Watch out for that boat motor, Ronnie! I guess it would be a good time to talk about Gator Basketball but I have to jump on a monster grenade first. Fucking Gators!
That feels a little bit better but it doesn’t change the fact that we got exposed by Bama, who will never play as well as they did Saturday again. Doesn’t that just piss you off? A team can be so average against a piece of shit school like Tennessee and then finally hit on all cylinders against the Gators. They stepped up big time and our linebackers looked like a couple of “twinks” getting pounded by their” bear” running backs all game long.
This is the reason why we were all so pissed off this season because we knew deep down this was probably on the horizon. How did we get caught with our pants down at linebacker and wide receiver this year? How did that happen at Florida? Tebow just didn’t have that many targets and our linebackers couldn’t handle the only 3 good running backs they had to tackle this year (all playing for Bama). You know you’re having problems when your asshole FSU buddy texts you, “Bring out the rape kit!” at the start of the 4th quarter.
I hate to compare football to something as traumatic as rape, but Tebow was certainly crying like he belonged at the bottom of a cold shower after a premeditated, parking garage pounding. I don’t mind the crying thing but he just made himself a big target for jokes unfortunately. I’m taking aim. Who woulda thought Tim Tebow would have been playing the Crimson Tide while riding the crimson wave. That same asshole FSU buddy laid that on pretty thick, vehemently telling me that the Teebs is indeed a homosexual. Yeah, I could see that (see blog on me turning on Gator qbs). To be honest I don’t know but I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t think about it. Let’s lay out all the evidence that could prove his gayness. Cries in public, check. Talks with a slight lisp, check. Pounds dudes, check (on the football field). I’m totally fine with it if he is gay; he would be an amazing ambassador for homosexuals and he’d also be a real force if he ever went to prison. I could just see him pumping up all the cons in the yard or a shower full of people after imposing his will on some Latin King or Blood. Even in prison he would make them cheer. Now that I’m thinking about it, this doesn’t at all make sense. Tim Tebow could do anything he wants. If Superman can turn back time by flying around the world, reversing the orbit of our planet, then I’m pretty sure that Fifteen can block out fantasies of him and Urban being alone in a tent on some mission trip to the Philippines. I’m making the ruling. Tim Tebow, definitely straight! Maybe.
Last week I didn’t address the whole Carlos Dunlap issue. I honestly didn’t think it would be a huge deal and I still don’t think it was the sole reason why Bama took us to pound town. Also as a writer, it’s easy and convenient to forget about thug Florida players when you’re going on a rant about the sins of Bobby Bowden’s past. Oops. During the game I started thinking, “What if Dunlap was a suspended Bama player in a game that went in our favor?” I’m pretty sure a whole bunch of good ole boy Bama fans would have loaded their pickup trucks, and sped into the inner city yelling, “Hey, it’s Carlos Dunlap! Get him!” to the first black person they saw. Bama fans, you make me sick.
As an arrogant Gator fan, I had a lot of grand ideas for the blog after our huge SEC title win over Bama. Well instead of those awesome ideas, I started thinking of ways to reference Kevin
Bacon’s character from Sleepers. If you haven’t seen that movie and want to basically know what happened, here goes. Bama is Kevin Bacon’s character and the Gators are the boys. I really wanted that championship blog to be special. I was planning on composing a whole rap song about the Gator’s current best white wide receiver called, “Do the Riley Cooper.” The song was really special and it was all about his awesome hair, his great hands, and his uncanny ability to score poon. It had awesome lyrics like, “He f***ed his 3rd grade teacher in her Halloween sweater.” Now I can’t do it. I was hoping it would catch on and maybe we could record it with auto-tune but no, we had to lose. Nothing can be fun right now. Only rape jokes and self loathing for Gator fans right now.
Maybe I should try to raise the morale and try something new and innovative. Okay, the following portion of the blog will be written by legendary director and writer, Martin Scorsese. Whoa, I can’t do that. This is an N-bomb free zone. This is a blog for blacks written by blacks. I’m just joking about the whole being written for blacks thing, but it’s definitely written by blacks as you’ve clearly picked up on by now. While I’m on the topic I’ll share a quick funny story. When I saw Harry Potter 3, the one with Sirius Black, I belted out the loudest laugh ever in a quiet movie theater. When the black kid said, “Black could be anywhere,” as they were inquiring about Sirius Black, I lost it. I don’t know why but I found that to be one of the more unintentionally funny moments in movie history. It ranks right up there with every line of Brandon Lee’s dialogue in Showdown in Little Tokyo.
That feels a little bit better but it doesn’t change the fact that we got exposed by Bama, who will never play as well as they did Saturday again. Doesn’t that just piss you off? A team can be so average against a piece of shit school like Tennessee and then finally hit on all cylinders against the Gators. They stepped up big time and our linebackers looked like a couple of “twinks” getting pounded by their” bear” running backs all game long.
This is the reason why we were all so pissed off this season because we knew deep down this was probably on the horizon. How did we get caught with our pants down at linebacker and wide receiver this year? How did that happen at Florida? Tebow just didn’t have that many targets and our linebackers couldn’t handle the only 3 good running backs they had to tackle this year (all playing for Bama). You know you’re having problems when your asshole FSU buddy texts you, “Bring out the rape kit!” at the start of the 4th quarter.
I hate to compare football to something as traumatic as rape, but Tebow was certainly crying like he belonged at the bottom of a cold shower after a premeditated, parking garage pounding. I don’t mind the crying thing but he just made himself a big target for jokes unfortunately. I’m taking aim. Who woulda thought Tim Tebow would have been playing the Crimson Tide while riding the crimson wave. That same asshole FSU buddy laid that on pretty thick, vehemently telling me that the Teebs is indeed a homosexual. Yeah, I could see that (see blog on me turning on Gator qbs). To be honest I don’t know but I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t think about it. Let’s lay out all the evidence that could prove his gayness. Cries in public, check. Talks with a slight lisp, check. Pounds dudes, check (on the football field). I’m totally fine with it if he is gay; he would be an amazing ambassador for homosexuals and he’d also be a real force if he ever went to prison. I could just see him pumping up all the cons in the yard or a shower full of people after imposing his will on some Latin King or Blood. Even in prison he would make them cheer. Now that I’m thinking about it, this doesn’t at all make sense. Tim Tebow could do anything he wants. If Superman can turn back time by flying around the world, reversing the orbit of our planet, then I’m pretty sure that Fifteen can block out fantasies of him and Urban being alone in a tent on some mission trip to the Philippines. I’m making the ruling. Tim Tebow, definitely straight! Maybe.
Last week I didn’t address the whole Carlos Dunlap issue. I honestly didn’t think it would be a huge deal and I still don’t think it was the sole reason why Bama took us to pound town. Also as a writer, it’s easy and convenient to forget about thug Florida players when you’re going on a rant about the sins of Bobby Bowden’s past. Oops. During the game I started thinking, “What if Dunlap was a suspended Bama player in a game that went in our favor?” I’m pretty sure a whole bunch of good ole boy Bama fans would have loaded their pickup trucks, and sped into the inner city yelling, “Hey, it’s Carlos Dunlap! Get him!” to the first black person they saw. Bama fans, you make me sick.
As an arrogant Gator fan, I had a lot of grand ideas for the blog after our huge SEC title win over Bama. Well instead of those awesome ideas, I started thinking of ways to reference Kevin
Bacon’s character from Sleepers. If you haven’t seen that movie and want to basically know what happened, here goes. Bama is Kevin Bacon’s character and the Gators are the boys. I really wanted that championship blog to be special. I was planning on composing a whole rap song about the Gator’s current best white wide receiver called, “Do the Riley Cooper.” The song was really special and it was all about his awesome hair, his great hands, and his uncanny ability to score poon. It had awesome lyrics like, “He f***ed his 3rd grade teacher in her Halloween sweater.” Now I can’t do it. I was hoping it would catch on and maybe we could record it with auto-tune but no, we had to lose. Nothing can be fun right now. Only rape jokes and self loathing for Gator fans right now.Maybe I should try to raise the morale and try something new and innovative. Okay, the following portion of the blog will be written by legendary director and writer, Martin Scorsese. Whoa, I can’t do that. This is an N-bomb free zone. This is a blog for blacks written by blacks. I’m just joking about the whole being written for blacks thing, but it’s definitely written by blacks as you’ve clearly picked up on by now. While I’m on the topic I’ll share a quick funny story. When I saw Harry Potter 3, the one with Sirius Black, I belted out the loudest laugh ever in a quiet movie theater. When the black kid said, “Black could be anywhere,” as they were inquiring about Sirius Black, I lost it. I don’t know why but I found that to be one of the more unintentionally funny moments in movie history. It ranks right up there with every line of Brandon Lee’s dialogue in Showdown in Little Tokyo.
No Martin Scorsese blog, bummer. What will cheer us Gator fans up? Maybe a wrestling reference or two would cheer us up! I could talk about the 1992 Royal Rumble and how it’s the only Royal Rumble in WWF history whose winner was awarded the heavyweight championship (that reference obviously relating to how the SEC championship was really for the National Championship). TRIVIA ALERT: If you can email me the winner, I’ll send you a free ticket to hell. I could talk about the 1994 Royal Rumble Match, where Brett Hart and Lex Luger both fell out of the ring at the same time, needing instant replay to determine the winner of the match, as a reference to the photo finish between Texas and Nebraska. Nah. That’s not working either. I don’t know what’s going to cheer us up. Well there’s something. It rhymes with FSU losing to USF this season. We might be down but we’re not FSU. For the record I commend the WWF and their officials for their discretion and proper usage of instant replay in the 1994 Royal Rumble. Most sports historians know this is what really started the instant replay movement for the NFL, college football, and all other legitimate sports.
It’s actually really hard to be excited if you’re a Gator fan right now. Charlie Strong is leaving us, our seniors are leaving without any new championship jewelry, and there is only one game left in the season. It’s all really kind of shitty right now. During the Bama game I did start thinking for the future of Gator football. It’s very bright if we can recruit a team to foil Alabama’s style. Urban needs to recruit receivers and linebackers who can play right away, and a replacement for Brantley. I think our help on the defensive line will come with Omar Hunter stepping up at DT and our veteran backup defensive ends. I know they say Florida is the state for the best high school recruits but I want what Bama’s got right now. Their lines are just bigger and tougher. We have all the skill position players in the world in this state but Bama’s got the big uglies.
Also we need to replace Strong. We could promote an assistant or look elsewhere. I wouldn’t mind taking someone from Nebraska’s staff after seeing their defense hold Oklahoma to 3 and stifle Texas in what should have been a big 12 Championship upset. Still this season has turned out very bad. I’m disappointed with 12-1, and I’m sure all of you are too. You know what will cheer you up? Sex! Let’s all pretend we’re blue chip high school football players, drive up to Knoxville and have sex with the Orange Pride! That would cheer me up tremendously and so would probation for Tennessee. Way to run a clean program your first year, Lane. At least you don’t look like a hypocrite.
Is it any coincidence that Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino are both out of a job at the same time? These two were made for each other. How awesome would it be if they were both coaching at the same place? It would be the second greatest duo in legitimate sports history.
Finally since football is winding down, expect to hear more about Gator Basketball (huge game vs. Syracuse tonight), the NFL, the NBA, and TNA Wrestling (definitely just kidding, maybe). Speaking of the NFL, I’m definitely a big fantasy football guy. The best part of fantasy football is creating your team name. If you’re in a league, you know what this is about. It’s not about intimidation. It’s about funny. Raunchy won’t cut it. Clever in 18 characters or less is the key. That being said, I’m starting a new bit called, “The Fantasy Team Name of the Week” Send me your best team name, and the best ones will go up.
FANTASY TEAM NAME OF THE WEEK: RonZookSexParty
I mean who wouldn’t want to be invited to that. First the sex party and then the leisurely water skiing session afterwards. That sounds like a pretty good party, if you’re in a cult or were a cast member on Jaws 3. Who still water skis anyway? Ron Zook, that’s who!
Please send me your best fantasy team names and I’ll post the best one each week. voiceofthegators@gmail.com
Must Watch Web
This is a good take on what ESPN’s programming was like in the early days. I swear to God it’s not a wrestling clip.
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/ladies-bowling/1182387/
Fact of the Week
Alabama raped us in Georgia Saturday. Georgia laws are very clear on the punishment for this.
16-6-1: Rape
A person convicted of the offense of rape shall be punished by
death, by imprisonment for life, or by imprisonment for not less than
ten nor more than 20 years.
UGA fans you may want to read up on this one.
16-6-22. Incest. (a) A person commits the offense of incest when he engages in sexualintercourse with a person to whom he knows he is related either by bloodor by marriage as follows: 1. Father and daughter or stepdaughter; 2. Mother and son or stepson; 3. Brother and sister or the whole blood or of the half blood; 4. Grandparent and grandchild; 5. Aunt and nephew; or 6. Uncle and niece. (b) A person convicted of the offense of incest shall be punished byimprisonment for not less than one nor more than 20 years.
If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a consistent fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when the Gators go 6 and 6 in Urban’s last season and Jeremy Foley begs to play in the Capital One Bowl.
The Voice of the Gators
P.S. “It’s called a blowjob,” in case any of you thought I forgot to mention the best quote from Sleepers.
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