Urban Exodus

Why not put a religious spin on it? Gator fans take this shit seriously so much so that Jeremy Foley is going to start having the concessions staff serve communion at the end of every 3rd quarter next fall. I’m just kidding but you’ll see me in hell either way.
Like when Spurrier left, we are all probably taking this too seriously. It’s just a team and tomorrow it won’t really matter who our coach is. Urban has been a great one though; there is no denying that. I truly do wish Urban well. Imagine if this was really it for him. What a legacy he’ll leave if he never coaches again. He’d be the Jim Brown of college coaches; he could have done so much more but what would that really prove? I’m glad he’s leaving with us thinking, “what if he stayed 5 more years?” rather than us thinking “why didn’t he leave 5 years sooner?”
Don’t cry Gator fans this will all be exciting. We’re getting a new coach and that’s always fun despite what a huge loss this is. You could have seen this coming had you been loyally following my blog. If you recall, the post-Tennessee blog stated that this would be Urban’s final year. Now I didn’t quite say he’d have heart issues but I basically let you all know why there would be no incentive for him to return in 2010. Now that being said who are we going to hire? First I’ll tell you who we won’t hire. Charlie Strong, Ron Zook, Jimbo Fisher, Steve Spurrier and Bobby Bowden will not be offered jobs at Florida. For the record, Spurrier would dominate with JB at quarterback next year, just sayin. I said in the same blog that if Urban goes, Charlie should get the job, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more I realize that Charlie is a great coordinator but I don’t think he’s head coach material. I hope I’m wrong but something in me is telling me he won’t be a good head coach.
I think the search will really come down to 4 guys we’ll legitimately look at.

1. Bob Stoops: He’s our go-to-guy every time we need a coach. Maybe we’re his go to school when he wants more money from OU. I’m all for this hire if it happens. See my previous blog if you don’t understand why I’m all gay for Stoops. I’d love to see Stoops finish he career here.

2. Dan Mullen: I honestly think this will be our next head coach. It makes way too much sense and he’s going to be a great head coach no matter where he ends up. He’s a great face for the program, be that a baby face but a great face nonetheless. He’ll recruit well and obviously our offense will stay effective under Mullen. I’m guessing he’d like to stay at Miss St. for 3 years total but his dream job just opened up. He may not go leave so he can truly make a name for himself without Meyer. Maybe he wants to blaze his own trail elsewhere. If Mullen succeeds critics will site his predecessor.

3. Chris Peterson from Boise State: I hope to hell it’s not him but his record over the past 4 seasons has been amazing. Still I think there might be a reason that big schools haven’t been knocking down his door; his school hasn’t really beaten anyone since that Oklahoma game.

4. Randy Edsall: This guy has done a lot with a brand new program at UCONN. He’d be a great guy to come in and run things as they were and manage an already successful system ala Jimmy Johnson and Dennis Erickson at the “u” in the 80s and 90s. Man, I realize that in the moment I've totally forgotten to put a wrestling reference. Well, this transition will be like when Paul Bearer and The Undertaker parted ways. Yes the Undertaker may have suffered in the short term, but overall Paul Bearer's early direction guided The Undertaker's career, which is still going strong by the way. So yeah, I feel pretty good about the future of Gator Football based on that.

One thing I do see happening is a clean transition. Urban will supposedly still be in Gainesville after all probably overseeing a lot of things going on. I think just about any capable coach can come into Gainesville and compete for championships. I’ve heard early rumblings about Petrino as well but I wouldn’t want anything to do with this guy after the Atlanta Falcons falling out. I’m trying to rush this blog out so I haven’t had a ton of time to really think this entire thing out, but I just thought about Rich Rodriguez as well. He’s done poorly at Michigan but he could win right away with the returning team at Florida. All this being said, the Gators will get someone who is definitely not Ron Zook. A huge part of me wants Spurrier, for the record, but I know it will never happen.

Enjoy your holidays and enjoy watching the final game of this amazing era.

Until next time,
The Voice of the Gators

P.S. FSU lost to USF this season. We play them next season. We’ll beat them no matter who our head coach is.

The Decade Awards

I’ve got to be honest, I’m really scared about next year. If The Pounceys, Hernandez, Haden, and Dunlap go, we’re SOL. It could be one of the biggest downfalls in history. There have been some disappointing downfalls we’ve watched in the past century: Van Halen, the 90’s Chicago Bulls, The Mega Powers, Freddie Mercury’s t-cell count, and of course the Dungeon of Doom. Maybe I’m paranoid and Urban is indeed the real deal. If he puts 10 wins together next year, I’ll bow down and call him the greatest coach of all time. Our offense will be better next year; it has to be or we will have a losing season on our hands and I hate to be quoted on that.
What’s happened with this country? Everything is so PC now that it’s not fun to be American anymore. Whatever happened to the days when you could say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays or use the word niggardly when commenting on an African American co-workers good use of company funds? Again I mention that this is a blog written by blacks so it’s okay. Now coaches can’t touch their players. What the hell? Jim Leavitt is in trouble for roughing up one of his players in the locker room. Give me a break. Sometimes a coach has to slap a player around a bit to send a message to the team. In the 1980’s it was not uncommon for a coach to go so far as to sexually abuse his players in the locker room shower to motivate the team. There’s a reason my third grade soccer team was 8 and 0. It’s called good coaching.
I love that the Big 10 and Pac 10 are thinking of expanding. I’m not actually going to trash these garbage conferences. I love this part of college football and I think it’s so intriguing. If I were running the Pac 10, I’d add Fresno State and Utah. The Big 10 is not quite so easy. There are no real front runners. Would they draw from the Big East? Pittsburgh or Cincy would be the only fit geographically. Louisville and Iowa State are also possibilities. While I’m at it, the Big East certainly needs to expand but they’ve ruined it because of their basketball affiliations. They’re not going to draw any legitimate school that will join the conference for only football. ECU, Marshall or UCF would be good choices to expand that conference in football but unfortunately the basketball side of things is getting in the way. I’d love to change the SEC as well. I’d add UNC and Georgia Tech to the East while subtracting Vandy and Kentucky. Sorry UK but your basketball history can go stink up the ACC where the hard-court comes first.
I think Charlie Strong made a mistake. For whatever reason, I don’t see him being a great head coach. Ideally I wanted UF to pay him off as the highest paid coordinator in the business and keep this thing going. There would have been little pressure on him. Also I don’t think he made a good choice in Louisville. Kentucky is not exactly a hotbed of talent. Why is it that when I hear the word “hotbed” I think of racism? Example: Bithlo, Florida is a hotbed for Ku Klux Klan activity. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Now that I mentioned overt racism, who can forget Keifer Sutherland’s role in A Time to Kill?
While I’m mentioning poor hiring, I can’t help but think Notre Dame effed it up again. They replaced offense with offense. Call me crazy but Weis should have stayed and they should have pony’d up for a great defensive coordinator. Brian Kelly won back to back Big East titles which I guess means something but they are trying to hire the next Urban Meyer and Kelly is definitely not that. Hopefully ND doesn’t get too excited if he starts next year with a 3 loss season and then extends his contract to 10 years. That was so ridiculous; how do you justify that?
I’ve read that Tiger Woods was named the AP’s athlete of the decade. This is total bullshit as golf takes minimal athletic ability. I could understand cocksman of the decade but that’s about it. He’s certainly the best skill game competitor of the last decade but there’s not much athleticism in what he does. Athletic ability usually comes with the appearance of a man who can beat someone in a fight. Athletic ability allows men to jump extremely high and throw basketballs down through hoops. Athletic ability allows you to run through tacklers and speed down sidelines. Skill is a different story. That allows men to hit golf balls and women to play basketball. Golf does not require athleticism; it requires goofy pants and a fat ass. Thanks, Happy. That being said I’m going to give out my decade awards for best athlete as well as many other awards that are just as meaningless as the AP’s honors.

Best Athlete: Michael Vick
I didn’t say best quarterback. I’m sure Keifer Sutherland’s character from a Time to Kill might have something to say about his accuracy and mental ability to read defenses. That’s not what I’m talking about. He was by far the best ATHLETE in sports over the past 10 years. What he was able to do at the college level and then the pro level was amazing to watch. His speed, agility and unbelievable arm strength, to be quite honest, are legendary. I think he was an okay QB for the Falcons but his sheer athleticism made him a factor each week and that translated to wins for Atlanta.

College Football Coach: Bob Stoops
Yes, Big Game Bob is a big “0-for” in his BCS games since taking it to FSU. However I’m going to look past that and see what he has done overall. First off, he brought premier talent to Norman, Oklahoma. What the fuck is there to do in Norman? Okie-Noodling? He single handedly buried Nebraska’s program and owned Texas for the better part of this decade. He’s built a program that will continue to thrive for at least one more decade. Yes, Urban and Pete Carroll have more titles but Bob is still worthy. Carroll is obviously a cheater and Urban’s success is built partly off what Stoops did in Gainesville back in 96 with Spurrier. Let’s not forget that he took care of business against FSU in the 2001 Orange Bowl, voiding the Seminoles and Miami of a joint national championship. God bless you, Bob.

Best Coach of someone else's talent: Les Miles
Close second goes to Urban Meyer and Roy Williams of UNC Basketball.

Most likely not to win with their own players if given a couple more years: Ron Zook and Matt Doherty

College Football Team: The Florida Gators
This is a close pick between Florida, USC, LSU, and Texas but Florida is the only team on this list I actually respect. The Gators had early success in the decade and then have finished with five solid years. The Gators weren’t consistent, but they’re the only 2 time champ on the list who didn’t have to share a title. Plus USC swept through this decades version of the 90’s ACC, LSU didn’t really win 1 legit title, and Texas only succeeded when Vince Young was under center and scrambling on broken plays.

College Football Player: Vince Young
Let’s be honest here. Tebow was certainly great but he was never capable of doing what VY did in the Rose Bowl against USC. He should have been a Heisman winner; somehow a big showing against a pitiful Fresno State team can win you the Heisman even though your teammate has rushed for more touchdowns, cough, Reggie Bush, cough, you were paid to play college football, cough.

Documentary about ghetto ass football players of the decade: The U
Did anyone else see this last week? “It was certainly entertaining in an I’m terrified of you people kinda way,” said Keifer Sutherland’s character from a Time to Kill. I’m not very conservative but Miami in the 80’s and early 90’s was wrong. That’s really the easiest way to say it; it was just wrong. There was nothing good about that program. Zero legitimate tradition. It’s easy to fill a stadium when you’ve got a winning team that 2 Live Crew financed. What I found very amusing was that the “u” could have won several more titles had it not been for their lack of discipline. Also I find it interesting that Randy Shannon was allegedly responsible for doling out the payoffs for the players. The documentary did not specify whether this happened when he was a player or when he was a graduate assistant. Now Shannon’s hiring sort of makes sense; I guess it’s good to “reconnect” the “u” and the city of Miami to their winning ways. It’s no surprise his hiring brought the resurgence of enrolling the locals considering he was allegedly the link between the local players and their payday. Also, think of the nerve on Randy Shannon to complain about Urban Meyer kicking that field goal late in the game last year. Really, Randy Shannon? You’re from the “u.” You aren’t supposed to be a whining baby. Just keep your trap shut and let all of your talented coordinators run the show while you pay your locals to be on the field.

Movie: Crash
No explanation needed but it barely edged out The Departed. No tickie, no laundry. I was also really tempted to put Avatar here but I’ll avoid being a prisoner of the moment. However Avatar was phenomenal. I came out of the movie theater thinking, “James Cameron just made George Lucas look like this biggest chump.” The Star Wars prequels were already terrible but Avatar made them look pitiful. The special effects were mind blowing. I’m really sick of the Academy leaving out blockbusters. Now that there are 10 nominees, Avatar should be able to slide in; it’s clearly the best movie I’ve seen in a long time.

TV Show: The Wire
Just watch the show if you have not and you’ll understand why this is the show of the decade. Many consider this to be the greatest cop show of all time and I agree. Dexter comes in a close second. It’s about a serial killer in Miami. What’s not to love? Here’s hoping that next season Dexter takes out the “u’s” head football coach. His kill room will be plastered with pictures of Brian Bosworth, Barry Switzer, Bobby Bowden, Deon Sanders, and other college football greats from the 80’s that the “u” cheated victories away from.

Scumbag of the Decade: Nick Saban
Something about Nick just rubs me the wrong way. He’s a bit greasy for one. Also it’s really easy to think that he’s cheating, because he probably is. I have no proof on paper but I have all the proof I need every time I look into his eyes.
Water Skier of the Decade: Ron Zook
Did I say water skier? I meant to say worst coach with a stuttering problem.

Pro Wrestler of the decade: The 1, 2, 3 Kid
I didn’t say which decade. Also this is just my way to mention the 1,2,3 Kid. He was actually horrible but he did make a sex tape with China this decade so why not give him the accolade. Honorable mention goes to Wild Man Marc Mero/Johnny B. Badd.

Compound Fracture of the Decade: Tyrone Prothro
Honorable mention goes to Sid. By the way, Sid is a competitive softball player. How random is that? I wonder what other former wrestling greats have gone on to random careers. It’d be awesome to go to the Olive Garden and have Stevie Ray from Harlem Heat take your order. When I said Olive Garden I meant Bojangles.


Must Watch Web: I was told to put this up. It’s a bunch of UF white girls rapping and cussing a lot so that’s kind of interesting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZovqDLWXtwg

Oh, FSU fans, here’s a link you might enjoy. I’m being serious this is actually pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHf8Tc-yOuw


Random Thought of the Week: Dexter Spoiler Alert: Don’t read until you’ve seen the season 4 finale. What a way to end the season. I’m really hoping Rita isn’t dead; I’m thinking that maybe she just had the worst period of her life.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a consistent fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when a documentary is made about BYU’s crime riddled national championship season.

The Voice of the Gators

Got the Bama Blues? Blame it on this guy!

Watch out for that boat motor, Ronnie!

I guess it would be a good time to talk about Gator Basketball but I have to jump on a monster grenade first. Fucking Gators!
That feels a little bit better but it doesn’t change the fact that we got exposed by Bama, who will never play as well as they did Saturday again. Doesn’t that just piss you off? A team can be so average against a piece of shit school like Tennessee and then finally hit on all cylinders against the Gators. They stepped up big time and our linebackers looked like a couple of “twinks” getting pounded by their” bear” running backs all game long.
This is the reason why we were all so pissed off this season because we knew deep down this was probably on the horizon. How did we get caught with our pants down at linebacker and wide receiver this year? How did that happen at Florida? Tebow just didn’t have that many targets and our linebackers couldn’t handle the only 3 good running backs they had to tackle this year (all playing for Bama). You know you’re having problems when your asshole FSU buddy texts you, “Bring out the rape kit!” at the start of the 4th quarter.
I hate to compare football to something as traumatic as rape, but Tebow was certainly crying like he belonged at the bottom of a cold shower after a premeditated, parking garage pounding. I don’t mind the crying thing but he just made himself a big target for jokes unfortunately. I’m taking aim. Who woulda thought Tim Tebow would have been playing the Crimson Tide while riding the crimson wave. That same asshole FSU buddy laid that on pretty thick, vehemently telling me that the Teebs is indeed a homosexual. Yeah, I could see that (see blog on me turning on Gator qbs). To be honest I don’t know but I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t think about it. Let’s lay out all the evidence that could prove his gayness. Cries in public, check. Talks with a slight lisp, check. Pounds dudes, check (on the football field). I’m totally fine with it if he is gay; he would be an amazing ambassador for homosexuals and he’d also be a real force if he ever went to prison. I could just see him pumping up all the cons in the yard or a shower full of people after imposing his will on some Latin King or Blood. Even in prison he would make them cheer. Now that I’m thinking about it, this doesn’t at all make sense. Tim Tebow could do anything he wants. If Superman can turn back time by flying around the world, reversing the orbit of our planet, then I’m pretty sure that Fifteen can block out fantasies of him and Urban being alone in a tent on some mission trip to the Philippines. I’m making the ruling. Tim Tebow, definitely straight! Maybe.
Last week I didn’t address the whole Carlos Dunlap issue. I honestly didn’t think it would be a huge deal and I still don’t think it was the sole reason why Bama took us to pound town. Also as a writer, it’s easy and convenient to forget about thug Florida players when you’re going on a rant about the sins of Bobby Bowden’s past. Oops. During the game I started thinking, “What if Dunlap was a suspended Bama player in a game that went in our favor?” I’m pretty sure a whole bunch of good ole boy Bama fans would have loaded their pickup trucks, and sped into the inner city yelling, “Hey, it’s Carlos Dunlap! Get him!” to the first black person they saw. Bama fans, you make me sick.
As an arrogant Gator fan, I had a lot of grand ideas for the blog after our huge SEC title win over Bama. Well instead of those awesome ideas, I started thinking of ways to reference Kevin Bacon’s character from Sleepers. If you haven’t seen that movie and want to basically know what happened, here goes. Bama is Kevin Bacon’s character and the Gators are the boys. I really wanted that championship blog to be special. I was planning on composing a whole rap song about the Gator’s current best white wide receiver called, “Do the Riley Cooper.” The song was really special and it was all about his awesome hair, his great hands, and his uncanny ability to score poon. It had awesome lyrics like, “He f***ed his 3rd grade teacher in her Halloween sweater.” Now I can’t do it. I was hoping it would catch on and maybe we could record it with auto-tune but no, we had to lose. Nothing can be fun right now. Only rape jokes and self loathing for Gator fans right now.
Maybe I should try to raise the morale and try something new and innovative. Okay, the following portion of the blog will be written by legendary director and writer, Martin Scorsese. Whoa, I can’t do that. This is an N-bomb free zone. This is a blog for blacks written by blacks. I’m just joking about the whole being written for blacks thing, but it’s definitely written by blacks as you’ve clearly picked up on by now. While I’m on the topic I’ll share a quick funny story. When I saw Harry Potter 3, the one with Sirius Black, I belted out the loudest laugh ever in a quiet movie theater. When the black kid said, “Black could be anywhere,” as they were inquiring about Sirius Black, I lost it. I don’t know why but I found that to be one of the more unintentionally funny moments in movie history. It ranks right up there with every line of Brandon Lee’s dialogue in Showdown in Little Tokyo.

No Martin Scorsese blog, bummer. What will cheer us Gator fans up? Maybe a wrestling reference or two would cheer us up! I could talk about the 1992 Royal Rumble and how it’s the only Royal Rumble in WWF history whose winner was awarded the heavyweight championship (that reference obviously relating to how the SEC championship was really for the National Championship). TRIVIA ALERT: If you can email me the winner, I’ll send you a free ticket to hell. I could talk about the 1994 Royal Rumble Match, where Brett Hart and Lex Luger both fell out of the ring at the same time, needing instant replay to determine the winner of the match, as a reference to the photo finish between Texas and Nebraska. Nah. That’s not working either. I don’t know what’s going to cheer us up. Well there’s something. It rhymes with FSU losing to USF this season. We might be down but we’re not FSU. For the record I commend the WWF and their officials for their discretion and proper usage of instant replay in the 1994 Royal Rumble. Most sports historians know this is what really started the instant replay movement for the NFL, college football, and all other legitimate sports.
It’s actually really hard to be excited if you’re a Gator fan right now. Charlie Strong is leaving us, our seniors are leaving without any new championship jewelry, and there is only one game left in the season. It’s all really kind of shitty right now. During the Bama game I did start thinking for the future of Gator football. It’s very bright if we can recruit a team to foil Alabama’s style. Urban needs to recruit receivers and linebackers who can play right away, and a replacement for Brantley. I think our help on the defensive line will come with Omar Hunter stepping up at DT and our veteran backup defensive ends. I know they say Florida is the state for the best high school recruits but I want what Bama’s got right now. Their lines are just bigger and tougher. We have all the skill position players in the world in this state but Bama’s got the big uglies.
Also we need to replace Strong. We could promote an assistant or look elsewhere. I wouldn’t mind taking someone from Nebraska’s staff after seeing their defense hold Oklahoma to 3 and stifle Texas in what should have been a big 12 Championship upset. Still this season has turned out very bad. I’m disappointed with 12-1, and I’m sure all of you are too. You know what will cheer you up? Sex! Let’s all pretend we’re blue chip high school football players, drive up to Knoxville and have sex with the Orange Pride! That would cheer me up tremendously and so would probation for Tennessee. Way to run a clean program your first year, Lane. At least you don’t look like a hypocrite.
Is it any coincidence that Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino are both out of a job at the same time? These two were made for each other. How awesome would it be if they were both coaching at the same place? It would be the second greatest duo in legitimate sports history.
Finally since football is winding down, expect to hear more about Gator Basketball (huge game vs. Syracuse tonight), the NFL, the NBA, and TNA Wrestling (definitely just kidding, maybe). Speaking of the NFL, I’m definitely a big fantasy football guy. The best part of fantasy football is creating your team name. If you’re in a league, you know what this is about. It’s not about intimidation. It’s about funny. Raunchy won’t cut it. Clever in 18 characters or less is the key. That being said, I’m starting a new bit called, “The Fantasy Team Name of the Week” Send me your best team name, and the best ones will go up.

FANTASY TEAM NAME OF THE WEEK: RonZookSexParty
I mean who wouldn’t want to be invited to that. First the sex party and then the leisurely water skiing session afterwards. That sounds like a pretty good party, if you’re in a cult or were a cast member on Jaws 3. Who still water skis anyway? Ron Zook, that’s who!
Please send me your best fantasy team names and I’ll post the best one each week. voiceofthegators@gmail.com

Must Watch Web
This is a good take on what ESPN’s programming was like in the early days. I swear to God it’s not a wrestling clip.
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/ladies-bowling/1182387/


Fact of the Week
Alabama raped us in Georgia Saturday. Georgia laws are very clear on the punishment for this.

16-6-1: Rape
A person convicted of the offense of rape shall be punished by
death, by imprisonment for life, or by imprisonment for not less than
ten nor more than 20 years.

UGA fans you may want to read up on this one.


16-6-22. Incest. (a) A person commits the offense of incest when he engages in sexualintercourse with a person to whom he knows he is related either by bloodor by marriage as follows: 1. Father and daughter or stepdaughter; 2. Mother and son or stepson; 3. Brother and sister or the whole blood or of the half blood; 4. Grandparent and grandchild; 5. Aunt and nephew; or 6. Uncle and niece. (b) A person convicted of the offense of incest shall be punished byimprisonment for not less than one nor more than 20 years.


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a consistent fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when the Gators go 6 and 6 in Urban’s last season and Jeremy Foley begs to play in the Capital One Bowl.

The Voice of the Gators

P.S. “It’s called a blowjob,” in case any of you thought I forgot to mention the best quote from Sleepers.

Salute to Saint Bobby

You might be asking yourself, "Why are there pictures of Hacksaw Jim

Duggan and Nick from Family Ties at the beginning of a Bobby Bowden Tribute blog?" Well for starters, if you've ever read this blog you'll know that this will definitely not be a tribute and as for these two classy gentlemen your eyes are feasting on, well you'll just have to read a little bit more to find out.

I’ve had to mull over how I would approach the Bobby Bowden situation on this blog. For a brief second I was about to make it a bit of a tribute. I’d discuss the legacy of Bobby Bowden. This guy has a legacy right? Everyone seems to love him. Even some Gator fans will tell you that Bobby deserves all this praise and respect based on all the great things he’s done for college football. They talk about what he means to college football and how his greatness transcends the game. They say he’s a great coach but an even better man. What of the legacy you will leave behind, Bobby?
I piss on your legacy. I mock the idea that you mean something to college football. How convenient for the reporters to forget the sins of your past during your last ten years. You somehow even got a pass on the recent academic scandal. Of course you passed blame and washed your hands of it. You may be a good man but that doesn’t mean you haven’t knowingly bent, ignored, or broken the rules. Hey, a lot of people thought O.J. was a good man before he took a buck knife to Ron Goldman and turned his ex-wife into “Nearly Headless Nicole.”
You’ve obviously been embroiled with your fair share of scandals, but what I remember is how casually you could dismiss your players’ misconduct. When Steve Spurrier accused Darnell Dockett of intentionally hurting Earnest Graham, you turned it against Spurrier and claimed he was whining and making crazy allegations. “Typical Steve Spurrier.” It was completely dismissed and ignored. Here’s the footage of Dockett attempting to stomp on Rex Grossman’s hand during that same game. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSNKIzIATTg It’s not the best clip but if you watch it a few times, you can see that there’s clearly malicious intent. This was subtle but it’s how I will always remember you. Instead of actually owning up to something you or your player did, you found another person to blame. It’s like you always do at halftime of a game you are losing, you’ll blame it on your players. “Blocking and tackling.” Could the ass beating you took in the first half of the Florida game have anything to do with coaching? Could it have to do with your poor recruiting? Could it have to do with your selfishness in staying around 8 years too long? Has anything ever been your fault?
What will they say about the legacy of Bobby Bowden? You won a couple national championships, great. You won a dozen or so ACC titles which roughly translates to 1.25 SEC championships. The media loves you; you give a good interview and so I guess all is forgiven. After all, you are Saint Bobby. Still before you go off into the sunset why don’t you own up to a few things instead of always basking in how beloved you are? Take responsibility for your wrongs for once and maybe then I won’t think you’re such a piece of shit.
Not done with you yet, Bobby B. How dare you request to play your final game in Florida? Are you serious? You could have had your final game in Florida 9 years ago when Oklahoma exposed you in the Orange Bowl. That would have been a good time to quit on a local note. It was, after all, the last time you had a team that actually achieved something. That game was an indicator of things to come and how you would run the program without Mark Richt. Your early season loss to USF in Tallahassee would have also been a nice time to say goodbye.
Why do you need to play your bowl in Florida? You had your final game in the state; it was against Maryland in Doak Campbell. Everyone could have known it was your final game in state (I did) if you wouldn’t have been so selfish; you couldn’t believe that you were going to lose your power until they laid it out for you in the meeting after the Gator game. You knew this was coming and you could have actually made your decision. Your ego let you think that this whole “being awful” thing could just keep on going because you’re a “legend.” “No way they’d actually do that to me.” They did and now you have to whine about not getting an in-state farewell. Why not ask to play in the Orange Bowl or in the National Championship game while you’re trying to take things you haven’t earned. You don’t get to call the shots on bowl games; it’s not like it’s your birthday when your mom asks you what kind of cake you want. There is nothing to celebrate here. You’ve been limping your way to this point and now you’re leaving on the University’s terms. Take what bowl you deserve and own up to what a 6 and 6 record is really worth.
Well, now that you got Bobby out of the way, FSU, we can talk about your new coach. What’s his name again? Jimblow? Congratulations! You promoted the offensive coordinator who couldn’t score any points on the Gators’ starting defense. Good move. I heard Kirk Herbstreit say that FSU is ready to win right now and that he thinks Jimbo will be able to do it. No he won’t. I don’t need to line up all the facts as to why Jimbo is the mental equivalent to Mallory’s boyfriend, Nick, on Family Ties, but I will make a few points. He’s already been running the show for three years and made final calls on all of your prized recruits. If you watched FSU line up against Florida, you know that talent and good coaching are two luxuries the Noles do not possess.
There is no real need to recap what happened in that game. We dominated as we all expected. Part of me is glad that Bobby didn’t announce his decision before now as our senior class got to enjoy the best sendoff in Gator history without distraction. That game would have been as much about Bowden as it was our seniors and Teebs if he had announced his retirement earlier.
What about those uniforms? I retract everything I said about them based on one poor quality web picture. I loved them. I demand that we have one game a year dedicated to a special edition uniform. Nike definitely got it right this time and it wasn’t like we were all saying, “what the hell are they wearing that for,” like we did with the storm trooper jerseys. I don’t want new uniforms for every game, just once a year. It should be a surprise when it happens with no advanced notice unlike the FSU game. It will be like Christmas morning on a fall Saturday. If some of my Jewish readers have trouble drawing up happy or emotional feelings with that Christmas simile then let’s just say will be like having your first child. You look into that child’s eyes with amazement and just think about the benefits of the tax exemptions you will receive from having dependents.
I love the early success of Billy D and the Gator basketball team. However it is still football season. During the Zook years, it would make me sick to hear the fair-weather fans talk about giving up on football for basketball. I’m a football fan first and until the SEC championship game is complete I will only briefly mention our team. It’s no surprise that we’re doing well. We finally have some size in the front court; remember, Billy’s two most successful teams were his only teams with actual size at the 4 and 5 spots. Macklin’s a beast, and Walker is the gutsiest point guard I’ve seen at UF in a long time.
Tiger Woods created some controversy this week as we all know and I’m not going to say a thing about it. I feel it’s not our business. These guys are human. So when a guy like Rick Pitino goes raw-dog with a woman who’s not his wife on a pool table in some bar after closing time, who am I to judge. Raw-dog is a slang reference for not using protection if you didn’t know. Let’s see how many references I can come up with for not using a condom. He was shooting webs without his Spiderman suit, he took a ride on his slip and slide, he did it Hacksaw Jim Duggan Style (that guy’s old school and there’s no way he uses a rubber even on the road, HEYO! Others who I assume fall into the Hacksaw category: Dolph Lungren, Frank Stallone, Rex Grossman, Ron Zook, and Christopher Lloyd.), he attended Magic Johnson’s coaching clinic, he’s like most teenagers attending inner city high schools, he made a mess without his lobster bib, he was being a good Catholic, and of course he fed the gremlin after midnight.
Honestly I could care less about Tiger Woods. He messed up and we all make mistakes. To be honest I respect Tiger for being his own person. I actually respected him for not giving an answer to the media initially about this whole ordeal. It’s not their business. I’ve respected him for quite sometime. Just because he is part African American, part Asian and probably a million other things, he’s never used race to define himself. He is his own person and he’s never felt obligated to act one way based on his “culture.” He keeps out of political issues which I love. Who is he to comment on politics or policy? He’s an athlete, not our president.
What’s this I hear about Mark Mangino being in hot water for mistreating his players at Kansas? I’m not going to research this story because this is Kansas we are talking about and it does not deserve even my minimal effort, so I don’t know specifically what he did. I’m surprised his players are upset at him at all. He’s got to be the coolest coach ever. You know he’s gotta be taking his players to Golden Corral after practices. If I knew an onomatopoeia for heavy breathing, I’d type it here.

When did you become a Gator,

Christian Bale?

As I was at the game against FSU this weekend I was thinking how awesome it would be if Christian Bale was a Gator fan. Why did I think that? Well, maybe it happened when I taunted the FSU fans in my section by yelling, “Oh, good for you!” when they finally scored their first field goal. I want to see Christian Bale go on a rant at a Gator game. If I make a million dollars, I’m going to pay Christian Bale to go to the cocktail party with me to heckle Georgia fans. This is on my bucket list.
Finally I want to talk about our SEC championship game. I’ve heard nothing but how close this game is going to be. Why does it have to be close? Alabama has done everything they’ve needed to defeat inferior teams. They have not played a better team this year. The difference is at quarterback and we’ve got one and they don’t. We will shut down the run, we’ll score on our first few drives, and the game will be over. This is bold but I’ve visualized this game several times in my mind and I see it happening this way each time. We will make Alabama change their game plan early unlike last year. If we get up, we won’t lose the lead. I like the way our passing game looked against FSU and I see us continuing with that success with a surprisingly balanced attack in a (wait for it) easy win.
Game Prediction: Florida 31 Bama 13


Random Thought of the Week
I’m coining a term. Eating Disorder Neck (EDN): the noticeably thin neck of a woman with an eating disorder. Used in a sentence: Eating Disorder Neck became popular around the time Desperate Housewives premiered.
I’m coining another term: Eatingdisorderneckophile: someone who thinks EDN is hot. An eatingdisorderneckophile says what. What! Every morning when Sportscenter goes live with Hannah Storm! She’s definitely on my list along with the Chase Financial Credit Rewards MILF.

Must Watch Web
Hopefully the Florida/Alabama pre-game interviews with Coach Meyer and Saban match those of previous great athletic contests. Think of all the great interviews with Howard Cosell and Muhammad Ali. Sports used to be covered with such journalistic integrity and I hope the coverage before the SEC title game can match those of the past. Click below.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3zg5r_irs-natural-disasters-promo-lod-big_sport


SEC Championship Facts of the Week
The winner of this year’s SEC championship game will be the 10th winner of this game to move onto the championship game.
7 winners of this game have gone on to win the National Championship.
The Gators have the most SEC championship game appearances. Saturday marks their 10th. This is Bama’s 7th.
Florida’s SEC championship game record: 7-2. Alabama: 2-4.
Kentucky, Vandy, Ole Miss, and South Carolina are the only SEC teams to never participate in this game.
SEC East Teams are 11-6 against the SEC West in this game.

Weekend Football Forecast
Last week was my final slap in the face pick of this year. Pete Carroll, you impressed me, sir. I loved that you went deep after UCLA called timeouts while attempting to win the game. I’m all for what you did and I rescind my pick from last week as you showed me some balls. UCLA was trying to win that game so you had every right to put it out of reach once and for all. That’s what football is all about.
Last week’s record: 10-3. I was impressive last week. The only games I lost were OT games.
Oregon over Oregon State, Pittsburgh over Cincinatti in the “alright already, the Big East is garbage” game, Georgia Tech over Clemson, Nebraska over Texas (why not), and UCONN over USF.
Season Record: 75-50

Yes my picks have thrown a huge wrench into what is right with the world. If all goes as planned then you guessed it, Florida would play TCU in the BCS championship game. Let’s look at my BCS bowl predictions.

BCS: Florida vs. TCU
Rose: Oregon vs. Ohio State
Fiesta: Nebraska vs. Boise State
Sugar: Alabama vs. Texas
Orange: GT vs. Pittsburgh
After looking at these bowls I really hope I’m wrong about the upset picks this week. I’d much rather see Cincinnati get in and play Alabama and have TCU play someone like Boise. The dream title match-up is Florida vs. Texas (I’ll spare you the Wrestlemania VI reference) and that will probably happen, so here’s to hoping my picks are dead wrong. On a side note, if Cincy wins this weekend, the Rose Bowl should take them to play Ohio State in what would surely be the most embarrassing loss in Buckeye history.

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Pittsburgh*
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Nebraska*
Pac 10: Oregon
BCS Buster in a big way: TCU
* Changed pick since last week

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a consistent fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU sells out a legendary coach’s final home game. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators

Be Thankful and Hateful

This time of year is quite interesting for most Gator fans as it is filled with so much love during Thanksgiving and then so much hate and rage for the FSU game. This blog will express both sides of that coin and obviously because this is FSU, the hate should probably overshadow the love.
What am I thankful for? I’m thankful that FSU lost to USF earlier this season. I’m thankful for Eric Rhett, the most underrated Gator in our school’s history. I’m thankful for the cornucopia of sorority butt cleavage always on display at the early season home games. I’m thankful for Andrew Declercq; I’m not thankful for Lon Kruger who seemingly wanted to make the Gators his stepping stone. I am thankful he’s gone however. I’m thankful my wife has a healthy crush on Riley Cooper. Who am I fooling? I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and realized my hair was growing out and was looking close to what Riley unveils every time he takes his helmet off. Am I subconsciously trying to be Riley? I’ve already decided to get my hair cut ASAP and I have already laid the ground rules with my wife that there will be no Riley-role-play. My terms for any sort of Florida Gator Wide Receiver role play would include playing the role of a consistent player. If I’m going down this role-play path, my wife will learn the hard way what happens when she tries to steal Jabar Gaffney’s scooter. On the topic of white receivers, I’m thankful that my dad is always so hyper-critical of the white wide receivers for the Gators. I don’t know why; I figure he’d be proud of the guys but in the 90’s any time Travis McGriff caught a pass he was like, “Eh, whatever, lucky catch.” Cooper gets the same treatment. I guess in his eyes it’s like a white guy trying to do James Brown’s routine at the Apollo. I’m not sure if this is racist or not but I’m thankful for it. I’m thankful for “coach-in-waiting” scenarios. I’m thankful for the rich tradition and legacy of the Intercontinental Championship. This stepping stone to the heavyweight championship has held the company of such greats as: Rick Rude, Brett Hart, Shawn Michaels, HHH and The Mountie. I’m thankful for soft-core porn. If I were to make a movie of this Thanksgiving weekend/Florida FSU game I’d call it Butt Stuffing. It’ll be the hottest Thanksgiving/Football rental since 1993’s all male “Cowboy Rodeo 6: Troy’s Revenge.”
FSU, I really hate you in a way that is not healthy. I hate your fans, I hate your team, and not to sound too much like Ugly Kid Joe, but I hate everything about you. I remember when I was like 7 and my uncle was trying to tell me why the Seminoles were better than the Gators. He told me, “Well, Seminoles kill alligators with their spears and eat them with their tribe.” If I’m going with a metaphor to relate to football success, especially recently, I’m going with, “The Seminole, too drunk to now paddle his canoe due to a long and rich tradition with cheap alcohol (or demons if you prefer) lost his balance in waters he had no business being in, fell in and then became dinner for a 6-foot alligator.”
FSU, you are pathetic. In this rivalry, I know I’m on the right side. I know that there is no way that being an FSU fan can be a good thing. At heart, all FSU fans know the same thing. There is no argument in any department. Shall we go the academic route? Shall we go the tradition route? Dare I ask to go down the current success route.
Lets go down the fan loyalty route. I saw parts of the Maryland game; did your fans even realize that it was possibly Bowden’s last home game? The upper deck was teeming with empty seats. This was the game to make your team bowl eligible and you couldn’t fill seats. You had on your cute special edition jerseys and that couldn’t bring your fans out. Unload your entire coaching staff, FSU. Beg Marc Richt and call it a day. This is your answer but of course you’ve hitched your wagon to a guy named Jimbo. Did you not even look at the top of this guy’s resume? His name is Jimbo. Jimbo. Not Jumbo which of course would be a great nickname if you were well-endowed in high school but it’s not Jumbo, it’s Jimbo. Jumbo of course could intimidate opposing teams by wearing tight pants on game day but not Jimbo. At least hire a guy with an awesome nickname, like “Axe,” “Smash,” “Animal,” “Hawk,” or “The Repo Man.”
I hate you for several reasons. I feel that your 90’s “success” was built on only having two legitimate games each year with Florida and Miami. You were well equipped for both of those games each year and it’s not really hard to figure out why you had all of those top five finishes. Your 90’s success is like Boise State’s current success. I hope I’ve pissed you off now but you know it’s true. The ACC is still a joke but the field has caught up and Marc Richt is now at UGA. Obviously your 93 title is not legitimate and to be quite honest, had you played a real schedule in 99 you’d probably only have that 93 asterisks ridden banner up at Joke Campbell. There’s a reason your team lost 3 national title games in convincing fashion; because you weren’t really that good. The only Seminole who carries a legit championship from the 90’s is Ron Simmons, after defeating Vader in 1992 for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship. For the record, it’d be really funny if FSU recognized that championship and put up a sign in the stadium commemorating it.
What should you expect in the Swamp tomorrow? Expect an ass beating, FSU. Expect to think you’ve lost the game before kickoff. Expect to be humiliated. Expect John Brantley to outperform your starting QB in mop-up duty. Expect E.J. to throw several interceptions and expect to hear “3 and out” on all of your first half drives. Expect to see several 100 yard rushers cut through your “defense.” Expect to take some of the sod from our field to take home and create a new sod cemetery, one reserved for embarrassing road losses. Expect the usual.
I love that the Gators are trying to make it 6 in a row against FSU and even though I am confident, I always get so nervous for this game. Why wouldn’t I be? If FSU somehow pulls off a miracle, we’d have the worst loss in Gator history on our hands. I don’t know what I’d feel. It’d be humiliating. I expect FSU to be motivated but then again, the Gators have been motivated for this game every year under Meyer. This is their rivalry despite what UGA thinks. Tim Tebow grew up with this rivalry; our hatred for FSU is not lost on him. Our team realizes the implications and they’ll be ready. I also feel that FSU has yet to play a legitimate defense this season and thus I’m predicting the following score.
Game Prediction: Florida 41 FSU 0


Random Thoughts of the Week
Stereotypical pedophile attire = pleated khaki pants, tucked in polo or button down, zip up jacket, and white sneakers.
Stereotypical football coach attire = pleated khaki pants, tucked in polo or button down, zip up jacket, and white sneakers.
I think it’s time to change the fashion in college football.

Also, if Texas loses the big 12 game, and the UF/Bama game is close, there will be an SEC title rematch for the national title. Sorry, TCU, Boise and Cincinnati but the voters will not allow you in.

Must Watch Web
SNL is hitting stride and I feel that Kenan Thompson is becoming their star. 2 awesome sketches with Keenan from this week’s show:
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/what-up-with-that/1178425/
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/digital-short-two-worlds-collide-ft-reba-mcentire/1178383/

Fact of the Week
Bobby Bowden is 17-17 and 1 against the Florida Gators.
Urban Meyer is 4-0 against FSU.


Weekend Football Forecast
Alright, USC, I saved my pick for you last week and now I’m ready to drop it on you. I’m picking UCLA in your house. I don’t really care if you win or not but I’m still feeling you get way too much respect. You’ve been blown out twice and you’re still in the top 20. What’s really terrible is that no matter how you finish this year, you’ll start next season in the top 5 which makes me want to vomit.
Last week’s record: 6-4.
Cincinnati over Illinois, Bama over Auburn, West Virginia over Pitt, South Carolina over Clemson, Miss St. Over Ole Miss, Oklahoma over Oklahoma State, Miami over South Florida, Utah over BYU in Hitler’s Dream Match up, Arkansas over LSU, Kentucky over Tenn, Stanford over Notre Dame, Georgia over Georgia Tech
I’m rolling the dice big-time this weekend but I must say that this is one of the best weekends for college football in a long long time.
Season Record: 65-47

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: Oregon
BCS Buster: TCU


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU claims that post-season losses don’t count when they end the season with a 6 and 7 record after a December bowl loss. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators

The Best Part about Going 10 and 0

Is pretending that you’re excited about it. Also the best part of being 10 and 0 is that FSU is 5-5. They’d be 6 and 4 if they would have beaten USF when they played earlier this year at Doak Cambell Stadium. I love the “best part of being 10-0” line and it’s becoming somewhat of Urban’s trademark but enough of the bullshit already. At some point you need to publicly chastise your players. Whatever happened to treat your players like dirt when they win and like kings when they lose? If we’re relating football motivation to scoring ass, then Ali G said it best, “treat em rough you’ll get your muff.” The muff in this circumstance being blowout victories.
I love Tebow but John Brantley has been in the back of our mind. I 100% believe Tebow should be our starter but we all know he’s struggling. I’m not going to trash Tebow but being a Gator fan and wanting the backup quarterback to start sort of go hand in hand. Ask Terry Dean, Doug Johnson, Jesse Palmer, Rex Grossman (The Zook Year), Ingle Martin, Chris Leak, and now Tim Tebow. Spurrier has polluted our expectations for a starting quarterback and we always look toward the bench hoping to find the next Danny Wuerffel or Rex Grossman magically waiting in the wings. Before I move on I’ve noticed that I blame Spurrier for a lot of my actions. It’s like when a sex offender blames his abusive parents. Taking responsibility for your own actions is so 1980s. Excuses are what’s hot right now.
If you haven’t thought about benching Tebow for Brantley just a little bit then you’re a liar or at the very least a little bit too comfortable with our situation. I’m the worst offender of all when it comes to this. I’ve turned on UF quarterbacks more times than Ric Flair turned on Sting. Hopefully this is my only wrestling reference this week but it helps you quantify my…it helps you realize that I’m white trash, who am I fooling?
I turned on Chris Leak during his freshman year. That’s how bad I am. I still for the record know I’m right. I feel Leak needed a redshirt without a doubt. He needed that year to get prepared and actually be ready to deal with SEC speed. However if he redshirted I don’t think he would have been able to truly claim a starting spot and of course we know Zook’s job was in jeopardy after that embarrassing loss to Tennessee. You remember that game, Gaycy Clausen connected on a Hail Mary TD at the end of the first half and we all said “F**king Zook” at the exact same time as we know the game was lost. Also I was a big Ingle Martin fan; he would have been an amazing quarterback in Meyer’s spread. When Ingle got benched, I turned on Leak. A good quarterback can stand in the pocket, period. Leak in the pocket was twitchier than an epileptic meth addict doing a Michael J. Fox impression. He’s the only player I know who could sack himself. Sometimes it’d be like the invisible man was running a safety blitz. One good thing came from Leak. The deal Zook cut with Leak’s dad to get him into the program ensured him to start. We all basically know that. However Leak brought a lot of attention when he signed and guys like Jarvis Moss, Joe Cohen, Andre Caldwell and Earl Everett might not have been on board. The defensive core of that class won our national championship in 06. Leak did have 3 good games. At LSU as a sophomore, the SEC Championship Game vs Sas (lets see if that catches on, calling Arkansas, Sas), and the 06 BCS game. Then when you look at a Tebow run offense with the same exact talent the following year, you understand why we get antsy with our current starting quarterbacks.
The biggest thing I noticed against South Carolina this past week was Steve Spurrier’s visor. What the hell was the logo on that thing? It wasn’t a gamecock or the palm tree and moon logo. It might have been something military related. To be honest it really looked like a silhouette of Swamp Thing carrying a lady through the swamp. If that’s the case then I’m going to buy that visor.
One of my friends likes to give me grief about the Gators, especially when they are lucky. He told me that to win a National Championship you need luck and we got lucky with that Trattou INT. After watching Breakfast with the Gators the following day I realized that we weren’t so lucky on that play. Markihe Anderson tipped that ball. Was it fortunate, absolutely but good defense made that happen just like it’s happened all year.
It has also become much more evident that Urban only trusts a select few on offense. If your name isn’t Tim Tebow, Aaron Hernandez, Jeff Demps, or Riley Cooper, you are not going to see the ball consistently. I really think that’s a shame because we have some extremely underutilized playmakers. I personally believe that David Nelson needs to get the ball at least 5 times a game. He can actually make plays after the catch. Obviously we know how Emmanuel Moody is underutilized and just when it looked like he was going to break through with that touchdown, he got injured. I was thinking all game long, “Why doesn’t Moody get the ball? If we could just get Emmanuel in space, we’d be able to fix our redzone problems.” Did you catch the soft-core porno reference? One major positive I saw was that Ommarius Hines saw a few balls and he made some nice plays after the catch. We have the personnel to be better than we are playing; we don’t have Murph or Harvin but we have the guys to better than we are now. Get Hines, Nelson and Moody the ball more. If you give the ball to 21 on the right play, you’ll get Emanuel in space.
If you watched the game then you saw the Enterprise car rental commercial. I’ve seen it a million times before but that was before I had my open forum to discuss things that bother me. You know this commercial. This young “couple” is packing for a trip and the woman (who’s probably not the wife because she’s obviously an immoral whore) asks her boyfriend (or pimp) if she should pack the red or black lingerie. He says both. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure this was just a John and a pro he hired for the weekend, in fact I’m positive. How this whore and client relate to renting a car is beyond me but I feel this is just the start of a deluge of whore-related commercials. Now that I’m talking about whores and commercials I can’t help but think about the scene from Dirty Work where Norm and Artie stash whores in the trunks of the Cadillacs during the live commercial during the Saturday Movie Matinee.
I’m just kidding about acting disgusted; sex sells and we all love it. Look at that Chase Rewards commercial where that milf uses her husband’s reward points to buy that dress. Guys, you all know the commercial I’m talking about. The one where you think if you were the husband you’d make her beg for mercy and promise to never use your hard earned points again. Then the consequences ; the little lady and her new dress will be taking a trip to “Poundtown.” Poundtown was a reference stolen from Tosh.0; if you’re not watching, you’re truly missing out. You might be thinking, oh man this guy is in trouble with his wife. You bet. But I’m throwing some honesty out there. She has her list and Riley Cooper’s at the top. What do I have? The Appliance Direct lady and my denial of finding Kristin Stewart attractive any time my wife interrogates me about it. No one can take the Chase Financial Milf off my list. She’s stayin. Poundtown.
That brings me to our first ever fan mail contest. I’ve slowly but surely had fans email me and it seems like my blog is getting passed around more and more each week (more than your daughter if she’s a first year at FSU, but that’s still a lot). Still you need to keep it going. I’ve been so busy at work I’m hardly finding time to do this blog every week. I want to make this my work so I need fans and a following. That being said, you know you’ve made it when you have fans in prison. Yes, prison. That is what the contest is all about. I already have a few people who claim to be my biggest fan. I love you, Mom and my web stalkers, but I want to know which of my fans has the biggest sentence. I’m a voice for the Gators for sure, but I’m a voice for all Gators. White, black, brown, Mexican, young, old, tan, pale, the brilliant, the dumb, the blonde, the bald, the gay, the straight, the fair-weathered, the loyal, the well endowed, and the Chinese. All means all including the incarcerated. I liken this to when Johnny Cash played at Folsom Prison.

Voice of the Gators Prison Fan Contest

Contest Rules: Must be in prison to apply. Between now and the end of the BCS games I will be accepting entries. All prisoners must email me the following: your picture with Gator gear or doing a Gator pose in prison (non-negotiable), the year you graduated from Florida State, the year you became a fair-weather fan, the terms of your sentence, any prison gang affiliations, how you got caught, and why you deserve to be VOG’s biggest fan in prison. I will also accept prison guards but to be eligible you must be in a photo with a prisoner doing a Gator pose or wearing Gator gear. The prisoner may be unconscious after a severe beating you have just administered.
Entrants will be disqualified for, photos in the shower, photos during a prison riot or beating, photos while you are being raped or raping an inmate, or any other Sister-like shenanigans.
Winners will be notified via email and will have their picture posted on the blog after the Gators win the BCS championship. Winner will also be invited to have a live web chat with the Voice of the Gators in which the transcript will then be posted on a future blog. Winner will not receive the address or any personal information from the Voice of the Gators. Winner will not receive a lesser sentence. Winner will not get any help in fighting off the black gang you’ve agitated by joining the Arian brotherhood.
I know I’ve made jokes but I honestly think this is a unique contest and as I’ve said I’m the voice for ALL Gators and if you do post an entry, I will not mock or make fun of your situation. I simply think this is a very unique experience to get a typically unheard voice out to the public in a creative way.
That being said, if you’ve got an uncle who loves the Gators but loves arson even more and is serving hard time, please pass this along to him.
Enter now! What have you got to lose? You’re in prison.
Email entries to Voiceofthegators@gmail.com
That brings us to FIU. I encourage you to actually show up and fill the stadium up, Gator fans. I’m a fan of the escorts (formerly cupcakes, read early blog on cupcakes if you’re confused) but I don’t like it after we’ve already completed the SEC schedule. What’s the point? I know I’m proud that we can actually sell these games out but let’s face it. Everyone’s calendar has been marked for FSU and Tebow’s final home stand for weeks. I really feel that Tebow needs to get a microphone and make some sort of speech at mid field at the end of that game. If it’s half as good as what Rocky did with the Soviets at the end of Rocky IV then every FSU fan in the Swamp will be cheering for Fifteen. I’m so excited for that game that I’m actually wasting good blog material for next week. That being said I really want to reiterate that I want the Gators to score 100 points on a team. It’s possible and I know its terrible sportsmanship but who wouldn’t want to watch that? I do it all the time playing NCAA on Playstation. I know FAMU knew I was going to beat them, but were they expecting 200 points. If you don’t like it, FAMU, go ahead and write a complaint letter to the good people at EA Sports and ask them why they allowed me to have fifteen minute quarters.

Game Prediction: Florida 62 FIU 10

Random Thought of the Week
I’m really hoping I don’t get my family murdered over this whole prison contest thing. LOL, it’s all in good fun until Kiefer Sutherland’s character from Eye for an Eye shows up.

Must Watch Web
A little bootlegged batch material.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH_oLVhuSZA&feature=related

Fact of the Week
Charlie Weiss has 25 losses in his first five years as Notre Dame’s head coach. That’s one loss per 10 pounds …when he was in the 4th grade.

Weekend Football Forecast
Hey, USC, way to finally live up to the billing I gave you at the beginning of the year. Oh wait, this is the third time you’ve lived up to it. I predicted the Washington, Oregon, and Stanford losses. Pathetic. I haven’t even looked at the schedule yet and I’m not sure who you are playing but I’m predicting a loss again because you’re a joke. The pollsters proved how pathetic they are when you were ranked in the top 10 after your first loss. Oh I totally looked at the schedule and you’re not playing; looks like you’re off the hook. I’m not even going to pick anyone else. I’m holding out for you; consider this a slap in waiting which is way more effective than a coach in waiting.

Last week’s record: 9-1.
UCONN over Notre Dame, FSU over Maryland (reluctantly and I’ll probably be wrong as backup quarterbacks usually only play well in that first game and then falter), Ohio State over Michigan, Miss St. over Arkansas (hoping more than thinking), Ole Miss over LSU, Tennessee over Vandy in a war, UGA over Kentucky, Stanford over Cal, Oklahoma over Texas Tech
Season Record: 59-43

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: Oregon
BCS Buster: UCF*
*by buster I mean go f*** yourself, UCF. I still like TCU for the BCS.


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU actually wins a game wearing novelty uniforms. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators

Cock Talk (The Gay Blog)

Don’t get too excited about the title, ladies. I have a few issues to talk about first. First off, do you think Bob Tebow gets his clothes out of a dumpster? I understand that you are very conservative and Christian but where in the Bible does it say you’re not allowed to own a mirror? Have you looked at yourself lately? Do you get a sneak peak before you walk out the door on game day? You look like a Farside comic in human form. I’m not sure about the look you’re going for during the games. If I had to describe it I’d call it “asshole vogue.” You look like John Wayne trying to fit in during the early 90’s Starter Jacket fashion Craze. I’m surprised UAA hasn’t been on this and found a Gator polo and baseball hat for you but they've been busy living up to their Nike contract and putting the Gators in terrible uniforms.
I mentioned last week that I like that Urban doesn’t resort to uniform ploys and now we get hit with this. If we are going to drastically change up the uniform, lets go all orange and get it over with. But no, we end up with this Nike BS for Tebow's last home game. First it was that orange sleeve nonsense for Florida Georgia in 05 and now this. By the way I call those orange sleeve jerseys the storm trooper jerseys. Not to sound too much like a college student but these new uniforms are “gay.” The throwbacks from a few years back were awesome but for a supposedly “futuristic” uniform, these new ones are pretty bland. Why not really mix it up and hire a modern artist to air brush images onto our uniforms. We’d ask for Gator related images but knowing “modern artists” we’d end up with male genitalia painted on the front of the pants and unfortunately on the butts and near the opening of the helmets.
I haven’t mentioned uniforms too often this season but I am definitely a uniform junkie. I’ve developed a coding system to help you translate the importance of the game by what uniform we wear.
Blue top white pants: This is the “we don’t respect our opponent” attire. This can also be translated as “we don’t want our opponents to think we respect them” attire. Imagine what UT would be thinking coming into the Swamp seeing the Gators wearing blue tops and white pants. I’d be pretty disappointed if I was a Vol. “They didn’t even wear blue on blue for us. How far have we fallen?”
White top and white pants: This is our road business attire. This was quite a delicacy in the 90s when we’d only wear it on special occasions but Zook made this a common road uniform and Urban has solidified it as our standard away uniform. This uniform means no nonsense and many white supremacists may feel it represents the “purity” of the game.
Blue tops and blue pants: This is our “we need to get up for this game” attire. This is also the special occasion attire, a football tuxedo if you will. This uniform may be seen for homecoming and the final home games of the season.
White top and blue pants: this is our new special occaision road uniform. This is totally garbage as we won our first national title in this attire. We need to even the mix in the pant selection department.
White top and orange pants: This was our “hot pants” uniform. This means special occasion road game, and if you are a Bama fan it means the end of Tyrone Prothro’s career. It was a sad day, not for Prothro, but it was the last time we have seen the hot pants.
Blue tops and orange pants: It has been too long since we’ve seen this uniform combination and unfortunately it will be longer. When you see this uniform it will signal “biggest home game ever.” Expect a return of this uniform for Bama at Florida in 2011.
I don’t want to be one of those blogs that does a whole segment on football look-a-likes but I couldn’t get over how similar Vandy’s coach looks like Steve Martin. To entertain myself during the boring game I kept saying Steve Martin related things like, “It’s gotta be difficult to coach an SEC school while having 12 kids and a not-so-bangable Bonnie Hunt waiting at home.” “What a jerk,” was an obvious favorite throughout the game as well and “Bowfinger was a piece of shit movie! That’s why Vandy sucks!” was pretty good too.
If you like old movies too I’ve been noticing lately that Mickey Andrews from FSU really looks like the Lars Thorwald, the murderer in Rear Window.

The only thing Mickey Andrews’ neighbors will see out their back window is Chuck Amato and Bobby Bowden sunbathing in sequenced banana hammocks. This week’s blog is definitely turning into the “gay” blog. Last week was all about suicide and wrestling and this week…well last week was definitely gay too.
Urban Meyer was fined last week for his comments about the officials in the Georgia game. I smell set up. I think Urban did this on purpose to get the heat off the SEC for fixing Gator games. Call me crazy but Urban has been playing politics way too often this year and I wouldn’t be surprised if he went overboard with this recent incident on purpose. I’m not saying this is definitely how it is but I wouldn’t be surprised.
When I was growing up I knew this insurance salesman. For the sake of this story, let’s call him my dad. My dad was a proud guy and would get upset when people wouldn’t buy insurance from him or when they cancelled their existing coverage. My dad remembered these people. Most of these people owned their own businesses and from time to time they would go out of business. My dad would love to tell me that they went out of business because they cancelled their coverage. Would he gloat about it? Definitely. Is it a little bit twisted and spiteful? Oh yeah. Do I exhibit the same behavior based on the generational stronghold forced on me by my father? Without a doubt. As you have read in previous blogs I can hold a grudge and be spiteful to others for wrongs of the past. Ask Darrell Jackson, that punt muffing SOB. Well, when I get the most upset is when talented football players scorn UF for lesser schools. I was really upset at C.J. Spiller for picking Clemson over us and Antonio Cromartie for picking FSU. I wish them the worst and if the worst happens, I chalk it up to this really F***ed up Karma I believe in that was instilled in me by my father. That being said, Nu’Keese Richardson, I hope you’re happy up there in Knoxville. You caused such a stir with that whole recruiting violation scandal that Lane uncovered. You must be on top of the world up there. Big fish in a small pond; they probably love you so much that they just give you things for free.

Unfortunately like many stupid people, you ruined a good thing. Didn’t your mom and dad ever tell you that if you want something you should say please? No? Oh they told you that if you want something you should rob someone at gunpoint? Oh, well okay then, enjoy prison. Here’s the story. http://www.gatorsports.com/article/20091112/ARTICLES/911129967/1136?Title=Richardson-2-other-Vols-charged
Now what you’ve been waiting for this week: Cock. I love male gene…
So gay this week and I apologize. I would have loved to do my same bit from last week when I talked about “The Commodores” and actually talked about the disco group, but if I get any gayer this week I’d have to rename my blog TroyAikmanShowerScene.blogspot.com.
I’m going to actually talk about the game this week based on its huge implications. I’m scared. I know we’ve blown them out 3 years running, and I know SC is faltering, but it’s Spurrier. Period. You can’t trust him. That sounds weird but it’s like an old friend you’re going to lunch with who has wronged you before and you don’t want to get hurt again. To be more specific, it’s like when Sid Justice left Hulk Hogan hanging in that tag match against the Undertaker and Ric Flair during the Saturday Night Main Event leading up to one of the finest double-main event wrestling cards of all time. Of course we all know how it turned out at Wrestlemania VIII and the obvious parallels to the 2006 championship season are apparent Back to more hetero stuff.
This rivalry is so interesting because it arrived basically out of thin air. We dominated them every year and then all of a sudden in 2005 and 2006 we have two of the most monumental regular season games in Gator football history. Arguably the 2005 game is the worst Gator loss of all time and 2006 could be considered the greatest victory. Before the 2005 game I was kind of worried about my Gator allegiance. I loved (still do) Spurrier and I loved the Gators; I was worried I would be torn in some weird way. Believe me I wasn’t. I took that loss worse than any loss I have ever seen. Beating Spurrier in the manner we did in 2006 was at the opposite end of the spectrum as we all know. Part of me feels tomorrow’s game could be like either of those and not the blowouts of the past 3 seasons. However part of me knows that when a Spurrier coached team spirals out of control, they don’t do it half assed; they nosedive into the ground.
Based on that, I feel that the Gators will continue the recent trend and dominate but not to last year’s extent.

Game Prediction: Florida 34 SEC 6

Random Thoughts of the Week
Would we call an Asian girl wearing that now popular Alabama checkered fedora “Panda Bear Bryant?”

If you’re watching a Gator game at home with your wife and she takes a phone call right at kickoff say, “Hey honey, I’m trying to watch the game can you take that outside.” When she walks out the door, lock it and make her realize the error of her ways. See the first blog if you’re unsure of the rules. You don’t go to social events during Florida games, you don’t look Chris Doering in the eyes, and you sure as shit don’t take a phone call during kickoff of a Gator game! I definitely didn't have the balls to do this by the way. Love you, baby.

Must Watch Web
Gotta gay it up just one more time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbjNNrO8CeM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpoaC_XHVSY&NR=1

Did Bob Tebow design his wardrobe? Also, someone’s definitely got Gary Busey teeth.

Fact of the Week
If you have an “apostrophe” in your first name, you have a 75% chance of serving 10 or more years in prison. Look it up, Nu’keese.

Weekend Football Forecast
My slap in the face pick goes to Stanford over USC. The Vandy of the Pac 10 just got picked to beat the cheating Trojans. If USC played in the SEC they’d be well on their way to a losing season this year and I feel they are yet again ripe for an upset.

Last week’s record: 4-4.
Cincy over WVU, Wake over FSU, UNC over Miami, Bama over Miss St (close), TCU over Utah, Pitt over ND, UGA over Auburn, Ohio State over Iowa
Season Record: 50-42

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: Oregon
BCS Buster: TCU*
*Changed pick since last week. ND is done; thank the Catholic gods, and I don’t see Boise being able to jump enough teams down the stretch if TCU stays unbeaten.


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when I finally fail to mention that FSU lost to USF earlier this season. I’m sneaky like a snake, FSU.

The Voice of the Gators