What ifs are for Losers: The Gators are 7-0 and it's Time to Party in Jacksonville

The Gator dynasty has never looked stronger. 2008 capped another stellar run for the Florida Gators marking their 8th National Championship since 1991. The Gators are again on top of the world. Let’s recap key moments during the 8 National Championship seasons for the Gators.
1991: Going into the Sugar Bowl it looked like the Gators could do no better than number 3 in the final polls. Facing the Irish the Gators did not lack motivation. However they needed more than just a little bit of help and by the end of the game, the Gators got all they needed. Early in the game the Gators got all they could handle from Jerome Bettis but the Bus hopped off the field gimpy after spraining his MCL after a short gain in the first quarter. The Irish had no answer and the Gators rolled. Throw in 2 more huge favors as Washington was upset by Michigan in the Rose Bowl and the Hurricanes laid an egg against Nebraska and the Gators had the most improbable and most cherished Gator National Championship of all time.
1996: This may be my favorite National Championship as we did it against our rivals. We didn’t even know we were playing for the National Championship until Ohio State pulled the upset against the Jake Plummer led Sun Devils in the Rose Bowl. As we learned in the WWF, guys named Jake the Snake never win the gold. Once we realized a win over FSU would give us the National Championship, the Gators rolled in a 52-20 rout.
1998: The Vols had no chance against the Gators. As far as I’m concerned, the Gators had them beat in Knoxville but two f fumbles in the red zone and a missed field goal in OT did the Gators in. To get their revenge on the Vols, the Gators had to do something that Spurrier had never done as a coach: win in Tallahassee. FSU was obviously on a down year but Florida was still cautious. They knew from old high school footage that FSU qb Marcus Outzen could scramble easily on broken pass plays. The Gators had it covered and sacked the hapless backup 6 times in the second half, allowing the Gators to easily hold onto their narrow first half lead and run out the clock in typical Spurrier fashion. The Gators got an extra week to prepare for the National Championship as the Vols had to prepare for the SEC title game. After getting their second chance at a National Championship rematch, the Gators knew what to do. The Vols knew they were playing on borrowed time, escaping narrowly in several of their close wins that year. On top of their usual angst playing the Gators, the Vols had deal with Florida’s desire for revenge. First year QB Tee Martin was inept against a polished Gator Defense led by coordinator, Bob Stoops. He had time to prepare this time around and held the Vols to 3 points in the desert. Final Score: Florida 22 UT 3. Although the Gators did not win the SEC East and the SEC championship, they still got the final glory in the Fiesta Bowl.
1999: In a year where the Gators were not predicted to win much of anything, the Gators hit a turning point against Alabama. In a seesaw battle against the Tide in Gainesville, the Gators were able to run out the clock after Darrell Jackson successfully fielded a punt inside the 10 yard line late in the 4th quarter. This was the turning point. Florida coasted the rest of that season until the epic 1 versus 2 match up with Florida State. The Gators carried so much momentum into the game that FSU had no answer for the Gators’ 2 confident, rotating quarterbacks. This was the last time the Gators wore blue jerseys and orange pants. Jesse Palmer and Doug Johnson were stellar and pulled out an amazing win to set the Gators up for another shot at the National Championship. Still the SEC title game was an obstacle. Bama is usually our opponent in Atlanta but after the close loss to the Gators, Bama’s season spiraled out of control and the Gators faced an up-and-coming Miss. St. squad that was completely overmatched. The Gators dropped 35 consecutive unanswered first half points to end the game before it really ever started. Next up was Michael Vick and his Virginia Tech Hokies in the Sugar Bowl for the National Championship. In what proved to be a close game, the Gators contained Vick just enough to pull off the 34-31 win. Michael Vick called the Gators “a team of high character” and he said he “learned a lot from the way the Gators played.” Vick as we know has gone on to a stellar career in the NFL playing in 9 consecutive seasons for the Atlanta Falcons. Of all the QBs the Gators have faced, I have never seen a classier and more talented individual than Michael Vick.
2001: What an amazing season. The Gators were stellar despite the emotional tragedy of 911. The SEC decided to play their games the weekend after 911 and the Gators played with spirit, courage, and intensity as they easily handled an unprepared Tennessee team. Despite a mid season setback to Auburn, the BCS puzzle pieces fell into place allowing the Gators a shot at Miami if they could just get past LSU in the SEC title game. Unfortunately for Nick Saban’s Tigers, he had to face the Gators for a second time and it wasn’t much better during the sequel. His Tigers looked like housecats chasing a laser pointer as the Gators offense confused LSU en route to a 46-18 blowout. Cue the rematch. The Gators had payback on their mind after the 2001 Sugar Bowl loss to the Canes. Rex, Jabar, Reche and company were motivated. The media talked about it during the 4 weeks leading up to the game. I’ve never seen Spurrier so poised and ready to take on what he called “the greatest team to ever play college football.” After the fact, we realize he was playing mind games and they didn’t stop during the game either. Steve Spurrier started Brock Berlin at quarterback. Obviously we all remember the play because Rex Grossman was starting at wide receiver in a trick formation. Miami had not seen this look in any of the Gator footage and Grossman caught the lateral pass from Berlin and found Caldwell deep for a huge 50 yard gain to start the National Championship. This play was so sneaky, that some may say Spurrier was sneaky like a snake. Miami struggled after the opening touchdown and the Gators moved the ball at will through the air during the first half. Earnest Graham had the game of his life as he carried the ball for 198 yards; 164 of those yards coming in a vintage Steve Spurrier second half. The Gators had no problems with the Canes winning 31-10.
2006: Obviously this was recent history and we all know the story of this improbable championship. However after pulling out a narrow win in the SEC title game against Arkansas the Gators, who found ways to win all season, were off to the desert yet again to face the potential wire-to-wire national champion Buckeyes. We know how the game turned out. The critics initially claimed the Buckeyes had too long of a layoff before the game but the years of Buckeye mediocrity after that game have further solidified UF’s current era of dominance. Final Score: UF 41 OSU 14.
2007: Florida defies the odds and becomes a two loss national champion. After back to back losses against Auburn and LSU the Gators were reeling. Would they get it together or crumble? The Gators hit a real turning point in Jacksonville when the Bulldogs scored first. The entire Georgia team stormed the field in celebration. The Gators and a completely healthy Tim Tebow were ready to respond. Rumors of a Tebow shoulder injury were just that, rumors. Tebow was rushed in the pocket but the fleet footed sophomore playing in his home town eluded Georgia defenders all day, scrambling outside of the pocket and down field on repeated occasions. Tebow further solidified his Heisman trophy, punishing UGA through the air and on the ground all day in a 28 point Gator win. After winning their final SEC east Games, the Gators were set for a rematch with LSU in Atlanta. The Gators were poised and ready to snap at a reeling Tiger team. LSU felt Florida’s wrath after beating the Gators on several miracle 4th down conversions during the regular season. LSU could not contain a much improved Gator offense and Tim Tebow led the Gators to their 2nd straight SEC championship. During the day’s final games the commentators remarked how there is a real mess with the BCS and that Florida could indeed leap Missouri, West Virginia, Kansas, Oklahoma, and USC. The voters agreed with the commentators’ logic by a 2 loss Gator team to face a 1 loss Buckeye squad in an unlikely and undesirable rematch. OSU played much better early on in this game but the Gators got it together and the Buckeyes of course did not have an answer for Tim Tebow. The Gators won 33-14 in another SEC rout over the Big 10.
2008: This brings us to last year’s run. After the Ole Miss loss the Gators put together one of the finest runs in college football history. Blowing out top 10 teams like UGA and LSU was the trend as the Gators marched on to a match up with number 1 Alabama in Atlanta. Bama proved worthy, but the Gators showed their frequently questioned toughness in a slugfest with the Tide that ended in a Gator victory without their star Percy Harvin. The Gators’ defense was much talked about heading into the National Title match up with Oklahoma. Oklahoma boasted the highest scoring team in college football history and that gave the Gators the motivation they needed. The Gators struggled with the no huddle offense but contained it when they had to, holding the Sooners to 14 points in a performance that physically shocked qb Sam Bradford. Final Score 24-14.

2009
It would be amazing if we owned 8 National Championships. However championships are not won in what-if scenarios. What-ifs and excuses are for losers and winning games is what champions do.

The Gators are 7-0 and on pace to make another run at the SEC and National Championships and have so far avoided several what-ifs. It makes me sick when a guy like Mike Bianchi says there is no way the Gators will win the National Championship. He says that Tim Tebow can’t win the Heisman either. As bad as the Gators are playing, they know how to win and they don’t have to worry about the what-ifs. Who is really better than the Gators? Maybe Bama but if you think UF can’t win that game you’re crazy. We find ways to win or hold on and I don’t see that changing. Then if we win the SEC, who will beat us? Cincinnati? Texas? Bama in a rematch? There is no one out there that is scary, so how, as a supposedly legitimate sports journalist, can you say that the Gators can’t win? As far as the Heisman talk I could really care less if he wins or loses but again I ask who else is there? If you think enough voters will actually pull the trigger on Keenum from Houston or Ingram from Bama you’re delusional. No one is really worthy so they will award the best career as they wrongly did with Eric Crouch in 2001. It’s still between Tebow and McCoy; whichever one decides to finish out the year in a decent statistical manner will win the award. Right or wrong this is how it is going to play out.

The Gators are 7-0 but I’ve never been more frustrated in a Gator team. I’m one of the many spoiled Gator fans. The expectations of this season have left me cursing at the screen in the middle of our unconvincing wins. As I’ve said before, we’re so arrogant that we get upset even though we’ve still got it so good. And the rich get richer as we’ve been the beneficiary of a few game changing missed calls. Most of America should really hate us and I’m pretty sure they do. That brings me to this week’s feature on the college football team I hate the most.
1. The Florida Gators: That’s right the Florida Gators are on the top of my list. As you know, love and hate are so interchangeable that one can become the other in a split second and then switch back just as quickly. Ask your cousin who just burnt down her boyfriend’s trailer and then got pregnant while holding him at knife point after he dealt some bad meth to Andre Agassi. I’m sure they’re really excited for the baby. For the record, I’d have to be on meth to marry Stefi Graf and look at her face without spitting in it day after day. Do I really hate the Gators? Absolutely not but I feel like it this year. I’ve been so pissed off about our imperfection that it has ruined at least 4 of the games I’ve watched this year for me and the people I watched it with. Yes, I’ve made it physically uncomfortable for them to be in the room with me. I’ve been so rattled by the difference from last year that I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Based on this I’ve decided that I’d be a horrible parent. If I get upset over the Gators being undefeated and sloppy, imagine what my son will feel like when he brings back a B on his report card or when I tell him he has to walk home after a pedestrian little league performance. Steve Spurrier ruined me.

This was originally going to be a list of the top 10 teams I hate and the reasons why. It went on way too long as I hate all of the following teams for so many reasons. The teams I hate without any further explanation are: FSU, Miami, Notre Dame, USC, USF, Boise State, Tennessee, LSU and Ohio State.
Some notable teams not on my list include Bama and UGA. I grew up with the Gators dominating both of these teams. UGA took some steps in the right direction 2 years ago with that win but as mentioned in my what-if scenario earlier, that win was solely dependant on Tebow’s immobility. It’s still too soon for me to really legitimize them as a hated rival. Also as a Gator fan, for the record I actually thought their celebration 2 years ago was pretty cool. Had we done it, we’d all look back fondly.

This brings us to the best weekend of the year. This is my Christmas. Hell, this is probably Santa’s Christmas; he’ll probably be in Jax this weekend funneling bourbon and grabbing plenty of coed ass. That’s the nature of a weekend that has a name that is far too sophisticated for what it actually is. The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party’s the name and getting shit faced’s the game.
To start off with what a typical Cocktail Party weekend is like for me, I’ll tell you about my fond memory of last year’s game. Well I don’t actually have memory of last year’s game. I had to watch breakfast with the Gators to actually remember what happened. It’s hard to remember anything when you’re 10 drinks deep by halftime but two things I do remember were that the Gators won and that my sister in law kept telling my brother, “I think your brother’s had enough.” This is what it’s all about. If your speech isn’t severely slurred and you’re not invading other people’s personal space, you’re not doing it right.
It’s hard to beat your first time at the party. The Friday night we drove in, I was with my brother and another couple who were all older than me. They were veterans if you will. When we parked downtown I expected just to go walk around and maybe go see a movie later. I didn’t get the memo about what happens at the Landing. I wasn’t clued in that a sea of drunken southerners awaited me. I was also naïve to the custom of pre-drinking so I was quite confused when I was fed several shots of vodka before we stopped the car. Getting to the Landing was like arriving at Mecca; This was “The Party.” Everyone had a beer in their hand and was partying their ass off. It’s hard to explain if you haven’t been there but it’s special. All of the food court vendors were converted to beer vendors for that night and no one was IDing. I was still scared and asked my brother to buy me a beer. “Nonsense!” he said, “Man up and do it yourself!” This 18 year old courageously walked up to a very lovely Chinese lady, asked for a 32 ounce beer, handed over the 5 bucks, and walked away with the best tasting beer I’ve ever had, all while looking like a 13 year old. I didn’t even have to use my teen wolf eyes or anything.

Give me a keg of beer!

Here’s a math equation that the fine people of the Jacksonville Landing didn’t quite know the answer to that year. A whole lot of beer equals a whole lot of piss. Our multiple choice options for that equation were:
A: wait in line at one of two inside bathrooms for 45 minutes
B: wait in line 20 minutes at one of the outdoor portapotties
C: hold it
D: Go Elsewhere
Elsewhere is a funny word when you’re plastered. Elsewhere could mean in a Checkers to go cup, in your pants, in a trash can, or on the Modus building across the street while being interrupted by the police and having to stop mid-stream, zip up, hurdle over a railing to a ten foot drop and then flee back to the safety of the Landing. Ah the Cocktail Party.

Back to my story. Before we encountered any bathroom issues we made our way to the stage area outside where I noticed that everyone was dancing and singing along to the band. The band was on fire with cover after cover. “Big Al and the Coholics” were without a doubt the best party band I have ever heard. Anyone who changes the lyrics of the Doors’ Roadhouse Blues from “save our city, save our city, right now” to “show your titties, show your titties, right now” is okay by me.
Many beers and questionable bathroom breaks later, we made our way to the motel. I don’t remember much, but I remember we were staying with several of my brother’s older friends. Entering the room I ignored any prior sleeping arrangements and just dropped down on the first bed I saw. One of my brother’s dorm buddies tried to tell me that it was his bed to which I replied with several drunken f-bomb laced slurs and challenged him to a fight. I was left alone and was able enjoy my night of REM free drunken slumber. Elsewhere also happened to be in the bed I slept in that night.
The Cocktail Party is the Vietnam of parties. If you haven’t been, you’ll come back and tell people about all the crazy shit you saw. Believe me man, I’ve seen some things. I’ve done things in Jacksonville that you couldn’t even imagine. I don’t quite wake up in the middle of the night with night terrors but I do get a laugh any time I tell some of the stories.
The whole raucous nature of the Cocktail Party is what made my wife reluctant to attend in the first place. In all seriousness it’s not out of the ordinary for people to die in alcohol related incidents during the Cocktail Party so her points were valid. I finally convinced her to go in 2004 and promised her it wouldn’t be too crazy. I promised her I’d behave. I swore. We weren’t in Jacksonville more than 30 minutes when we saw two Georgia fans snorting cocaine off of a car key in plain view of everyone. Also my wife soon realized that when I said I would behave, I meant get shit faced. She was now the proud babysitter of a belligerent Gator fan who went to the bathroom “elsewhere” several times that evening. I was in for a long weekend and was asking her “Are you sure you’re okay?” every hour on the hour the next day. The game was a disaster as we know, giving UGA their first win against the Gators since 1997. Like many Cocktail Party veterans, I left Jacksonville that year a broken man. Many of us left piece of ourselves out there on the party lines. Some of us saw jail time, others alcohol poisoning and for the rare few, divorce. However we all came back brothers.
The Gators fell that day, but this Saturday will be different. This year I definitely like the Gators to win. Just like last week I feel we could play sloppy again and UGA had an extra week to prepare. However I feel our offense is bound to click this week. I predict that this is the turning point week and Tebow will finally look like himself again in front of his hometown fans.
Game Prediction: Florida 41 Georgia 17

Random Thought of the Week
If you have not see TLC’s show 18 Kids and Counting, don’t start now. However if you’ve seen it, I imagine you hate the Duggar family as much as I do. Who has 18 kids anyway? The show should be called 18 Kids and Mounting. After 18 pregnancies, Michelle Duggar has spent over 15 years of her life carrying a child. Who would put a woman through that? Jim Bob Duggar, the dad of this Bible Belt Brady Bunch, is the most obnoxious asshole I’ve ever seen. Who really wants 18 kids? This guy has more unprotected sex than the rap industry and NBA combined. He slings more meat than Winn Dixie, and they’re the Beef People. He lays more pipe than, well you get the point. I’ve got to give it to him credit though; this man can deliver in the red zone while the Gators cannot.

Must Watch Web

Daniel Tosh is a Gator Growl 01 Alumni and comedic genius. Check out Tosh.0 on Comedy Central Thursday nights at 10. This Florida native is the only TV comic I know who will actually talk about college sports and he even called out Lane Kiffin a few weeks ago. This isn’t that clip but it’s still really funny.
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=238859&title=motorcycle-granny
Fact of the Week
The Gators have lost both of the Florida Georgia games my wife has attended. She is attending her third this weekend. If the Gators lose this weekend, I can assure you all that my wife will never attend another Florida Georgia game for the rest of her life. If the judge is a Gator, I’ll have a strong defense in divorce court.

Weekend Football Forecast
My slap in the face pick goes to Vandy over GT. This is far fetched however I’m willing to take The SEC’s worst team and pick them over the ACC’s best to make a statement. The ACC is so pitiful that I wouldn’t be surprised to see an overconfident GT lay an egg against the Commodores. I’m pulling for you, Vandy.
Last week’s record: 4-6.
FSU over NC State (first pick for the Noles all year), Ole Miss over Auburn, Miss St. Over Kentucky, Tenn over South Carolina, Texas over Oklahoma State, Oregon over USC

Season Record: 40-36

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State
*Changed pick since last week


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when an FSU fan doesn’t have to say, “Hey, remember 6 years ago,” when talking about the last time they beat the Gators. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

The Gators Need a Pep Talk and Apparently so do I

So Homecoming was an overall disappointing experience for us Gators. Growl was just eh, and obviously the Gators were even worse against Arkansas. Still I don’t know if this is truly a wakeup call like Ole Miss was like last year. We’re so spoiled from last year that when we turn in a close win against a quality SEC West opponent that we expect Tebow should have make a similar apology to last year’s. Still we didn’t lose and it almost seems like we are due for a beating. I’m not completely certain that this close call did the trick. Yes our offense finally started clicking in the fourth quarter and Riley Cooper put on some big boy pants down the stretch, but are we really ready to dominate? The Gators need a pep talk. I’ve compiled a list of several humanitarians the Gators could learn at thing or two from. These amazing people have taught, inspired and in some cases even murdered millions of people. The Gators can learn a lot from all of them. This is the “Superstar Gator Pep Talk.”

Bill the Butcher
What isn’t there to learn from Bill the Butcher from Gangs of New York? After her took a beating, he rose up and murdered Liam Neeson’s character. On top of this, he ran shit in the Five Points. If you mess with the butcher, he’ll paint paradise square with your blood. “Two coats!” Urban Meyer should let Dan Mullen know that he’ll festoon his bedroom chamber with his guts if the Bulldogs pull shenanigans Saturday.
Ray Jackson
Did he win the kumite? No. Did he nearly die when he grew overconfident and turned his back on Chon Li? Yep. Did Chon Li steal his Harley Davidson bandana to disrespect him. You bet. How do you think legends are made? They research tragic losses, and they learn from them. I don’t see the Gators letting their guard down against UGA in a few weeks. Urban Meyer will be wearing Mark Richt’s Harley bandana on his leg after that beatdown in Jaxvegas.
Sgt. Kenner from Showdown in Little Tokyo
Revenge! This man watched a tattooed Yakooza leader named Yoshida slaughter his parents in their own bed as a child. Did he just give up? No. He emersed himself in Japanese culture, lifted weights, joined the LAPD and murdered Yoshida in front of a Japanese street parade all while eating sushi of naked ladies and skinny dipping with Tia Carerre in the most famous side-bush scene from the early 90’s .
Scott Howard
Everyone wanted the wolf. You can’t always give the people what they want but you can be true to yourself. Did Scott’s best friend Stiles lose thousands of dollars on irrelevant wolf merchandise because of Scott’s decision? Maybe, but Scott did what was right and played all through the playoffs as the wolf and then had a last minute change of heart before the finals. Somehow the wolf was better with time management than Scott as Scott showed up way late to the most important game of his life. Teen Wolf Too is a travesty by the way. It’s not on the level of The Next Karate Kid but how can you make a Teen Wolf sequel with a replacement actor for Stiles?
Uncle Ben Parker
Sure he said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” But he also was wondering around a bad area of town and paid the price. “Peter. Peter.’ Dead. The lesson learned here is don’t play out of conference road games.
Angelo Pappas
Sure veteran FBI agents belittled him for his theory on the surfing bank robbers. You know what? He stuck to his guns on his sex wax hunch and with the help of Johnny Utah he caught those bastards.
Tim Riggins

I love Tebow but I’d love him a whole lot more if he wore eye black with scripture passages from the book of Tim Riggins. Riggins is a Texas football and party legend. Rexy could balance his party lifestyle and practice schedule so why can’t Timmy? Tebow needs to Netflix all 3 seasons of Friday Night Lights and start acting like Tim Riggins. Riggins never even goes to school, drinks all day, and nicknames other players by their number. What’s going on One Five? If you can’t enjoy of all the benefits of being Tim Tebow, what will you be able enjoy? Circumcising cannibals in the Ocala National Forrest? Florida Forever!
Jeff George
I really just wanted to put a picture of Jeff George on this blog and this was the best excuse I had. This train wreck had a cannon for an arm and a pretty sweet stach.
Ras al Ghul
Someone had to stand up and tell Bruce Wayne what a coward he was.“Like your father, you lack the courage to do all that is necessary.” Last year the Gators had the courage and didn’t show mercy.
Michael Barnes and Terry Silver
Just when you thought the Kobra Kai was dead, these two class acts injected life into the once proud Valley based dojo. Terry Silver was slick, wealthy, and willing to do anything necessary to do right by his Vietnam buddy and former Kobra Kai leader, John Kreese. Kreese wanted Daniel’s knuckles to bleed. So be it. Silver went so far to revitalize the Kobra Kai that he hired a new Johnny out of a top notch martial arts magazine with Karate’s Bad Boy, Mike Barnes. Mike Barnes and the Kobra Kai ultimately lost however there is much to be learned. You gotta love the effort. Mike Barnes would have won but somehow the All Valley tournament had a special rule allowing defending champions with Italian heritage automatic entry into the finals. Total bullshit. Of course Daniel won. Mike Barnes had to fight a whole tournament and Daniel was fresh. He didn’t have to get his ribs taped after the semis this year. At least Barnes walked away with a handsome percentage in Kobra Kai Dojos.
Evander Holyfield
Multiple heavyweight titles. Check. Severe brain damage. Check. Inability to process verbs and nouns into a complete sentence. Check. The nerve to never quit and star in Taco Bell commercials playing his mom. Check.
Lex Luger
A professional wrestler had to be on this list. Would Hulk Hogan serve a better example for the Gators? Absolutely. However I wanted to go a little more obscure but not too obscure. Comeon, what’s not to learn from Lex? He’s the Total Package. Follow this link if you want to know a fun fact about this true patriot.
http://www.wrestling-news.com/LizLuger.html

Barack Obama
Honestly it may be a little early in his career to earn such high praise. Can the Gators learn a lot from him? Maybe in four years but honestly I just wanted to be fair and put more than one black guy on the list.
Rowdy Burns
What a competitor. Cole Trickle might have had youth, and charisma but this SOB taught us that rubbing is racing. It didn’t matter what he was doing, he was going to put you in the wall. Whether on the racetrack, on the beach, or racing wheelchairs with another NASCAR driver who also just suffered severe head trauma, Rowdy was gonna give you a fight.


Great pep talk, mostly obscure movie characters. After the way we’ve been playing, I feel I really needed a pep talk to get motivated to do this blog. I’ve been feeling underappreciated for my work here at Voice of the Gators. I’ve been asking for fan mail and had not received any until early this week. Here is my first ever fan mail.

Awesome posts. I ran across your blog accidentally through Google (search: Riley Cooper+hair) and found Sept 17, 2009. Sorry, but I agree with your wife… yowza! Haha. Anyway, I have yet to read through all of your posts, but felt compelled to email because this has to be one of the most entertaining sites I have ever found. Well-written, hilarious, so-wrong-yet-so-right on so many levels, relevant, and I’m sure I’ll have more praise words after reading through more. I’m a Gator living in Tallahassee, so you can imagine I have to dig around to find real Gator info. Btw, we’re down to one Dillard’s here – wonder why?
Kudos-
Josephine Piscopo
P.S. Don’t post my real name when you do get your fan mail segment going, but feel free to make one up for me. You know how it is. Thanks.

Dear Josephine,
Thanks for the pep talk. Obviously you were referencing the Riley Cooper blog and how my wife really wants to have his babies. If my first son comes out with a flowing brown horse mane and a gold chain, I’m pretty sure I know who the father is. I’m okay with that because he’s on her get out of jail free list along with many other celebrities. Now, Josephine, if I really read into this email, it sounds like you might be creating your own get out of jail free list and I have a sneaking suspicion Voice of the Gators is way up there on that list. I get it. I’m a wordsmith.

Thanks for reading,
The Voice of the Gators,

P.S. Sorry I changed your name to Josephine Piscopo, but you wanted anonymity and association to Joe Piscopo is the price you must pay.

Hey, FSU, you lost to USF earlier this season. Tonight I expect the same out of you at UNC. Even though you are down and almost out, the ACC still gets up to play you. Expect UNC amped up on national TV. Can you win? Sure but every week you find another way to beat yourself and this is one area where I think you have consistency.
Also I love the rumors swirling around your program right now. Bobby to coach at UAB next year? I love that he still feels he’s got it. The only “it” you’ve had lately, Bobby, is shingles and incontinence problems. Also I’ve heard about what happened before the USF game. I think you lost to them a few weeks back, but moving on. Bobby was up in the box with a bunch of his 1993 championship players really close to kickoff. Jimbo, the coaches and players were in the locker room waiting for Bobby. Jimbo decided to start the pep talk and Mickey and Chuck shut him down saying its Bobby’s job. Jimbo waits, and tries again and they shut him down again. Jimbo then says, “Offense, come with me.” Ah, I haven’t seen this much inner turmoil since the downfall of the nWo.

Did you hear that the SEC is suspending the officiating crew from last week’s Florida Arkansas game? I’m glad the media didn’t completely blow this out of proportion and say it really cost the Razorbacks the game. If the media did that, I’d go on a tirade about how the Gators should suspend Tebow, Rainey, and Hernandez for toying with Arkansas with those fluke fumbles. One call never costs your team a game. Five is a different story, cough, 2003 FSU game, cough.

That brings us to our game this weekend. At Mississippi State has been a killer for us. What about Starkville has the Gator’s number? Based on history, I wouldn’t at all be surprised if we lost this game. However, I like us rebounding and being focused after the scare versus Arkansas. Am I worried that Dan Mullen knows our offense? No, because last year’s offense was good and we’re obviously running something different than that this year. Urban and Addazio could know Mullen’s offense just the same so this argument in my opinion is a wash.

Game Expectations
Honestly right now, no matter what I put, it will probably be the opposite. Obviously I think we’ll win, and at least I’ve been right about that 6 times in a row. But for the sake of my current cold streak, I’m going to say we’ll win a sloppy close game. Expect the Gators to be frustrated by the cow bells and racial slurs coming from the stands. It will be ugly but the Gators will take care of business when needed.
Obvious things to watch for this weekend…
Will Mullen know our offense? Will this be like when Gruden played Oakland in the Super Bowl and knew every play the Raiders called? I hope this isn’t the case but if State’s defense seems psychic, you’ll know what’s going on and our coaching staff should be scolded for lack of preparation.
Some not so obvious things to watch for…
Will we stop the run? Miss State has a hoss in Dixon. Hopefully State won’t be putting their large Dixon too far into the Gator’s defensive backfield. I believe Dixon is also African American.
Game Prediction: Florida 27 Miss. St. 7

Random Thought of the Week
I hope Dan Brown writes his next Langdon novel about the Southeastern Conference. He’ll go into Bear Bryant’s tomb, uncover what really happened to Earnest Graham at the bottom of that pile with Darnell Docket, and ultimately he’ll expose Lane Kiffin for the asshole he really is.

Must Watch Web
Danny Wuerffel was awesome at Growl doing his impression of Dana Carvey’s chopping broccoli. The clip still isn’t up but Dana Carvey’s is always awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gO57XRDDodk

Fact of the Week
The Gators have not won in Starkville since 1985. For some reason I’m really not worried about an upset.

Weekend Football Forecast
My slap in the face pick goes to BC over Notre Dame. This is a Catholic slap in the face. I think that’s a Pope slap. Notre Dame, you’re only win against a winning team came against a now 4 and 3 Mich St. team and your obese coach requires a mechanical chair to climb stairs. Sisters of St. Francis of Assisi Slap! How do you have a Heisman contender? Jimmy or Rick or Jamal or whatever Clausen brother you have starting is a hack. Ordinary Time Slap! Tebow would be throwing for huge numbers if he played against the dregs of the Midwest week in and week out. Gentile Slap!

Last week’s record: 6-2.

UNC over FSU, Arkansas over Ole Miss, Bama over Tenn (3rd common opponent between Florida and Bama), Clemson over Miami, Michigan over Penn St., TCU over BYU (why am I picking this game), Auburn over LSU

Season Record: 36-30

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: *GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State
*Changed pick since last week

This stach is so nice

I had to show it twice.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU hires an assistant coach that does not have the words “head coach” somewhere in his official title. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

Go Get Drunk at Growl

Homecoming has arrived and it’s time to get drunk. Unfortunately the regime of Bernie has tamed the Gator Nation to the point that we get excited when we see the latest Gator Nation commercial. The times have quickly changed. I encourage you to get liquored up this weekend and relive good times at Homecoming. Run the Gallop Drunk, shout drunken slurs at the parade, keep it going at Growl and boo OAR because you don’t know any of their songs, rally, keep it going till 3-4 in the morning, wake up at 11 (doesn’t matter where you wake up), keep it going till 3:15 and make your way into the game and desperately try not to get arrested.

Gator Growl seems to be more inflated than usual this year. I love that Dana Carvey is coming but it seems that these college kids running this show just want to blow money. O.A.R. and Jabbawockeez are a huge waste of money. In fact bands in general are a huge waste of money for Gator Growl. Bands work in stadiums when they can connect with the audience either through their amazing anthems (Skynyrd) or when they people are allowed on the field. What about Sugar Ray makes you want to cheer for the Gators? What about Steve Miller Band makes you want to get excited? Skynyrd had anthems and who doesn’t get the chills during the Free Bird solo? This year will be interesting because you either love O.A.R. or your don’t know any of their songs. Unfortunately I think most people won’t know who they are and why they’re at a pep rally. However you can maybe make the most of this year’s Growl. You can get loaded and do your best Jabbawockeez impression as you hold back your vomit.
I complain because I love Growl. I think that it is a truly unique, underrated and underappreciated college experience. As a kid my dad would tell me loads of stories about getting trashed and getting into fights at Growl. Growl used to be filthy dirty and taking your kids was completely out of the question. I guess back in the day parents actually did some parenting.
I have two notable alcohol related Gator Growl stories. The first comes as my time in college was winding down. It was Growl 2004 and Dane Cook just killed at the Swamp. You know who else was killing? Me and my flask. When someone buys you an engraved flask for your birthday, you have an obligation to them, your family, and God to use it like a man. My buddies and I were passing my flask around like a girl at Pike after Growl. We were loaded after that show. After somehow arriving home we opted that it was a good idea to order some Dominos. At least I think we ordered Dominos; Dominos did however show up as my remaining buddies were passed out sitting upright on my garage sale couch.. I paid for the pizza, and only two of us actually managed to eat 1 slice before we were again passed out in the same upright sitting position. Cue morning as we were still asleep sitting up. I wake to the sound of my cat whining. I look around confused. Evidently we ordered pizza. Taking a closer look at the pizza I realized that all of the sauce and cheese was missing from this corpse of a pie. In the middle of the night, my obese and slightly retarded cat had managed to eat all of the sauce and cheese only to leave us the crust. The whining we awoke to was his sheer pain as he unloaded the demon inside him into the litter box. Ah Growl.
The second story was my first Gator Growl when I was in high school. I had just gotten my learner’s permit so I really didn’t know how to drive. My dad and I drove into town as soon as I got out of school and were ready to meet up with my brother and his dorm buddies. Before we met up however, my dad had to get his flask ready. Let me tell you, his flask was 3 times as big as mine from the previous story, and spoiler alert, he doesn’t share his with anyone. After loading the flask and stuffing it into his rolled up Members Only jacket, we were ready to walk to Growl.
The 1998 Growl lineup was unknown at the time but killer now. Larry the Cable Guy was the host, Carlos Mencia was the first comic, Dave Chappelle the 2nd, and Ray Romano the headliner. Everything leading up to Romano was awesome. My dad was somehow behaved despite making an impressive dent in his two liter bottle he called a flask. The skits were really funny and unbelievably abusive toward Peyton Manning who was in his first year in the NFL. Larry the Cable Guy made NASCAR and tampon jokes, Mencia did his Taco Bell dog jokes, and Chapelle was awesome as you’d expect. Everything was going fine and my dad was the fun kind of drunk, only slightly invading my personal space.
Ray Romano is about to come on stage and I notice that my dad is no longer drinking. Whew, what a relief. I felt like the pilot in Almost Famous when they stop their free fall, “I think we’re gonna make it!” I guess he was finally hitting the wall and ready to call it a night. Not a chance, the only reason he stopped drinking was because he finished all of the bourbon in that construction cooler he called a flask. When I saw he was finished I knew immediately that Ray Romano was finished too. He was like a deer in the headlights the moment he stepped on stage and my dad sensed it. My father’s eyes grew wide and they looked filled with a new sense of purpose. Ray Romano was his and he knew it. Everyone in the audience seemed to want to give him a chance but my dad would not let that happen. I don’t remember specifically what the first slip up was but my dad pounced with a showering of boos usually reserved for bad guy wrestlers facing Hulk Hogan. My dad may have even been squeezing his nose with one hand and giving a thumbs down with the other as he assaulted Raymond with jeers. The boos picked up and they started to catch on. Ray Romano was tanking. A gentlemen a few rows ahead of us tried to tell my dad to be quiet, when my dad responded with a “f*** that, this guy sucks. Boo!” It was becoming uncomfortable. The guy tried to tell my dad that he has his kids with him. To that my dad responded with, “Who brings their F***ing kids to Growl?” The guy was fuming inside and it was quite comical. He stopped asking my dad to stop as he realized engaging the beast was only making it worse. Plus I’m pretty sure my dad was looking for a fight at this point. Somehow the cops managed to only circulate in the general area of the scene. Still my dad found it appropriate to shout and call them pigs from a safe distance. Ah Growl.
Now I became my dad’s baby sitter. As we were walking out of the show I quickly realized I was going to have to drive back to the hotel. To think the criticism a standup comic got from my dad, how would he treat a first time learners permit driver? I remember getting him into the car. No way was I going to have him in the front seat with me. This would have been comparable to Wayne from the Wonder Years harassing Kevin while driving. My inner Daniel Stern monologue would have been working overtime. I got myself into the driver’s seat as my dad was taking off his shoes and socks and simultaneously lighting a cigar in the back. I looked at the controls of the car and realized I was in a bit of trouble. I had never driven this car, ever. It was an antique Mercedes and I didn’t have the slightest idea about turning the lights on. Like when Ray Romano walked on stage, I was a deer in the headlights and my dad was still bloodthirsty, puffing his cigar in the backseat. “What’s the matter up there? Don’t you know how to drive?”
“Dad, how do you turn the lights on?”
“How should I know, I’m drunk!”
My dad finally mustered the cognitive ability to tell me how to turn the lights on and we got moving on the ride from hell.
Any minor slipup or question I asked my dad about the car was met with an unbelievable onslaught of demeaning comments about my ability to drive a car. Finally arriving at our sorry excuse for a hotel we made our way back to our room. On our way back and in the elevator my dad felt there was no need to extinguish his cigar. A hotel manager met us in the elevator and tried to tell my dad that he could not smoke in an elevator. My dad replied with, “You can do whatever you want in this piece of sh** hotel.” The manager took that cue to leave the situation alone and we made our way to the room.
Upon arrival I went to the bathroom and had one of those teenage angst moments where I looked at myself in the mirror and questioned who I was. My dad had me thinking there was nothing in that mirror to be proud about after the car ride. I came back into the room and dropped to the bed ready to pass out. Not my dad. He pounced on the phone book and flipped through it so quickly you would have thought he had the Dominos page bookmarked. Like a surgeon he made his Dominos orders and two large pieces somehow quickly arrived to our room. My dad convinced me we had to eat it all as we did not have a refrigerator in the room and that would have been a huge waste. Finally we passed out with a large pizza in both of our bellies. He got to relive his college days and I got my first taste of what UF could be like. I was hooked and I knew from that night on, I was definitely going to be a Gator.
That brings us to this year. If you are not going to Growl, you are not a Gator. Growl is a truly unique college football experience. If you can’t muster up the effort to make it to this year’s show, I question your loyalty to the Gators. This is the most decorated senior class in Gator History. One day they will make a movie about this group of Gators (future segment to come, I promise).
When you go to this year’s Growl, you better cheer for all of the senior players and not just Tebow. Obviously it’s going to be a gusher when Tebow comes on stage. Urban will probably cry and so will you. However they all deserve a great ovation and that’s what we need to give them.
Also this year’s Growl brings a fairly unique experience in that the game is not a typical gimmie. Arkansas is coming off of a huge win and to be honest, it smells a little bit like Ole Miss from last year.

Game Expectations
Arkansas does not have the personnel to push us around and so we will score a lot and they won’t. This game last year was Chris Rainey’s and Jeff Demp’s coming out party and I don’t expect the Razorbacks to be able to contain them yet again.
Obvious things to watch for this weekend…
How will our defense respond to such an explosive aerial attack? Alabama kept them contained and I expect us to do the same but will we be as effective?
Some not so obvious things to watch for…
What will we do with all of the time of possession we will surely get tomorrow? They will throw on most downs and we will stop them on most downs thus giving us the ball more than usual. Will we simply run out the clock like at LSU or will run the score up? The voters and analysts love Alabama more than us right now because we’re underachieving and they beat Va Tech. This will be our second common opponent with Bama so expect Urban to silence the critics, if he can.

Game Prediction: Florida 41 Arkansas 10



Random Thought of the Week
Had Bobby Bowden retired 10 years ago, Robert Duvall would have probably played him in a big budget motion picture. Now I think Brian Dennehy would play Bobby in a straight to ESPN POS about the SOW.

Must Watch Web
Maybe Gator Growl should have brought the Whip Master instead of the Jabbawockeez http://www.clipstr.com/videos/BillMurrayAsTheWhipMasterSNL/


Fact of the Week
USF beat FSU 3 weeks ago.
2 divided by 6 is .3333333. That’s FSU’s winning percentage.

Weekend Football Forecast
Slap in the face pick of the week: UCF over Miami. This will never ever happen but the fact that you have to play at UCF is so embarrassing. For a dynasty, no one really cares about you, Miami. You could end your football program and I don’t think anyone who loves college football tradition would think twice about it.

Last week’s record: 4-4.

Picks: Texas over OU, USC over ND, Va Tech over GT, Bama over SC (potentially close), UGA over Vandy, Iowa over Wisconsin


Season Record: 30-28

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: VT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU can claim they didn’t lose this weekend without having a bye week. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

Steve Spurrier: He’s Sneaky like a Snake and New and Improved Rivalry Trophies

I'm not sure if this back stage at Raw or in SC

but I'm pretty sure both are wearing speedos.

It’s hard to believe that this is the 20th season since Steve Spurrier began coaching for the Gators. Time has slipped by in a good way. Urban Meyer came to the University of Florida with the potential to stir the pot like Spurrier. Urban hasn’t been bullet proof in the media but he hasn’t been the quote machine that Spurrier was. Urban, it would totally be fine for you to speak your mind. You’re a winner. Kiffin doesn’t get a pass because he’s yet to separate himself from Vandy. Yes that’s right; he has not won a game in the SEC and has an identical record to Vandy. So, Urban, talk some trash, it’s okay.
If you don’t miss Spurrier just a little bit, you’re not being honest with yourself. Sometimes it seemed that anything he did would piss people off. My fondest memory of people hating on Spurrier had to do with his final game against Maryland in the Orange Bowl. People were beside themselves because he benched Rex for Brock Berlin. They felt he was trying to keep Brock around so he wouldn’t transfer to Miami. No matter what you felt about Spurrier’s decision, I’m sure you’ll be able to agree with what I’m about to tell you.
On my way down to Miami that year for the game, I was listening to some sports talk radio show. I was with some college buddies and I’m pretty sure we were already drinking. The radio show was discussing Spurrier’s decision to bench Grossman for Brock and they were taking calls from the listeners. Here’s the transcript of one of those calls.

Host: You’re on the air.
Caller: Thanks, Bill. You can’t trust Spurrier. They shouldn’t call him Steve Spurrier. They should call him Steve Snakier.
Awkward Pause
Caller: Because he’s sneaky
More Awkward Pause
Caller: like a snake.
Host: Thanks for your call. Ryan, you’re on the air in Miami…

Never have I seen 3 human beings more disgusted and offended. Everyone in the car just looked at each other for a few brief moments in hateful disbelief. Did that really just happen? It probably looked similar to the scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent accidentally blows that guy’s head off in the car, but there wasn’t any blood on the back windshield because the blood was boiling in our stomachs. The thoughts racing through my head at that moment cannot be shared in this blog. We weren’t mad that he was talking bad about Spurrier; everyone did back then. Steve Snakier? I mean really? That was this guy’s comment that he had to call in and share with the country? Sneaky like a snake? Who wouldn’t be disgusted? The kicker is, the guy was really proud of himself like he just got a 10 out of 10 on a third grade spelling test. He changed out “Spur” with “Snake” and felt the need to tell the country. I hope the eternity you spend in hell was worth it.
Meanwhile we’re in the car talking about why this guy doesn’t deserve to be alive. I remember desperately listening to the show waiting for them to give out their call-in number so I could call in and give my rebuttal. I had to be heard. The number never came, and now I will never be whole until I can look that coward in the eye and make him apologize and then beg for mercy.
Since then my friends and I have discussed this story several times at length. What would we do if we met this guy? What would I say to him? Even people who weren’t there that have heard me tell this story can’t believe someone would actually say that on the radio. If I did catch this guy, I’d set up a meeting with him and Spurrier. I’d make him get on his knees and kiss Spurrier’s 96 championship ring. Then I may release a black mamba out of a briefcase or just make him watch video of every single Ron Zook press conference and make him take a shot of bourbon every time the Zooker excitedly stutters.
This story is probably out there in other circles because if anyone heard this guy that fateful day on the radio, they most certainly hate him. End of story. This guy also probably told all of his friends about his side of things. He probably talked about how the host laughed and then other people called in and remarked about how witty it was and then his friends told him, “Hey man, that’s pretty cool.” Well I got news for you Steve Snakier Guy. It’s not cool. I have no doubt our paths will cross and when they do, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do. If you know who this “person” is, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com with his name, the names of his immediate family members, and his personal phone number so I can speak with him directly. If you are this person, I’d like a formal apology in writing.

This weekend I saw the Michigan versus Michigan State game highlights on Sportscenter and saw that the winning team was awarded the Paul Bunyan Trophy. Then I started to think about all of that Big 10 tradition. It seems like every game has its own trophy. The Paul Bunyan Trophy, The Paul Bunyan Axe, Paul Bunyan’s Wife’s Tampon (I think that’s a big 10 ladies basketball trophy), The Oaken Bucket, The Little Brown Jug, and the list goes on. Outside of the Big 10 they have similar trophies that don’t seem to have the same importance. For example Florida and Miami play for The Seminole War Canoe Trophy. I know; I really don’t care either. Why not really spice up some of the rivalries around the country with some socially relevant trophies? Here’s my list of some trophies that rivals should compete for each year.

UF vs. FSU: The Battle over Terry Shiavo’s Living Will (went there)
Florida vs. Georgia: The Battle for the Golden Stomach Pump
UF vs. Miami: The Battle over Brock Berlin’s Bronze Douche Bag
Miami vs. FSU: The Battle for early season legitimacy only to always be derailed by reality
UF vs. Tennessee: The Battle for the Peyton Manning Cup. Even when UT occasionally
does beat us, they’ll be pleasantly reminded that Peyton Manning never did.
UF vs. South Carolina: The Battle for Ric Flair’s Tanning Bed
UCF vs. USF: The Battle for 3rd place in the state of Florida. That’s right, FSU. Remember 2 weeks ago when you lost to USF? Ah memories.

Yes this makes me want to throw up too. FSU sucks

but that doesn't mean USF is now legit.

Alabama vs. Auburn: The Battle over Nathan Bedford Forrest’s Cross
FAMU vs. BCC: The Battle over Uncle Tom’s Cabin
Ole Miss vs. Miss St.: The Battle for…well you got the picture with the Bama Auburn joke.
South Carolina vs. Notre Dame: The Battle for Lou Holtz’s Remains
Vandy vs. Kentucky: The Battle for the SEC’s Village Bicycle
USC vs. UCLA: The Battle over Reggie Bush’s Mom’s House
USC vs. Buffalo: The Battle for O.J.’s Bronze Buck Knife
Notre Dame vs. Michigan: The Battle over Charlie Weis’s Golden Gastric Bypass Ring
Oregon vs. Oregon State: The Battle for the Ford the River Trophy (Oregon Trail reference).
For the record I played the Oregon Trail online in order to get this screen shot. I never remember being able to go on a suicide mission playing this game in elementary school. I actually tried to win. This game tries to keep you alive. Why didn’t the Indians just mind their own business? No, they had to help me find food. I wanted Joey Harrington dead!

FSU, remember when you lost to Miami? Yes, I predicted that you were 1 game into a losing season. GT is not very good and you are probably going to lose to them at home. At least you’re signing Jimbo to a five year deal. That was such a coup. You totally hired an amazing coach from LSU. Let’s look at his numbers coaching against some quality opponents at LSU in 2006. Your offense was amazing considering you were coaching a future overall number 1 quarterback in Jamarcus Russell and future first round wide receiver Dwayne Bowe. Oh wait your offense could only score against inept defenses. The two losses your team had that season came because your offense couldn’t produce. You lost 7-3 to Auburn and 23-10 to Florida. That doesn’t sound like a big coupe for FSU. LSU’s defense was winning games especially with Nick Saban. Your job was to not mess it up. End of Story. Now that you have a bit of freedom, guess what you’ve been doing. Messing it up. FSU, I’m not excited for you to be good again but it’s not that hard to figure out what you need to do? Fire Jimbo and pay him off. You got yourself into that mess with the coach in waiting situation, now make the smart move and end it. Unload a boat load of money at Cincinnati’s Brian Kelly’s house or Chris Peterson from Boise State. Either option is better than a proven producer of mediocrity named Jimbo. You will fire Jimbo within his first three years, I promise you that. This situation isn’t like when Spurrier left Florida. Bowden’s shadow is not looming so large anymore. You could get the next Urban Meyer but we know that’s not going to happen because you’ve put all your eggs in one basket. Just because a guy was involved with a national championship (that I don’t recognize) doesn’t mean he’s a good hire. Defense won that championship at LSU and terrible offense is why the 2009 Noles will have a losing record.
All this talk about LSU and terrible offense has me really excited about this weekend’s match up. Never have I seen so much hype for one game. CBS hasn’t been this thankful for one person’s head injury since they aired Regarding Henry in primetime back in the mid nineties.

Game Expectations
I really expect Florida to turn it up in Baton Rouge. I obviously expect a win and the defense should be the reason. I think our offense will be good enough for at least 28 but I honestly think 17 would do the trick with no problems.
Obvious things to watch for this weekend…
Will he or won’t he? It won’t matter if the Teebs plays or not. Like I said I expect our defense to victimize the inept Tiger offense. In all reality this game shouldn’t be a story because the Tigers should have lost to Miss State and UGA. However I’m thankful for the extra motivation their ranking will give our players. If Tebow doesn’t play, expect a really awesome pep talk from him on the sidelines which will probably be turned into another plaque to be posted outside Florida Field. Our team will play for Tebow if he’s in the game or on the sideline. They might be even more motivated for him so they don’t blow the perfect season if he can’t go.
Some not so obvious things to watch for…
If Tebow does play, will they get JB some real playing time? I don’t think this would be a bad idea especially if our defense is rolling.
Will our running backs be able to produce like they have against mediocre talent? If they start early, this game will be over early. If Tebow doesn’t go, I’d definitely try to run some wildcat with Moody. He could easily rattle off Tebow-type runs in that formation and then some. With our defense, we can shut the door on LSU by halftime and really get Brantley some quality minutes assuming we don’t turn the ball over too frequently.
Also if Tebow plays will he run the ball the same way he did against Kentucky? He was like a tap dancer out there slipping through defenders and juking Wildcats without any problems.

Game Prediction: Florida 38 LSU 10

Random Thought of the Week
Somehow I don’t think that a Holly Rowe keyhole video would have drummed up as much media attention as the Erin Andrews video. For the record, you know you’d watch.

Tim Tebow is a great guy, but for the

record I think this is a sympathy interview.

Must Watch Web

This is more like, must play web. This is the site with the Oregon Trail Emulator. I played as Les Miles and then as Tim Tebow. Guess what Les. You’re screwed this Saturday. I tried my best to kill off Tim Tebow. He’s like the Terminator of the great frontier. He could get to the end of the Oregon Trail pulling his wagon from a wheelchair. What do you think he’s going to do this Saturday? You’ll be drowning by halftime.
http://www.virtualapple.org/oregontraildisk.html

Fact of the Week
LSU has the 82nd best offense in the country.
The Gators are giving up 7.25 points a game on defense.
Tiger Stadium at night doesn’t turn chicken shit into chicken salad.

Weekend Football Forecast
BC over Va Tech. That’s right Va Tech, you’re up this week. I think you get way too much credit. You beat Miami, hooray. You also got thumped by the only real team you played this year.
Now everyone thinks Miami is so good because they snuck by the Sooners? OU lost to BYU! This is the same team that FSU had a non-consenting conjugal visit with.
Va Tech, you snuck by Duke last week and I think you’re a little bit full of yourself with that top 10 ranking.

Last week’s record: 1-9. I’m embarrassed over last week’s record. It was pitiful. I think I was getting a little bit too cute with my picks after predicting some really good early season upsets. See Tim Tebow’s speech and you’ll get the gist of my sorrow. However I did have one pick correct, and that was BC over FSU so at the end of the day I came out a winner.

Picks: Nebraska over Missouri, Auburn over Arkansas, UGA over Tenn, Bama over Ole Miss, GT over FSU (reluctantly but why not), Miss St. over Houston


Season Record: 26-24

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: VT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU fires Jimbo Fisher. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators

FSU Forced out of the Closet, Why a College Football Coach may Murder your Family, and Bye Week Blues

Hey, Florida State fans, I’m going to get right down to the point. You are garbage. I’ll talk about your football team in just a minute, but right now I want to talk about you. Why did it have to come to this? For the past 9 seasons, you kept trying to fool the country and yourselves. I can’t get over the flamboyance. Was it so hard to face reality? Don’t tell me that bogus ACC title in 2005 really had you believing that you were still an elite program. Mark Furman could have convinced every African American in LA County to vote for John McCain before you could have convinced a knowledgeable college football fan that you have a good football team.
Was it so hard to realize that a 7 and 6 season is not the exception but the rule? It only took us 1 year of Zook to face reality, so why has it taken you 9? Here’s another reality check for you. You weren’t really all that great in the 90s but merely a product of your conference schedule. Also it’s not that hard to realize that your credibility left with Mark Richt. Were you afraid to tell people? Were you waiting for the right time? It’s a difficult decision to make. I bet your male baton twirler from a few years back faced a similar challenge when confronted with the reality of no longer being able to keep a big secret from his friends and family. However he was a male baton twirler. Everyone knew, just like most people have known that your program is in shambles. So why didn’t you tell?
You were scared, weren’t you? The Gators outed you five years in a row but somehow you kept telling people otherwise. Saturday when you lost to USF, you picked up your baton and I expect you to twirl it like hell for the next ten years. Be proud of who you really are.
But why, FSU? Why did you have to let USF out you? Why couldn’t you have let Jackson State take away that burden? Did it have to be USF? Now we get to listen to their fans talk about how they’re a legitimate program for the next five years. This is obviously not the case because you have to beat a legitimate program to be a legitimate program.
There’s no turning back now, FSU. You’re out. Exposed. You could win the rest of the games this season but it won’t matter. You lost to USF and there’s no turning back from that.
Now on to matters dealing with legitimate football programs. Many people thought my blog from Sunday was offensive. I posted the link in a message board with the title, “Thank God Tim Tebow doesn’t Wear Christopher Reeve’s Pajamas.” That was the original title of the blog, which has since been changed. On that same message board I heard comments ranging from me being the most despicable person in the world to it being the lowest thing anyone has ever posted on that board. I then realized that I was certainly offending some people so I changed the title of my blog. I certainly don’t want to offend people but it’s obviously going to happen. Still I do have an issue here. My issue is with people who actually get offended. What I said wasn’t exactly doing the crippled any favors; I agree with that but it was just words. It’s not like I went out on a rampage pushing paraplegics out of their wheelchairs or went number 2 on Christopher Reeve’s grave. I put a joke on the internet. If you don’t like it, don’t read it, but realize that being offended is pointless and reflects ignorance. If you were offended last week, take a good look in the mirror. Have you never said anything controversial? I’m actually offended now that I’m thinking about it. If you’re so offended, why aren’t you out there helping the handicapped instead of reading Gator message boards? You make me sick.
And so do the polls. It is seriously worse than usual this year. I was watching the Tony Barnhart Show (really good btw) on CBS’s college sports network and he was also very peeved with the current state of things. I originally wrote out my top 10 reasons why the polls are garbage but I decided I didn’t want to preach so much. You get it; most Americans are borderline retarded or on drugs and this includes the coaches and media members voting for college football’s best teams. I’ll give you the Mike Price version (This means abbreviated, like Mike Price’s coaching career at Alabama; google the story to read about a true class act).

Someone knows the exit number for Micanopy.

The SEC gets too much credit in the top 25. LSU and Ole Miss are clearly not elite teams so why were they ever treated as such?
Quit ranking the garbage teams so high. Yes this is Boise State, and BYU and so on and so forth. And while you’re still loving these POS programs, why won’t you give Cincinnati any love?
Why do you rank teams behind teams they have handedly beaten? Penn State is ahead of Iowa and Cal is ahead of Oregon; what the F is wrong with the world? Quit ranking USC because of their name. They’re not good this year; in 2006 the voters jumped USC ahead of the Gators for no apparent reason when they beat Cal by 14 points and UF rolled over Western Carolina. This put them in position to cruise their way into the national title game had they not lost in the final week of the year.

So the TV show Dexter is back; thank God. If you don’t know about the character of Dexter, he’s basically a good-doing serial killer with quick wits. This show really will make you reanalyze your beliefs on what is right and what is wrong. As I was watching this week’s episode I started wondering who else could be a serial killer. They could blend in anywhere, and even among college football’s elite. Could there be serial killers in college football?
Straight out the gate I could tell you who definitely would not fit the bill. Due to the deafening the volume of their heavy breathing, Mark Mangino and Charlie Weiss couldn’t do it. They couldn’t sneak up on a guy cutting the grass. Plus the high level of physical activity required to walk into and out of buildings in order to kill people would be out of the question for these two. Now I’ve probably offended these two coaches. I’m sorry guys. I’ll buy each of you a case of Moonpies and that should turn your frowns upside down. For the record, both of those frowns are parked right on top of 5 to 6 chins. Just saying.
Frank Beamer couldn’t do it based suspicion. Sorry man, but that skin graft/butt face/whatever it is would be a dead giveaway. Who’s the killer? I don’t know, but let’s question Butt Face.
Bobby Bowden would be one we wouldn’t suspect but he’d definitely get caught and serial murder isn’t an offense you can pin on your players.
You’d probably guess that there is no way I’d ever even mention Tim Tebow on this list. There’s no way he’d ever end up on this list. He’s a religious fanatic; that’s never been the reason for any sort of murder in the past…
There’s no way Lou Holtz would ever be in this category either but he would have a great motive. Motivation would be his motive. His speeches are legendary and he expects excellence. What if his players don’t deliver? “Boys, tomorrow, we’re going to beat Penn State. Do you know why? Because if we don’t, I’m going to murder each and every one of you.”
Lee Corso would probably be too old but how awesome would it be to see him sneak up one someone with a knife and say, “Not so fast, my friend.”
I think we all know who would be the perfect killing machine. Urban Meyer. He's like a great white shark with a headset. A guy who can get the spread option to work in the SEC is definitely calculated and borderline diabolical. He’s the type of guy who likes to savor things and prolong agony. He called a timeout at the end of the Georgia game last year to make it last just a little while longer.
So that brings us to this week’s game. Oh wait there is no game. Usually this is the worst week out of my year but somehow this week is perfect. This is the one week we actually needed a bye. Teebs is injured and needs a rest and so it was granted by the college football gods. This could go down in history with other lucky breaks that resulted in national titles. There was that infamous kick Nebraska had against Missouri in 1997 and then there was that lucky break where Bobby Bowden reinstated Peter Warrick after he received all of that stolen merchandise from Dillards in 1999. Sometimes a team just needs to catch a few lucky breaks. If we do end up going undefeated and win our 4th national title, this bye week will be one of many signs of why this was a team of destiny.


Random Thoughts of the Week
Saturday I’m going to tell my wife that the Gator game is at 3:30. I’m going to put in a tape from 2 years ago and see if she figures it out. If she doesn’t, I’m going to file for divorce.

Thursday night football is bush league. If your team plays on Thursday nights, you are not elite. You’re doing what you can to get noticed; I get it and so do the brave men who try to break into the adult film industry. These guys don’t just get to show up for their first day of work and share the screen with a beautiful lady. They have to pay their dues and slay their way through the bottom. The bottom being dudes. Thursday night football: football for dudes!

Must Watch Web
Tim Tebow’s not the only one who got a concussion this weekend. I’m such an NBC homer.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/98807/the-tonight-show-with-conan-obrien-conan-hits-his-head#http%3A%2F%2Fwww.hulu.com%2Ffeed%2Fshow%2F2133%2Fclips

Fact of the Week
My wife doesn’t know that it’s a bye week.

Weekend Football Forecast
Slap in the face pick of the week: Indiana over Ohio State. OSU, I don’t like you on the road at Indiana. I also don’t like your face. You’re suspect and if your QB is legitimately good, then Chris Leak was the best quarterback to ever play football. Before, you could at least rip through your conference but ever since the Gators exposed you in the 06 title game, it’s all been down hill. 1 loss in 06, 2 in 07, 3 in 08 and I’m guessing 4 this year.

Last week’s record: 6-4 including the Gator Game

Picks: UGA over LSU, BC over FSU, Miss St. over GT (must win for State), Tenn over Auburn, Cal over USC, Oklahoma over Miami, Washington over ND, Vandy over Ole Miss, and Syracuse over USF in your standard hiccup game. A grown man made these picks.

Season Record: 25-15

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: VT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State


If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
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You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when another FSU player tries to stomp on a Gator quarterback’s hand during a blowout loss. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators