Looking ahead to Kentucky and Why Riley Cooper will Ruin my Marriage

First off, about the Bloodsport blog last week, I have to get something off my chest.

To the fans and readers in Gator Nation, I’m Sorry.
I’m extremely sorry, I was
hoping for a consistent season
of entertaining blogs. That was my goal, something
The Voice of the Gators has never done here.
I promise you one thing, a lot
of good will come out of this blog.
You will never see any blogger in
the entire country blog as hard
as I will blog the rest of the
season. You will never see
someone entertain the rest of the
readers as well as I will entertain
everybody the rest of the season.
You will never see a blogger
write better than I will
the rest of the season.

May God have mercy on my soul.

-The Voice of the Gators
September 17, 2009

So obviously since the tragic passing of Patrick Swayze, it's time to compare the Gators to his magnum opus, and overall classic movie, Roadhouse! Something tells me to wait on that one.

On to the Gators. Last week, Troy was a perfect match up. The Gators were tested early, got their act together, and then easily dismantled a team that would have beaten FSU. I truly think this was the best way for us to prepare for the SEC opener. Many of our players shined, one of which played so well he garnered my wife’s attention. My wife is a Gator fan as well. She knows all the Gator players and coaches: Tebow, Meyer, and, well that’s it. It’s totally cool that she’s not rabid like me. I have to write that. However, I knew I was in trouble during the game when the camera spotted Riley Cooper on the sideline without a helmet and she said, “Oh, who’s he?” Damn it!

My wife and I love to joke about our get out of jail free lists. These are the people we would allow each other be with no questions asked or no problems. It’s fun because it will probably never happen. Fun for her. She’s got Depp, Pitt, Bale, Paul Rudd, and many other handsome men with one-syllable last names. Like I’m going to truly divulge a list of this nature to my wife. This is called a trap, so I’m resigned to making a joke of my picks, so I can save face.

The only woman currently on my list is the lady from the Appliance Direct commercials. This is a big gamble on my part however if that time comes, strap up your knee brace, lady, because you’ll be getting same day delivery, in the box.

So now I have to live with Riley Cooper being on my wife’s list. Like this guy can’t catch any more breaks. He’s got a pro baseball contract and he’ll probably get a pro football contract too. Then comes the male modeling. I mean look at your picture, Riley. It looks like you just got done with a photo shoot on the beach and decided to throw on Spurrier’s old jersey and give football a shot because you woke up that morning thinking, “Hey, why not, I’m Riley Cooper and I’m great at

everything.” And you’re classy too and that’s the kicker. I look like a jerk talking bad about you. You’ll probably take that modeling career around the world and do nothing but premier shoots; I don’t see any Playgirl spreads in your future. That’s for former FSU players. And what’s with that gold chain just under your pads? How do you look so cool wearing it? Your hair is perfect and the cameras move in slow motion any time you take off your helmet or spray water into, on, or around your mouth.

You’re like the Zac Efron of Gator football. While he’s singing, dancing, and slaying tail all over the Disney Channel, you’re catching passes, hitting homers, and making the rounds on sorority row more impressively than Sexy Rexy and Jesse Palmer ever did. And you’re Riley Cooper, so you’ll probably avoid the VD. You’ve got everything, but now this? You’re a terrific baseball player but your on base percentage does not need to improve with my wife. It makes me sick because you’re turning in an awesome season so far and every time you make a catch from now on, I can only think of myself as William H. Macy’s character from Boogie Nights.Riley, this is my wife we're talking about here.

Moving on to other games that happened. Do I really need to call you out, FSU? It’s all about to spiral out of control and there’s nothing you can do about it.
USC and Ohio State proved nothing. I assure you that neither of these teams are that good. Both are on the equivalent of a Virginia Tech this year and it’s a joke that USC is ahead of Bama.
One more thing of note came to my attention this weekend. I already knew that former Kentucky basketball coach Billy Gillispie was a drunk driving piece of trash, but apparently he was taking advantage of co-eds at on campus parties and in his office. This guy was living the dream. Lets hope he was using protection, but in all likelihood he was probably taking care of business Pitino Style.

On to our opponent. I’m not really looking past Tennessee and obviously I’m going to write about this game, but not much. I personally think this is beating a dead horse and there isn’t really a fresh angle on it. Kiffin’s a douche, we get it and if you’ve seen his show, you’ll get to see that personality sparkling. My thoughts when Kiffin started shooting his mouth off were basic. How dumb is he? As a fan, Tennessee was officially off of my radar. I considered it a guaranteed win and I’m guessing most of our players did as well. That would have been a perfect scenario for Tennessee, a trap game for the Gators if you will. However Kiffin did his team in before the season ever started.

Game Expectations
There are no surprises here. Expect Florida to do everything in their power to win big.
Obvious things to watch for this weekend…
Trying to win big could end up being a problem. However I think our coaching staff is immune to this problem. If Zook was coaching, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Gators attempted big plays on early downs and had to punt on a few of the early possessions just like last week. Expect the Gators to take what is given and do what is necessary to score early and often. The fireworks will happen late in the 2nd quarter and then the floodgates will open.
Some not so obvious things to watch for…
I’m going to watch for Eric Berry. I personally don’t buy the hype but I have not seen much of him. Also if Demps is able to bust big gains against the Vols, he’ll be doing it all season long.
Game Prediction: Florida 77, Tennessee 0

Random Thoughts of the Week
I’m pretty sure it’s wrong for a guy to purposely get an eating disorder just so he can say, “Hey check out these Holocaust abs!”
Must Watch Web
If you haven’t seen The Interupter on Conan’s Tonight Show, check this out. You’ll definitely be doing imitations soon after.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/93818/the-tonight-show-with-conan-obrien-the-return-of-the-interrupter

Fact of the Week
Lane Kiffin is 6 and 16 in his 22 football games as a head coach.

Weekend Football Forecast
First off, I’m no longer predicting an upset game of the week. I will be predicting a “slap-in-the-face” game of the week. I’ve already had two and I’m 0 and 2 but winning these picks is not the point. These picks are an insult, like throwing your shoes at the president. Western Kentucky over Tennessee, slapped. Vandy over LSU, slapped.
This week’s slap in the face pick is BYU over FSU. Slap in the face, you say? How could this be? BYU will most definitely beat FSU. Yep, and there within lies the slap in the face. FSU, you’ve fallen so far that you won’t be favored over BYU. Pick slap! Ooh! Liken this honor to a man being slapped by another man or to a father walking in on his BYU co-ed daughter with FSU grad Deon Sanders. In either scenario, you will have a hard time making eye contact with anyone again for the rest of his life. This is you, FSU. Slapped.

Last week’s record: 6-4 including the Gators Game

Picks: Miami over GT (reluctantly), Washington over USC, Notre Dame over MSU, Arkansas over UGA, Texas over Texas Tech, Nebraska over Va Tech, Auburn over West Virginia, Cincinnati over Oregon State

Authors note: this week’s picks are right on the line and I could easily go 1-9. It’s like Russian roulette without having to go to your drug addicted uncle’s funeral.
Season Record: 12-8

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: VT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas*
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State
*Changed prediction since last week. I bit the bullet and picked the Horns. However, I still think we would have annihilated them in the BCS title game last year. Saying Texas was better than OU based on one game is saying Ole Miss was better than us. I’m bothered.

Heisman Dominos
This is a segment where I will predict the Heisman Trophy winner. Consider every single player in college football to be a domino. Each week dominos will fall until we have a winner.
Who is left? It’s kind of hard to do this segment because it was mainly based on the first week joke of eliminating all of the people who deservedly had no chance in hell. I can honestly skip the formalities and we can get right down to it and narrow them down to two. Tebow and McCoy. If they have decent stats, stay healthy and undefeated it’s a 2 horse race, period. If BYU stays undefeated expect Max Hall at the ceremony to make things a bit pastier but he won’t really contend. Ask Mitt Romney.

By the way, if the Mormons had the equivalent to Middle Eastern hate websites, I’d be moving my way up those polls quickly.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I’d like to have a fan mail segment to replace Heisman Dominos.

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when another FSU quarterback has a bad drug experience and proclaims he is divine. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators