The Gators Need a Pep Talk and Apparently so do I

So Homecoming was an overall disappointing experience for us Gators. Growl was just eh, and obviously the Gators were even worse against Arkansas. Still I don’t know if this is truly a wakeup call like Ole Miss was like last year. We’re so spoiled from last year that when we turn in a close win against a quality SEC West opponent that we expect Tebow should have make a similar apology to last year’s. Still we didn’t lose and it almost seems like we are due for a beating. I’m not completely certain that this close call did the trick. Yes our offense finally started clicking in the fourth quarter and Riley Cooper put on some big boy pants down the stretch, but are we really ready to dominate? The Gators need a pep talk. I’ve compiled a list of several humanitarians the Gators could learn at thing or two from. These amazing people have taught, inspired and in some cases even murdered millions of people. The Gators can learn a lot from all of them. This is the “Superstar Gator Pep Talk.”

Bill the Butcher
What isn’t there to learn from Bill the Butcher from Gangs of New York? After her took a beating, he rose up and murdered Liam Neeson’s character. On top of this, he ran shit in the Five Points. If you mess with the butcher, he’ll paint paradise square with your blood. “Two coats!” Urban Meyer should let Dan Mullen know that he’ll festoon his bedroom chamber with his guts if the Bulldogs pull shenanigans Saturday.
Ray Jackson
Did he win the kumite? No. Did he nearly die when he grew overconfident and turned his back on Chon Li? Yep. Did Chon Li steal his Harley Davidson bandana to disrespect him. You bet. How do you think legends are made? They research tragic losses, and they learn from them. I don’t see the Gators letting their guard down against UGA in a few weeks. Urban Meyer will be wearing Mark Richt’s Harley bandana on his leg after that beatdown in Jaxvegas.
Sgt. Kenner from Showdown in Little Tokyo
Revenge! This man watched a tattooed Yakooza leader named Yoshida slaughter his parents in their own bed as a child. Did he just give up? No. He emersed himself in Japanese culture, lifted weights, joined the LAPD and murdered Yoshida in front of a Japanese street parade all while eating sushi of naked ladies and skinny dipping with Tia Carerre in the most famous side-bush scene from the early 90’s .
Scott Howard
Everyone wanted the wolf. You can’t always give the people what they want but you can be true to yourself. Did Scott’s best friend Stiles lose thousands of dollars on irrelevant wolf merchandise because of Scott’s decision? Maybe, but Scott did what was right and played all through the playoffs as the wolf and then had a last minute change of heart before the finals. Somehow the wolf was better with time management than Scott as Scott showed up way late to the most important game of his life. Teen Wolf Too is a travesty by the way. It’s not on the level of The Next Karate Kid but how can you make a Teen Wolf sequel with a replacement actor for Stiles?
Uncle Ben Parker
Sure he said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” But he also was wondering around a bad area of town and paid the price. “Peter. Peter.’ Dead. The lesson learned here is don’t play out of conference road games.
Angelo Pappas
Sure veteran FBI agents belittled him for his theory on the surfing bank robbers. You know what? He stuck to his guns on his sex wax hunch and with the help of Johnny Utah he caught those bastards.
Tim Riggins

I love Tebow but I’d love him a whole lot more if he wore eye black with scripture passages from the book of Tim Riggins. Riggins is a Texas football and party legend. Rexy could balance his party lifestyle and practice schedule so why can’t Timmy? Tebow needs to Netflix all 3 seasons of Friday Night Lights and start acting like Tim Riggins. Riggins never even goes to school, drinks all day, and nicknames other players by their number. What’s going on One Five? If you can’t enjoy of all the benefits of being Tim Tebow, what will you be able enjoy? Circumcising cannibals in the Ocala National Forrest? Florida Forever!
Jeff George
I really just wanted to put a picture of Jeff George on this blog and this was the best excuse I had. This train wreck had a cannon for an arm and a pretty sweet stach.
Ras al Ghul
Someone had to stand up and tell Bruce Wayne what a coward he was.“Like your father, you lack the courage to do all that is necessary.” Last year the Gators had the courage and didn’t show mercy.
Michael Barnes and Terry Silver
Just when you thought the Kobra Kai was dead, these two class acts injected life into the once proud Valley based dojo. Terry Silver was slick, wealthy, and willing to do anything necessary to do right by his Vietnam buddy and former Kobra Kai leader, John Kreese. Kreese wanted Daniel’s knuckles to bleed. So be it. Silver went so far to revitalize the Kobra Kai that he hired a new Johnny out of a top notch martial arts magazine with Karate’s Bad Boy, Mike Barnes. Mike Barnes and the Kobra Kai ultimately lost however there is much to be learned. You gotta love the effort. Mike Barnes would have won but somehow the All Valley tournament had a special rule allowing defending champions with Italian heritage automatic entry into the finals. Total bullshit. Of course Daniel won. Mike Barnes had to fight a whole tournament and Daniel was fresh. He didn’t have to get his ribs taped after the semis this year. At least Barnes walked away with a handsome percentage in Kobra Kai Dojos.
Evander Holyfield
Multiple heavyweight titles. Check. Severe brain damage. Check. Inability to process verbs and nouns into a complete sentence. Check. The nerve to never quit and star in Taco Bell commercials playing his mom. Check.
Lex Luger
A professional wrestler had to be on this list. Would Hulk Hogan serve a better example for the Gators? Absolutely. However I wanted to go a little more obscure but not too obscure. Comeon, what’s not to learn from Lex? He’s the Total Package. Follow this link if you want to know a fun fact about this true patriot.
http://www.wrestling-news.com/LizLuger.html

Barack Obama
Honestly it may be a little early in his career to earn such high praise. Can the Gators learn a lot from him? Maybe in four years but honestly I just wanted to be fair and put more than one black guy on the list.
Rowdy Burns
What a competitor. Cole Trickle might have had youth, and charisma but this SOB taught us that rubbing is racing. It didn’t matter what he was doing, he was going to put you in the wall. Whether on the racetrack, on the beach, or racing wheelchairs with another NASCAR driver who also just suffered severe head trauma, Rowdy was gonna give you a fight.


Great pep talk, mostly obscure movie characters. After the way we’ve been playing, I feel I really needed a pep talk to get motivated to do this blog. I’ve been feeling underappreciated for my work here at Voice of the Gators. I’ve been asking for fan mail and had not received any until early this week. Here is my first ever fan mail.

Awesome posts. I ran across your blog accidentally through Google (search: Riley Cooper+hair) and found Sept 17, 2009. Sorry, but I agree with your wife… yowza! Haha. Anyway, I have yet to read through all of your posts, but felt compelled to email because this has to be one of the most entertaining sites I have ever found. Well-written, hilarious, so-wrong-yet-so-right on so many levels, relevant, and I’m sure I’ll have more praise words after reading through more. I’m a Gator living in Tallahassee, so you can imagine I have to dig around to find real Gator info. Btw, we’re down to one Dillard’s here – wonder why?
Kudos-
Josephine Piscopo
P.S. Don’t post my real name when you do get your fan mail segment going, but feel free to make one up for me. You know how it is. Thanks.

Dear Josephine,
Thanks for the pep talk. Obviously you were referencing the Riley Cooper blog and how my wife really wants to have his babies. If my first son comes out with a flowing brown horse mane and a gold chain, I’m pretty sure I know who the father is. I’m okay with that because he’s on her get out of jail free list along with many other celebrities. Now, Josephine, if I really read into this email, it sounds like you might be creating your own get out of jail free list and I have a sneaking suspicion Voice of the Gators is way up there on that list. I get it. I’m a wordsmith.

Thanks for reading,
The Voice of the Gators,

P.S. Sorry I changed your name to Josephine Piscopo, but you wanted anonymity and association to Joe Piscopo is the price you must pay.

Hey, FSU, you lost to USF earlier this season. Tonight I expect the same out of you at UNC. Even though you are down and almost out, the ACC still gets up to play you. Expect UNC amped up on national TV. Can you win? Sure but every week you find another way to beat yourself and this is one area where I think you have consistency.
Also I love the rumors swirling around your program right now. Bobby to coach at UAB next year? I love that he still feels he’s got it. The only “it” you’ve had lately, Bobby, is shingles and incontinence problems. Also I’ve heard about what happened before the USF game. I think you lost to them a few weeks back, but moving on. Bobby was up in the box with a bunch of his 1993 championship players really close to kickoff. Jimbo, the coaches and players were in the locker room waiting for Bobby. Jimbo decided to start the pep talk and Mickey and Chuck shut him down saying its Bobby’s job. Jimbo waits, and tries again and they shut him down again. Jimbo then says, “Offense, come with me.” Ah, I haven’t seen this much inner turmoil since the downfall of the nWo.

Did you hear that the SEC is suspending the officiating crew from last week’s Florida Arkansas game? I’m glad the media didn’t completely blow this out of proportion and say it really cost the Razorbacks the game. If the media did that, I’d go on a tirade about how the Gators should suspend Tebow, Rainey, and Hernandez for toying with Arkansas with those fluke fumbles. One call never costs your team a game. Five is a different story, cough, 2003 FSU game, cough.

That brings us to our game this weekend. At Mississippi State has been a killer for us. What about Starkville has the Gator’s number? Based on history, I wouldn’t at all be surprised if we lost this game. However, I like us rebounding and being focused after the scare versus Arkansas. Am I worried that Dan Mullen knows our offense? No, because last year’s offense was good and we’re obviously running something different than that this year. Urban and Addazio could know Mullen’s offense just the same so this argument in my opinion is a wash.

Game Expectations
Honestly right now, no matter what I put, it will probably be the opposite. Obviously I think we’ll win, and at least I’ve been right about that 6 times in a row. But for the sake of my current cold streak, I’m going to say we’ll win a sloppy close game. Expect the Gators to be frustrated by the cow bells and racial slurs coming from the stands. It will be ugly but the Gators will take care of business when needed.
Obvious things to watch for this weekend…
Will Mullen know our offense? Will this be like when Gruden played Oakland in the Super Bowl and knew every play the Raiders called? I hope this isn’t the case but if State’s defense seems psychic, you’ll know what’s going on and our coaching staff should be scolded for lack of preparation.
Some not so obvious things to watch for…
Will we stop the run? Miss State has a hoss in Dixon. Hopefully State won’t be putting their large Dixon too far into the Gator’s defensive backfield. I believe Dixon is also African American.
Game Prediction: Florida 27 Miss. St. 7

Random Thought of the Week
I hope Dan Brown writes his next Langdon novel about the Southeastern Conference. He’ll go into Bear Bryant’s tomb, uncover what really happened to Earnest Graham at the bottom of that pile with Darnell Docket, and ultimately he’ll expose Lane Kiffin for the asshole he really is.

Must Watch Web
Danny Wuerffel was awesome at Growl doing his impression of Dana Carvey’s chopping broccoli. The clip still isn’t up but Dana Carvey’s is always awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gO57XRDDodk

Fact of the Week
The Gators have not won in Starkville since 1985. For some reason I’m really not worried about an upset.

Weekend Football Forecast
My slap in the face pick goes to BC over Notre Dame. This is a Catholic slap in the face. I think that’s a Pope slap. Notre Dame, you’re only win against a winning team came against a now 4 and 3 Mich St. team and your obese coach requires a mechanical chair to climb stairs. Sisters of St. Francis of Assisi Slap! How do you have a Heisman contender? Jimmy or Rick or Jamal or whatever Clausen brother you have starting is a hack. Ordinary Time Slap! Tebow would be throwing for huge numbers if he played against the dregs of the Midwest week in and week out. Gentile Slap!

Last week’s record: 6-2.

UNC over FSU, Arkansas over Ole Miss, Bama over Tenn (3rd common opponent between Florida and Bama), Clemson over Miami, Michigan over Penn St., TCU over BYU (why am I picking this game), Auburn over LSU

Season Record: 36-30

Current Championship Predictions:
BCS/SEC: Florida
ACC: *GT
Big East: Cincinnati
Big 10: Ohio State
Big 12: Texas
Pac 10: USC
BCS Buster: Notre Dame and Boise State
*Changed pick since last week

This stach is so nice

I had to show it twice.

If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, please email me at VoiceoftheGators@gmail.com. I want to get a fan mail segment going so please drop a line.
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Voiceofthegator
You’ll get an update every time a new blog is up or when FSU hires an assistant coach that does not have the words “head coach” somewhere in his official title. Until next time, go Gators!

The Voice of the Gators