UF Football: 0 Arrests Since Tuesday

Our program is a train wreck. I honestly don’t care about the arrests. They’re a black mark and will hurt us with some recruits. Also I’d like to just say up front that I am a hypocrite and I will go off on another program’s sketch balls when they F up (see my Nu’Keese blog from last year). Expect me to turn the blind eye; it’s what Gators do. We take our cues from the top of the program, or at least that’s what the newspapers want you to think.
It’s no surprise these players are getting tossed in the slammer. These kids are commodities. They are worshipped by some, babied by many, and thus enabled. In their minds, they can do no wrong, and we deal with it. It’s the price we pay for the premier athlete with a premier ego. I’d like to say it hasn’t been awful under Urban. I could pretend there haven’t been guns, stalking, death threats, dead girl’s credit cards stolen, and a mixed race BJ video. But we have.
In writing this section I started thinking about legal nicknames for Urban. I thought about Urban of Mayberry, which doesn’t really fit but then I thought…they should make a movie for Andy Griffith. They need to amp it up like they do with every TV show turned movie. Honestly I hope they just keep the character names and then just go all Miami Vice with it. I want to see Opie get kidnapped, Aunt Bee naked, Goober kill someone while drunk driving, Floyd the barber slice someone’s throat with a shaving razor, Barney get investigated for embezzling and or having Babik-like material on his computer, and Andy blow some crack fiend’s head off because Ernest T Bass dared him to.
Despite our ugly tradition of breaking the law, we have legitimate college football traditions at UF. Mr. Two Bits, Gator Growl, We are the Boys, It’s Great to be a Florida Gator, The Cocktail Party etc. The tradition of Mr. Two Bits is great because a great man decided he wanted to support the Gators when no one else would. He didn’t just copy another school or an older tradition. He is an original, a Gator treasure. So if you are the parents of the kid who has been impersonating Mr. Two Bits in the stadium the past two seasons, listen up. Your kid isn’t Mr. Two Bits. Have him sit in his seat like the other kids who don’t actually know shit about the game or originality and leave the costume at home. I understand you probably thought it was so cute when he had the initiative to be Mr. Two Bits for Halloween last year. Great. You should have taken his picture and sent it to all of your other fat-women-friends at work and left it at that. You didn’t. Your son, like all of the other drunken frat assholes who have impersonated Mr. Two Bits is just that, an asshole. Next week when he comes around to my section, this Gator fan won’t be standing up and hollering, he’ll be throwing his Italian Ice. Note: If this kid has the express written consent of Mr. Two Bits, I take it all back, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Last week my wife finally read one of this season’s blogs. “You sound like a douche bag” she told me. She was specifically talking about my rant on America. Let me clarify, I love America but I hate PC America. Who is making all of these unspoken rules that in my opinion are softening the ideals that make America great? It’s the land of the free and the home of the brave. Free and brave have nothing to do with hyper-sensitivity and coddling. Now because of PC America we’re not supposed to call it the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party and OU and Texas aren’t supposed to call it the Red River Shootout anymore. To hell with that. I’m taking a stand and it starts now. I’m going to start renaming things to be completely un-PC. This is a decree from the Voice of the Gators. Any team in any of the women’s sports that wins multiple championships in a short span of time will not be referred to as a dynasty, but a VAGYNASTY.
VOG 1. PC America 0.

So, obviously if you are one of the fifteen loyal readers of this blog, you’ll know that I have not retired. We beat USF. I called my shot. Was I losing my mind during the first 28 minutes? Absolutely. That first half had me unbelievably frustrated but never worried. We’re stocked on both sides of the ball and we would never let ourselves lose to such an inferior opponent. FSU was playing USF last year with comparable talent to the Bulls. FSU, that’s something you’re simply going to have to admit to yourself. A premier program does not get their doors blown off by a team coming off of a 5 loss season. I predicted in week 1 that the OU game would be the game that ended your relevance. I stand by what I said. The only legitimate teams you have played over the past 5 years are the Gators and now OU. You’re winless against quality. If you were planning on counting Va Tech as a legitimate program, well let’s see how that that works out for you and Boise State. Since I’m so successful at calling my shots this year, here are a couple more predictions. Boise State will not go undefeated this season and the Gators will land on probation within the next ten years. I pray this doesn’t happen but we’re in the news for the wrong reasons way too much lately.
In creating these blogs I obviously have to Google a ton but I also watch hours and hours of college football TV on ESPN. After my third week of the same shows, I started picking up the commercial patterns. Judging by the commercials I’m seeing, ESPN does not have a high opinion about their college football viewers. Every other commercial is for an “As Seen on TV” product. If I have to watch another commercial for the Sobakawa Pillow, the commemorative 911 silver coin, the Shake Weight for Men (keep the Shake Weight for Women ads coming), the Shed Vac, or Slim T’s, I’m going to really throw my Italian Ice at the Two Bits Kid (not really).
One legitimate commercial I have been seeing is for Doritos. They’re marketing a new flavor called Late Night Cheeseburger. The commercial goes like this. It’s a hot girl riding in a cab eating these Doritos. Right off the bat I’m thinking, what kind of trashy whore eats Doritos as a snack. If your girl is a Doritos fan, your parents also probably think she’s a whore. To quote the Green Goblin, “Do what you need to with her then broom her fast.” So anyway, she finishes her cab ride and her bag of Doritos and then walks into the club. Am I the only one totally grossed about by this Doritos-eating slob? After a long night of drinking and Dorito eating, God help the man who has to smell her breath, or worse yet, one of her BMs.
My timing for toilet humor is good. This weekend, the Gators are traveling to Neyland Stadium, an overrated dump of a stadium. A few years ago I would have been worried about a trip to Rocky Top, but Urban has changed things. Aside from Zook’s two losses to UT, The Gators have quietly put the Vols next to UGA on our bitch list. We’re going for six in a row which is amazing. You may love or hate Urban; either way it’s no coincidence that our three biggest rivals are currently on the downside of success. Before the year I was worried about this game. Last week was a best case scenario for us heading into our SEC opener. We fixed our problems in the second half and the Vols fell apart. Like FSU, they don’t have the players to hang with us and I actually anticipate us having a good first quarter for once. We didn’t show our whole offense against our first two “escorts” so expect JB to open things up down field. Expect Burton and Reed to see more PT at QB in Tebow-like situations and expect Demps to continue his success against an unconfident defense. If I’m completely wrong, then expect Janoris Jenkins and our defense to win it for us. Ultimately, they will be the identity of the team this year. They set the tone for our offense. Our offense was nervous in weeks 1 and 2 and big defensive plays boosted their confidence. After two shaky weeks, the offense now knows the D will bail them out so they should be much more relaxed. Note: Janoris Jenkins is our best player and we should push him for Heisman.

Prediction: UF 38 UT 13

Random Thoughts of the Week
I want to start a new game show called, “Guess My Race.” The first person on the show will be Gator running back Emanuel Moody. The contestants would look to the audience for help and of course the audience would scream, “Navajo! Definitely some sort of Asian! Black black black. Eskimo!”

I hated Nick Saban until I saw the new College Gameday commercial where he eats the Little Debbie oatmeal sandwich off the ground. Genuinely funny.





What I had to Google this Week for the blog

Vagynasty
UF versus UT all time record
Chris Rainey Text Messages
Emanuel Moody Race
Late Night Cheeseburger
Do they use the Sobakawa pillow in “Oriental Massage Spas?”
Local Oriental Massage Spas close to my house

Facts of the Week
The Florida Gators have won 13 of the last 17 games versus Tennessee.

Weekend Football Forecast

Slap in the face pick
BYU over FSU. BYU sucks so I know this isn’t a guarantee but it just wouldn’t feel right to pick FSU over anyone, yet alone against a whole bunch of un-athletic pasty whites.

UGA over Arkansas (a must win or Richt’s gone)
Nebraska over Washington
MSU over LSU
Auburn over Clemson
ND over Mich St.
Iowa over Arizona

Last Week’s Record: 8-3
Season Record: 13-7
2009 Season Record: 59-43

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS: Nebraska
SEC: Florida
ACC: Miami
Big East: UConn
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Nebraska
Pac 10: Oregon State (Oregon looks sexy but I’m sticking with OSU)
BCS Buster: TCU unfortunately


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog or when Chris Rainey ends up playing for Auburn or when next season starts and FSU again claims they are back. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators



USF 17 FSU 7, September 26, 2009
We will always remember.

I still Blame Al-Qaeda

Had our game against Tennessee in 2001 not be postponed, things in Gator Nation would be so different. I guess I’m playing the “what if” game again but I want to really think about it. Should they have cancelled that game? It’s debatable and for the record I felt they should have played. America honestly needed a break that Saturday and had they played, the Gators would have beat the Vols. We may have even gone to Auburn later that year and won with a little extra experience heading in. Maybe we beat Miami in the Fiesta Bowl, and maybe we don’t but I get the feeling Spurrier would have stuck around. Had they played that Saturday, Florida would have again embarrassed LSU in the SEC title game and the legend that is Nick Saban would be fiction. If they played that Saturday, I would have gone, just like I will go tomorrow.
Am I at all concerned about my safety, sure? Amidst the potential Quran burning and the possibility of a terrorist threat, who wouldn’t be? I know people who have sold their tickets, which is completely understandable. Guess what though. We’re all going to die at some point. It might not be today, or tomorrow but it's going to happen. I really don't think there's anything to worry about tomorrow, but if I could pick where I take my last breath, Florida Field doesn't sound like such a bad option. God Bless America, Go Gators, report any suspicious behavior, Georgia Sucks.
The only people who need to be concerned tomorrow will be wearing USF Jerseys. It’s a win and that’s all there is to it. I guarantee it. If USF beats Florida, I will shut this blog down forever. I’ve signed the contract; it’s in writing. If the Bulls beat the Gators this Saturday, I quit. Consider this game a retirement match for me. Like the Nature Boy Ric Flair and other greats who have lost retirement matches, I’m a man of my word. There’s no way I can come back. The contract is signed and notarized. Just like in any good retirement match, I won’t simply put my career on the line for nothing. What will USF and their pathetic followers have to risk? If they had some sort of title, it would be a title vs. career match. If they had long hair it could be a hair vs. career match. If they were pregnant, they could put the baby on the line. This would be easy if there was a USF blogger people actually read that I could challenge. However USF is pathetic and so this retirement match is one man, nay one voice, against a big group of nothings (when I say they are nothings, I don’t mean they are like The Nothing from The Neverending Story. Only one person actually stood up to The Nothing. The Boy.).

To put it lightly, I’m confident. We will handedly beat USF. Last week we had one problem which spawned our troubles. If we didn’t have snap errors, we would have looked impressive. Those of you calling for Addazio’s head, just hang on for a few weeks. Last year wasn’t pretty and neither was Saturday but think about it. In 2008 our offense was very impressive but who was Tebow passing it to? He was throwing to Murphy and Harvin without a doubt the two best receivers in that draft. Last year was a talent issue, not Addazio’s total fault. And lets be real, last year’s offense was the Gators’ 8th highest point output ever. The guy’s not so bad. Give him half a season and see how things shape up. We were actually good in the red zone the two times we were there last week so that’s a step forward.
Who cares about the offense as long as our D keeps looking that good? Terrell Austin seemed to have a great scheme. Miami just quit trying to run and thus it was pick city all game long. Despite our lone shining spot, the game as a whole was ugly and obviously if that happens against USF, we’ll only win by 21. Yes, I’m saying we could put the ball on the ground 9 times, 1 more than last week and still get the “W.” USF, I hope you don’t mind me talking to you in the first person, but to be honest, you’re quite the joke. You beat FSU, hooray. Do it for 7 years in a row and make it look like you played Vandy each time (I count 03). Should we really even classify the Big East as a conference? We took the best of you in the Sugar Bowl and exposed you for what you really are. Like the Joker did with Harvey Dent.

Game Prediction: Florida 45, USF 7

So a lot has happened since my last blog, and I want to tell you all about it. First of all, I need to tell all of you something that is my opinion but I’m going to state it as fact. I now feel that my blog is the best blog in the country again. A long time ago my blog was the best and then because of poor management over the years and a general lack of talent it declined. But now it’s definitely back. A new guy is running it, well sort of. He’s been here for four years now but somehow he’s got things back on track. Take my word for it; the blog is back and better than ever.
What assholes would have to talk themselves up like that?

NEWSFLASH: FSU is Back…
Because that’s what they've been telling everyone since WVU took a dive in the Gator Bowl. Why has anyone believed it simply because they keep telling us they are good again? They went up in the rankings because they beat a D2 school. Are you serious? Mike Tyson and company were letting us all know how he was in the best shape of his life before he flat out embarrassed himself before retirement. This is no different. FSU is letting everyone know that it’s different now because that’s what they have to say. How else are they going to con kids into wasting 3 to 5 years of their life? What else are they telling these kids? You’ll get to play running back even though you’re 6’2, slow as hell and rated as one of the best defensive players in the country. Something like that I’m guessing. If FSU is back then so is Steve Guttenberg because I’m sure he’s telling a whole lot of people how Police Academy 14 is going to be the next Hangover. Don’t mess with the Goot. I still like Oklahoma by an embarrassing amount in the Viper Room Bowl.
So apparently you can be retarded and have a vote in the AP poll. Boise State has 8 first place votes? I’m still a bit baffled by this. Really? They’re 3 and the Gators are 8? Okay. Did any of those 8 people watch as Virginia Tech handed Boise that game? Did anyone see how VT was clearly superior? VT is a guaranteed 2-3 loss team every year and somehow a close win over the Hokies is this big crowning achievement for the Broncos. I honestly feel like I’m taking crazy pills over this whole Boise State thing. No one in their right mind thinks they could run the table in the SEC. If any of those 8 voters really believe they could, they don’t deserve a vote. I don’t think they could run the table in the ACC. I honestly think it goes back to our country being soft. We have to baby everyone and fix every problem and make up for our wrongdoings. Some of these analysts and voters are afraid not to support BSU for fear of being called football racists. It’s like there’s a football civil rights movement going on. Now TCU is getting tossed up there too but why? Because they are actually the fourth best team in the country? I’m by no means an expert but if you read my blog last year, you know I predicted USC, Ole Miss, LSU and FSU to be garbage despite what others thought. Take my word for it; Boise State is just playing their blue turf race card. Hopefully that doesn’t offend anybody. I’m really walking a fine line in this blog trying to be PC. It’s not like I had a “Boise State should drink from their own water fountain” joke. That wouldn’t have been appropriate at all.
So Reggie Bush will lose his Heisman. It should definitely go to Vince Young now, but what a shame for USC. I’m pretty sure The Trojans have the only two Heisman winners who won’t be invited to the ceremony next year. How awesome would it be to see The Juice up there next to Wuerffel clapping it up for this year’s latest sophomore winner? What’s next for the other USC Heisman winners? Marcus Allen, Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart might pose for the sequel to the lemon party.

So last week I disclosed the list of things I had to Google during the course of creating the blog. Well Blogspot (“Blogspot” kind of looks like Bloodsport if you read it fast) is now giving stats and showing what people have Google’d to find my blog. Here is a brief list of some of the popular search queries.

Holly Rowe
Mountie
Voice of the gators
Tugboat wrestler
Frank beamer face
Wayne from the wonder years
WWF tugboat
FSU sucks
Donald Gibb
Riley Cooper
Mysexyriley
Mike Price Alabama
Jason Hervey
80’s White Trash
Lay down and bleed college pep talks (I don’t know what the hell this is)

So right now I’d say that my audience is ranking in high on my patented piece of shit index. I’ve figured out what is accidentally getting people to my site and now I need to capitalize on it, much like a veteran wrestler would capitalize on an unsuspecting referee by grabbing the rope while applying the abdominal stretch (first abdominal stretch reference).



Maybe I should use these as topics to haul in some real classy page viewers.
Conspiracy theories over Owen Hart’s death
Conspiracy theories over Bret Hart’s Survivor Series loss to Shawn Michaels
Where “Parts Unknown” could actually be
What pieces of shit Google
Ex Gator Football players now in porn
How to use the abdominal stretch in a real fight
Did Mr. Arnold ever give Mrs. Arnold a black eye on the Wonder Years?
Was Paul Pfeiffer’s grandmother in the holocaust?
Did Tugboat attend Earthquake’s funeral?
Is Tugboat still afloat? (By afloat I mean alive or actually able to walk)
Does Riley Cooper go to the same doctor as Ron Mexico in Philadelphia?
The Dolph Lundgren ab workout
Did Peter Parker ever find Uncle Ben’s porn stash?
When will Freddie vs. Jason 2 come out?
If Heath Leger got the Oscar posthumously, why didn’t Brandon Lee win for the Crow?
Will Scott Hall baby-sit my kids?

Random Thoughts of the Week
Have you ever met someone and found out that they’re a Gator fan? Cool, right? The conversation is going great and you’re talking about the upcoming season or whatnot. You talk about when you graduated, and they talk about vague things other than graduating from the University of Florida. Not a Gator. It happens to me all the time, and I pass judgment.
FYI, if you meet a guy in the panhandle, he shows you his Florida Gator tattoo that spans his entire calf, and he says he’s a graduate of the University of Florida, don’t believe him. I’ve met that guy.
Whatever happened to the old radio sideline/post game reporter? Brady Ackerman is doing it now but the old guy was definitely better.

What I had to Google this Week for the blog

Abdominal Stretch

What to say if your wife asks you, “Do you hate me?”

Retirement match

USC Heisman Winners

The plural of nothing

Why are all my friends selling their Gator tickets this week?

Twilight Book Burnings

Would the FBI track me if I blogged the word “Quran?”

What happens if you say “Quran” three times in your blog?

I just blogged “Quran” 3 times and I got a phone call telling me I’m going to die in 3 days. Is this for real?

What if I spell “Koran” with a K?

How much do I have to pay Scott Hall to hang out with him for the day?

What would Steve Babick do?

Things “a friend of mine” Google'd this week
Brandon Spikes sex tape
Stubhub Monday Night Raw Tickets

Facts of the Week
The Florida Gators have not lost to one of the current Big East schools since 1991 versus Syracuse (We lost to Miami in 2003 but they are not a current Big East school).
Florida has not lost a game versus a Florida school since 2003.

Must Watch Web
Ivan Drago’s Comeback

Drago's got a good lookin set of tits!

Weekend Football Forecast

Slap in the face pick
Vandy over LSU: LSU is in bad shape, nearly losing to a dismantled Tar Heels squad. If UNC gets those guys back, they could make big waves with serious BCS implications.

Picks

OU over FSU
Miami over Ohio State
Alabama over PSU (don’t be shocked if it’s close)
Oregon over Tennessee (I think the Vols make it respectable)
South Carolina over UGA
Cal over Colorado
Michigan over Notre Dame
USC over UVA (I’d love to be wrong)
Last Week’s Record: 5-4
2009 Season Record: 59-43

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS: Nebraska
SEC: Florida
ACC: Miami
Big East: UConn
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Nebraska
Pac 10: Oregon State
BCS Buster: TCU unfortunately. I refuse to put Boise. A little civil disobedience on my part.


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or you may never hear from me again if we lose to USF this weekend like FSU last year; but they’ve completely recovered from that. They’re back! Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators



USF 17 FSU 7, September 26, 2009
We will always remember.

The Leave is Over

Oh Boy. Its like I leapt into a random body on Quantum Leap. Where the hell have I been? We’ll get to that. Before I sat down tonight my wife approached me very seriously. “I’m glad you’re starting your blog again but I want you to promise me something…” This is when I got worried. Did she actually read some of the shit I posted last year? I assumed she’d say, “Quit talking about taking women to pound town,” or “Quit talking about me having sex with 2nd stringers.” Nope. “If you’re gonna do this again please keep your files organized on the computer.” Women. They’re all the same; well not all of them.
Did you see Brandon Spikes living the dream on chat roulette? That girl, whose dad must be proud by the way (by proud I mean ready to play his own game of Russian roulette in front of his web cam) probably never complains about his computer files being unorganized. She seems like a really sweet girl, who accepts Brandon even though his computer is probably a fucking mess. As far as commenting on the video goes, what can I say? I’m not appalled; if anything I think it’s really funny, and to be honest, good for you, Brandon, and I’ll leave it at that. I’m just surprised he didn’t put a Georgia helmet on her.
Note: Researching the Brandon Spikes sex tape was interesting. “What are you doing?” My wife said to me as I got out of bed too anxious to sleep, knowing I had to do blog research. “Watching the Brandon Spikes sex tape.” I said. “It’s research.” I’m not sure if she thought I was serious but I was looking over my shoulder every few seconds knowing my wife was in the other room. Now I have a pretty good excuse. If my wife asks me what I’m looking at I’ll be like, “Uh? Oh you didn’t hear about that big defensive tackle from Tennessee? Yeah, he also made a sex tape... with a tiny blonde cheerleader…and the defensive coaching staff from Grambling. Take a look at the desktop. Aren't these files are nice and organized, baby?"
So where was I between my last blog and now? I gotta be honest, I burnt out. I rushed that last blog about Urban’s retirement and I had enough, at least for the off- season. I said I was going to cover basketball but let’s be honest. I’m a Gator football fan first. I love basketball but I’ll catch games if I remember they’re on, watch the SEC tournament, and then the big dance. There are few of us Gator fans who truly give enough of a shit about basketball to read or write a blog about it. So much went on after Urban quit and I wanted to cover the entire saga including Lane to USC, USC on probation, and all the cheating scandals. I’ll rehash this off-season briefly in pictures.

I quit

Just kidding

Heart issues are no joke. Take it from a professional athlete who knows first hand about the stress and pressure of competing for championships on a week to week basis.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2v2jt_ric-flair-gets-a-heart-attack-on-ni_sport

I fucked UT

Reggie Fucked Me

Took 100 grand? Who me?

You'll never catch me.

Here comes the super-conference.

Nevermind

Will win the Heisman…

if glory hole receiving stats are considered.

Taking his talents to South Beach

Taking his talents and 7 or 8 kids to the New York.

What would his reality show be called? "Antonio, and his wife and another 6 women plus 8 or is it 9?"

And now for this season. Will Florida win the national title this year? No but it would be a lot cooler if we did. Thanks, Wooderson. It wouldn't surprise me if we did either.

It’s an even number year for Urban and he wins them every other year. We’ve got the tools. The defense I have a feeling will be better assuming the new coordinator isn’t completely Zookish. Brantley has a line, 3 amazing backs (maybe 4 with Brown) and hopefully a stable of receivers who end up looking good in the process. The schedule isn’t bad. Bama is ripe with a mostly new defense. That game will be a shootout like the game at Kentucky was in 07. If the Bama game is winnable, then they all are. Where could we stumble? At Tennessee doesn’t seem likely but I just can’t see them being as bad as everyone is predicting. It’s a must win for Dooley or he will be “building that program” until they fire him in 3 years. UGA in Jax could be a stumble as well. We’ll talk when that game gets closer. Miss. St. at home could catch us with our pants down and obviously Bama could pose problems on the road. That being said, we won’t lose all of those games giving us a worst case scenario of a 3 loss season. The worst I truly see is a two loss year (heading in the SEC title game). If we beat Bama in Bama, the Tide won’t make it to Atlanta.
So lets say we are the two loss SEC champs, that could be good enough to play an undefeated Ohio State, an undefeated Boise, or a 1 loss Big 12 champ. Don’t sleep on Nebraska; they’re definitely back and Ohio State’s party is officially over after this season.
SEC Championship Prediction: Florida over Auburn. The west is murderer’s row and Bama’s defense is too new. They are completely undeserving of their ranking but the voters couldn’t stomach Boise or Ohio State at 1 to start the year.
For the record, let’s just get this on the table. Boise State is garbage. They may sneak in; they could beat a team like Ohio State. Then we get a playoff. Hell, maybe they’d overturn the championship. It’s been done before. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIZafcGYUa0
I don’t know how that dispute isn’t still tangled up in federal court.

This summer on E60 I saw a piece about corrective rape. Did you catch it? If you missed it there will be a similar program on next weekend when Florida State travels to Oklahoma. Obviously next week I’ll lay it on pretty thick, but I’m just sayin, no pressure, FSU. It’s not like your entire brand is riding on that game. This is the 10th season since you were relevant. If Oklahoma does what I think they will, your image will be done after your season spirals out of control. Let’s compare our programs. FSU was really good a long time ago, like River Phoenix, and UF is really great now, like Leonardo DiCaprio. UF fans are enjoying the latest hit Inception while FSU fans are replaying the opening sequence of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade over and over again on VHS. Enjoy Norman next week, Nole fans, it’ll be your very own Viper Room.
While I’m predicting one program’s demise, I’m predicting another coach’s. Les Miles, enjoy your last year. I don’t need to explain; you’re a pathetic moron who is through riding a real coach’s coat tail. LSU will probably have a losing season and Ron Zook will have a tag team partner when he joins the WWE.
In the off season you may have seen College Football Live and their “What If” segments. I liked it better when voiceofthegators.blogspot.com did it last October.
http://voiceofthegators.blogspot.com/2009/10/what-ifs-are-for-losers-gators-are-7-0.html
If they EVER compare a football team to the movie Bloodsport or Best of the Best 2, I swear to God I’m suing. It does make me feel good that one of their producers has probably read my blog.
What to Expect Saturday
I’m looking forward to the game Saturday. I look forward to seeing all that’s changed in Gainesville since my last visit. I don’t look forward to the heat. I should probably just watch the game on ESPN but I can always watch Breakfast with the Gators Sunday, when we all look forward to Nat Moore’s confusion of verb tenses and pluralizing of last names.
Honestly, it’s Miami of Ohio. It’s a win. I’m not going to bother doing research on their team. I’m looking forward to seeing who gets the most balls at WR. Is Debose legit? Percy busted a long gain in his first game vs. UCF, but evidently Andre’s not filling the Harvin role after all. Will Mike Gillislee step up and be the guy. I think he’s our best overall back. Every time he played last year he busted one long; so if he’s only our third best option, I’m feeling really good about Moody and Demps.

Game Prediction: Florida 52 Miami 6

What I had to Google this Week
In making this blog, I have to look up certain facts and information to make sure I get it right for spelling and accuracy. I don’t want to look completely ignorant. Here’s a list of things I Googled to make this week’s blog or at least things I Googled while I was making this blog.

Masters of the Universe Dialogue (I wanted to make some references but couldn’t quite pull it off).
Donald Gibb’s Home Address
Ric Flair Heart Attack
WWF stripped championship
common grammar problems
black English vernacular
Brandon Spikes Video
Brandon Spikes Sex video
Brandon Spikes sex Video for real this time

How to hook up a web cam
How to ensure anonymity on chat roulette
Ron Zook Sex video
How to delete my search history
River Phoenix Viper Room
Blindfolded Kumite Training Techniques
How can I take my talents to South Beach?
Rippin and Tearin
How to save my soul

Random Thoughts of the Week
I stumbled upon this great website for runners during the off season. It lets you map out your run precisely. It’s called MapMyRun.com, or as females on Florida State’s campus call it, MapMyRape.com.

I really want to take a dump on a Dominos pizza and send them the picture.

I’m sick of America. It’s so PC, every parent tells their kid they're perfect (I blame Curt Hennig) and discipline has disappeared. Timeout is a big punishment these days I guess. We’re so soft as a country. When people have babies they go to these great lengths to baby-proof their homes. Whatever happened to evolution? I say fuck it. If I ever have a kid, I’m going to Darwinise my house. My home would be like a baby version of the Eliminator from American Gladiators, but with a lot more broken glass and faulty baby gates. It’s time America breeds some winners.

Fact of the Week
Lets say Bama is still legit this year and next. Did you realize that if we play them in the next two SEC title games, we will have played them 6 times in 4 years?

Weekend Football Forecast

Slap in the face pick
The first slap goes to you, Lane Kiffin. Hawaii over USC tonight in Hawaii. Muhalo, dickhead.

Missouri over Illinois, Colorado State over Colorado, ND over Purdue, Michigan over UConn (must win for Michigan), Washington over BYU, Oregon State over TCU, LSU over UNC and Va Tech over Boise State (prayin for the sake of everything that is right in the world)

2009 Season Record: 59-43

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS: Nebraska
SEC: Florida
ACC: Miami
Big East: UConn
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Nebraska
Pac 10: Oregon State
BCS Buster: At this point I only see extra major conference teams sneaking in. 2 Big 12 teams, 2 SEC schools etc.


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU doesn’t have to rely on a fix to win the Gator Bowl. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators

P.S. Not to beat a dead horse or anything but a promise is a promise.

USF 17 FSU 7, September 26, 2009
We will always remember.

Urban Exodus

Why not put a religious spin on it? Gator fans take this shit seriously so much so that Jeremy Foley is going to start having the concessions staff serve communion at the end of every 3rd quarter next fall. I’m just kidding but you’ll see me in hell either way.
Like when Spurrier left, we are all probably taking this too seriously. It’s just a team and tomorrow it won’t really matter who our coach is. Urban has been a great one though; there is no denying that. I truly do wish Urban well. Imagine if this was really it for him. What a legacy he’ll leave if he never coaches again. He’d be the Jim Brown of college coaches; he could have done so much more but what would that really prove? I’m glad he’s leaving with us thinking, “what if he stayed 5 more years?” rather than us thinking “why didn’t he leave 5 years sooner?”
Don’t cry Gator fans this will all be exciting. We’re getting a new coach and that’s always fun despite what a huge loss this is. You could have seen this coming had you been loyally following my blog. If you recall, the post-Tennessee blog stated that this would be Urban’s final year. Now I didn’t quite say he’d have heart issues but I basically let you all know why there would be no incentive for him to return in 2010. Now that being said who are we going to hire? First I’ll tell you who we won’t hire. Charlie Strong, Ron Zook, Jimbo Fisher, Steve Spurrier and Bobby Bowden will not be offered jobs at Florida. For the record, Spurrier would dominate with JB at quarterback next year, just sayin. I said in the same blog that if Urban goes, Charlie should get the job, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more I realize that Charlie is a great coordinator but I don’t think he’s head coach material. I hope I’m wrong but something in me is telling me he won’t be a good head coach.
I think the search will really come down to 4 guys we’ll legitimately look at.

1. Bob Stoops: He’s our go-to-guy every time we need a coach. Maybe we’re his go to school when he wants more money from OU. I’m all for this hire if it happens. See my previous blog if you don’t understand why I’m all gay for Stoops. I’d love to see Stoops finish he career here.

2. Dan Mullen: I honestly think this will be our next head coach. It makes way too much sense and he’s going to be a great head coach no matter where he ends up. He’s a great face for the program, be that a baby face but a great face nonetheless. He’ll recruit well and obviously our offense will stay effective under Mullen. I’m guessing he’d like to stay at Miss St. for 3 years total but his dream job just opened up. He may not go leave so he can truly make a name for himself without Meyer. Maybe he wants to blaze his own trail elsewhere. If Mullen succeeds critics will site his predecessor.

3. Chris Peterson from Boise State: I hope to hell it’s not him but his record over the past 4 seasons has been amazing. Still I think there might be a reason that big schools haven’t been knocking down his door; his school hasn’t really beaten anyone since that Oklahoma game.

4. Randy Edsall: This guy has done a lot with a brand new program at UCONN. He’d be a great guy to come in and run things as they were and manage an already successful system ala Jimmy Johnson and Dennis Erickson at the “u” in the 80s and 90s. Man, I realize that in the moment I've totally forgotten to put a wrestling reference. Well, this transition will be like when Paul Bearer and The Undertaker parted ways. Yes the Undertaker may have suffered in the short term, but overall Paul Bearer's early direction guided The Undertaker's career, which is still going strong by the way. So yeah, I feel pretty good about the future of Gator Football based on that.

One thing I do see happening is a clean transition. Urban will supposedly still be in Gainesville after all probably overseeing a lot of things going on. I think just about any capable coach can come into Gainesville and compete for championships. I’ve heard early rumblings about Petrino as well but I wouldn’t want anything to do with this guy after the Atlanta Falcons falling out. I’m trying to rush this blog out so I haven’t had a ton of time to really think this entire thing out, but I just thought about Rich Rodriguez as well. He’s done poorly at Michigan but he could win right away with the returning team at Florida. All this being said, the Gators will get someone who is definitely not Ron Zook. A huge part of me wants Spurrier, for the record, but I know it will never happen.

Enjoy your holidays and enjoy watching the final game of this amazing era.

Until next time,
The Voice of the Gators

P.S. FSU lost to USF this season. We play them next season. We’ll beat them no matter who our head coach is.

The Decade Awards

I’ve got to be honest, I’m really scared about next year. If The Pounceys, Hernandez, Haden, and Dunlap go, we’re SOL. It could be one of the biggest downfalls in history. There have been some disappointing downfalls we’ve watched in the past century: Van Halen, the 90’s Chicago Bulls, The Mega Powers, Freddie Mercury’s t-cell count, and of course the Dungeon of Doom. Maybe I’m paranoid and Urban is indeed the real deal. If he puts 10 wins together next year, I’ll bow down and call him the greatest coach of all time. Our offense will be better next year; it has to be or we will have a losing season on our hands and I hate to be quoted on that.
What’s happened with this country? Everything is so PC now that it’s not fun to be American anymore. Whatever happened to the days when you could say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays or use the word niggardly when commenting on an African American co-workers good use of company funds? Again I mention that this is a blog written by blacks so it’s okay. Now coaches can’t touch their players. What the hell? Jim Leavitt is in trouble for roughing up one of his players in the locker room. Give me a break. Sometimes a coach has to slap a player around a bit to send a message to the team. In the 1980’s it was not uncommon for a coach to go so far as to sexually abuse his players in the locker room shower to motivate the team. There’s a reason my third grade soccer team was 8 and 0. It’s called good coaching.
I love that the Big 10 and Pac 10 are thinking of expanding. I’m not actually going to trash these garbage conferences. I love this part of college football and I think it’s so intriguing. If I were running the Pac 10, I’d add Fresno State and Utah. The Big 10 is not quite so easy. There are no real front runners. Would they draw from the Big East? Pittsburgh or Cincy would be the only fit geographically. Louisville and Iowa State are also possibilities. While I’m at it, the Big East certainly needs to expand but they’ve ruined it because of their basketball affiliations. They’re not going to draw any legitimate school that will join the conference for only football. ECU, Marshall or UCF would be good choices to expand that conference in football but unfortunately the basketball side of things is getting in the way. I’d love to change the SEC as well. I’d add UNC and Georgia Tech to the East while subtracting Vandy and Kentucky. Sorry UK but your basketball history can go stink up the ACC where the hard-court comes first.
I think Charlie Strong made a mistake. For whatever reason, I don’t see him being a great head coach. Ideally I wanted UF to pay him off as the highest paid coordinator in the business and keep this thing going. There would have been little pressure on him. Also I don’t think he made a good choice in Louisville. Kentucky is not exactly a hotbed of talent. Why is it that when I hear the word “hotbed” I think of racism? Example: Bithlo, Florida is a hotbed for Ku Klux Klan activity. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Now that I mentioned overt racism, who can forget Keifer Sutherland’s role in A Time to Kill?
While I’m mentioning poor hiring, I can’t help but think Notre Dame effed it up again. They replaced offense with offense. Call me crazy but Weis should have stayed and they should have pony’d up for a great defensive coordinator. Brian Kelly won back to back Big East titles which I guess means something but they are trying to hire the next Urban Meyer and Kelly is definitely not that. Hopefully ND doesn’t get too excited if he starts next year with a 3 loss season and then extends his contract to 10 years. That was so ridiculous; how do you justify that?
I’ve read that Tiger Woods was named the AP’s athlete of the decade. This is total bullshit as golf takes minimal athletic ability. I could understand cocksman of the decade but that’s about it. He’s certainly the best skill game competitor of the last decade but there’s not much athleticism in what he does. Athletic ability usually comes with the appearance of a man who can beat someone in a fight. Athletic ability allows men to jump extremely high and throw basketballs down through hoops. Athletic ability allows you to run through tacklers and speed down sidelines. Skill is a different story. That allows men to hit golf balls and women to play basketball. Golf does not require athleticism; it requires goofy pants and a fat ass. Thanks, Happy. That being said I’m going to give out my decade awards for best athlete as well as many other awards that are just as meaningless as the AP’s honors.

Best Athlete: Michael Vick
I didn’t say best quarterback. I’m sure Keifer Sutherland’s character from a Time to Kill might have something to say about his accuracy and mental ability to read defenses. That’s not what I’m talking about. He was by far the best ATHLETE in sports over the past 10 years. What he was able to do at the college level and then the pro level was amazing to watch. His speed, agility and unbelievable arm strength, to be quite honest, are legendary. I think he was an okay QB for the Falcons but his sheer athleticism made him a factor each week and that translated to wins for Atlanta.

College Football Coach: Bob Stoops
Yes, Big Game Bob is a big “0-for” in his BCS games since taking it to FSU. However I’m going to look past that and see what he has done overall. First off, he brought premier talent to Norman, Oklahoma. What the fuck is there to do in Norman? Okie-Noodling? He single handedly buried Nebraska’s program and owned Texas for the better part of this decade. He’s built a program that will continue to thrive for at least one more decade. Yes, Urban and Pete Carroll have more titles but Bob is still worthy. Carroll is obviously a cheater and Urban’s success is built partly off what Stoops did in Gainesville back in 96 with Spurrier. Let’s not forget that he took care of business against FSU in the 2001 Orange Bowl, voiding the Seminoles and Miami of a joint national championship. God bless you, Bob.

Best Coach of someone else's talent: Les Miles
Close second goes to Urban Meyer and Roy Williams of UNC Basketball.

Most likely not to win with their own players if given a couple more years: Ron Zook and Matt Doherty

College Football Team: The Florida Gators
This is a close pick between Florida, USC, LSU, and Texas but Florida is the only team on this list I actually respect. The Gators had early success in the decade and then have finished with five solid years. The Gators weren’t consistent, but they’re the only 2 time champ on the list who didn’t have to share a title. Plus USC swept through this decades version of the 90’s ACC, LSU didn’t really win 1 legit title, and Texas only succeeded when Vince Young was under center and scrambling on broken plays.

College Football Player: Vince Young
Let’s be honest here. Tebow was certainly great but he was never capable of doing what VY did in the Rose Bowl against USC. He should have been a Heisman winner; somehow a big showing against a pitiful Fresno State team can win you the Heisman even though your teammate has rushed for more touchdowns, cough, Reggie Bush, cough, you were paid to play college football, cough.

Documentary about ghetto ass football players of the decade: The U
Did anyone else see this last week? “It was certainly entertaining in an I’m terrified of you people kinda way,” said Keifer Sutherland’s character from a Time to Kill. I’m not very conservative but Miami in the 80’s and early 90’s was wrong. That’s really the easiest way to say it; it was just wrong. There was nothing good about that program. Zero legitimate tradition. It’s easy to fill a stadium when you’ve got a winning team that 2 Live Crew financed. What I found very amusing was that the “u” could have won several more titles had it not been for their lack of discipline. Also I find it interesting that Randy Shannon was allegedly responsible for doling out the payoffs for the players. The documentary did not specify whether this happened when he was a player or when he was a graduate assistant. Now Shannon’s hiring sort of makes sense; I guess it’s good to “reconnect” the “u” and the city of Miami to their winning ways. It’s no surprise his hiring brought the resurgence of enrolling the locals considering he was allegedly the link between the local players and their payday. Also, think of the nerve on Randy Shannon to complain about Urban Meyer kicking that field goal late in the game last year. Really, Randy Shannon? You’re from the “u.” You aren’t supposed to be a whining baby. Just keep your trap shut and let all of your talented coordinators run the show while you pay your locals to be on the field.

Movie: Crash
No explanation needed but it barely edged out The Departed. No tickie, no laundry. I was also really tempted to put Avatar here but I’ll avoid being a prisoner of the moment. However Avatar was phenomenal. I came out of the movie theater thinking, “James Cameron just made George Lucas look like this biggest chump.” The Star Wars prequels were already terrible but Avatar made them look pitiful. The special effects were mind blowing. I’m really sick of the Academy leaving out blockbusters. Now that there are 10 nominees, Avatar should be able to slide in; it’s clearly the best movie I’ve seen in a long time.

TV Show: The Wire
Just watch the show if you have not and you’ll understand why this is the show of the decade. Many consider this to be the greatest cop show of all time and I agree. Dexter comes in a close second. It’s about a serial killer in Miami. What’s not to love? Here’s hoping that next season Dexter takes out the “u’s” head football coach. His kill room will be plastered with pictures of Brian Bosworth, Barry Switzer, Bobby Bowden, Deon Sanders, and other college football greats from the 80’s that the “u” cheated victories away from.

Scumbag of the Decade: Nick Saban
Something about Nick just rubs me the wrong way. He’s a bit greasy for one. Also it’s really easy to think that he’s cheating, because he probably is. I have no proof on paper but I have all the proof I need every time I look into his eyes.
Water Skier of the Decade: Ron Zook
Did I say water skier? I meant to say worst coach with a stuttering problem.

Pro Wrestler of the decade: The 1, 2, 3 Kid
I didn’t say which decade. Also this is just my way to mention the 1,2,3 Kid. He was actually horrible but he did make a sex tape with China this decade so why not give him the accolade. Honorable mention goes to Wild Man Marc Mero/Johnny B. Badd.

Compound Fracture of the Decade: Tyrone Prothro
Honorable mention goes to Sid. By the way, Sid is a competitive softball player. How random is that? I wonder what other former wrestling greats have gone on to random careers. It’d be awesome to go to the Olive Garden and have Stevie Ray from Harlem Heat take your order. When I said Olive Garden I meant Bojangles.


Must Watch Web: I was told to put this up. It’s a bunch of UF white girls rapping and cussing a lot so that’s kind of interesting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZovqDLWXtwg

Oh, FSU fans, here’s a link you might enjoy. I’m being serious this is actually pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHf8Tc-yOuw


Random Thought of the Week: Dexter Spoiler Alert: Don’t read until you’ve seen the season 4 finale. What a way to end the season. I’m really hoping Rita isn’t dead; I’m thinking that maybe she just had the worst period of her life.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a consistent fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when a documentary is made about BYU’s crime riddled national championship season.

The Voice of the Gators

Got the Bama Blues? Blame it on this guy!

Watch out for that boat motor, Ronnie!

I guess it would be a good time to talk about Gator Basketball but I have to jump on a monster grenade first. Fucking Gators!
That feels a little bit better but it doesn’t change the fact that we got exposed by Bama, who will never play as well as they did Saturday again. Doesn’t that just piss you off? A team can be so average against a piece of shit school like Tennessee and then finally hit on all cylinders against the Gators. They stepped up big time and our linebackers looked like a couple of “twinks” getting pounded by their” bear” running backs all game long.
This is the reason why we were all so pissed off this season because we knew deep down this was probably on the horizon. How did we get caught with our pants down at linebacker and wide receiver this year? How did that happen at Florida? Tebow just didn’t have that many targets and our linebackers couldn’t handle the only 3 good running backs they had to tackle this year (all playing for Bama). You know you’re having problems when your asshole FSU buddy texts you, “Bring out the rape kit!” at the start of the 4th quarter.
I hate to compare football to something as traumatic as rape, but Tebow was certainly crying like he belonged at the bottom of a cold shower after a premeditated, parking garage pounding. I don’t mind the crying thing but he just made himself a big target for jokes unfortunately. I’m taking aim. Who woulda thought Tim Tebow would have been playing the Crimson Tide while riding the crimson wave. That same asshole FSU buddy laid that on pretty thick, vehemently telling me that the Teebs is indeed a homosexual. Yeah, I could see that (see blog on me turning on Gator qbs). To be honest I don’t know but I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t think about it. Let’s lay out all the evidence that could prove his gayness. Cries in public, check. Talks with a slight lisp, check. Pounds dudes, check (on the football field). I’m totally fine with it if he is gay; he would be an amazing ambassador for homosexuals and he’d also be a real force if he ever went to prison. I could just see him pumping up all the cons in the yard or a shower full of people after imposing his will on some Latin King or Blood. Even in prison he would make them cheer. Now that I’m thinking about it, this doesn’t at all make sense. Tim Tebow could do anything he wants. If Superman can turn back time by flying around the world, reversing the orbit of our planet, then I’m pretty sure that Fifteen can block out fantasies of him and Urban being alone in a tent on some mission trip to the Philippines. I’m making the ruling. Tim Tebow, definitely straight! Maybe.
Last week I didn’t address the whole Carlos Dunlap issue. I honestly didn’t think it would be a huge deal and I still don’t think it was the sole reason why Bama took us to pound town. Also as a writer, it’s easy and convenient to forget about thug Florida players when you’re going on a rant about the sins of Bobby Bowden’s past. Oops. During the game I started thinking, “What if Dunlap was a suspended Bama player in a game that went in our favor?” I’m pretty sure a whole bunch of good ole boy Bama fans would have loaded their pickup trucks, and sped into the inner city yelling, “Hey, it’s Carlos Dunlap! Get him!” to the first black person they saw. Bama fans, you make me sick.
As an arrogant Gator fan, I had a lot of grand ideas for the blog after our huge SEC title win over Bama. Well instead of those awesome ideas, I started thinking of ways to reference Kevin Bacon’s character from Sleepers. If you haven’t seen that movie and want to basically know what happened, here goes. Bama is Kevin Bacon’s character and the Gators are the boys. I really wanted that championship blog to be special. I was planning on composing a whole rap song about the Gator’s current best white wide receiver called, “Do the Riley Cooper.” The song was really special and it was all about his awesome hair, his great hands, and his uncanny ability to score poon. It had awesome lyrics like, “He f***ed his 3rd grade teacher in her Halloween sweater.” Now I can’t do it. I was hoping it would catch on and maybe we could record it with auto-tune but no, we had to lose. Nothing can be fun right now. Only rape jokes and self loathing for Gator fans right now.
Maybe I should try to raise the morale and try something new and innovative. Okay, the following portion of the blog will be written by legendary director and writer, Martin Scorsese. Whoa, I can’t do that. This is an N-bomb free zone. This is a blog for blacks written by blacks. I’m just joking about the whole being written for blacks thing, but it’s definitely written by blacks as you’ve clearly picked up on by now. While I’m on the topic I’ll share a quick funny story. When I saw Harry Potter 3, the one with Sirius Black, I belted out the loudest laugh ever in a quiet movie theater. When the black kid said, “Black could be anywhere,” as they were inquiring about Sirius Black, I lost it. I don’t know why but I found that to be one of the more unintentionally funny moments in movie history. It ranks right up there with every line of Brandon Lee’s dialogue in Showdown in Little Tokyo.

No Martin Scorsese blog, bummer. What will cheer us Gator fans up? Maybe a wrestling reference or two would cheer us up! I could talk about the 1992 Royal Rumble and how it’s the only Royal Rumble in WWF history whose winner was awarded the heavyweight championship (that reference obviously relating to how the SEC championship was really for the National Championship). TRIVIA ALERT: If you can email me the winner, I’ll send you a free ticket to hell. I could talk about the 1994 Royal Rumble Match, where Brett Hart and Lex Luger both fell out of the ring at the same time, needing instant replay to determine the winner of the match, as a reference to the photo finish between Texas and Nebraska. Nah. That’s not working either. I don’t know what’s going to cheer us up. Well there’s something. It rhymes with FSU losing to USF this season. We might be down but we’re not FSU. For the record I commend the WWF and their officials for their discretion and proper usage of instant replay in the 1994 Royal Rumble. Most sports historians know this is what really started the instant replay movement for the NFL, college football, and all other legitimate sports.
It’s actually really hard to be excited if you’re a Gator fan right now. Charlie Strong is leaving us, our seniors are leaving without any new championship jewelry, and there is only one game left in the season. It’s all really kind of shitty right now. During the Bama game I did start thinking for the future of Gator football. It’s very bright if we can recruit a team to foil Alabama’s style. Urban needs to recruit receivers and linebackers who can play right away, and a replacement for Brantley. I think our help on the defensive line will come with Omar Hunter stepping up at DT and our veteran backup defensive ends. I know they say Florida is the state for the best high school recruits but I want what Bama’s got right now. Their lines are just bigger and tougher. We have all the skill position players in the world in this state but Bama’s got the big uglies.
Also we need to replace Strong. We could promote an assistant or look elsewhere. I wouldn’t mind taking someone from Nebraska’s staff after seeing their defense hold Oklahoma to 3 and stifle Texas in what should have been a big 12 Championship upset. Still this season has turned out very bad. I’m disappointed with 12-1, and I’m sure all of you are too. You know what will cheer you up? Sex! Let’s all pretend we’re blue chip high school football players, drive up to Knoxville and have sex with the Orange Pride! That would cheer me up tremendously and so would probation for Tennessee. Way to run a clean program your first year, Lane. At least you don’t look like a hypocrite.
Is it any coincidence that Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino are both out of a job at the same time? These two were made for each other. How awesome would it be if they were both coaching at the same place? It would be the second greatest duo in legitimate sports history.
Finally since football is winding down, expect to hear more about Gator Basketball (huge game vs. Syracuse tonight), the NFL, the NBA, and TNA Wrestling (definitely just kidding, maybe). Speaking of the NFL, I’m definitely a big fantasy football guy. The best part of fantasy football is creating your team name. If you’re in a league, you know what this is about. It’s not about intimidation. It’s about funny. Raunchy won’t cut it. Clever in 18 characters or less is the key. That being said, I’m starting a new bit called, “The Fantasy Team Name of the Week” Send me your best team name, and the best ones will go up.

FANTASY TEAM NAME OF THE WEEK: RonZookSexParty
I mean who wouldn’t want to be invited to that. First the sex party and then the leisurely water skiing session afterwards. That sounds like a pretty good party, if you’re in a cult or were a cast member on Jaws 3. Who still water skis anyway? Ron Zook, that’s who!
Please send me your best fantasy team names and I’ll post the best one each week. voiceofthegators@gmail.com

Must Watch Web
This is a good take on what ESPN’s programming was like in the early days. I swear to God it’s not a wrestling clip.
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/ladies-bowling/1182387/


Fact of the Week
Alabama raped us in Georgia Saturday. Georgia laws are very clear on the punishment for this.

16-6-1: Rape
A person convicted of the offense of rape shall be punished by
death, by imprisonment for life, or by imprisonment for not less than
ten nor more than 20 years.

UGA fans you may want to read up on this one.


16-6-22. Incest. (a) A person commits the offense of incest when he engages in sexualintercourse with a person to whom he knows he is related either by bloodor by marriage as follows: 1. Father and daughter or stepdaughter; 2. Mother and son or stepson; 3. Brother and sister or the whole blood or of the half blood; 4. Grandparent and grandchild; 5. Aunt and nephew; or 6. Uncle and niece. (b) A person convicted of the offense of incest shall be punished byimprisonment for not less than one nor more than 20 years.


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a consistent fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when the Gators go 6 and 6 in Urban’s last season and Jeremy Foley begs to play in the Capital One Bowl.

The Voice of the Gators

P.S. “It’s called a blowjob,” in case any of you thought I forgot to mention the best quote from Sleepers.

Salute to Saint Bobby

You might be asking yourself, "Why are there pictures of Hacksaw Jim

Duggan and Nick from Family Ties at the beginning of a Bobby Bowden Tribute blog?" Well for starters, if you've ever read this blog you'll know that this will definitely not be a tribute and as for these two classy gentlemen your eyes are feasting on, well you'll just have to read a little bit more to find out.

I’ve had to mull over how I would approach the Bobby Bowden situation on this blog. For a brief second I was about to make it a bit of a tribute. I’d discuss the legacy of Bobby Bowden. This guy has a legacy right? Everyone seems to love him. Even some Gator fans will tell you that Bobby deserves all this praise and respect based on all the great things he’s done for college football. They talk about what he means to college football and how his greatness transcends the game. They say he’s a great coach but an even better man. What of the legacy you will leave behind, Bobby?
I piss on your legacy. I mock the idea that you mean something to college football. How convenient for the reporters to forget the sins of your past during your last ten years. You somehow even got a pass on the recent academic scandal. Of course you passed blame and washed your hands of it. You may be a good man but that doesn’t mean you haven’t knowingly bent, ignored, or broken the rules. Hey, a lot of people thought O.J. was a good man before he took a buck knife to Ron Goldman and turned his ex-wife into “Nearly Headless Nicole.”
You’ve obviously been embroiled with your fair share of scandals, but what I remember is how casually you could dismiss your players’ misconduct. When Steve Spurrier accused Darnell Dockett of intentionally hurting Earnest Graham, you turned it against Spurrier and claimed he was whining and making crazy allegations. “Typical Steve Spurrier.” It was completely dismissed and ignored. Here’s the footage of Dockett attempting to stomp on Rex Grossman’s hand during that same game. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSNKIzIATTg It’s not the best clip but if you watch it a few times, you can see that there’s clearly malicious intent. This was subtle but it’s how I will always remember you. Instead of actually owning up to something you or your player did, you found another person to blame. It’s like you always do at halftime of a game you are losing, you’ll blame it on your players. “Blocking and tackling.” Could the ass beating you took in the first half of the Florida game have anything to do with coaching? Could it have to do with your poor recruiting? Could it have to do with your selfishness in staying around 8 years too long? Has anything ever been your fault?
What will they say about the legacy of Bobby Bowden? You won a couple national championships, great. You won a dozen or so ACC titles which roughly translates to 1.25 SEC championships. The media loves you; you give a good interview and so I guess all is forgiven. After all, you are Saint Bobby. Still before you go off into the sunset why don’t you own up to a few things instead of always basking in how beloved you are? Take responsibility for your wrongs for once and maybe then I won’t think you’re such a piece of shit.
Not done with you yet, Bobby B. How dare you request to play your final game in Florida? Are you serious? You could have had your final game in Florida 9 years ago when Oklahoma exposed you in the Orange Bowl. That would have been a good time to quit on a local note. It was, after all, the last time you had a team that actually achieved something. That game was an indicator of things to come and how you would run the program without Mark Richt. Your early season loss to USF in Tallahassee would have also been a nice time to say goodbye.
Why do you need to play your bowl in Florida? You had your final game in the state; it was against Maryland in Doak Campbell. Everyone could have known it was your final game in state (I did) if you wouldn’t have been so selfish; you couldn’t believe that you were going to lose your power until they laid it out for you in the meeting after the Gator game. You knew this was coming and you could have actually made your decision. Your ego let you think that this whole “being awful” thing could just keep on going because you’re a “legend.” “No way they’d actually do that to me.” They did and now you have to whine about not getting an in-state farewell. Why not ask to play in the Orange Bowl or in the National Championship game while you’re trying to take things you haven’t earned. You don’t get to call the shots on bowl games; it’s not like it’s your birthday when your mom asks you what kind of cake you want. There is nothing to celebrate here. You’ve been limping your way to this point and now you’re leaving on the University’s terms. Take what bowl you deserve and own up to what a 6 and 6 record is really worth.
Well, now that you got Bobby out of the way, FSU, we can talk about your new coach. What’s his name again? Jimblow? Congratulations! You promoted the offensive coordinator who couldn’t score any points on the Gators’ starting defense. Good move. I heard Kirk Herbstreit say that FSU is ready to win right now and that he thinks Jimbo will be able to do it. No he won’t. I don’t need to line up all the facts as to why Jimbo is the mental equivalent to Mallory’s boyfriend, Nick, on Family Ties, but I will make a few points. He’s already been running the show for three years and made final calls on all of your prized recruits. If you watched FSU line up against Florida, you know that talent and good coaching are two luxuries the Noles do not possess.
There is no real need to recap what happened in that game. We dominated as we all expected. Part of me is glad that Bobby didn’t announce his decision before now as our senior class got to enjoy the best sendoff in Gator history without distraction. That game would have been as much about Bowden as it was our seniors and Teebs if he had announced his retirement earlier.
What about those uniforms? I retract everything I said about them based on one poor quality web picture. I loved them. I demand that we have one game a year dedicated to a special edition uniform. Nike definitely got it right this time and it wasn’t like we were all saying, “what the hell are they wearing that for,” like we did with the storm trooper jerseys. I don’t want new uniforms for every game, just once a year. It should be a surprise when it happens with no advanced notice unlike the FSU game. It will be like Christmas morning on a fall Saturday. If some of my Jewish readers have trouble drawing up happy or emotional feelings with that Christmas simile then let’s just say will be like having your first child. You look into that child’s eyes with amazement and just think about the benefits of the tax exemptions you will receive from having dependents.
I love the early success of Billy D and the Gator basketball team. However it is still football season. During the Zook years, it would make me sick to hear the fair-weather fans talk about giving up on football for basketball. I’m a football fan first and until the SEC championship game is complete I will only briefly mention our team. It’s no surprise that we’re doing well. We finally have some size in the front court; remember, Billy’s two most successful teams were his only teams with actual size at the 4 and 5 spots. Macklin’s a beast, and Walker is the gutsiest point guard I’ve seen at UF in a long time.
Tiger Woods created some controversy this week as we all know and I’m not going to say a thing about it. I feel it’s not our business. These guys are human. So when a guy like Rick Pitino goes raw-dog with a woman who’s not his wife on a pool table in some bar after closing time, who am I to judge. Raw-dog is a slang reference for not using protection if you didn’t know. Let’s see how many references I can come up with for not using a condom. He was shooting webs without his Spiderman suit, he took a ride on his slip and slide, he did it Hacksaw Jim Duggan Style (that guy’s old school and there’s no way he uses a rubber even on the road, HEYO! Others who I assume fall into the Hacksaw category: Dolph Lungren, Frank Stallone, Rex Grossman, Ron Zook, and Christopher Lloyd.), he attended Magic Johnson’s coaching clinic, he’s like most teenagers attending inner city high schools, he made a mess without his lobster bib, he was being a good Catholic, and of course he fed the gremlin after midnight.
Honestly I could care less about Tiger Woods. He messed up and we all make mistakes. To be honest I respect Tiger for being his own person. I actually respected him for not giving an answer to the media initially about this whole ordeal. It’s not their business. I’ve respected him for quite sometime. Just because he is part African American, part Asian and probably a million other things, he’s never used race to define himself. He is his own person and he’s never felt obligated to act one way based on his “culture.” He keeps out of political issues which I love. Who is he to comment on politics or policy? He’s an athlete, not our president.
What’s this I hear about Mark Mangino being in hot water for mistreating his players at Kansas? I’m not going to research this story because this is Kansas we are talking about and it does not deserve even my minimal effort, so I don’t know specifically what he did. I’m surprised his players are upset at him at all. He’s got to be the coolest coach ever. You know he’s gotta be taking his players to Golden Corral after practices. If I knew an onomatopoeia for heavy breathing, I’d type it here.

When did you become a Gator,

Christian Bale?

As I was at the game against FSU this weekend I was thinking how awesome it would be if Christian Bale was a Gator fan. Why did I think that? Well, maybe it happened when I taunted the FSU fans in my section by yelling, “Oh, good for you!” when they finally scored their first field goal. I want to see Christian Bale go on a rant at a Gator game. If I make a million dollars, I’m going to pay Christian Bale to go to the cocktail party with me to heckle Georgia fans. This is on my bucket list.
Finally I want to talk about our SEC championship game. I’ve heard nothing but how close this game is going to be. Why does it have to be close? Alabama has done everything they’ve needed to defeat inferior teams. They have not played a better team this year. The difference is at quarterback and we’ve got one and they don’t. We will shut down the run, we’ll score on our first few drives, and the game will be over. This is bold but I’ve visualized this game several times in my mind and I see it happening this way each time. We will make Alabama change their game plan early unlike last year. If we get up, we won’t lose the lead. I like the way our passing game looked against FSU and I see us continuing with that success with a surprisingly balanced attack in a (wait for it) easy win.
Game Prediction: Florida 31 Bama 13


Random Thought of the Week
I’m coining a term. Eating Disorder Neck (EDN): the noticeably thin neck of a woman with an eating disorder. Used in a sentence: Eating Disorder Neck became popular around the time Desperate Housewives premiered.
I’m coining another term: Eatingdisorderneckophile: someone who thinks EDN is hot. An eatingdisorderneckophile says what. What! Every morning when Sportscenter goes live with Hannah Storm! She’s definitely on my list along with the Chase Financial Credit Rewards MILF.

Must Watch Web
Hopefully the Florida/Alabama pre-game interviews with Coach Meyer and Saban match those of previous great athletic contests. Think of all the great interviews with Howard Cosell and Muhammad Ali. Sports used to be covered with such journalistic integrity and I hope the coverage before the SEC title game can match those of the past. Click below.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3zg5r_irs-natural-disasters-promo-lod-big_sport


SEC Championship Facts of the Week
The winner of this year’s SEC championship game will be the 10th winner of this game to move onto the championship game.
7 winners of this game have gone on to win the National Championship.
The Gators have the most SEC championship game appearances. Saturday marks their 10th. This is Bama’s 7th.
Florida’s SEC championship game record: 7-2. Alabama: 2-4.
Kentucky, Vandy, Ole Miss, and South Carolina are the only SEC teams to never participate in this game.
SEC East Teams are 11-6 against the SEC West in this game.

Weekend Football Forecast
Last week was my final slap in the face pick of this year. Pete Carroll, you impressed me, sir. I loved that you went deep after UCLA called timeouts while attempting to win the game. I’m all for what you did and I rescind my pick from last week as you showed me some balls. UCLA was trying to win that game so you had every right to put it out of reach once and for all. That’s what football is all about.
Last week’s record: 10-3. I was impressive last week. The only games I lost were OT games.
Oregon over Oregon State, Pittsburgh over Cincinatti in the “alright already, the Big East is garbage” game, Georgia Tech over Clemson, Nebraska over Texas (why not), and UCONN over USF.
Season Record: 75-50

Yes my picks have thrown a huge wrench into what is right with the world. If all goes as planned then you guessed it, Florida would play TCU in the BCS championship game. Let’s look at my BCS bowl predictions.

BCS: Florida vs. TCU
Rose: Oregon vs. Ohio State
Fiesta: Nebraska vs. Boise State
Sugar: Alabama vs. Texas
Orange: GT vs. Pittsburgh
After looking at these bowls I really hope I’m wrong about the upset picks this week. I’d much rather see Cincinnati get in and play Alabama and have TCU play someone like Boise. The dream title match-up is Florida vs. Texas (I’ll spare you the Wrestlemania VI reference) and that will probably happen, so here’s to hoping my picks are dead wrong. On a side note, if Cincy wins this weekend, the Rose Bowl should take them to play Ohio State in what would surely be the most embarrassing loss in Buckeye history.

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Pittsburgh*
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Nebraska*
Pac 10: Oregon
BCS Buster in a big way: TCU
* Changed pick since last week

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a consistent fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
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You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU sells out a legendary coach’s final home game. Until next time.

The Voice of the Gators