Be Thankful and Hateful

This time of year is quite interesting for most Gator fans as it is filled with so much love during Thanksgiving and then so much hate and rage for the FSU game. This blog will express both sides of that coin and obviously because this is FSU, the hate should probably overshadow the love.
What am I thankful for? I’m thankful that FSU lost to USF earlier this season. I’m thankful for Eric Rhett, the most underrated Gator in our school’s history. I’m thankful for the cornucopia of sorority butt cleavage always on display at the early season home games. I’m thankful for Andrew Declercq; I’m not thankful for Lon Kruger who seemingly wanted to make the Gators his stepping stone. I am thankful he’s gone however. I’m thankful my wife has a healthy crush on Riley Cooper. Who am I fooling? I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and realized my hair was growing out and was looking close to what Riley unveils every time he takes his helmet off. Am I subconsciously trying to be Riley? I’ve already decided to get my hair cut ASAP and I have already laid the ground rules with my wife that there will be no Riley-role-play. My terms for any sort of Florida Gator Wide Receiver role play would include playing the role of a consistent player. If I’m going down this role-play path, my wife will learn the hard way what happens when she tries to steal Jabar Gaffney’s scooter. On the topic of white receivers, I’m thankful that my dad is always so hyper-critical of the white wide receivers for the Gators. I don’t know why; I figure he’d be proud of the guys but in the 90’s any time Travis McGriff caught a pass he was like, “Eh, whatever, lucky catch.” Cooper gets the same treatment. I guess in his eyes it’s like a white guy trying to do James Brown’s routine at the Apollo. I’m not sure if this is racist or not but I’m thankful for it. I’m thankful for “coach-in-waiting” scenarios. I’m thankful for the rich tradition and legacy of the Intercontinental Championship. This stepping stone to the heavyweight championship has held the company of such greats as: Rick Rude, Brett Hart, Shawn Michaels, HHH and The Mountie. I’m thankful for soft-core porn. If I were to make a movie of this Thanksgiving weekend/Florida FSU game I’d call it Butt Stuffing. It’ll be the hottest Thanksgiving/Football rental since 1993’s all male “Cowboy Rodeo 6: Troy’s Revenge.”
FSU, I really hate you in a way that is not healthy. I hate your fans, I hate your team, and not to sound too much like Ugly Kid Joe, but I hate everything about you. I remember when I was like 7 and my uncle was trying to tell me why the Seminoles were better than the Gators. He told me, “Well, Seminoles kill alligators with their spears and eat them with their tribe.” If I’m going with a metaphor to relate to football success, especially recently, I’m going with, “The Seminole, too drunk to now paddle his canoe due to a long and rich tradition with cheap alcohol (or demons if you prefer) lost his balance in waters he had no business being in, fell in and then became dinner for a 6-foot alligator.”
FSU, you are pathetic. In this rivalry, I know I’m on the right side. I know that there is no way that being an FSU fan can be a good thing. At heart, all FSU fans know the same thing. There is no argument in any department. Shall we go the academic route? Shall we go the tradition route? Dare I ask to go down the current success route.
Lets go down the fan loyalty route. I saw parts of the Maryland game; did your fans even realize that it was possibly Bowden’s last home game? The upper deck was teeming with empty seats. This was the game to make your team bowl eligible and you couldn’t fill seats. You had on your cute special edition jerseys and that couldn’t bring your fans out. Unload your entire coaching staff, FSU. Beg Marc Richt and call it a day. This is your answer but of course you’ve hitched your wagon to a guy named Jimbo. Did you not even look at the top of this guy’s resume? His name is Jimbo. Jimbo. Not Jumbo which of course would be a great nickname if you were well-endowed in high school but it’s not Jumbo, it’s Jimbo. Jumbo of course could intimidate opposing teams by wearing tight pants on game day but not Jimbo. At least hire a guy with an awesome nickname, like “Axe,” “Smash,” “Animal,” “Hawk,” or “The Repo Man.”
I hate you for several reasons. I feel that your 90’s “success” was built on only having two legitimate games each year with Florida and Miami. You were well equipped for both of those games each year and it’s not really hard to figure out why you had all of those top five finishes. Your 90’s success is like Boise State’s current success. I hope I’ve pissed you off now but you know it’s true. The ACC is still a joke but the field has caught up and Marc Richt is now at UGA. Obviously your 93 title is not legitimate and to be quite honest, had you played a real schedule in 99 you’d probably only have that 93 asterisks ridden banner up at Joke Campbell. There’s a reason your team lost 3 national title games in convincing fashion; because you weren’t really that good. The only Seminole who carries a legit championship from the 90’s is Ron Simmons, after defeating Vader in 1992 for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship. For the record, it’d be really funny if FSU recognized that championship and put up a sign in the stadium commemorating it.
What should you expect in the Swamp tomorrow? Expect an ass beating, FSU. Expect to think you’ve lost the game before kickoff. Expect to be humiliated. Expect John Brantley to outperform your starting QB in mop-up duty. Expect E.J. to throw several interceptions and expect to hear “3 and out” on all of your first half drives. Expect to see several 100 yard rushers cut through your “defense.” Expect to take some of the sod from our field to take home and create a new sod cemetery, one reserved for embarrassing road losses. Expect the usual.
I love that the Gators are trying to make it 6 in a row against FSU and even though I am confident, I always get so nervous for this game. Why wouldn’t I be? If FSU somehow pulls off a miracle, we’d have the worst loss in Gator history on our hands. I don’t know what I’d feel. It’d be humiliating. I expect FSU to be motivated but then again, the Gators have been motivated for this game every year under Meyer. This is their rivalry despite what UGA thinks. Tim Tebow grew up with this rivalry; our hatred for FSU is not lost on him. Our team realizes the implications and they’ll be ready. I also feel that FSU has yet to play a legitimate defense this season and thus I’m predicting the following score.
Game Prediction: Florida 41 FSU 0


Random Thoughts of the Week
Stereotypical pedophile attire = pleated khaki pants, tucked in polo or button down, zip up jacket, and white sneakers.
Stereotypical football coach attire = pleated khaki pants, tucked in polo or button down, zip up jacket, and white sneakers.
I think it’s time to change the fashion in college football.

Also, if Texas loses the big 12 game, and the UF/Bama game is close, there will be an SEC title rematch for the national title. Sorry, TCU, Boise and Cincinnati but the voters will not allow you in.

Must Watch Web
SNL is hitting stride and I feel that Kenan Thompson is becoming their star. 2 awesome sketches with Keenan from this week’s show:
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/what-up-with-that/1178425/
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/digital-short-two-worlds-collide-ft-reba-mcentire/1178383/

Fact of the Week
Bobby Bowden is 17-17 and 1 against the Florida Gators.
Urban Meyer is 4-0 against FSU.


Weekend Football Forecast
Alright, USC, I saved my pick for you last week and now I’m ready to drop it on you. I’m picking UCLA in your house. I don’t really care if you win or not but I’m still feeling you get way too much respect. You’ve been blown out twice and you’re still in the top 20. What’s really terrible is that no matter how you finish this year, you’ll start next season in the top 5 which makes me want to vomit.
Last week’s record: 6-4.
Cincinnati over Illinois, Bama over Auburn, West Virginia over Pitt, South Carolina over Clemson, Miss St. Over Ole Miss, Oklahoma over Oklahoma State, Miami over South Florida, Utah over BYU in Hitler’s Dream Match up, Arkansas over LSU, Kentucky over Tenn, Stanford over Notre Dame, Georgia over Georgia Tech
I’m rolling the dice big-time this weekend but I must say that this is one of the best weekends for college football in a long long time.
Season Record: 65-47

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: Oregon
BCS Buster: TCU


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU claims that post-season losses don’t count when they end the season with a 6 and 7 record after a December bowl loss. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators

The Best Part about Going 10 and 0

Is pretending that you’re excited about it. Also the best part of being 10 and 0 is that FSU is 5-5. They’d be 6 and 4 if they would have beaten USF when they played earlier this year at Doak Cambell Stadium. I love the “best part of being 10-0” line and it’s becoming somewhat of Urban’s trademark but enough of the bullshit already. At some point you need to publicly chastise your players. Whatever happened to treat your players like dirt when they win and like kings when they lose? If we’re relating football motivation to scoring ass, then Ali G said it best, “treat em rough you’ll get your muff.” The muff in this circumstance being blowout victories.
I love Tebow but John Brantley has been in the back of our mind. I 100% believe Tebow should be our starter but we all know he’s struggling. I’m not going to trash Tebow but being a Gator fan and wanting the backup quarterback to start sort of go hand in hand. Ask Terry Dean, Doug Johnson, Jesse Palmer, Rex Grossman (The Zook Year), Ingle Martin, Chris Leak, and now Tim Tebow. Spurrier has polluted our expectations for a starting quarterback and we always look toward the bench hoping to find the next Danny Wuerffel or Rex Grossman magically waiting in the wings. Before I move on I’ve noticed that I blame Spurrier for a lot of my actions. It’s like when a sex offender blames his abusive parents. Taking responsibility for your own actions is so 1980s. Excuses are what’s hot right now.
If you haven’t thought about benching Tebow for Brantley just a little bit then you’re a liar or at the very least a little bit too comfortable with our situation. I’m the worst offender of all when it comes to this. I’ve turned on UF quarterbacks more times than Ric Flair turned on Sting. Hopefully this is my only wrestling reference this week but it helps you quantify my…it helps you realize that I’m white trash, who am I fooling?
I turned on Chris Leak during his freshman year. That’s how bad I am. I still for the record know I’m right. I feel Leak needed a redshirt without a doubt. He needed that year to get prepared and actually be ready to deal with SEC speed. However if he redshirted I don’t think he would have been able to truly claim a starting spot and of course we know Zook’s job was in jeopardy after that embarrassing loss to Tennessee. You remember that game, Gaycy Clausen connected on a Hail Mary TD at the end of the first half and we all said “F**king Zook” at the exact same time as we know the game was lost. Also I was a big Ingle Martin fan; he would have been an amazing quarterback in Meyer’s spread. When Ingle got benched, I turned on Leak. A good quarterback can stand in the pocket, period. Leak in the pocket was twitchier than an epileptic meth addict doing a Michael J. Fox impression. He’s the only player I know who could sack himself. Sometimes it’d be like the invisible man was running a safety blitz. One good thing came from Leak. The deal Zook cut with Leak’s dad to get him into the program ensured him to start. We all basically know that. However Leak brought a lot of attention when he signed and guys like Jarvis Moss, Joe Cohen, Andre Caldwell and Earl Everett might not have been on board. The defensive core of that class won our national championship in 06. Leak did have 3 good games. At LSU as a sophomore, the SEC Championship Game vs Sas (lets see if that catches on, calling Arkansas, Sas), and the 06 BCS game. Then when you look at a Tebow run offense with the same exact talent the following year, you understand why we get antsy with our current starting quarterbacks.
The biggest thing I noticed against South Carolina this past week was Steve Spurrier’s visor. What the hell was the logo on that thing? It wasn’t a gamecock or the palm tree and moon logo. It might have been something military related. To be honest it really looked like a silhouette of Swamp Thing carrying a lady through the swamp. If that’s the case then I’m going to buy that visor.
One of my friends likes to give me grief about the Gators, especially when they are lucky. He told me that to win a National Championship you need luck and we got lucky with that Trattou INT. After watching Breakfast with the Gators the following day I realized that we weren’t so lucky on that play. Markihe Anderson tipped that ball. Was it fortunate, absolutely but good defense made that happen just like it’s happened all year.
It has also become much more evident that Urban only trusts a select few on offense. If your name isn’t Tim Tebow, Aaron Hernandez, Jeff Demps, or Riley Cooper, you are not going to see the ball consistently. I really think that’s a shame because we have some extremely underutilized playmakers. I personally believe that David Nelson needs to get the ball at least 5 times a game. He can actually make plays after the catch. Obviously we know how Emmanuel Moody is underutilized and just when it looked like he was going to break through with that touchdown, he got injured. I was thinking all game long, “Why doesn’t Moody get the ball? If we could just get Emmanuel in space, we’d be able to fix our redzone problems.” Did you catch the soft-core porno reference? One major positive I saw was that Ommarius Hines saw a few balls and he made some nice plays after the catch. We have the personnel to be better than we are playing; we don’t have Murph or Harvin but we have the guys to better than we are now. Get Hines, Nelson and Moody the ball more. If you give the ball to 21 on the right play, you’ll get Emanuel in space.
If you watched the game then you saw the Enterprise car rental commercial. I’ve seen it a million times before but that was before I had my open forum to discuss things that bother me. You know this commercial. This young “couple” is packing for a trip and the woman (who’s probably not the wife because she’s obviously an immoral whore) asks her boyfriend (or pimp) if she should pack the red or black lingerie. He says both. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure this was just a John and a pro he hired for the weekend, in fact I’m positive. How this whore and client relate to renting a car is beyond me but I feel this is just the start of a deluge of whore-related commercials. Now that I’m talking about whores and commercials I can’t help but think about the scene from Dirty Work where Norm and Artie stash whores in the trunks of the Cadillacs during the live commercial during the Saturday Movie Matinee.
I’m just kidding about acting disgusted; sex sells and we all love it. Look at that Chase Rewards commercial where that milf uses her husband’s reward points to buy that dress. Guys, you all know the commercial I’m talking about. The one where you think if you were the husband you’d make her beg for mercy and promise to never use your hard earned points again. Then the consequences ; the little lady and her new dress will be taking a trip to “Poundtown.” Poundtown was a reference stolen from Tosh.0; if you’re not watching, you’re truly missing out. You might be thinking, oh man this guy is in trouble with his wife. You bet. But I’m throwing some honesty out there. She has her list and Riley Cooper’s at the top. What do I have? The Appliance Direct lady and my denial of finding Kristin Stewart attractive any time my wife interrogates me about it. No one can take the Chase Financial Milf off my list. She’s stayin. Poundtown.
That brings me to our first ever fan mail contest. I’ve slowly but surely had fans email me and it seems like my blog is getting passed around more and more each week (more than your daughter if she’s a first year at FSU, but that’s still a lot). Still you need to keep it going. I’ve been so busy at work I’m hardly finding time to do this blog every week. I want to make this my work so I need fans and a following. That being said, you know you’ve made it when you have fans in prison. Yes, prison. That is what the contest is all about. I already have a few people who claim to be my biggest fan. I love you, Mom and my web stalkers, but I want to know which of my fans has the biggest sentence. I’m a voice for the Gators for sure, but I’m a voice for all Gators. White, black, brown, Mexican, young, old, tan, pale, the brilliant, the dumb, the blonde, the bald, the gay, the straight, the fair-weathered, the loyal, the well endowed, and the Chinese. All means all including the incarcerated. I liken this to when Johnny Cash played at Folsom Prison.

Voice of the Gators Prison Fan Contest

Contest Rules: Must be in prison to apply. Between now and the end of the BCS games I will be accepting entries. All prisoners must email me the following: your picture with Gator gear or doing a Gator pose in prison (non-negotiable), the year you graduated from Florida State, the year you became a fair-weather fan, the terms of your sentence, any prison gang affiliations, how you got caught, and why you deserve to be VOG’s biggest fan in prison. I will also accept prison guards but to be eligible you must be in a photo with a prisoner doing a Gator pose or wearing Gator gear. The prisoner may be unconscious after a severe beating you have just administered.
Entrants will be disqualified for, photos in the shower, photos during a prison riot or beating, photos while you are being raped or raping an inmate, or any other Sister-like shenanigans.
Winners will be notified via email and will have their picture posted on the blog after the Gators win the BCS championship. Winner will also be invited to have a live web chat with the Voice of the Gators in which the transcript will then be posted on a future blog. Winner will not receive the address or any personal information from the Voice of the Gators. Winner will not receive a lesser sentence. Winner will not get any help in fighting off the black gang you’ve agitated by joining the Arian brotherhood.
I know I’ve made jokes but I honestly think this is a unique contest and as I’ve said I’m the voice for ALL Gators and if you do post an entry, I will not mock or make fun of your situation. I simply think this is a very unique experience to get a typically unheard voice out to the public in a creative way.
That being said, if you’ve got an uncle who loves the Gators but loves arson even more and is serving hard time, please pass this along to him.
Enter now! What have you got to lose? You’re in prison.
Email entries to Voiceofthegators@gmail.com
That brings us to FIU. I encourage you to actually show up and fill the stadium up, Gator fans. I’m a fan of the escorts (formerly cupcakes, read early blog on cupcakes if you’re confused) but I don’t like it after we’ve already completed the SEC schedule. What’s the point? I know I’m proud that we can actually sell these games out but let’s face it. Everyone’s calendar has been marked for FSU and Tebow’s final home stand for weeks. I really feel that Tebow needs to get a microphone and make some sort of speech at mid field at the end of that game. If it’s half as good as what Rocky did with the Soviets at the end of Rocky IV then every FSU fan in the Swamp will be cheering for Fifteen. I’m so excited for that game that I’m actually wasting good blog material for next week. That being said I really want to reiterate that I want the Gators to score 100 points on a team. It’s possible and I know its terrible sportsmanship but who wouldn’t want to watch that? I do it all the time playing NCAA on Playstation. I know FAMU knew I was going to beat them, but were they expecting 200 points. If you don’t like it, FAMU, go ahead and write a complaint letter to the good people at EA Sports and ask them why they allowed me to have fifteen minute quarters.

Game Prediction: Florida 62 FIU 10

Random Thought of the Week
I’m really hoping I don’t get my family murdered over this whole prison contest thing. LOL, it’s all in good fun until Kiefer Sutherland’s character from Eye for an Eye shows up.

Must Watch Web
A little bootlegged batch material.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH_oLVhuSZA&feature=related

Fact of the Week
Charlie Weiss has 25 losses in his first five years as Notre Dame’s head coach. That’s one loss per 10 pounds …when he was in the 4th grade.

Weekend Football Forecast
Hey, USC, way to finally live up to the billing I gave you at the beginning of the year. Oh wait, this is the third time you’ve lived up to it. I predicted the Washington, Oregon, and Stanford losses. Pathetic. I haven’t even looked at the schedule yet and I’m not sure who you are playing but I’m predicting a loss again because you’re a joke. The pollsters proved how pathetic they are when you were ranked in the top 10 after your first loss. Oh I totally looked at the schedule and you’re not playing; looks like you’re off the hook. I’m not even going to pick anyone else. I’m holding out for you; consider this a slap in waiting which is way more effective than a coach in waiting.

Last week’s record: 9-1.
UCONN over Notre Dame, FSU over Maryland (reluctantly and I’ll probably be wrong as backup quarterbacks usually only play well in that first game and then falter), Ohio State over Michigan, Miss St. over Arkansas (hoping more than thinking), Ole Miss over LSU, Tennessee over Vandy in a war, UGA over Kentucky, Stanford over Cal, Oklahoma over Texas Tech
Season Record: 59-43

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: Oregon
BCS Buster: UCF*
*by buster I mean go f*** yourself, UCF. I still like TCU for the BCS.


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU actually wins a game wearing novelty uniforms. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators

Cock Talk (The Gay Blog)

Don’t get too excited about the title, ladies. I have a few issues to talk about first. First off, do you think Bob Tebow gets his clothes out of a dumpster? I understand that you are very conservative and Christian but where in the Bible does it say you’re not allowed to own a mirror? Have you looked at yourself lately? Do you get a sneak peak before you walk out the door on game day? You look like a Farside comic in human form. I’m not sure about the look you’re going for during the games. If I had to describe it I’d call it “asshole vogue.” You look like John Wayne trying to fit in during the early 90’s Starter Jacket fashion Craze. I’m surprised UAA hasn’t been on this and found a Gator polo and baseball hat for you but they've been busy living up to their Nike contract and putting the Gators in terrible uniforms.
I mentioned last week that I like that Urban doesn’t resort to uniform ploys and now we get hit with this. If we are going to drastically change up the uniform, lets go all orange and get it over with. But no, we end up with this Nike BS for Tebow's last home game. First it was that orange sleeve nonsense for Florida Georgia in 05 and now this. By the way I call those orange sleeve jerseys the storm trooper jerseys. Not to sound too much like a college student but these new uniforms are “gay.” The throwbacks from a few years back were awesome but for a supposedly “futuristic” uniform, these new ones are pretty bland. Why not really mix it up and hire a modern artist to air brush images onto our uniforms. We’d ask for Gator related images but knowing “modern artists” we’d end up with male genitalia painted on the front of the pants and unfortunately on the butts and near the opening of the helmets.
I haven’t mentioned uniforms too often this season but I am definitely a uniform junkie. I’ve developed a coding system to help you translate the importance of the game by what uniform we wear.
Blue top white pants: This is the “we don’t respect our opponent” attire. This can also be translated as “we don’t want our opponents to think we respect them” attire. Imagine what UT would be thinking coming into the Swamp seeing the Gators wearing blue tops and white pants. I’d be pretty disappointed if I was a Vol. “They didn’t even wear blue on blue for us. How far have we fallen?”
White top and white pants: This is our road business attire. This was quite a delicacy in the 90s when we’d only wear it on special occasions but Zook made this a common road uniform and Urban has solidified it as our standard away uniform. This uniform means no nonsense and many white supremacists may feel it represents the “purity” of the game.
Blue tops and blue pants: This is our “we need to get up for this game” attire. This is also the special occasion attire, a football tuxedo if you will. This uniform may be seen for homecoming and the final home games of the season.
White top and blue pants: this is our new special occaision road uniform. This is totally garbage as we won our first national title in this attire. We need to even the mix in the pant selection department.
White top and orange pants: This was our “hot pants” uniform. This means special occasion road game, and if you are a Bama fan it means the end of Tyrone Prothro’s career. It was a sad day, not for Prothro, but it was the last time we have seen the hot pants.
Blue tops and orange pants: It has been too long since we’ve seen this uniform combination and unfortunately it will be longer. When you see this uniform it will signal “biggest home game ever.” Expect a return of this uniform for Bama at Florida in 2011.
I don’t want to be one of those blogs that does a whole segment on football look-a-likes but I couldn’t get over how similar Vandy’s coach looks like Steve Martin. To entertain myself during the boring game I kept saying Steve Martin related things like, “It’s gotta be difficult to coach an SEC school while having 12 kids and a not-so-bangable Bonnie Hunt waiting at home.” “What a jerk,” was an obvious favorite throughout the game as well and “Bowfinger was a piece of shit movie! That’s why Vandy sucks!” was pretty good too.
If you like old movies too I’ve been noticing lately that Mickey Andrews from FSU really looks like the Lars Thorwald, the murderer in Rear Window.

The only thing Mickey Andrews’ neighbors will see out their back window is Chuck Amato and Bobby Bowden sunbathing in sequenced banana hammocks. This week’s blog is definitely turning into the “gay” blog. Last week was all about suicide and wrestling and this week…well last week was definitely gay too.
Urban Meyer was fined last week for his comments about the officials in the Georgia game. I smell set up. I think Urban did this on purpose to get the heat off the SEC for fixing Gator games. Call me crazy but Urban has been playing politics way too often this year and I wouldn’t be surprised if he went overboard with this recent incident on purpose. I’m not saying this is definitely how it is but I wouldn’t be surprised.
When I was growing up I knew this insurance salesman. For the sake of this story, let’s call him my dad. My dad was a proud guy and would get upset when people wouldn’t buy insurance from him or when they cancelled their existing coverage. My dad remembered these people. Most of these people owned their own businesses and from time to time they would go out of business. My dad would love to tell me that they went out of business because they cancelled their coverage. Would he gloat about it? Definitely. Is it a little bit twisted and spiteful? Oh yeah. Do I exhibit the same behavior based on the generational stronghold forced on me by my father? Without a doubt. As you have read in previous blogs I can hold a grudge and be spiteful to others for wrongs of the past. Ask Darrell Jackson, that punt muffing SOB. Well, when I get the most upset is when talented football players scorn UF for lesser schools. I was really upset at C.J. Spiller for picking Clemson over us and Antonio Cromartie for picking FSU. I wish them the worst and if the worst happens, I chalk it up to this really F***ed up Karma I believe in that was instilled in me by my father. That being said, Nu’Keese Richardson, I hope you’re happy up there in Knoxville. You caused such a stir with that whole recruiting violation scandal that Lane uncovered. You must be on top of the world up there. Big fish in a small pond; they probably love you so much that they just give you things for free.

Unfortunately like many stupid people, you ruined a good thing. Didn’t your mom and dad ever tell you that if you want something you should say please? No? Oh they told you that if you want something you should rob someone at gunpoint? Oh, well okay then, enjoy prison. Here’s the story. http://www.gatorsports.com/article/20091112/ARTICLES/911129967/1136?Title=Richardson-2-other-Vols-charged
Now what you’ve been waiting for this week: Cock. I love male gene…
So gay this week and I apologize. I would have loved to do my same bit from last week when I talked about “The Commodores” and actually talked about the disco group, but if I get any gayer this week I’d have to rename my blog TroyAikmanShowerScene.blogspot.com.
I’m going to actually talk about the game this week based on its huge implications. I’m scared. I know we’ve blown them out 3 years running, and I know SC is faltering, but it’s Spurrier. Period. You can’t trust him. That sounds weird but it’s like an old friend you’re going to lunch with who has wronged you before and you don’t want to get hurt again. To be more specific, it’s like when Sid Justice left Hulk Hogan hanging in that tag match against the Undertaker and Ric Flair during the Saturday Night Main Event leading up to one of the finest double-main event wrestling cards of all time. Of course we all know how it turned out at Wrestlemania VIII and the obvious parallels to the 2006 championship season are apparent Back to more hetero stuff.
This rivalry is so interesting because it arrived basically out of thin air. We dominated them every year and then all of a sudden in 2005 and 2006 we have two of the most monumental regular season games in Gator football history. Arguably the 2005 game is the worst Gator loss of all time and 2006 could be considered the greatest victory. Before the 2005 game I was kind of worried about my Gator allegiance. I loved (still do) Spurrier and I loved the Gators; I was worried I would be torn in some weird way. Believe me I wasn’t. I took that loss worse than any loss I have ever seen. Beating Spurrier in the manner we did in 2006 was at the opposite end of the spectrum as we all know. Part of me feels tomorrow’s game could be like either of those and not the blowouts of the past 3 seasons. However part of me knows that when a Spurrier coached team spirals out of control, they don’t do it half assed; they nosedive into the ground.
Based on that, I feel that the Gators will continue the recent trend and dominate but not to last year’s extent.

Game Prediction: Florida 34 SEC 6

Random Thoughts of the Week
Would we call an Asian girl wearing that now popular Alabama checkered fedora “Panda Bear Bryant?”

If you’re watching a Gator game at home with your wife and she takes a phone call right at kickoff say, “Hey honey, I’m trying to watch the game can you take that outside.” When she walks out the door, lock it and make her realize the error of her ways. See the first blog if you’re unsure of the rules. You don’t go to social events during Florida games, you don’t look Chris Doering in the eyes, and you sure as shit don’t take a phone call during kickoff of a Gator game! I definitely didn't have the balls to do this by the way. Love you, baby.

Must Watch Web
Gotta gay it up just one more time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbjNNrO8CeM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpoaC_XHVSY&NR=1

Did Bob Tebow design his wardrobe? Also, someone’s definitely got Gary Busey teeth.

Fact of the Week
If you have an “apostrophe” in your first name, you have a 75% chance of serving 10 or more years in prison. Look it up, Nu’keese.

Weekend Football Forecast
My slap in the face pick goes to Stanford over USC. The Vandy of the Pac 10 just got picked to beat the cheating Trojans. If USC played in the SEC they’d be well on their way to a losing season this year and I feel they are yet again ripe for an upset.

Last week’s record: 4-4.
Cincy over WVU, Wake over FSU, UNC over Miami, Bama over Miss St (close), TCU over Utah, Pitt over ND, UGA over Auburn, Ohio State over Iowa
Season Record: 50-42

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: Oregon
BCS Buster: TCU*
*Changed pick since last week. ND is done; thank the Catholic gods, and I don’t see Boise being able to jump enough teams down the stretch if TCU stays unbeaten.


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when I finally fail to mention that FSU lost to USF earlier this season. I’m sneaky like a snake, FSU.

The Voice of the Gators

Why the St. Johns River Flows North

I have a lot to talk about so let’s just dive right in. Did no one notice that we went 3 and 0 against SEC West opponents? This is a miracle and it’s the first time since 1998 that we dispatched of every opponent from the other side. We were so busy being whiny assholes that we never even realized how important that Miss St. win was. However we have one more showdown with the West and I don’t think it will be the rematch you are expecting.
The Cocktail Party weekend historically is crazy; so crazy it inspired a pivotal scene in the 1994 Best Picture, Forrest Gump. No this wasn’t a Bama football scene. It was the scene where Jenny is all coked up in that hotel. You thought it was Las Vegas! Oh no it was Jax Vegas! Don’t jump Jenny!
So the Florida Georgia weekend was glorious as expected and I was actually on pretty good behavior. I had to be after disclosing nagging wife details about the Cocktail Party in the previous blog. I was in the doghouse if you will. LOL! Also I’d like to congratulate my wife for not going 0 and 3 while attending the Florida Georgia game. She can continue attending the game and the marriage will hopefully stick until Riley Cooper’s baseball contract falls through and he shows up drunk at my house wearing nothing but torn Wranglers and that gold chain of his.
Tailgating was spectacular as everyone knows but the game was a bit more interesting. Our seats were good. Close enough to see Riley Cooper one hand that touchdown catch in the first half. If you were at the game, then you realize that I must have been sitting in the Georgia section. I must admit the UGA fans weren’t so bad. They were all fairly friendly and they took my overt and flagrant cockiness in stride. They also took Brandon Spikes’ fourth quarter interception for a touchdown in stride up the bleachers and out of the stadium. The Georgia faithful can no longer truly be called faithful. When your team takes a beating, you sit there and take it with them; that’s what true fans do. After we went up 14-0 I heard nothing but poor mouthing Georgia fans crying. F***ing Richt this and Mother F***ing Cox that. Prior to the game I overheard several Bulldogs already admitting defeat. Really Georgia fans? What the F*** is that about? I obviously can’t appreciate where you are coming from as I’ve had 3 miserable years in 20 and you’ve had 17. For the record those 3 miserable years were with Zook and he still beat you 2 out of 3 times. While I’m on the topic of Zook, I have a theory that he’s the Michael Scott of college football. Back to the Georgia fans.
I don’t want to make any statements about mentally challenged people but every year at this game I see a lot of retarded Georgia fans. Not drunk fans, retarded fans. I don’t know what it is exactly but my gut is telling me it’s all that cousin f***ing. I only mention this because there was a retarded Georgia fan standing in the aisle of our section. This guy was really going nuts the whole game. I don’t want to call him the retarded guy the whole time, so for the purposes of this story I’m going name him Quincy. Quincy was not only quite slow, but he was the worst type of Georgia fan. He was a woofer. Yes, we heard “woof woof woof, woof woof woof” for the ENTIRETY of the game. He didn’t just woof and bark, but he’d spout the most ridiculous shit you’ve ever heard in between his woofs. Not to continually bring up pro wrestling references, but the guy sounded like Macho Man Randy Savage. What was also quite special about his comments were that they were all in first person as if he was actually a bulldog.
“Woof Woof Woof Gators! I’m gonna get my owner to open up a can of Purina and feed it to me. But it’s not regular Purina, it’s made from Gators! Woof Woof Woof!”
Judging by Quincy the retard’s breath, I think he ate some cat shit out of the litter box shortly after his can of Purina.
Also, the Georgia fans were whining about the refs the whole game. After every single call for the Gators I heard jeers about calling it both ways. And after every call for the Dawgs I heard applause and people yelling, “It’s about time!” I can’t totally blame them however. I’d try to pass the blame onto someone else if the Gators put on novelty uniforms and then got backdoor’d by a much better team. As much as I want to see the Gators come out in the orange jerseys, I’m glad Urban is keeping it simple and not needing stupid ploys to motivate his players. Although I must say that all black unconquered thing FSU was sporting a couple years ago against BC was pretty effective. Hey, FSU, who won that game? I forget, but the Noles are doing it again by unveiling brand new Nike Uniforms for their game against Maryland later that year. FSU could add an extra player on both sides of the ball in those new uniforms and they still wouldn’t beat Florida.
Brandon Spikes made this week’s bonehead play. Dustin Doe was last week and he’s passed the torch to our defensive leader. I don’t have a huge problem with the whole eye gouging incident. The eye gouge was in the Nature Boy Ric Flair’s repertoire for decades as he won 17 world heavyweight championships so let’s not cast stones just yet. Stuff happens in the pile but Spikes did go overboard. He needed to be punished; however I don’t like Urban’s response. A half game suspension is such a joke in any circumstance. Why not make a stipulation then? Spikes will be suspended for the second half of a game where the Gators are trailing or have a lead of less than 10 points at halftime. There’s a punishment. What is the first half against Vandy really sacrificing? The suspension looked really stupid and that’s why Urban upped it to 1 game which makes him look even worse for flip flopping.
All in all it was a great weekend and the Gators won 41-17. Did I just say 41-17? No way I could have predicted the score perfectly in last week’s blog. Oh but I did. I didn’t think the game would be a total domination but we finally clicked offensively as I said we would. I have been right about a few big things this year and so I am going to brag for a few moments. I was right about USC sucking this year and the prison yard beating they took against the Ducks proves that. I’m nearly right about my prediction of FSU’s losing season. Road games against Wake, Clemson, and UF make their final stretch look very amusing for us Gator fans. Hey, to be really specific, I predicted that FSU would lose to USF. That happened. I’m feeling so good about my predictive ability that I’m thinking of predicting other important things. I’m not sure this site is ready for a celebrity death pool but if it were, and if I’m allowed to classify pro wrestlers as “celebrities,” then I’m sure I’d be right yet again. RIP Vader, you’re next. “Woof Woof Woof! It’s Vader Time! Woof Woof Woof!”
One thing that has been amazing about this college football season has been the plethora of college football programming. There are about 200 FSN channels that show college football, ESPNU has college football shows, CBS has their own college sports network, and even local news is beefing things up with Gator post game shows. College football is everywhere and in most cases that’s a good thing. One case where it’s an awful thing is FSN South’s SEC Gridiron Live. This show makes me want to hold a press conference and put a gun in my mouth. It’s that bad. It’s not 18 Kids and Counting bad; it’s park my car in the garage and leave it running bad. Their hosts can’t read their lines, David Pollock’s rather douchey, and in general the show reeks of ESPN mimicry. It’s bound to get cancelled. I don’t even think a Cassidy Hubbarth keyhole video with Les Miles and Nick Saban wearing nothing but gag balls while being tied up to a hotel bed could drum up enough interest to keep SEC Gridiron Live presented by O’Charleys on the air.
What I’m about to say is going to make several of you hate me or you’ll think I’m an idiot. Here goes. Oregon should be ranked ahead of Boise State. This is not an opinion but a fact. Boise beat Oregon but that doesn’t make them better. Was Ole Miss better than UF last year? No way in hell just like Utah wasn’t actually better than Bama last season. Who cares about fair anymore in college football? It’s never fair so why should it start now. I know I’ve ragged on USC but there is something to be said about a team being confident enough to run it up on them. In this new era of USC dominance, that type of win over the Trojans has been unheard of. For the Ducks to be that confident to slam the door on USC is impressive and shows mental toughness. If they played Boise again, they’d win handedly. If Texas and Iowa lose, the Gators beat LSU, and the top 3 teams are UF, a 1 loss Oregon, and an undefeated Boise St. team, my vote is with Oregon. Sure I’m an elitist but until Boise gets out of that colostomy bag of a conference, they don’t deserve any BCS recognition.
Guess what, FSU fans! Bobby Bowden is choosing your next defensive coordinator with input from Jimbo Fisher! Mickey Andrews just held a press conference about his retirement (that we already knew about) in the middle of the season. Something smells funny. I know I’m not the only one thinking this but this is the most transparent plot ever. Bobby reminds me of a high school boy grinning and quickly looking down both sides of the hallway as he’s about to pull the fire alarm. Bobby is going to hire Chuck Amato and Jimbo is going to deal with it for at least his first season. The deal has been cut; you can take it to the bank. Bobby didn’t like that Jimbo wasn’t going to hire that raspy-voiced-f***,Amato, so he staged a pointless press conference with Mickey Andrews to give him a reason to talk about hiring a new defensive coordinator. Everything I’ve heard about Jimbo’s new contract would give him all hiring power starting this off season so Bobby now has the opportunity to seal the deal for Chuck before Jimbo has a say. Bobby can’t let go; he has to keep Chuck in the program like his own personal puppet so he can still try to manipulate the team he lost control of when Marc Richt left in 2000. “Woof Woof Woof! I’m going to eat what’s in Bobby’s diaper! Woof Woof Woof!” Take it easy Quincy, that’s nasty.
TV Review: Friday Night Lights premiered its 4th season last Wednesday on Direct TV and they did it in spectacular fashion. I don’t want to give any details away for any fans waiting for the 2010 NBC premier but the show has not lost any momentum from last season. There are new characters replacing old ones and Landry is somehow only a senior now which makes me smile as the writers have taken several creative liberties to keep characters playing for the Panthers for the sake of the show. Key characters Tim Riggins and Matt Saracen are also back. When you thought things couldn’t get much worse for Matt Saracen, the writers kicked him in the face yet again giving this sad-faced puppy dog one more reason to cry in the shower.
My initial concern for this season was Coach Taylor’s new job at East Dillon High but the plot line hooks you in early and you’ll be rooting against the Panthers and wishing NBC.com sold East Dillon Lions shirts five minutes into the episode. If you are football fan or just love great acting and sharp writing, go rent seasons 1-3 and get ready for season 4 when NBC debuts it early next year. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose. Episode Grade: A.

Moving onto what we all want to hear about this week: The Commodores. The Commodores played a spectacular reunion concert at 2 PM last Sunday at the High Springs Armory and I was privileged enough to be in attendance. I’ve enjoyed the Commodores for the past few decades and I must say that it doesn’t get any better than when they play “Brick House” live. “Woof Woof Woof! Black disco singers are afraid of us! Woof Woof Woof!”

Game Prediction: Florida 49 Vandy 3

Random Thought of the Week
Am I the only one who scrolls through the cable channel menu on a regular basis to get excited when I see “The Game.” I’m like, “Awesome, Michael Douglas and Sean Penn in a David Fincher thriller. Lets click on it! Wait, what is this show on BET with all these people who look much darker than Michael Douglas?”

Michael Jordan’s son (I’m pretty sure that’s his full name) cost UCF a 3 million dollar apparel deal with Adidas by wearing Air Jordan sneakers in their game. This kid is just like his dad. He wears Air Jordans just like pops. The next thing you know he’ll be throwing an NBA playoff series against the Nicks to pay off mob gambling debts, change his mind after going down 0-2 and then get his dad murdered in the process. Like father like son.

Must Watch Web
Fire in the Hole! This is the second week in a row I’m referencing Daniel Tosh from Comedy Central’s Tosh.0. However on last week’s show he opened my eyes to an amazing web phenomenon known as “fire in the hole” videos. These videos are of people who order drinks and milkshakes from the drive through and then yell, “fire in the hole” as they throw them back at the cashier. So wrong yet so right.
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/24461/

Fact of the Week
84% of female Gator fans claim to be menstruating during Florida Georgia weekend.
“Woof Woof Woof! I’m going to eat whatever you put in the garbage! I mean anything! Woof Woof!” Oh Quincy, that’s over the line.

Weekend Football Forecast
My slap in the face pick goes to Connecticut over Cincinnati. I don’t really hate you, Cincinnati, but this is the best I could come up with this week. Expect UConn to be more motivated than usual on account of Cincy’s high ranking. Don’t forget that this is the unpredictable Big East and turnovers could start happening, making this game sloppier than Diana Taurasi taking a field sobriety test. Also the Huskies have had close losses all year so a season-making win over the Bearcats is definitely plausible.

Last week’s record: 6-2.
Arkansas over South Carolina, LSU over Alabama, Ohio State over Penn St., Clemson over FSU, Oklahoma over Nebraska,

Season Record: 46-38

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: Oregon*
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State
*Changed pick since last week


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when an FSU kicker drops GHB into a girl’s drink at Bullwinkles. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators