business the whole game. He’s losing confidence and micromanaging. If they don’t get it together (they won’t), they will not be playing in the BCS this year.

What’s the deal with Miami? Are they the 9th best team? Maybe, but a win over FSU and a rebuilding GT shouldn’t constitute such a meteoric two-week jump. As I’ve said multiple times, they are capable of going 4 and 0 but don’t think OU and Va Tech aren’t paying attention. I like the Sooners to give the “u” a dose of reality. For the record I will not refer to them with a capital “U.” The University of Florida is the U. Thanks for one of the best Gator quotes ever, Louis Murphy. By the way, future D1 football parents. A player from the “u” was murdered just a couple years ago so maybe you should think that through for just a second before you continue your trend of whatever it is you call parenting.

Louis Murphy, ambassador for the real "U"

Now on with the show. The Gators travel to Kentucky this weekend, playing in what is an underestimated and often exciting SEC East series. It’s not a rivalry. They’d have to beat us within a 20 year period to call it that but they have given us more than enough scares in the past fifteen years to warrant this blog. Some of the most exciting games have been against Kentucky. For the record Florida has won 22 in a row against the Wildcats. FSU, what does your winning streak look like against Kentucky?

I give you my top five Florida Kentucky games. I’m not 60 so these will obviously be from the Spurrier coaching era on. Forget last year’s dismantling of Kentucky, here are some special games that have had some great significance for our program.

5. 2007: Just two years ago the Gators went to war with a veteran Kentucky squad. This back and forth battle was just one week after the Wildcats shockingly disposed of LSU. Kentucky was riding high and asking, “Why not us?” I think deep down Kentucky couldn’t mentally overcome the Gators. It’s hard to forget about 20 years of losing to the same team. You had to think the Gators had a chip on their shoulders, being ranked behind Kentucky in a rare turn of events. How can you forget Tebow connecting deep to Harvin late in the fourth quarter instead of trying to run out the clock?

4. 2002: In a game that had more special teams mistakes than a Pop Warner football game the Gators pulled out a thrilling 41-34 win in Gainesville that had me losing my mind. I actually remember verbally harassing a Kentucky fan until he quit cheering late in the 3rd quarter. How dare he? The Wildcats pulled within 5 after a punt return touchdown from Derrick Abney; however Keiwan Ratliff picked off a 2 point conversion pass from that fatso Jared Lorenzen returning it for two points to give the Gators a 7 point win.

Someone definitely ate his lil smokies for breakfast on gameday.

3. The year was 2003 and we didn’t realize that Chris Leak was a coward yet. He didn’t win the game all by himself, but he did prove that he was capable of leading a head-coach’s-job-saving fourth quarter comeback on the road. It’s hard to think Ron Zook would have had much job security if his Gators went 2-3 after the fifth game of his second season. Chris Leak rose to the occasion with as much poise as a freshman could have on the road, giving us 19 more games of Zook.

2. 1991: The Gators defeated Kentucky 35 to 26 to go undefeated in the SEC and lock up their first legitimate SEC championship. This was also the final SEC championship awarded without an SEC championship game, so there is some historical significance to this game. I also believe John Reaves coached this game sober, which was a first.

1. 1993: Need I explain? Some would say that the modern era of Gator football began that night. The legend of Danny Wuerffel certainly began as he connected with Chris Doering for a 28 yard td with 3 seconds left to overcome a miserable 59 minute and 57 second outing against the Cats. How did the Gators overcome a 7 interception performance to win on the road? Read the book of Revelations and maybe you’ll figure it out.
That brings us to the present day. Will UK give us a war? Or will we drop 70 en route to our 23rd straight win?

Game Expectations
I do expect the Gators to win big, but will it be to the extent of last year?

Obvious things to watch for this weekend…
How will the flu affect our guys? The one who concerns me is AJ Jones. We can’t afford to lose any starters to the flu and with Brandon Spikes battling his tendonitis, I don’t want to see any of our other linebackers operating below 100%.
Also will special teams deliver the same sort of pressure as last year? It seemed like any time Kentucky put a foot on the ball, a Gator was right there to block it.
Our running backs should run wild. Their personnel on defense are similar to Arkansas so expect a breakout performance for Rainey and Demps resembling last year’s game against the Razorbacks.
Finally will we be able to pass down field? I think yes and if we are not able to throw the ball 20 yards down field, I’d be truly concerned about our offensive ability.

Some not so obvious things to watch for…
I’m interested to see how the Gators defense holds Kentucky on 3rd down. We are not playing like a dominant defense yet and getting teams off the field fast is what we need to be doing to get the offense more snaps.
Game Prediction: Florida 49 Kentucky 9

Random Thoughts of the Week
I think Lane Kiffin really wishes he was Johnny from the Cobra Kai, but we all really know that he’s Tommy at best.

Tommy and then Johnny on the far right

The College Football Hall of Fame is moving to Atlanta. Somehow I don’t think white people will be doing the same.

Must Watch Web
Saturday Night Live is returning this week with Megan Fox. You probably hate SNL but they’ve got some really funny cast members.
Bitch Please!
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/update-celebrity-blogger/1085169/
For the record I do have a man crush on Bill Hader. Enjoy.
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/dateline/1061641/
Scared Straight
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/scared-straight/1061547/
Karate Kid reference plus Silence of the Lambs reference equals solid gold.
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/bad-guys-good-conversation/999064/

Fact of the Week
Our average margin of victory over Kentucky during this win streak is 20.14 points per game.

Weekend Football Forecast
Slap in the face pick of the week: USF over FSU. Guess what, FSU, I’m not done with you just yet. I’m still not buying it. You beat BYU, congratulations but now it’s personal. I’m picking USF over you. Is this a definitive statement that I think they’ll win? No, but I’m willing to sacrifice one of my picks to potentially embarrass you. Think of it, losing to USF. An incredibly proud Japanese man might resort to taking off his pinky with a small samurai sword for something so humiliating. I’m really hoping to jinx you on this because if you lose to USF, it’s over. All of the credibility will be gone, well what was left of it. You know you’re almost out of it when you score an upset win over BYU. This week you’ll probably win as they’re breaking in a new quarterback but I can tell you this, they’re better than Jax State or whoever you almost choked against 2 weeks ago. If you lose to USF I will mention it in every single blog I write for the rest of my life. I promise you that. 10 years from now I might be blogging about the anniversary of the Chris Benoit murder-suicide and I’ll sneak the USF reference in. Good luck though, you’re guaranteed to win.

Last week’s record: 7-3 including the Gator Game

Picks: SC over Ole Miss, Miss St. over LSU, Alabama over Arkansas (intriguing game), Virginia Tech over Miami (close), TCU over Clemson, Penn State over Iowa, Texas Tech over Houston, Georgia over Arizona State

Season Record: 19-11

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: VT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State
I’m going to keep USC as my Pac 10 champ until the Cal game.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when another FSU player gets a Heisman-ruining bargain at a Tallahassee area Dillards. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

Looking ahead to Kentucky and Why Riley Cooper will Ruin my Marriage

2009-09-17T18:47:00.001-07:00

First off, about the Bloodsport blog last week, I have to get something off my chest.

To the fans and readers in Gator Nation, I’m Sorry.
I’m extremely sorry, I was
hoping for a consistent season
of entertaining blogs. That was my goal, something
The Voice of the Gators has never done here.
I promise you one thing, a lot
of good will come out of this blog.
You will never see any blogger in
the entire country blog as hard
as I will blog the rest of the
season. You will never see
someone entertain the rest of the
readers as well as I will entertain
everybody the rest of the season.
You will never see a blogger
write better than I will
the rest of the season.

May God have mercy on my soul.

-The Voice of the Gators
September 17, 2009

So obviously since the tragic passing of Patrick Swayze, it's time to compare the Gators to his magnum opus, and overall classic movie, Roadhouse! Something tells me to wait on that one.

On to the Gators. Last week, Troy was a perfect match up. The Gators were tested early, got their act together, and then easily dismantled a team that would have beaten FSU. I truly think this was the best way for us to prepare for the SEC opener. Many of our players shined, one of which played so well he garnered my wife’s attention. My wife is a Gator fan as well. She knows all the Gator players and coaches: Tebow, Meyer, and, well that’s it. It’s totally cool that she’s not rabid like me. I have to write that. However, I knew I was in trouble during the game when the camera spotted Riley Cooper on the sideline without a helmet and she said, “Oh, who’s he?” Damn it!

My wife and I love to joke about our get out of jail free lists. These are the people we would allow each other be with no questions asked or no problems. It’s fun because it will probably never happen. Fun for her. She’s got Depp, Pitt, Bale, Paul Rudd, and many other handsome men with one-syllable last names. Like I’m going to truly divulge a list of this nature to my wife. This is called a trap, so I’m resigned to making a joke of my picks, so I can save face.

The only woman currently on my list is the lady from the Appliance Direct commercials. This is a big gamble on my part however if that time comes, strap up your knee brace, lady, because you’ll be getting same day delivery, in the box.

So now I have to live with Riley Cooper being on my wife’s list. Like this guy can’t catch any more breaks. He’s got a pro baseball contract and he’ll probably get a pro football contract too. Then comes the male modeling. I mean look at your picture, Riley. It looks like you just got done with a photo shoot on the beach and decided to throw on Spurrier’s old jersey and give football a shot because you woke up that morning thinking, “Hey, why not, I’m Riley Cooper and I’m great at

everything.” And you’re classy too and that’s the kicker. I look like a jerk talking bad about you. You’ll probably take that modeling career around the world and do nothing but premier shoots; I don’t see any Playgirl spreads in your future. That’s for former FSU players. And what’s with that gold chain just under your pads? How do you look so cool wearing it? Your hair is perfect and the cameras move in slow motion any time you take off your helmet or spray water into, on, or around your mouth.

You’re like the Zac Efron of Gator football. While he’s singing, dancing, and slaying tail all over the Disney Channel, you’re catching passes, hitting homers, and making the rounds on sorority row more impressively than Sexy Rexy and Jesse Palmer ever did. And you’re Riley Cooper, so you’ll probably avoid the VD. You’ve got everything, but now this? You’re a terrific baseball player but your on base percentage does not need to improve with my wife. It makes me sick because you’re turning in an awesome season so far and every time you make a catch from now on, I can only think of myself as William H. Macy’s character from Boogie Nights.Riley, this is my wife we're talking about here.

Moving on to other games that happened. Do I really need to call you out, FSU? It’s all about to spiral out of control and there’s nothing you can do about it.
USC and Ohio State proved nothing. I assure you that neither of these teams are that good. Both are on the equivalent of a Virginia Tech this year and it’s a joke that USC is ahead of Bama.
One more thing of note came to my attention this weekend. I already knew that former Kentucky basketball coach Billy Gillispie was a drunk driving piece of trash, but apparently he was taking advantage of co-eds at on campus parties and in his office. This guy was living the dream. Lets hope he was using protection, but in all likelihood he was probably taking care of business Pitino Style.

On to our opponent. I’m not really looking past Tennessee and obviously I’m going to write about this game, but not much. I personally think this is beating a dead horse and there isn’t really a fresh angle on it. Kiffin’s a douche, we get it and if you’ve seen his show, you’ll get to see that personality sparkling. My thoughts when Kiffin started shooting his mouth off were basic. How dumb is he? As a fan, Tennessee was officially off of my radar. I considered it a guaranteed win and I’m guessing most of our players did as well. That would have been a perfect scenario for Tennessee, a trap game for the Gators if you will. However Kiffin did his team in before the season ever started.

Game Expectations
There are no surprises here. Expect Florida to do everything in their power to win big.
Obvious things to watch for this weekend…
Trying to win big could end up being a problem. However I think our coaching staff is immune to this problem. If Zook was coaching, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Gators attempted big plays on early downs and had to punt on a few of the early possessions just like last week. Expect the Gators to take what is given and do what is necessary to score early and often. The fireworks will happen late in the 2nd quarter and then the floodgates will open.
Some not so obvious things to watch for…
I’m going to watch for Eric Berry. I personally don’t buy the hype but I have not seen much of him. Also if Demps is able to bust big gains against the Vols, he’ll be doing it all season long.
Game Prediction: Florida 77, Tennessee 0

Random Thoughts of the Week
I’m pretty sure it’s wrong for a guy to purposely get an eating disorder just so he can say, “Hey check out these Holocaust abs!”
Must Watch Web
If you haven’t seen The Interupter on Conan’s Tonight Show, check this out. You’ll definitely be doing imitations soon after.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/93818/the-tonight-show-with-conan-obrien-the-return-of-the-interrupter

Fact of the Week
Lane Kiffin is 6 and 16 in his 22 football games as a head coach.

Weekend Football Forecast
First off, I’m no longer predicting an upset game of the week. I will be predicting a “slap-in-the-face” game of the week. I’ve already had two and I’m 0 and 2 but winning these picks is not the point. These picks are an insult, like throwing your shoes at the president. Western Kentucky over Tennessee, slapped. Vandy over LSU, slapped.
This week’s slap in the face pick is BYU over FSU. Slap in the face, you say? How could this be? BYU will most definitely beat FSU. Yep, and there within lies the slap in the face. FSU, you’ve fallen so far that you won’t be favored over BYU. Pick slap! Ooh! Liken this honor to a man being slapped by another man or to a father walking in on his BYU co-ed daughter with FSU grad Deon Sanders. In either scenario, you will have a hard time making eye contact with anyone again for the rest of his life. This is you, FSU. Slapped.

Last week’s record: 6-4 including the Gators Game

Picks: Miami over GT (reluctantly), Washington over USC, Notre Dame over MSU, Arkansas over UGA, Texas over Texas Tech, Nebraska over Va Tech, Auburn over West Virginia, Cincinnati over Oregon State

Authors note: this week’s picks are right on the line and I could easily go 1-9. It’s like Russian roulette without having to go to your drug addicted uncle’s funeral.
Season Record: 12-8

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: VT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas*
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State
*Changed prediction since last week. I bit the bullet and picked the Horns. However, I still think we would have annihilated them in the BCS title game last year. Saying Texas was better than OU based on one game is saying Ole Miss was better than us. I’m bothered.

Heisman Dominos
This is a segment where I will predict the Heisman Trophy winner. Consider every single player in college football to be a domino. Each week dominos will fall until we have a winner.
Who is left? It’s kind of hard to do this segment because it was mainly based on the first week joke of eliminating all of the people who deservedly had no chance in hell. I can honestly skip the formalities and we can get right down to it and narrow them down to two. Tebow and McCoy. If they have decent stats, stay healthy and undefeated it’s a 2 horse race, period. If BYU stays undefeated expect Max Hall at the ceremony to make things a bit pastier but he won’t really contend. Ask Mitt Romney.

By the way, if the Mormons had the equivalent to Middle Eastern hate websites, I’d be moving my way up those polls quickly.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I’d like to have a fan mail segment to replace Heisman Dominos.

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when another FSU quarterback has a bad drug experience and proclaims he is divine. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

This can’t be good…Troy’s chances of winning and mine of Eternal Damnation

2009-09-10T20:43:00.001-07:00

Tim Tebow Looks to make the SEC say “matte” this season.

Obviously I’m going to cover the Troy game but be patient. I had to sift through several ideas to write this week’s blog. I do indeed have my list of topics that I will cover this year but all good things come to those who wait.
After scanning through the channels this week while attempting to brainstorm blog ideas, I came upon Bloodsport. Bloodsport you say? That name sound scary. What’s it about? Well, let me tell you. It’s about Gator Football. SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t seen Bloodsport, you still may have a shot at going to heaven. Obviously this is extremely important in analyzing the season, however; I’ll spare you the 30 page film essay avoiding the mandatory shot-by-shot breakdown of the blindfold scene and give you the bare-bones version of why Bloodsport is about Gator Football.
First off, the character parallels are uncanny. Obviously Tim Tebow is Frank Dux (Van Damme) in this comparison and Coach Meyer is obviously his Shidoshi. Chon Li, the arch nemesis could be a number of potential foes the Gators may face but I’m going with Southern Cal. Chon Li looks so tough with his bouncing, roided-up pecs but then he fights someone trained to perform the Dim Mak (aka an SEC team).

What the hell's a dim mak?

Even if you cheat by throwing some sort of blinding power in Tebow’s face, we’ll still win. In USC’s case that metaphorical blinding powder is their questionable recruiting tactics and their probable low ratio of football players who actually took their own SAT. Party’s over Pete Carrol; Frank Dux just broke your world record!

On assignment in Hong Kong’s underground and Donald Gibb, as Ray Jackson

Erin Andrews is obviously the blonde reporter who falls in love with Dux, and Ray Jackson, played by Donald Gibb of Revenge of the Nerds fame is the guy operating the keyhole camera. “Hey Frankie!”
Yep, this is still going. Clearly Nat Moore would be the agent played by Forrest Whitaker for reasons associated with his blackness and lazy eye, and Mic Hubert could be his white sidekick. I think I’ll stop now, but if you haven’t seen Bloodsport, I’d appreciate it if you never read this blog again. Bloodsport IV can currently be ordered on PPV; I haven’t seen it but I’m guessing they’ve gone the soft-core sequel route.

What’s left to Ponder? FSU still sucks.

Hey, FSU, guess what. Nope, you’re not getting your wins back. Guess again. Yep! Your season is over. The rest of your games don’t matter. You could win the rest of your ACC games but we all know that an ACC championship is worthless as you proved in 2005 when your 5 loss team was good enough to run away with that conference. Just like every year, the announcers try to validate both teams because it’s always a close game but guess what, FSU. You lost at home to a mediocre team. What does that make you? There is a reason Mickey Andrews decided he was going to retire at the end of this season. I’m going out on a limb and crossing my fingers on this prediction. I think you are one game into a losing season. Just like I said Miami could now roll to 4 and 0 based on momentum and Bradford’s injury. If BYU makes the Noles 1 and 2, you can bank it. But look on the bright side; at least you have an offensive genius in waiting to take over for Bobby. How many of those final 5 plays did Jimbo draw up anyway?

Way to make a profound political statement, TP.

Congratulations to Ohio State. You now you officially have a quarterback that scares white America. Terrelle Pryor, are you kidding me? You put Michael Vick’s name on your eye black? Tebow puts scripture numbers, and you put Vick’s name? Are you going to start hanging out with Pacman Jones? That’s like an LSU player putting “David” on one eye and “Duke” on the other. It would be like a Gator player putting “Ron” and “Zook” under his eyes. Everybody could use a second chance but what’s next? We’ll probably have Pop Warner kids wearing “Chris” and “Brown” or “Orenthal” and “James” under their eyes.

Game Expectations
Well this week will look similar to last week’s but expect our players to be a bit more motivated. Troy should have some legitimate athletes on the field and they should keep our players honest. Expect a similar outcome based on our increased effort and discipline.
Obvious things to watch for this weekend…
Will our receivers catch the easy ones? 2 touchdowns were dropped last week and that can’t happen if we’re in the middle of a true test. Let’s hope these were a product of opening-game jitters or point shaving.
Will Tebow have to run at any point against Troy? I’d be concerned if they’re getting serious pressure on him and I’d be very surprised if there are any designed quarterback keepers before the Vols come to town for their fifth failed attempt in a row.

Some not so obvious things to watch for…
I’m banking on several interceptions by our defense this week. Troy didn’t run on Bowling Green last week, so I’m guessing they’ll do the same against the Gators; and when we know they’re throwing, our defensive backs will be catching.
This will hopefully be the first of two Trojan teams the Gators beat this year.
Game Prediction: UF 59 Troy 0

Random Thoughts of the Week
I was thinking this week about what happened to Tyrone Prothro against the Gators in 2005. It was tragic and gruesome. However similar injuries have happened to even greater and more beloved athletes. Follow the link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFfx4f3aimQ

Must Watch Web
Based on the obvious success of the video you just watched above, I’m going to post awesome web videos up here when they come in.
Robert is Bothered: Jimmy Fallon’s show is no good but he’s still great at sketch comedy. I’d watch all of them.
http://www.robertisbothered.com/
Scoreboardicus!
The Pat Dooley Show: This ended up being way better than I expected. Drew Copeland of Sister Hazel is definitely a well-educated Gator fan as his interview will show. Drew Copeland tries to schedule shows around Gator games (see first blog about planning your social calendar around football games). Dooley’s also got some cool segments that a true Gator fan would really enjoy.
http://www.gatorsports.com/article/20090910/ARTICLES/909109975/1136?Title=Watch-the-Pat-Dooley-Show-only-on-GatorSports-com

Fact of the Week
Escort Service: After Florida dismantles Florida International later this season, the Gators will have played and defeated every current member of the Sun Belt Conference except North Texas since 1993. What’s the matter North Texas? You’d still be able to look your mom in the eyes after getting pimped out to the Gators. North Texas’s only game played against the Gators was a win in 1947.

Weekend Football Forecast
GT over Clemson, Stanford over Wake, Michigan over ND, Tenn over UCLA, UGA over SC, USC over OSU, Vandy over LSU*, Oregon over Purdue, and UF over Troy
*upset of the week
Last week’s record: 6-4 including the Gator game

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: VT
Big East: Cincinnati*
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Oklahoma State*
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State*
*Changed prediction since last week

Heisman Dominos
This is a segment where I will predict the Heisman Trophy winner. Consider every single player in college football to be a domino. Each week dominos will fall until we have a winner.
Sam Bradford, you are the first one eliminated. Just like your Big 12 title, your Heisman trophy didn’t really belong to you anyway.
Terrelle Pryor, grab a seat and read above if you’re not sure why you’re eliminated.
Every player in the Big East, ACC, and Big 12 except for Colt McCoy and Dez Bryant, you are eliminated. Quit asking questions and please don’t make this about respect because I have none for you.
Every single defensive player in the country except Eric Berry and Brandon Spikes, you are eliminated. These are the only two defensive players with any real national hype but my guess is that they will be eliminated soon enough.
Offensive linemen, do we really need to get into this? Oh, you get it? Oh okay great then, take a seat next to the white wide receivers because they’re eliminated too.
I’m hearing some confusion in the back from the non BCS school players. There shouldn’t be any confusion about whether you were eliminated or not. You were never invited to sit at this table.

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when another FSU player steals a cashier’s check and then bets on his own game. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

CSU Recap

2009-09-07T19:25:00.001-07:00

Where to begin? First off, I really didn’t like the play by play crew for Saturday’s game. I disliked like them so much that I was banking on watching “Breakfast with the Gators” Sunday morning to get a better and more biased outlook on my team. It was the same broadcast. I flipped. Where were David Steele and Nat Moore? Had this been a well- funded blog I would have instantly had my researchers calling around and getting to the bottom of this travesty. However, no funding was necessary and Sun Sports had this listed on their website. “David Steele, Nat Moore and Steve Babik will be back starting next week with the Troy game calling Sun Sports,' "Breakfast with the Gators," Sunday morning Gator game replays.” Whew.

What we learned from Charleston Southern
Demps is definitely faster than he was a year ago. He absolutely has worked on his first step and to give this situation a cliché, he really looks like he’s being shot out of cannon when he gets the ball. The difference between Demps and Percy is field vision, and we’ll only see how much Demps has improved when Tennessee comes to town. This is the only real thing I can really throw out there because the level of our competition was so low. We can’t jump to any conclusions about our defense, offensive-line play, or special teams. One thing I will say is that it was disappointing to see Brandon James and Deonte Thompson drop perfectly-thrown-touchdown passes. That kid Tim Tebow was wheeling around before the game could have one-handed either of those passes.
Another area of concern was our two suspended players, Janoris Jenkins and Dustin Doe. I am officially sick of having thug football players. Danny Wuerffel should move his Desire Street Ministry to Gainesville to take in some of UF’s thugs. I really thought it was all going to end with Jamar Hornsby’s actions but these kids won’t learn. Suspending guys for a D2 opener isn’t exactly sending a message. If you get arrested, chances are you were doing something stupid and you should be suspended for the year whether you are found guilty or not. When the newspaper runs a feature on the lawyer getting all the thugs in your program out of jail, it’s time to change the culture. But while we are coddling these kids for the sake of crystal footballs, they should make an exception for Torrey Davis and get him back on the field ASAP.
But I digress, back to the game. Aaron Hernandez is the best athlete on the field. I’m not basing this on his well-earned touchdown this weekend but on every down he plays on offense. The guy will do whatever we need him to. Leap ten feet in the air and one-hand a ball in the corner of the end zone? Check. Pull a spin move in the middle of a pile to get 5 extra yards? Check. He can make guys miss, block with the best of them, and catch just about anything thrown his way. Here’s hoping he stays for a fourth year.
Who will be the guy after Brantley? Cam Newton never really looked like he was ready to be a QB and his playing chances went out the window with that stolen laptop. Where did he end up anyway? The next guy down on the depth chart is Jordan Reed, standing at 6’3 and about 20 pounds lighter than Tebow. I wonder what sort of player he is going to develop into…
Weekend Aftermath
First off, I was only halfway joking in picking Western Kentucky to beat Tennessee. UCLA will hopefully be a better indicator for the Vols, but either way they still have to show up in Gainesville in two weeks and take it like a man. Also a little credit is deserved for Oklahoma State. It looks like you soundly beat UGA. Either you are that good or UGA wasn’t ready for a real test that early in the year.
UCF vs. Samford turned out to be one for the ages. UCF football is a joke and so is their stadium. About 5 years ago a UCF fan was trying to talk football with me. Needless to say I was acting like hot girl talking to a not so good looking guy. I’d reply with one word answers as my eyes were wondering around the room, desperately trying to find a way out of the conversation. I can’t believe I’m even mentioning UCF football in this blog.
Again I digress, moving on. Oklahoma took it on the chin and Sam Bradford looks and probably feels like Oklahoma just swindled him out of his land. Tough break, Sam. Enjoy being the 2nd quarterback taken in the NFL draft after Tim Tebow.
Kudos to Bradford’s backup. Not for his play, because he obviously sucks, but for that mustache. Had he brought OU back for the win, that mustache would have been swimming in “it,” and every male OU student would have given it their best shot at growing one. However, that did not happen. Landry Jones’ mustache will not become that of legend; it becomes what most creepy mustaches become, something to laugh at on To Catch a Predator.
This game certainly changes FSU’s and Miami’s seasons. FSU vs. BYU all of a sudden has become “The Game of the Century.” It will be talked about by future generations of Mormons and delusional FSU fans who can’t get a grip on reality. I’m a bit disappointed to be honest. What was a lose-lose game for FSU is now a win-win. If they beat BYU they look like a tough team but if they lose, people will think BYU is actually decent and FSU gave it a good shot. With Bradford gone, Miami now gets a realistic chance of beating Oklahoma. If Miami wins tonight against FSU, they might get a little momentum going and could actually end up 4 and 0.
Notre Dame beat Nevada! Stop the press! They’re back! Jimmy Clausen threw for five touchdowns! He’s Heisman material! Can you smell the BCS yet?!?!? I’m sure you can smell the sarcasm. I’d love to get a crack at Notre Dame in the BCS championship game. I’m not sure The Irish would ever want Urban Meyer back after that game. If they do beat USC then we’ll talk.
Speaking of those cheaters, they’ll probably jump USC to number one after they beat a joke of a Buckeye team. How ridiculous was that last year when USC beat OSU? The Gators dismantled the best Buckeye team ever and proved that Ohio State is the equivalent of a middle-of-the-road SEC team, a contending Big East team, or the ACC champs, but how can you still crown a team for beating Ohio State? That is my problem with the 2007 BCS championship. The voters realized Ohio State had to be in that game, which was fine by me, but then they basically voted on the national champion before the game even started. LSU somehow jumped from 7 to 2 in a week’s time by sneaking by a Tennessee team that had 59 hung on them in the Swamp. How can you pick the 7th team? The following teams would have annihilated that Buckeye team: Florida, USC, Georgia, Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma, West Virginia, and I bet even FSU could have snuck in a win or at least a close game. We had an undefeated Hawaii team that was probably as good as Ohio State. I’ve forgotten where I was going with this but I want to throw up.
Speaking of vomit, Riley Cooper got his Donovan McNabb moment Saturday. “Hey, Riley! Nice Catch!” “Thanks, Coach, I really had to...BLAAAAAAH.”
In all seriousness, great game, Riley. Awesome blocking and thanks for being the only guy on the field with sure hands. I’m pretty sure that’s all I have for recap but make sure to check in Thursday night for a look at Troy, and everything else I hate about anything that is not SEC football.

Until next time,

The Voice of the Gators

Charleston Southern and my Love of Cupcakes

2009-09-04T13:13:00.000-07:00

It’s time to get ready for Charleston Southern. You might be embarrassed by having such a team on your schedule, but not me. I’ve heard it time and time again about Florida scheduling cupcakes for the first two games. The snob in me is proud that we can sell out any home game including one against a D2 school. We could schedule spoken word poetry, call it the home opener, and it would sell out. We sell out every home game no matter what, so why would we schedule a home and home series with any of our 3 open schedule slots? Florida State does that. They should have fun out in Utah this year; I’m sure they’ll pull some really good west coast recruits on that road trip. The only time FSU will see any of those guys in Tallahassee is when they’re riding through on their ten speeds spreading the word. The upside of the BYU trip for FSU is that the probability of any of their players getting someone pregnant is significantly lower than a game in Tallahassee or anywhere else. Forget a road trip, bring on the cupcakes.

About the term cupcake, it’s not the best way to describe these teams. Let’s get right down to it; they should be called “escorts.” They get paid to lie down. The big wigs at these universities bring these teams to town, sometimes have them stay overnight, but usually send them on their way with bus fare ASAP. These teams assume the role of being a sure thing or any other role our team needs them to play that night. Our team then pummels and humiliates them in a sweaty mess that all of our fans can be proud of. The home football team finishes their business, usually in an exaggerated display, and the “escort” gets paid their money as they are shown the door. These teams are not “cupcakes,” they’re “escorts” and the Gators are dropping nearly half a million on a one-night stand this weekend.
Let’s hope we’ve done our research. We’ve seen what these escorts can do. Ask Michigan. The Wolverines thought they ordered the girlfriend experience when they brought Appalachian State into town two years ago. Dinner, a movie, and a 40 point win. Oh no. Appy State ended up being a biter, with meth teeth.

Game Expectations
Everything I’ve been reading and watching points to one fact. Yes a fact. The Gators are going to win. We are already 1 and 0. I’m not trying to jinx this thing but when the players talk about being excited to play this game so they can “work on some things,” or they’re glad because “it’s good to get the young guys experience” they’re not worried about the outcome. It’s a “tune up” game. We’re favored by 63 points and we could score 100 if we really wanted to. The coaches can’t even keep a straight face when they say they’re not looking past Charleston Southern. If any football coach ever reads this posting, please, please, please, please blatantly tell the media that you are looking past a team. Roll the dice on this one. Lane Kiffin will probably be this guy.

Obvious things to watch for this weekend…
Expect several huge runs by Rainey, Demps, and whoever else gets a few carries. Our type of speed flourishes against undermanned and out-coached defenses. If teams don’t have the meat up front to stop Rainey or Demps at the line, they’re gone (See Mon Williams versus Western Carolina in 2006).
Of course Tebow will look great but I’m expecting better than average passing numbers out of him this year. He’s lost his two go-to guys, but he was facing the same scenario last season with Caldwell and Ingram gone. He’s a fourth year player and a man amongst boys; expect Tebow to do whatever he wants against whoever he wants.

Some not so obvious things to watch for…
I’m excited to see our redshirt freshmen receivers: Hammond, Hines, and Lawrence. Something about these guys has me excited. Maybe it’s that there are 3 of them and we’ve had some awesome trios in our recent history. I get a feeling that in 2010 these guys should make John Brantley look like he should have been starting the whole time (If the Pouncey twins don’t get the NFL bug in their ear). Also I love that they all were redshirted. I’m sick of throwing guys into the fire because coaches buy into their hype. Sorry, Andre Caldwell, but you’re a prime example of a guy who needed a year to learn the system and develop before seeing time. For the record I think Caldwell developed into a really good player. Also for the record, I would love to have a staring contest with his older brother, Reche.
What will a Steve Addazio coached offense look like? I doubt it will slow down but how will his style and mind change things? Will he show defenses mercy? Here’s hoping he’s the John Kreese of coaching.

Game Prediction: UF 86 Charleston Southern 0

Random Thoughts of the Week
I don’t respect LSU’s 2007 BCS Championship.
I wonder what happened to the guy who tried to steal Jabar Gaffney’s scooter.
I wouldn’t want to be the pleats on Charlie Weiss’s pants.

Fact of the Week
The Gator football team has not lost to a religiously affiliated school since the 1992 Sugar Bowl where the Gators fell to Notre Dame.

Weekend Football Forecast
South Carolina over NC State, Boise State over Oregon, Western Kentucky over Tennessee, Georgia over Oklahoma State (was Stafford ever really a game changer for UGA anyway?), Illinois over Missouri, Oklahoma over BYU, Alabama over Virginia Tech, LSU over Washington, and Miami over FSU in their only win of their first four games.

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: VT
Big East: Pitt
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Oklahoma
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame

Heisman Dominos
This is a segment where I will predict the Heisman Trophy winner. Consider every single player in college football to be a domino. Each week dominos will fall until we have a winner.

A look ahead this season
Why the Big 12 is garbage, Classic alcohol related Mr. 2 Bits stories, Why LSU is done, Why losing to USF is my recurring nightmare, Why I don’t think Tim Tebow would be any fun to hang around with, Why the Mountain West and WAC should join forces and form WAM, How the Gators are the key to changing the BCS, When will Ric Flair return to the Gator sidelines, and any other stories I see fit.

Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

Being a Gator

2009-09-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

This being my first posting on Voice of the Gators, I find it appropriate to tell you what being a Gator means to me.

Being a Gator is yelling at an alumni for sitting during the game. Being a Gator is going to Growl every year. Being a Gator is losing your cool when you read about the top 20 traditions in college football and you don’t see Mr. 2 Bits, We are the Boys, Gator Growl, and the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. Being a Gator means wondering when the orange jerseys will come back. Being a Gator means getting nervous before Florida State games even though you know we’re definitely going to win. Being a Gator means having a sweaty back at the home opener, and then the 2nd home game, the 3rd and all the way through the end of the season. Being a Gator means being the guy who jingles his car keys after we go up 7-0 as a joke and then prays to God I didn’t just jinx the team. Being a Gator means thinking my Gator Grandfather up in heaven has a little something to do with our four recent national titles. Being a Gator means you’d love to have Ron Zook come back to Gainesville, as the mascot. It means yelling at students who won’t sit down in front of you after you realize that standing at a game is indeed a young man’s game. Being a Gator means thinking some people should have to take a fan IQ test before they are allowed to enter Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. Being a Gator means finding it hard to forgive Darrell Jackson for muffing a punt he shouldn’t have even touched against Bama in 99. It means being physically intimidated in the presence of Urban Meyer. Being a Gator means getting the chills during Tim Tebow’s promise speech. Being a Gator is getting excited at church when you think Ray Graves is two aisles over, looking over nervously throughout the service only to be extremely disappointed when it turns out to be just some guy. Being a Gator means you’re envious of everyone who was enrolled during the 96, 2006, and 2008 seasons. Being a Gator fan is not pressing charges if you get attacked by a football player outside of Swamp. Being a Gator means loving the bad seasons just the same. Being a Gator fan means thinking Plaxico Burress finally got what was coming to him for pushing off in the Citrus Bowl. Being a Gator fan is doing your best ole ball coach impression. Being a Gator means having a nightmare about losing to Mississippi State the night before it happens (Zook’s last year, not this year fingers crossed). Being a Gator is hoping Tim Tebow loses his virginity to your daughter. Being a Gator is pointing out that one fan still wearing orange and blue zubaz. Being a Gator is secretly wanting to have that exact same pair of zubaz. Being a Gator is planning your fall social calendar around the Gator football schedule. That means you don’t go to weddings during Gator games, and yes this includes the home openers. Being a Gator is hoping those who have their weddings during Gator games get divorced. Being a Gator fan means you hope Charlie Strong never leaves Gainesville. Being a Gator fan means liking James Bates better than Jeff Cardozo. Being a Gator means not always remembering how to spell “Wuerffel.” Being a Gator means loving Nat Moore’s color commentary despite the occasional slipup (Percy Harvins). Being a Gator means you think Tim Tebow would be the best fighter in the UFC without any training. Being a Gator means you love the fact that Peyton Manning came back for his senior year to lose to Doug Johnson. Being a Gator means you were excited to watch the Batchelor every week with Jesse Palmer. Being a Gator means knowing we really have a 6 game winning streak against FSU starting in 2003. Being a Gator means I now have to stop, because graduating from the University of Florida allowed me to get a real job, which I now have to get back to. Go Gators!

Until next time,

The Voice of the Gators