UF Football: 0 Arrests Since Tuesday

Our program is a train wreck. I honestly don’t care about the arrests. They’re a black mark and will hurt us with some recruits. Also I’d like to just say up front that I am a hypocrite and I will go off on another program’s sketch balls when they F up (see my Nu’Keese blog from last year). Expect me to turn the blind eye; it’s what Gators do. We take our cues from the top of the program, or at least that’s what the newspapers want you to think.
It’s no surprise these players are getting tossed in the slammer. These kids are commodities. They are worshipped by some, babied by many, and thus enabled. In their minds, they can do no wrong, and we deal with it. It’s the price we pay for the premier athlete with a premier ego. I’d like to say it hasn’t been awful under Urban. I could pretend there haven’t been guns, stalking, death threats, dead girl’s credit cards stolen, and a mixed race BJ video. But we have.
In writing this section I started thinking about legal nicknames for Urban. I thought about Urban of Mayberry, which doesn’t really fit but then I thought…they should make a movie for Andy Griffith. They need to amp it up like they do with every TV show turned movie. Honestly I hope they just keep the character names and then just go all Miami Vice with it. I want to see Opie get kidnapped, Aunt Bee naked, Goober kill someone while drunk driving, Floyd the barber slice someone’s throat with a shaving razor, Barney get investigated for embezzling and or having Babik-like material on his computer, and Andy blow some crack fiend’s head off because Ernest T Bass dared him to.
Despite our ugly tradition of breaking the law, we have legitimate college football traditions at UF. Mr. Two Bits, Gator Growl, We are the Boys, It’s Great to be a Florida Gator, The Cocktail Party etc. The tradition of Mr. Two Bits is great because a great man decided he wanted to support the Gators when no one else would. He didn’t just copy another school or an older tradition. He is an original, a Gator treasure. So if you are the parents of the kid who has been impersonating Mr. Two Bits in the stadium the past two seasons, listen up. Your kid isn’t Mr. Two Bits. Have him sit in his seat like the other kids who don’t actually know shit about the game or originality and leave the costume at home. I understand you probably thought it was so cute when he had the initiative to be Mr. Two Bits for Halloween last year. Great. You should have taken his picture and sent it to all of your other fat-women-friends at work and left it at that. You didn’t. Your son, like all of the other drunken frat assholes who have impersonated Mr. Two Bits is just that, an asshole. Next week when he comes around to my section, this Gator fan won’t be standing up and hollering, he’ll be throwing his Italian Ice. Note: If this kid has the express written consent of Mr. Two Bits, I take it all back, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Last week my wife finally read one of this season’s blogs. “You sound like a douche bag” she told me. She was specifically talking about my rant on America. Let me clarify, I love America but I hate PC America. Who is making all of these unspoken rules that in my opinion are softening the ideals that make America great? It’s the land of the free and the home of the brave. Free and brave have nothing to do with hyper-sensitivity and coddling. Now because of PC America we’re not supposed to call it the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party and OU and Texas aren’t supposed to call it the Red River Shootout anymore. To hell with that. I’m taking a stand and it starts now. I’m going to start renaming things to be completely un-PC. This is a decree from the Voice of the Gators. Any team in any of the women’s sports that wins multiple championships in a short span of time will not be referred to as a dynasty, but a VAGYNASTY.
VOG 1. PC America 0.

So, obviously if you are one of the fifteen loyal readers of this blog, you’ll know that I have not retired. We beat USF. I called my shot. Was I losing my mind during the first 28 minutes? Absolutely. That first half had me unbelievably frustrated but never worried. We’re stocked on both sides of the ball and we would never let ourselves lose to such an inferior opponent. FSU was playing USF last year with comparable talent to the Bulls. FSU, that’s something you’re simply going to have to admit to yourself. A premier program does not get their doors blown off by a team coming off of a 5 loss season. I predicted in week 1 that the OU game would be the game that ended your relevance. I stand by what I said. The only legitimate teams you have played over the past 5 years are the Gators and now OU. You’re winless against quality. If you were planning on counting Va Tech as a legitimate program, well let’s see how that that works out for you and Boise State. Since I’m so successful at calling my shots this year, here are a couple more predictions. Boise State will not go undefeated this season and the Gators will land on probation within the next ten years. I pray this doesn’t happen but we’re in the news for the wrong reasons way too much lately.
In creating these blogs I obviously have to Google a ton but I also watch hours and hours of college football TV on ESPN. After my third week of the same shows, I started picking up the commercial patterns. Judging by the commercials I’m seeing, ESPN does not have a high opinion about their college football viewers. Every other commercial is for an “As Seen on TV” product. If I have to watch another commercial for the Sobakawa Pillow, the commemorative 911 silver coin, the Shake Weight for Men (keep the Shake Weight for Women ads coming), the Shed Vac, or Slim T’s, I’m going to really throw my Italian Ice at the Two Bits Kid (not really).
One legitimate commercial I have been seeing is for Doritos. They’re marketing a new flavor called Late Night Cheeseburger. The commercial goes like this. It’s a hot girl riding in a cab eating these Doritos. Right off the bat I’m thinking, what kind of trashy whore eats Doritos as a snack. If your girl is a Doritos fan, your parents also probably think she’s a whore. To quote the Green Goblin, “Do what you need to with her then broom her fast.” So anyway, she finishes her cab ride and her bag of Doritos and then walks into the club. Am I the only one totally grossed about by this Doritos-eating slob? After a long night of drinking and Dorito eating, God help the man who has to smell her breath, or worse yet, one of her BMs.
My timing for toilet humor is good. This weekend, the Gators are traveling to Neyland Stadium, an overrated dump of a stadium. A few years ago I would have been worried about a trip to Rocky Top, but Urban has changed things. Aside from Zook’s two losses to UT, The Gators have quietly put the Vols next to UGA on our bitch list. We’re going for six in a row which is amazing. You may love or hate Urban; either way it’s no coincidence that our three biggest rivals are currently on the downside of success. Before the year I was worried about this game. Last week was a best case scenario for us heading into our SEC opener. We fixed our problems in the second half and the Vols fell apart. Like FSU, they don’t have the players to hang with us and I actually anticipate us having a good first quarter for once. We didn’t show our whole offense against our first two “escorts” so expect JB to open things up down field. Expect Burton and Reed to see more PT at QB in Tebow-like situations and expect Demps to continue his success against an unconfident defense. If I’m completely wrong, then expect Janoris Jenkins and our defense to win it for us. Ultimately, they will be the identity of the team this year. They set the tone for our offense. Our offense was nervous in weeks 1 and 2 and big defensive plays boosted their confidence. After two shaky weeks, the offense now knows the D will bail them out so they should be much more relaxed. Note: Janoris Jenkins is our best player and we should push him for Heisman.

Prediction: UF 38 UT 13

Random Thoughts of the Week
I want to start a new game show called, “Guess My Race.” The first person on the show will be Gator running back Emanuel Moody. The contestants would look to the audience for help and of course the audience would scream, “Navajo! Definitely some sort of Asian! Black black black. Eskimo!”

I hated Nick Saban until I saw the new College Gameday commercial where he eats the Little Debbie oatmeal sandwich off the ground. Genuinely funny.





What I had to Google this Week for the blog

Vagynasty
UF versus UT all time record
Chris Rainey Text Messages
Emanuel Moody Race
Late Night Cheeseburger
Do they use the Sobakawa pillow in “Oriental Massage Spas?”
Local Oriental Massage Spas close to my house

Facts of the Week
The Florida Gators have won 13 of the last 17 games versus Tennessee.

Weekend Football Forecast

Slap in the face pick
BYU over FSU. BYU sucks so I know this isn’t a guarantee but it just wouldn’t feel right to pick FSU over anyone, yet alone against a whole bunch of un-athletic pasty whites.

UGA over Arkansas (a must win or Richt’s gone)
Nebraska over Washington
MSU over LSU
Auburn over Clemson
ND over Mich St.
Iowa over Arizona

Last Week’s Record: 8-3
Season Record: 13-7
2009 Season Record: 59-43

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS: Nebraska
SEC: Florida
ACC: Miami
Big East: UConn
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Nebraska
Pac 10: Oregon State (Oregon looks sexy but I’m sticking with OSU)
BCS Buster: TCU unfortunately


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog or when Chris Rainey ends up playing for Auburn or when next season starts and FSU again claims they are back. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators



USF 17 FSU 7, September 26, 2009
We will always remember.